Race & Adoption a comfortable conversation Race & Adoption a comfortable conversation Judy Stigger, LCSW

“I think my mother and father never saw us as different from themselves or others in our community. I think they thought if they loved us enough, other people wouldn’t see the difference either.” White Privilege Once They Hear My Name Lee, Lammert, Hess A.J. (Amy Jo) Thomassen social worker in St. Louis, MO

Alex Haley “In all of us there is a hunger, marrow deep, to know our heritage, to know who we are and where we have come from. Without this enriching knowledge, there is a hollow yearning; no matter what our attainments in life, there is the most disquieting loneliness.” Alex Haley, “Roots”

 What we know about race & identity  Ages & stages  Challenges & advice  Birth family  Who’s in my tribe  Multiracial families  Evening news  Resources Agenda

 Black/African American  White/Caucasian  Hispanic/Latino  Asian  Other  Adopted What We Know About Race

 White / European  Asian  Hispanic / Latino  Other?  Black / African American  Adopted

 Informational/Educational  Privacy Guarding  Humorous Goal: to EQUIP and PROTECT Responses

 Kid useable responses  Aiming the spotlight If a child is asking: Is your answer kid-friendly? Other Considerations

 Overt Prejudice  Random  Vicarious  Absent/Irrelevant  Curiosity of others  Care How We Learnx

Lasts a Lifetime

 Greatest sources of discrimination for whites were around adoption (not race)  Extended Family (40%)  Childhood Friends (28%)  Childhood friend’s parents (24%)  Greatest sources of discrimination for kids of color were around race/ethnicity  Stranger (80%)  Classmates (75%)  Childhood Friends (48%) Sources of Discrimination

Importance of Adoptive Identity at Different Life Stages

Importance of Racial/Ethnic Identity at Different Life Stages

Community Characteristics (Diversity) Level of community diversity experienced by TR adoptees as children, and where they chose to live as adults

Extremely or Very Comfortable Somewhat Comfortable Somewhat Uncomfortable Extremely or Very Uncomfortable Comfort with Identity

3 – 6 years old  Issues: How things work Belonging Same & Different  Facts: What does my mom look like? Why didn’t she keep me?  Feelings: Curiosity: Want to know about self Pain: Want to be just like mommy or daddy

Just like Mommy / Daddy

School Projects / Triggers Draw yourself Draw your family Bring a baby picture Stories about new siblings

One of these is not like the other

How Diverse is Child’s School?  Student body  Teachers  Holidays & Celebrations  Images on walls & in books  Presentation of subject matter

Carmen: People Like Me

Windows & Mirrors

“Grandma Loves Me~”

Coherent Narrative Young Child

Questions What does my birth mom look like? Why didn’t she keep me? (Why didn’t she stop using drugs so she could keep me?) Why did you adopt me? Where’s my birth dad? Are my (siblings) okay? Do you know where they are? Am I going to grow up like my birth parents or my foster/adoptive parents? Why didn’t you send money so she could keep me?

7 – 10 years old  Issues: Envision others beyond self Play by rules  Facts: Why didn’t she keep me? What about my birth dad? With what race do parents associate & associate me?  Feelings: Value Development: Adoptive vs. Birth Parents Anger: I was not valued by BP

School Projects Triggers  National History  Family Tree  How family came to America  Ethnic festival  Drug awareness education  Emerging learning issues

Proactive vs Blindsided

Guilt versus Shame Guilt- we feel guilt for something we did or imagined we did. (Doing) Shame- we feel shameful for who we are. (Being) 29 Becky Carter, LCPC

FAIR Families Fairfamilies.org

Ethnic Fest

No one who looks like me is worth my parents’ friendship Nobody who looks like me is worth my parents’ friendship

Multiracial Identity for everyone

11 – 14 years old  Issues: Ethics Nature vs. Nurture Race/ethnicity as identity  Facts: Was she correct to place me? How am I like my B parent vs. my A parent  Feelings: Observe & Compare: Who am I like? Fear: What will I become? What groups will I fit in with?

School Projects / Triggers Family Tree Career Day Sex Education Biology World History Accommodations

Whose my Tribe?  Racial identity  Adoption identity  Gender identity  Common interests  Common abilities  Shared resources  Shared values

Identity: “Real Family” Biological EmotionalLegal

Birthfamily: first person ethnicity

Society’s Labels vs Self-Identity Black is Beautiful White is Wonderful I am Both

Multiracial for Generations to Come

How do we address “Ferguson”

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Spring 2015 Parenting Webinar Register Now at Identity in Adoption: Mirrors and Windows Have you ever wondered just how much nature vs. nurture will play a role in your adopted child’s identity formation? How will they balance these influences as they pull together their own understanding of who they are? What can you do to help them? Join moderator Leah Bloom, LMFT, as she leads our panel through a discussion about the intricacies of identity formation within an adopted individual. Live Webinar Thursday, May 7 th, :00pm Central Q&A: 8:00pm

Questions and Answers