The Secret Knowledge of Grown-ups David Wisniewski Confidential ToP Secret Classified Technical Clearance

Top secret Grown-up rule #31: Eat your vegetables. official reason: They’re good for you. The truth: You don’t eat your vegetables because they are good for you. You eat vegetables to...

to keep them under control! Millions of years ago, vegetables ruled the earth. What were they looking for? People! Yes, these were meat-eating vegetables. To prevent vegetables from ever regaining power, grown-ups eat them.

Besides, which would you rather do: eat vegetable or be eaten by vegetables?

Top secret Grown-up rule #42: Comb your hair. official reason: It keeps it neat. The truth: You don’t comb your hair to keep it neat. You comb your hair...

to stop it from going back into those little holes in your head!! Hair doesn’t grow out. Hair grows in! Why else would we pull it around with a comb? After all, you only pull things when they want to go the other way.

Because most girls comb their hair a lot, they don’t have to worry much about Reverse Hair Growth (RHG). Boys do, not only because they don’t comb much, but also because many a flattop or crew cut can grow back into a guy’s head in one night!

Top secret Grown-up rule #62: Don’t jump on your bed. official reason: You’ll break it or you might get hurt. The truth: Yes, it’s possible to break your bed if you jump on it. And it’s possible you might get hurt if you fall off. But you’ll definitely get hurt...

If you wake up the mattress! Mattresses aren’t just big lifeless rectangles crammed with stuffing. They are active wooly creatures raised on farms in Scotland. After growing into adulthood, mattresses start a long period of hibernation. They are rounded up and sold in stores where they end up in your bedroom.

There they snooze peacefully year after year. Unless you jump on them.

The Secret Knowledge of Grown-ups was written by David Wisniewski. You can learn more about him by visiting his website at ToP Secret Technical Clearance