A Seminar In Basic Counseling Skills: Ministering as an agent of shalom

When we listen, we reflect the listening Father. I love the LORD because he hears and answers my prayers. Because he bends down and listens, I will pray as long as I have breath!. Psalm 116:1-2

Listening: The most important skill Good listening means be aware of all 3 of these aspects: The Actual Words: phrases and metaphors used to convey feelings. Tone: not words themselves but timing, accent, volume, pitch, etc. Non-verbal: ‘body language’ or facial expression, use of gestures, body position and movement, proximity in relation to the counselor

Building Blocks of a Message 38% Tone of voice 7% content 55% non-verbal Body Language or letter Phone Conversation Face to Face

The Counseling Conversation is a Dialogue: Counselor Traits Empathy: Understand their experience, enter in to it, and not confuse it with your own. Respect: A deep valuing of the other person without judgment. Trustworthiness: Sincerity, not playing a role, integrity. Containment: ability to hold the person in their painful emotions without becoming overwhelmed or fearful. Clear biblical framework: Looking at life from a scriptural perspective and see how this affects choices.

Counseling Tools for listening Listening Attending Behavior (your body language) Closed and Open-Ended Questions Paraphrase Summarizing Reflection

Listening to the content Listen to the actual words the other uses. The story told is the story that is important. Am I sure I know what this person means by a certain word or expression? (asked of oneself). Can clarify, “What do you mean by ‘upset’? Listen deeper for unusual or inappropriate feelings, the story behind the story. (congruence) Listening with the aim of truly understanding someone builds trust and relationship.

A Word About “Why” Questions…

Attending Behavior  Orienting oneself physically and psychologically. Good eye contact, facing the person  Encourages the other person to talk  Lets the client know you’re listening  Conveys empathy

Four Types of Questions:  Open ended  Closed ended  Reflective  Challenging

Open ended questions Yeshua: What do you want me to do for you? Purposes of Open-Ended Questions: To begin an interview (What made you pick up the phone to call ?) To encourage client elaboration To elicit specific examples (Tell me more about that”) To motivate clients to communicate

Open-ended questions Questions that clients cannot easily answer with “Yes,”, “No,” or one- or two-word responses  Tell me about your family while you were growing up?  Why is that important to you?  How did you feel when that happened?  What did you do when she said that?  What are your reasons for saying that?  Can you tell me a little more about that?

Closed Ended Questions Questions that the other can easily answer with a “Yes,” “No,” or one- or two-word responses “Are you going to have the test done?” “Did you drink before you got into the car?” “Do you drink often?” “Do you exercise?” “Do you like your job?”

Purposes of Closed-Ended Questions: To obtain specific information To identify parameters of a problem or issue To narrow the topic of discussion To interrupt an over-talkative client

Closed Vs. open-ended questions Examples Closed: Are you scared? Open: How do you feel? Closed: Are you concerned about what you will do if the test results are positive? Open: What do you think you might do if the test results are positive? Closed: Is your relationship with your husband a good one? Open: Tell me about your relationship with your husband.

Reflection Mirror back what the counselee is saying. Counselee: We moved to Bangalore from the gulf at the beginning of last year but none of us really settled down. My wife never did like living in such a large city. I found it difficult to get a job…. Counselor: You found it difficult to get a job… Counselee: Well, it was difficult to start with, any way. I suppose I didn’t really try hard enough …

5.0 Initiating Steps 4.5 Personalizing and Defining Goal (“You feel __ b/c you cannot __ and you want ___.) 4.0 Personalizing Problem (“You feel __ b/c you cannot ____.”) 3.5 Personalizing Meaning (“You feel __ b/c you __________.”) 3.0 Responding to Meaning (“You feel __ b/c _____________.”) 2.5 Responding to Feeling (“You feel ___________________.”) 2.0 Responding to Content (“You’re saying _______________.”)

Challenging Though challenging and confronting questions are appropriate and even necessary. Counselee: There is no one in this organization that I can talk to at all Counselor: No one? Counselee: I have always been a failure, never been any good at anything. Counselor: Always?

Paraphrasing The counselor rephrases the content of the client’s message Example Client: “I know it doesn’t help my depression to sit around or stay in bed all day.” Counselor: “It sounds like you know you should avoid staying in bed or sitting around all day to help your depression.”

Purposes of Paraphrasing  To convey that you are understanding him/her  Help the client by simplifying, focusing and crystallizing what they said  May encourage the client to elaborate  Provide a check on the accuracy of your perceptions

How not to listen: Reasons for roadblocks Give hasty interpretations or analysis: “Sounds like your not praying enough”. Order or command: “Go and tell her your sorry right away” Try to persuade, argue with logic or lecture: “You must go on a diet to lose weight”. Preach/use scripture inappropriately: : “You shouldn’t be sad. God works it all for good”. (misplaced timing) Shame: “You did what”!

Transference Client projects on the counselor feelings and perceptions that pertain to another (especially authority figures). Set clear boundaries in time and privacy Help clients separate reality from fantasy Can bring healing if there is different outcome with counselor

Counter-transference Counselor’s emotional responses to what client shares. When counselor projects unresolved issues on to the client It may be necessary to refer to someone else if counter transference is very strong Monitor your own reactions towards the client Self-disclosure: Only when it will benefit client

The place of Understanding Emotions tell us: 1.The meaning of the problem to the person 2.The conflicts they are experiencing 3.The ways they use to solve problems

Summary Be aware of content and delivery Be aware of your own emotions Encourage further sharing Reflect on what you have heard Avoiding preaching, giving advice Listen for themes Use summaries, paraphrasing and relevant questions

Active listening?