Chapter 10: Helping Couples and Families 1

Harmful Attitudes Faultfinding attitude Winning—my way is the only way Unquenchable need for security An unforgiving spirit Positive Attitudes Accept personal responsibility for relationship Learn acceptance Remember your friendship Yield to win Turmoil not allowed to transcend relationship Hold high standards. 2

Gottman’s years of research Conclusion: Knowing what stable, happy couples did _____ was more important than knowing what unstable couples did _____ Knowing how stable couples deal with conflict will help in developing strategies for troubled couples. 3 Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

Helping couples develop an in-between style—to maintain 5 to 1 ratio Mismatched styles - one or both partners must make adjustments in the way problems are addressed. Even stable couples have perpetual problems. 4

____ of problems- perpetual Analyzed how stable, happy couples managed their issues Goal: To “make the marital magic of the marriage ______ clear so that therapists can teach it to other couples”. 5

The Seven Principles of Happy Marriages Gottman - “The Sound Marital House” House has ___ floors Foundation is important Floors needs to be well-constructed House is continually under attack from ____________. 6

How long does it take the marriage house to crumble? Over ____ of divorces occur in first seven years “The Sound Marital House” provides 1) a description of _____ marriages (the seven floors) and 2) a prescription - what couples need to do to ________ health or rebuild that structure (seven principles). 7

The 1st Three Floors Based on essential ingredient of stable marriages - a solid _________. Research: Stable marriages - partners like each other, like to be together, and regard each other highly. This creates a prevailing ________. 8

1st floor – made up of a continuing _______ in your partner’s life. Exhibit this interest every day 1 st Principle: Find out about the details of your partner’s life Likes/dislikes; hopes/dreams; worries/ anxieties Spend time together, talk to each other, Keep details in memory bank; continue to add to memory bank. Doing this updates ____ map 9

2 nd floor: made up of ___________________________ Glue that holds relationships together The horseman ________ is especially harmful to this glue F. & A. keep the ___________ from eating away the foundation. 10

A clue to whether this glue still exists is how the partners remember _______________ 2 nd Principle: Take time to nurture the fondness and admiration system. Do this often! How? The Magic 5 Hours a Week – see handout 11

How to Nurture the F. and A. System Show interest Be affectionate Be appreciative Show concern Be empathetic Show you care Be accepting Joke around Share joy Use repair attempts during conflict Show understanding 12

3 rd Floor: Stable couples turn ______ each other in _______ ways each day Adds to Emotional ____ Account Little moments when partner’s turn _______________ are important. Have end of day conversations, p rd Principle: Redouble your effort to turn toward each other in support If first three floors are sound, the 5 to 1 ratio is intact. 13

4 th Floor: Partners experience _______________ overide Allows some _________ to be processed in marriage without inferring evil intent With F. & A., and positive sentiment override, partners more likely to ______________. Wives – ____ startup Husbands who accept ________ and ______ their wives point of view - much more likely to have happier marriages. 14

This allows ______ attempts to be successful Caution: Some marital therapies that just teach couples conflict resolution fail. Why? Finding: A reciprocal relationship exists between a husband’s ________________ and a wife’s use of soft _______ during conflict. 4 th Principle: Allow yourself to be influenced by your partner. 15

5 th Floor: Solve your _______ problems Solvable – more _______, situational, no underlying ____________ fueling the dispute 5 th Principle: Learn marriage masters skills to solve solvable problems What are these skills? 16

Skills the Marriage Masters Use  Start conflict discussions _____  Know about repair _______, make them, and respond positively to them  ______ yourself and your partner  __________ - the only resolution to marital problems  Be ______ of your partner’s faults. 17

Comment: Marital paradox - Partners change only when they realize that ________________________________ The partner must know that s/he is accepted the way they are Remember: marital disagreements are about different _____ of view, neither of which are ________ reality. 18

6 th Floor: Make Dreams Come True by Overcoming ________. Perpetual problems: deeper ______ - differences relating to personality, ______ of origin (chap. 5, p. 127), or _______________ Couples must not _____ up. They must continue to ____ about their perpetual issues Many couples are not able to do this without putting their marriage in jeopardy. 19

Marriage masters - satisfying relationship in spite of _________ Perpetual conflicts exist because partners have important dreams which are not understood by their partner Uncover these dreams—dreams ______ the conflict Listen to and understand the dream. 20

Yet, understanding is not enough Must see both partners’ dreams as ________ Must work together so that both partner’s dreams can be realized as much as possible To achieve this, partners must be understanding and willing to accept influence They must accept each other for what they are and communicate this acceptance. 21

Couples motto: “Your dream is my dream and if it is important to you, then it is important to me” Must learn to _____ for the sake of the marriage. Yielding to win. 6 th Principle: Learn to live with unsolvable problems. How? 22  Detect underlying dreams, where these dreams come from, and why they are important.

 Discuss dreams in _____________ way  Respect partner’s dream - differences relating to dreams may no longer be perceived as______, but rather as important _____  Couples learn to: a) define area on which they cannot _____, b) define where they can be ______, and c) find temporary __________ that respects each partner’s desires Remember: This approach is based on what happy couples (the marriage masters) did. 23

7 th Floor: Value Shared Meanings by Creating “Family Culture”, Rituals, Customs, Common Goals, Etc. This top floor strengthen the marital ________ Talk to each other about beliefs, values, traditions, dreams, and things of importance All dreams may not be in sync, but partners know about and respect differences. 24

When couples learn to carry out shared goals, they become a ____. There is a ________ which strengthens their ties together 7 th Principle: Create customs, rituals, common goals etc. that are shared, important, and enjoyed by everyone (shared meanings) so that family members feel they are working together as a team to achieve common objectives and goals. 25

26 6th Floor: Structure - Making Dreams Come True Principle: Learn to live with unsolvable problems 5th Floor: Structure - Solve Solvable Problems Principle: Learn the 5 steps (helping strategies) 4th Floor: Structure - Positive Sentiment Override Principle: Allow yourself to be influenced by your partner 3rd Floor: Structure - Healthy Emotional Bank Account Principle: Learn to turn toward each other 2nd Floor: Structure - The Fondness and Admiration System Principle: Nurture your fondness and admiration 1st Floor: Structure - Continuing Interest in Your Spouse Principle: Expand cognitive maps/love map for your spouse 7th Floor: Structure – Value Shared Meanings Principle: Create shared meanings THE SOUND MARITAL HOUSE

Developing a Conscious Marriage: Harville Hendrix and Imago Therapy Initial agreements: Stop blaming and criticizing, come to 12 sessions, practice new ways of behaving Creating a positive vision of marriage The couple’s dialogue—mirroring, ___________________. Parent-child dialogue—seeing the ________ child. 27

The Behavior Change _______ - tell your partner what s/he can do to help you heal: should be positive, specific & measurable If partner can do these things it will lead to his/her growth Re-romanticizing the marriage—ask what they have appreciated in spouse. 28

Solving a puzzle: how can our marriage help us heal when our partner exhibits negative char.of our early caretakers who wounded us? Pay attention to criticisms. Why? One spouse given chance to stretch into new beh. on request list that are growth producing & helpful to spouse. The difficulty of change and getting through the power struggle. 29

Helping Families … Understand how patterns of behavior are passed down from generation to generation Understand they are too enmeshed in the affairs of each other Understand that rules are too inflexible Communicate directly with each other rather than through a third person: don’t triangle in. Establish healthy boundaries to the outside world and negotiate healthy boundaries within the family 30

Helping Families… Work as a team to achieve common goals Restructure rules so that unhealthy rules are eliminated Resolve difficult problem issues so that each member’s needs are taken into consideration Own the family problem 31

Healthy Families… Develop flexible, healthy, and age-appropriate rules Respect each member’s needs Support the mental and emotional growth of family members Treats individual members with dignity and respect Communicate in direct, clear, and honest ways Listens to each other and attempts to understand (empathic understanding) Shares responsibility in a fair way 32

Healthy Families… Forgive and learn from mistakes Know the importance of play and humor Have a moral belief system Foster and enjoy time together Value rituals and traditions Encourage service to others Admit problems and know when to seek help Behave in emotionally intelligent ways 33