Twitter Glitter or Twitter Litter? How Social Networks are Redefining a Generation and How We Relate Joshua Straub, Ph.D. Dr. Joshua Straub Open with story of Canadian wedding…Obamacare and how infringed on me… How is your family’s relationship with technology doing? How is yours? Has it become “the other parent?” 8 hours on average on screens and 2 ¼ hours a day with parents. Pros: Amazon changed our lives 

Objectives Participants will: Identify and describe the pros and cons of today's changing social networks List seven new, surprising findings about the Millennial Generation and their relationships Explore strategies for using these findings to help the Millennial Generation grow relationally and get them engaged in the Church

Who are Millennials? Optimistic Tech-Savvy Volunteer Pampered/ Trophies Poor work ethic? Helicopter parents Entitled Caring Flip-flops

Who are Millennials? Ask Why Horizontal/ Teamwork, not up-down leadership Desire Authenticity Homosexuality & Abortion More concerned with passion/ lifestyle than money Grew up in 9/11 and Iraq War Poor work ethic? Diverse

Millennials Connected 92% are part of a social networking site 94% of Millennials have a cell phone 31 % of 8-10 year olds 8-18 year olds consume 7 hours 38 min of media/ day Millennials spend nearly 2 hours a day texting (avg teen over 3000 texts/ month) 83% of Millennials sleep with their phones right next to them and turned on

Millennials Connected Cyberbullying 88% have witnessed a friend being cruel online 80% have tried to stop it 21% have joined in

Millennials Connected Online Dating 40 million in U.S. have tried online dating 18.5 months: Avg length of courtship for marriage that met online 42 months: Avg length of courtship for marriage that met offline 17% of marriages last year met online 20% of current committed relationships 33% of women have sex on first in-person online dating encounter

Online Relationships Pros and Cons Access to a wealth of information Pro: More information, and up to the minute Con: Information overload “We’ve always had external sources of information that supplemented our memory, but it seems to me that the danger here is that if we, in effect, train our brains to forget rather than to remember you may still be able to find the individual bits of information when you need them, but what you lose is the personal associations that happen when you actually go through the process of remembering something.” Dr. Nicholas Carr, Pulitzer Prize finalist; Dr. Gary Small, UCLA says parts of our brain really can stop functioning. Con: Rote learning has taken over reasoned learning. Forget about reasoning things out, it’s about telling them where to find the information. All leads to shallow thinking…and Carr believes shallow thinking leads to shallow living… Chief Technology Officer of eBay sends his kids to a nine-classroom school where technology is totally omitted. So do employees like Google, Apple, Yahoo, and HP. Waldorf Schools…

Online Relationships Pros and Cons Con: Information overload Reasoned learning decreases Shallow thinking…leads to shallow living Dr. Nicholas Carr

Online Relationships Pros and Cons New Trend: Attention spans and recent shifts “We appreciate your concern for your child's use of our application, but unfortunately we cannot give you access to the account or take any action on the account at your request. We are generally forbidden by privacy laws against giving unauthorized access to someone who is not an account holder.” New Trend: Waldorf Schooling Instagram, Snapchat, Kik, Whatsapp, WeChat…all threat to Facebook

Online Relationships Pros and Cons “Skimmers” Multitasking- “dumbing down” effect Research shows websites turn readers into skimmers…creating a “dumbing down” effect Studies at Harvard and Stanford Universities, using brightest students found that ALL students’ performance were reduced about one-third when multitasking…but ALL reported at the end they thought they were actually doing better when multitasking versus sequential tasking.

Online Relationships Pros and Cons Allows you to connect with more people Pro: More people build social capital Con: Less quality of relationships; more social isolation; increase in loneliness Overestimate Levels of Intimacy--digital vs. true Pro: Maintain relationships from afar / old friends Con: Expecting more from online relationships than they can give; can’t substitute electronic for physical

Online Relationships Pros and Cons What is intimacy? LOL vs. hearing people laugh (mirror neurons) Physiological benefits of laughing ___________ builds intimacy. Confrontation online or text Blocks negative emotional responses which creates illusion we’re doing no harm. Decrease in empathy ETIQUETTE For transferring information efficiently, the Internet is excellent. For transacting emotionally sensitive or satisfying connections, it's not. My wife and I joke that we use email messaging when we're sitting back-to-back in our home office, but we use it to keep a record of our schedule. When we have a conflict, we turn our chairs around and talk. Even when we're all careful to use the Internet only to exchange information, problems can still arise. People tend to delay answering emails when they don't have what they consider to be good answers or when they want to avoid whatever responsibility the email demands of them. But this is like being asked a question in person and rather than responding, "I don't know" or "I'll have to think about it," turning on your heels and walking away in silence. It's far easier to ignore an email sender's request than a request from someone made in person because an email sender's hope to get a response or frustration in not receiving one remains mostly invisible. But it's every bit as rude. Our "emotional invisibility" on the Internet perhaps also explains so much of the vitriol we see on so many websites. People clearly have a penchant for saying things in the electronic world they'd never say to people in person because the person to whom they're saying it isn't physically present to display their emotional reaction. It's as if the part of our nervous system that registers the feelings of others has been paralyzed or removed when we're communicating electronically, as if we're drunk and don't realize or don't care that our words are hurting others.

Online Relationships Pros and Cons Social Media Contagion Effect (John Cacippo, U of Chicago) Con: loneliness transmitted via social networks (offline relationships if a direct connection of yours is lonely, you’re 52% more likely to be lonely; If it’s a friend of a friend, 25% more; 3 degrees out, 15 % more) Taken to online world, common courtesy and politeness is often missing; increase in social isolation Pro: As we become increasingly networked, it becomes more vital we monitor how we behave 2 in 5 users have ended a relationship due to a virtual altercation. We emulate the ways others treat us. One in five people have ended a real face to face relationship after an online run in. VitalSmarts survey, 2013, Joseph Grenny Researchers have conducted tests that show that people who spend a lot of time scrolling on Facebook are more socially isolated and more frequently depressed than those who do not. The question, of course, poses itself: are lonely people more drawn to social networks – or does constant surfing result in loneliness over time? While it wasn’t able to answer the question conclusively, a joint research study conducted by Berlin’s Humboldt University and the Darmstadt’s Technical University did however reveal that spending time on social networks could lead to negative feelings. The never-ending “envy spiral” "Envy" was the answer in nearly 30% of cases, followed by 20% of those who deplored “lack of feedback” to their posts by other users. In 36% of cases, subjects said they “sometimes to very often” felt frustrated by Facebook. Most envied were the vacations or leisure activities of others, followed by social interactions such as, for example, seeing that a friend got more virtual happy birthday wishes than one had received for one’s own birthday. This is different than face-to-face relations, where envy is fueled by the success, talent and possessions of others.

Millennials Connected 50% of 18-29 y.o. first thing they do as soon as they wake is check Facebook Comparing with Others Narcissism Voyeurism > Self-Pity American Freshman Survey, which has accumulated data for the past 47 years from 9 million young adults, reveals that college students are more likely than ever to call themselves gifted and driven to succeed, even though their test scores and time spent studying are decreasing. Psychologist Jean Twenge, the lead author of the analysis, is also the author of a study showing that the tendency toward narcissism in students is up 30 percent in the last thirty-odd years. On Facebook, young people can fool themselves into thinking they have hundreds or thousands of “friends.” They can delete unflattering comments. They can block anyone who disagrees with them or pokes holes in their inflated self-esteem. They can choose to show the world only flattering, sexy or funny photographs of themselves (dozens of albums full, by the way), “speak” in pithy short posts and publicly connect to movie stars and professional athletes and musicians they “like.” We must beware of the toxic psychological impact of media and technology on children, adolescents and young adults, particularly as it regards turning them into faux celebrities—the equivalent of lead actors in their own fictionalized life stories. Using Twitter, young people can pretend they are worth “following,” as though they have real-life fans, when all that is really happening is the mutual fanning of false love and false fame. Using computer games, our sons and daughters can pretend they are Olympians, Formula 1 drivers, rock stars or sharpshooters.  And while they can turn off their Wii and Xbox machines and remember they are really in dens and playrooms on side streets and in triple deckers around America, that is after their hearts have raced and heads have swelled with false pride for “being” something they are not. On MTV and other networks, young people can see lives just like theirs portrayed on reality TV shows fueled by such incredible self-involvement and self-love that any of the “real-life” characters should really be in psychotherapy to have any chance at anything like a normal life. These are the psychological drugs of the 21st Century and they are getting our sons and daughters very sick, indeed.

Gaming “the strength of the evidence linking media violence to youth aggression is stonger than the evidence linking lead poisoning with mental retardation and more definitive than the case linking secondhand smoke with cancer.” –Hunter & Blair (2013) “Research has associated exposure to media violence with a variety of physical and mental health problems for children and adolescents, including aggressive and violent behavior, bullying, desensitization to violence, fear, depression, nightmares and sleep disturbances.” -The American Academy of Pediatrics VIDEO GAME/ CYBER ADDICTION: The Amerian Academy of Pediatrics takes a hard line on media violence noting their policy statement, “Research has associated exposure to media violence with a variety of physical and mental health problems for children and adolescents, including aggressive and violent behavior, bullying, desensitization to violence, fear, depression, nightmares and sleep disturbances.” Have you ever noticed how you have trouble going to sleep after a violent movie? Same with our kids. The Academy says the media violence-aggression link actually trumps the relationship between calcium consumption and bone mass. Everybody knows calcium depletion is hard on your bones. Violent media games, it seems, are even harder on our son’s minds and spirits. Research across cultures and countries consistently shows that about 10 percent of tweens and teens have a pathological addiction to video gaming. One study in Singapore, a longitudinal two year study found that kids who spent more time playing video games were more likely to become addicts, spending a whopping 31 hours a week on video games. These kids were allowed to play more than 4 hours a day before they spiraled into addiction. The risk factors for juvenile gaming addicts include greater implusivity, less empathy, social competence, and ability to regulate emotions. Those addicted tend to be unhappy, more depressed, anxious and socially phobic and poorer in school than non-addicted peers. All addictions serve the same purpose, to give short-term comfort, satisfaction, relief and excitement—short term gain—and the only reason we call them addictions is because long term pain comes later. The long term pain depends on the addiction: alcohol—cirrhosis of live; gambling—poverty; gaming—social isolation, changes in propensity to violence, truncated social development, academic problems;

   Purposeless Generation Education System Fatherlessness & Divorce Joshua Straub, PhD ©2013 Education System Fatherlessness & Divorce Psychotropic Meds    (Taming) (Wandering) (Numbing) Technology Gaming Social Media Multitasking Adrenaline Narcissism Loneliness Dumbing Down Reasoning Empathy The relationship between boys and their fathers is deteriorating. According to the Center for Media and the Family in Minneapolis, boys now relate directly to their fathers, on average, one-half hour per week, but spend over forty hours a week in front of screens. Role modeling, development of conversations and social skills are profoundly affected. Schoolboys, mismatched in school systems not set up for male energy, are being medicated for behavioral issues at alarming rates. 85% of the world’s Ritalin is used on boys in the United States. The use of antipsychotic drugs on children in general and boys in particular has gone up 500 percent since 1993. A century ago, the schooling of boys would have involved more debates, more competition, more outdoor learning, more hands-on apprenticeship, more coaching in purpose and meaning. Now, many boys cannot find relevance or the male learning style in schools. Gurian, M. (2009). The purpose of boys: Helping our sons find meaning, significance, and direction in their lives. San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass. Purposeless Generation

7 Interesting Facts 1. They use technology to create a stronger sense of self.  2. They have more pride and loyalty than we may think. 3. They don't believe job security exists.    4. They are all about the community.  5. They are family-oriented.  6. They care more about causes than organizations. 7. They are leaving the church more rapidly than ever. Viacom recently released a new study on millenials which surveyed 15,000 people across 24 countries. Technology doesn't define who they are but it enables them to be more of who they already are. They view technology as a tool to reach out to new people, maintain their current friendships and be happier. In the study they found that 75 percent of millennials believe that social media has a beneficial effect on relationships with friends. Millennials have a horrible reputation of job-hopping and disloyalty to employers and brands. This isn't true as long as the brand understands them and caters to them in a unique way. The study also found that they have a strong sense of national pride and interest in maintaining local traditions. They are the most diverse generation, which can also explain why they are more tolerant of other people, countries and cultures. 83 percent of millennials are more proud of their nationality this year as opposed to in 2006, which was at 77 percent. Millennials have been through a horrible recession. Many are unemployed or underemployed (working in retail) and have student loans to pay back. The economy has made it difficult for them to get a head start on their careers and many have had to wait years to attain a professional position. Unemployment is the hottest issue for millennials, even more so than world hunger. Half of millennials believe that job security will continue to get worse and 78 percent would rather have a minimum wage job than no job at all. One reason why millennials cling to social networks is that they enjoy being part of communities. A lot of people believe that millennials are selfish and narcissistic but they aren't. 87 percent apply the phrase "sharing and connecting" to themselves. They are also able to adapt to change (85 percent) which is good in this economy because the workplace is more unstable than it used to be. Millennials are very close with their families, so much so that their parents fly around with them wherever they go. They derive happiness through friendships and enjoy tighter circles. Over the past six years, they've had the same amount of best friends and will have an average of more than two hundred online friends. http://philanthropyjournal.blogspot.com/2013/09/millennials-care-about-causes-over.html http://marc5solas.com/2013/02/08/top-10-reasons-our-kids-leave-church/

R.E.L.A.T.E. Respect Emotional Control Limits Assertiveness Train (the brain…and our kids) Empathy

Respect How is technology taking over your life? “Anything you cannot fast from owns you.” Know your cell phone and what it can do (GPS locaters) Become digitally savvy and know what Millennials are doing online Keep abreast to new technologies (Verizon “family locater” builds a geo-fence) Relationally…don’t judge your teen or Millennials…respect means you seek the underlying motivation behind their behavior. Understanding is extremely important here. Golden Rule…

Emotional Control Model. Model. Model. Don't say anything on email you'd feel uncomfortable saying to someone in person Don’t delay responses to messages you want to avoid Be careful what you say (non-verbal communication is 93% / actual words 7%) Be mindful of emotions and reactions Do not compare to others 55% of communication is nonverbal 38% is tone of voice and 7% is what we actually say. For teens it is huge! Put two speakers beside one another, one is set at volume 8 and the other is set at 1…that is an 8 to 1 ratio Bring your hand to your chin! But put your finger in a circle and take it to your cheek. Take the word love…how many meanings does it have? A lot. Jeremiah, I have plan for welfare, but not calamity. They have not sense of what calamity means but they know what welfare means and if that is what God has for me and my family I don’t want it.

Limits Model. Model. Model. Set texting hours on Millennial cellphone Put computer in family room Set boundaries on time spent on social networks and in front of screens No phones or screens after 8pm Sunday fast day No phones at meals or when with others No phone until after morning devotions Only check at certain times and for certain periods throughout day

Assertiveness Based on Respect…speak your feelings without judging another. Teach them the consequences of their actions (legally, occupationally, etc.) Teach parents to set be assertive in their homes. As long as teens live under their roof they play by their rules. Assert yourself as a mentor and advocate!

Train (the brain & our kids) Play board games, motor-skill mentoring, teach them hands-on, fishing, hunting, hiking, outdoor leadership Exercise together Read books together (not e-books) Pray and meditate Relaxation techniques Sequential tasking

Empathy Be safe Doing empathy; more than having it Maintain healthy balance of online and offline relationships Build real life network of contacts Balance time with family and on internet and keep them separate

References Hart, A. & Frejd Hart, S. (2013). The digital invasion: How technology is shaping you and your relationships. Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Books. Hunter, B. & Blair, K. (2013). From santa to sexting: Helping your child safely navigate middle school and shape the choices that last a lifetime. Abilene, TX: Leafwood Publishers.