Beaten into submission: The cycle of abuse

The scenario Imagine a young, beautiful and attractive women. She feels reasonably good about herself, she can make and achieve goals she sets, has a good support network, takes care of herself mentally, physically, and spiritually, and has a lot to offer the world. Imagine her like any other woman wanting to be in a healthy, productive relationship with a companion she can share her thoughts, feelings, and dreams with. Someone who will support and encourage her to pursue whatever she wants in life and even helps her to map out how she can get there and how he can help. Now imagine she meets such a man and falls madly in love with him. Just as in any other relationship things start out great. They have fun taking walks, talking, caring, and sharing with each other in a way she has never experienced before. Things seem perfect for her, for them. They seem so perfect that small things that bother her about him she explains away or ignores and convinces herself that they never happened or it was just her imagination, including the first time at and hit her. As they become more involved in their relationship she notices he begins to display a temper. It began when he would come home upset about his day at work. Despite her attempts to be consoling, he would destroy the house or punch a wall. Her fear was paralyzing, rendering her unable to move. His angry outbursts eventually grew to the point where she became the wall and thus begins the cycle. The young woman who was confident, assertive, and could make good decisions now finds herself in a situation where she does not know what to do. Several times during the course of the relationship she decides to leave, but only to go back after he apologizes, convincing her to return. She realizes how serious the situation is but continues to think back on the times when they loved, cared, shared, talked, and walked. She will do anything to get those times back. She convinces herself that she has to make more of an effort not to make him angry, to be more supportive, and cater more to his needs. She takes on the responsibility to try and change him and her mind begins to reason if only I could love him enough, make him feel safe, not say thing I shouldn’t, and keep my opinion to myself then we could go back to the good times. She does not realize that during the course of all this that she has lost herself. She has isolated herself from her support network as she has worked very hard to hide what has been going on. She simply does not want anyone to know. She feels ashamed, guilty, sad, and lonely. She becomes convinced that she is flawed and deserves the punishment she gets from him. Imagine her deterioration as a woman and as a human being as she is beaten into submission.

Forms of abuse:  Physical- hitting, slapping, kicking, punching or using force that causes pain  Emotional/mental- the use of insults, harassment at work, home or school  Sexual- abuse or maltreatment that occurs in physically abusive situations

Results of abuse: Abuse is destructive and results in physical injuries but emotional ones as well.

Reasons for abuse: Violence in society Seeing abuse as a child Inability to cope with life-poor parenting and communicating skills Stereotypes- outdated

Signs of abuse: Bruises in various stages of healing. Isolation- not being able to talk to the person when you call, the person never returning your phone calls, or not coming around as often. Making up excuses for why she does not come around.

Cycle of abuse: Tension building BatteringRemorse

Why women stay: No one definitive answer Lowered self-esteem Feelings of financial dependence Feelings of guilt- related to cultural or spiritual values Fear of more violence- being threatened with death

How to help: Get medical attention Encourage and support Respect the delicateness of the situation-realize your presence is an intrusion and could result in more abuse for the victim Make a safety plan with the victim- keep important documents, items handy- phone numbers, money, clothes Contact the police as needed Contact local resources for help-counseling, support groups