Jeff Foxworthy on Wisconsin: You might live in Wisconsin if…  you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 38 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by.  your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March.

 you may not have actually eaten it, but you have heard of Head Cheese.  you instinctively walk like a penguin for five months out of the year.  someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work there.  you know how to say Oconomowoc, Waukesha, Menomonie, Manitowoc & Lac Du Flambeau.

 you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time.  your town has an equal number of bars and churches.  you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number.  you think ketchup is a bit too spicy.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE WISCONSINITE WHEN…  your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.  “vacation” means going up north past Hwy 8 for the weekend.  you know several people who have hit deer more than once.

 you often switch from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again.  you can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.  you see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings and funerals).

 you think of the major food groups as beer, fish, and venison.  you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife or girlfriend knows how to use them.  there are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at Mill's Fleet Farm at any given time.

 you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction.  you consider Minneapolis exotic.  you know how to polka.  a brat is something you eat.

 your neighbor throws a party to celebrate the construction of his new pole shed.  your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.  you find minus twenty degrees 'a little chilly'

COLD IS A RELATIVE THING 65 above zero:  Arizonans turn on the heat.  People in Wisconsin plant gardens. 60 above zero:  Californians shiver uncontrollably.  People in Wisconsin sunbathe.

50 above zero:  Italian & English cars won't start.  People in Wisconsin drive with the windows down. 40 above zero:  Georgians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats.  People in Wisconsin throw on a flannel shirt. COLD IS A RELATIVE THING

35 above zero:  New York landlords finally turn up the heat.  People in Wisconsin have the last cookout before it gets cold. 20 above zero:  People in Miami all die.  Wisconsinites close the windows.

COLD IS A RELATIVE THING Zero:  Californians fly away to Mexico.  People in Wisconsin get out their winter coats. 10 below zero:  Hollywood disintegrates.  The Girl Scouts in Wisconsin are selling cookies door to door.

COLD IS A RELATIVE THING 20 below zero:  Washington DC runs out of hot air.  People in Wisconsin let the dogs sleep indoors. 30 below zero:  Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.  Wisconsinites get upset because they can't start the snowmobile.

COLD IS A RELATIVE THING 40 below zero:  ALL atomic motion stops.  Wisconsin public schools will open 2 hrs. late. 50 below zero:  Hell freezes over.  People in Wisconsin start saying...”Cold enough for ya?”