Healing for Emotional Wounds 心靈創傷的醫治 Melvin W. Wong, Ph.D. 黃偉康博士 Licensed Clinical Psychologist ChristianMentalHealth. com 220 Montgomery St., Suite 1098, San Francisco, Francisco, CA Mowry Avenue, Fremont, Fremont, CA Tel (510) Fax (510)

人生不如意的事常八九 家家有本難念的經

人生不如意的事常八九 家家有本難念的經吃得苦中苦方為人上人

人生不如意的事常八九 家家有本難念的經吃得苦中苦方為人上人人生得意應盡歡

人生不如意的事常八九 家家有本難念的經吃得苦中苦方為人上人人生得意應盡歡莫等孤杯空對月

人生不如意的事常八九 家家有本難念的經吃得苦中苦方為人上人人生得意應盡歡莫等孤杯空對月苦中作樂

Family of Origin & Identity Development 原生家庭与身份發展 Family of Origin & Identity Development 原生家庭与身份發展 Melvin W. Wong, Ph.D. 黃偉康博士 Licensed Clinical Psychologist ChristianMentalHealth. com 220 Montgomery St., Suite 1098, San Francisco, CA Mowry Avenue, Fremont, CA Tel (510) Fax (510)

Family of Origin & Personality Development (I) 原生家庭与個性發展 (I) Family of Origin & Personality Development (I) 原生家庭与個性發展 (I) Melvin W. Wong, Ph.D. 黃偉康博士 Licensed Clinical Psychologist ChristianMentalHealth. com 220 Montgomery St., Suite 1098, San Francisco, CA Mowry Avenue, Fremont, CA Tel (510) Fax (510)

知 己 知 彼 溫 故 而 知 新 可 以 為 師 矣

Identity & Personality Development Body GrowsBody Grows Personality DevelopsPersonality Develops Adult-ChildAdult-Child –Adult Body –Child-Like Character Identity DevelopmentIdentity Development Family Relationships Determine Personality MaturationFamily Relationships Determine Personality Maturation

Identity Formation Each of us builds a picture of ourselves from the way others respond to usEach of us builds a picture of ourselves from the way others respond to us A child does not know right from wrongA child does not know right from wrong A child believes what is shown-taughtA child believes what is shown-taught

Looking glass self A child draws an impression of self from what others do and say about himA child draws an impression of self from what others do and say about him The care giver has a lot of responsibility in shaping child’s selfThe care giver has a lot of responsibility in shaping child’s self Child is vulnerableChild is vulnerable This is Identity- Formation/ImprintingThis is Identity- Formation/Imprinting

These opinions are often based on false ideas of what is really relevant LooksLooks TalentsTalents AbilityAbility IntelligenceIntelligence (Self-image depends on variable measurement standards)(Self-image depends on variable measurement standards)

What & Why of Self-Image “It’s what do I believe others think that I am!” Developmental: How do we form self-Image?Developmental: How do we form self-Image? –“Looking-Glass” Self, How do I look? (Image) –How Important am I? (Status) –How am I doing? (Performance) –Am I accepted? (Belongingness) –Am I Okay & worthy? (Worthiness) –Can I do it well? (Competence) Self-Image > Self-Worth > Self-confidence > Self-Esteem > Self-Acceptance > CompetenceSelf-Image > Self-Worth > Self-confidence > Self-Esteem > Self-Acceptance > Competence

If someone doesn’t measure up to the standards of others, this person is made to feel unacceptable or stupid BlameBlame ShameShame –Nicknames –Disclose secrets –Cross limits Controlling- ManipulateControlling- Manipulate –Feeling-behavior Until you feel stupidUntil you feel stupid –You believe the lie

Origin of Shame TheThe lack of a personal identify: Who am I? ExternalExternal vs. Internal shame mechanisms –Parents –Parents against their children: Name calling –Children’s –Children’s cruelty against their peers: Name calling –Personal –Personal handicaps: “Imperfections” –Compares –Compares & Contrasts: Athletes, models & stars –Physical –Physical features: Aging, race, skin color –Need –Need for acceptance & “measuring-up”

Shame External-PassiveExternal-Passive failure, more a defect of the whole self –Based –Based in the early, primitive failure to resolve oral and anal conflicts (Psychodynamic Theory) –Is –Is intrinsically destructive –Helplessness, –Helplessness, powerlessness: No way for relief –Sense –Sense of “uncovering” “naked” “exposed” –A –A violation of personal space: The Self –Broken –Broken boundaries: Broken self: Rejects Self –Desire-Crave –Desire-Crave to have another Self: Addiction

Shame & Blame ProjectionProjection is a defense against shame: anxiety –Blame –Blame is externalizing of an internal conflict –The –The person does not take ownership for shame “It“It is easier that shame is on you and not on me” “I“I will be a no body when I am not perfect” am not worthy, to be rejected when I am wrong’ ThisThis is a homeostatic approach to balance anxiety –There –There is little introspection: No learning-maturity –Self-Defeating, –Self-Defeating, tragic outcomes: Hiding Secrets

Shamelessness to Shame-proneness WhenWhen Adam and Eve were created, they were pronounced good good along with others in the creation BeforeBefore eating of the forbidden fruit they were without shame, yet naked AfterAfter the serpent deceived them, they were aware of shame: Shame of nakedness? They started to Blame Blame others and reject personal responsibilities CoveredCovered themselves: Rejected Self, Used Performance ButBut real self has image of God! Grace vs Work DoDo not be deceived to become the altered self Sin:Sin: Broken Relational Boundary with God

Recovery from Shame & False Self AcceptAccept our True self with the Image of God ConfessConfess our Sin Nature and Powerlessness ReconcileReconcile to God through Jesus’ Sacrifice –Salvation –Salvation is by Grace through Faith –Not –Not through Works “lest any man may boast” –For –For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith -- and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God -- 9 not by works, so that no one can boast. 10 For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. do. Ephesians 2:8-10 (NIV)

Family of Origin & Marital Relationships 原生家庭与夫婦關系 Family of Origin & Marital Relationships 原生家庭与夫婦關系 Melvin W. Wong, Ph.D. 黃偉康博士 Licensed Clinical Psychologist ChristianMentalHealth. com 220 Montgomery St., Suite 1098, San Francisco, CA Mowry Avenue, Fremont, CA Tel (510) Fax (510)

Not a Typical Family

Family of Origin & Marriage ParallelParallel Process: Emotional Transference –Past –Past infringes on Present (Unresolved conflicts) –Unconscious –Unconscious and/or Subconscious Process “Generally“Generally not considered to be controllable” “The“The Present Recapitulates the Past” –Using –Using Present Experience to correct Past Wrongs SusceptibilitySusceptibility stronger: Emotional Turmoil DevelopDevelop Awareness and Insight: Insight: Consciousness ResolveResolve Unfinished Businesses with family

Family Tree Diagram Father Son-1 Son-1 Mother Daughter Son-2

Casts of the Dysfunctional Family Addict Enabler Adult-child: Man with problems; Gambling, affairs, rage & irresponsibility Mother who helps hide husband’s serious problems Survival for me

Casts of the Dysfunctional Family Addict Enabler Mother who is trying to be the UN Peace- Keeper: Hoping things will not go out of her control Keep the peace: Survival for me

Casts of the Dysfunctional Family Addict Enabler Be Perfect: Problems will go away Hero I want to be hero too! I am worthy Win-Lose Rivalry Detach

Casts of the Dysfunctional Family Addict Enabler Rebel: Believing I am the problem Scapegoat

Casts of the Dysfunctional Family Addict Enabler Withdraws from Relationships: Numb Lost Child

Casts of the Dysfunctional Family Addict Enabler Makes laughter admist family tragedy Clown

Dysfunctional Family & Marital Relationships First-BornFirst-Born vs. First-Born: Control Issues –“My –“My way or the Highway” –“Hero”: –“Hero”: Perfectionism-Order-Clean & Rivalry TreatingTreating spouse like a child: Parental –“I –“I don’t have to listen to you!” –“Who –“Who do you think you are?” (Authoritarianism) –“You –“You do what I say!” (Condescending) ConflictConflict areas: Ineffective Communication –Intimacy –Intimacy achieved by fights

Dysfunctional Family & Marital Relationships First-BornFirst-Born vs. Last-Born (Hero-Baby) –Wife –Wife (first-born) vs. Husband (last-born) –Balanced –Balanced relationship (Not equal healthy) TreatingTreating spouse like a child: Parental –“You –“You have to listen to me!” (Authoritarianism) –Husband –Husband suffocates: “Mid-Life Affairs” ConflictConflict areas: Ineffective Communication –Emotional-Physical-Sexual –Emotional-Physical-Sexual Intimacy Reduced

First-Born Daughters Not welcomed as childNot welcomed as child –Chinese chauvinism –Sexism: Boy over girl Organized-HelpfulOrganized-Helpful –Pseudo-Hero –Real-Scapegoat Mother’s best friendMother’s best friend –Mom’s Keeper Lacks childhoodLacks childhood Men-Hating MistrustMen-Hating Mistrust

How Family-of-Origin Issues affect Marital Relationships Transfer of emotions “transference”Transfer of emotions “transference” –Where the past emotions are transferred –“Free-floating anger, resentment, bitterness” Fear of “Merging” (Intimacy & Closeness)Fear of “Merging” (Intimacy & Closeness) “ The present recapitulates the past ”“ The present recapitulates the past ” –Engaging spouse in fights to resolve past conflicts –“Trying to prove a point” (men are strong women are not) Unrealistic expectations on spouseUnrealistic expectations on spouse Needing to prove a “point” (in order to redeem self)Needing to prove a “point” (in order to redeem self)

What Went Wrong? The nature of sinThe nature of sin – Intergenerational effect of sin (Exodus 20:5-6) – A propensity toward sin and poor judgment – What can go wrong does go wrong Depravity of humankindDepravity of humankind Giving rise to pain and sufferingGiving rise to pain and suffering Substance-Emotional dependency: Lessens painSubstance-Emotional dependency: Lessens pain

Healthy Intimacy Boundary Defined Parental: Intra-SpousalParental: Intra-Spousal – Husband and wife are mature: Self-Contained – Husband and wife issues remain within them Parent-Child: IntergenerationalParent-Child: Intergenerational – Intimate Parental issues are not disclosed Financial issues Financial issues Sexual issues Sexual issues Familial Secrets Familial Secrets

Child Satisfies Parents’ Needs MotherMother – Child becomes mother’s best friend He keeps me company, not alone! He keeps me company, not alone! He keeps me from being scared at night He keeps me from being scared at night Mom tells me all of her secrets! I am special! I must be loyal to her! She is mine! I am hers! Mom tells me all of her secrets! I am special! I must be loyal to her! She is mine! I am hers! FatherFather – Child becomes father's crutch Significance derived from son’s incompetence Significance derived from son’s incompetence

Child Satisfies Parents’ Needs MotherMother – Has emotional baggages from own family – Was an Adult-Child (child in an adult body) – Expects spouse or child to meet her needs Father (Failed to meet wife’s emotional needs)Father (Failed to meet wife’s emotional needs) – Naive to wife’s immense emotional needs Backs away from her emotional neediness Backs away from her emotional neediness Drives her further into a demanding state Drives her further into a demanding state Sets off vicious cycle: Cat and mouse game Sets off vicious cycle: Cat and mouse game

When Intimacy is Disrupted Parents are absent physically or emotionallyParents are absent physically or emotionally Young child was not emotionally affirmedYoung child was not emotionally affirmed Child’s Personal-Sexual identity immatureChild’s Personal-Sexual identity immature Child searches for identity substitutionChild searches for identity substitution Child attempts to provide Self-ParentingChild attempts to provide Self-Parenting – Hurried-Child Syndrome: No childhood – Adequate Self Physical Care: Not Emotional

Re-Establishing Health Family Intimacy May not be possible at allMay not be possible at all Begins with recognizing presence of dysfunctionBegins with recognizing presence of dysfunction – Denial is the first survival defense: No shame-blame – Takes courage to confront the truth in family – Courage to confront pain & personal responsibilities Making amends: Forgive and be forgivenMaking amends: Forgive and be forgiven – Process of courage: Forgive-Reconcile-Restoration Re-establishing normal communicationRe-establishing normal communication Can set clear limits and boundaries with familyCan set clear limits and boundaries with family

Re-Establishing Health Family Intimacy Begin with verbal communication firstBegin with verbal communication first – Talk freely with self-disclosure – Can offer and receive verbal compliments Continues with physical closenessContinues with physical closeness – Socially-appropriate physical touches Continues with more verbal intimacyContinues with more verbal intimacy – More open self-disclosure: Safe secrets Getting a raise-promotion, lay-off, some finances Getting a raise-promotion, lay-off, some finances Relationships: good and bad Relationships: good and bad

Re-Establishing Health Family Intimacy Finding a “Home” away from homeFinding a “Home” away from home – New family substitute – Spiritual-Emotional-Physical closeness achievable On-going relationship with peopleOn-going relationship with people – No crossing of boundaries and limits – Can take personal responsibilities Free to say No? without guild Free to say No? without guild Can confide in 2 or 3 significant peopleCan confide in 2 or 3 significant people – Finding acceptance and affirmation

Pain Relief Process Acknowledge powerlessness: Nothing I can do Understand forgiveness: Can forgive not forget Forgiveness is one way: To benefit you –True forgiveness requires confronting your pain –True forgiveness requires admitting your wrong –True forgiveness requires empathy for wrong doer Reconciliation: Two ways: Requires other Restoration: Last step in normalizing relationship When you are stuck: Victimhood-martyrdom –Self righteousness, avoid pain, control by holding grudge: Bitterness, Resentment, Sarcasm, Gossiping

家家有本難念的經 Parent-Child Dating Courtship Marriage In-Laws Relationship Financial Health Pain-Suffering Hopelessness

家家有本難念的經 Success worries Work-Job-Career Can’t please wife Can’t please children Can’t please parents Can’t please in-laws Feeling like no-win –V–V–V–Vending Machine –F–F–F–Failure

家家有本難念的經 Extra-Marital Affairs Restraining Orders Separation Divorce (Lawyer) Child-Custody (Court) Visitation Rights Re-Marriage Starts Over Again

因果報應姻緣注定吃苦人生四大皆空看破紅塵 因果報應 姻緣注定 吃苦人生 四大皆空 看破紅塵 認命認命認命認命

出埃及記 Exodus 20:5-6 聖經新譯本 New International Version 不可跪拜那些像，也不 可事奉它們，因為我 耶和華你們的上帝是 忌邪的上帝；恨惡我 的，我必追討他們的 罪，從父親到兒子， 直到三四代。愛我遵 守我誡命的，我必向 他們施慈愛，直到千 代。 You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing love to a thousand generations of those who love me and keep my commandments.

出埃及記 Exodus 34:7 聖經新譯本 New International Version 為千千萬萬人留 下慈愛，赦免罪 孽、過犯和罪惡 。一定要清除罪 ，追討罪孽自父 及子至孫，直到 三四代。」 maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin. Yet he does not leave the guilty unpunished; he punishes the children and their children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation."

克己服禮為仁人之初性本善 吃得苦中 方為人上 克己服禮為仁 人之初性本善 吃得苦中 方為人上 忍 道

你們所有勞苦擔 重擔的人哪，到 我這裏來吧！我 必使你們得安息 。 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 馬太福音 11:28 ( 聖經新譯本 ) 你們所有勞苦擔 重擔的人哪，到 我這裏來吧！我 必使你們得安息 。 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 馬太福音 11:28 ( 聖經新譯本 ) 自由 釋放

What is true identity You see yourself as valuable to God and to othersYou see yourself as valuable to God and to others True self-esteem, identity comes from knowing I am God’s creationTrue self-esteem, identity comes from knowing I am God’s creation

詩篇 139:13-14 Psalm ( 聖經新譯本 - NIV) 我的臟腑是你所 造的，在我母腹 中你塑造了我。 我要稱謝你，因 為我的受造奇妙 可畏；你的作為 奇妙，這是我深 深知道的。 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

哥林多前書 1 Corinthians 13:11 聖經新譯本 New International Version 我作孩子的時候 ，說話像孩子 ，心思像孩子 ，想法像孩子 ，既然長大了 ，就把孩子的 事都丟棄了。 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.

你們所有勞苦擔 重擔的人哪，到 我這裏來吧！我 必使你們得安息 。 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 馬太福音 11:28 ( 聖經新譯本 ) 你們所有勞苦擔 重擔的人哪，到 我這裏來吧！我 必使你們得安息 。 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 馬太福音 11:28 ( 聖經新譯本 ) 自由 釋放

哥林多後書 5:17 ( 聖經新譯本 ) 2 Corinthians 5:17 (NIV) 如果有人在基 督裏，他就是 新造的人，舊 事已經過去， 你看，都變成 新的了！ Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!

約翰福音 14:6 ( 聖經新譯本 NIV) 耶穌對他說：「 我就是道路、 真理、生命， 如果不是藉著 我，沒有人能 到父那裏去。

哥林多後書 5:17 ( 聖經新譯本 ) 2 Corinthians 5:17 (NIV) 如果有人在基 督裏，他就是 新造的人，舊 事已經過去， 你看，都變成 新的了！ Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!

你們所有勞苦擔 重擔的人哪，到 我這裏來吧！我 必使你們得安息 。 如果有人在基督裏 ，他就是新造的人 ，舊事已經過去， 你看，都變成新的 了！ 你們所有勞苦擔 重擔的人哪，到 我這裏來吧！我 必使你們得安息 。 如果有人在基督裏 ，他就是新造的人 ，舊事已經過去， 你看，都變成新的 了！ 自由 釋放

到我這裏來 吧！ 我必使你們 得安息 。 ( 馬太福音 11:28)