WHAT’S “HAPPY” GOT TO DO WITH IT? Deborah Gilboa, MD

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Presentation transcript:

WHAT’S “HAPPY” GOT TO DO WITH IT? Deborah Gilboa, MD www.AskDoctorG.com

Chores are the canary in the coal mine of kids’ character…

Parents feel pressure to help with stress their kids face.

hap·pi· ness: noun good fortune; pleasure; contentment; joy INGREDIENTS: Confidence Competence Relationships hap·pi· ness: noun

3 obstacles to Raising kids of great character Focus on achievement Making kids happy Solving problems for our children they can learn to solve for themselves.

“Happiness Now” Pressure Unattainable Conflicts with resilience Removes opportunity for resilience “practice” Causes us to change the narrative to support everything being ok Limits the resources we offer We’re terrible at predicting it for others

Teens and kids are engaged, passionate and admirable.

HOW DOES FAILURE HELP? independence → confidence Leads to competence Builds relationship Teaches resilience. 8

WHY DO ADULTS SAY NO? Love Fear Guilt Genuine enjoyment responsibility Future consequences Relationship rupture Guilt

THE COST “Students who reported having over-controlling parents reported significantly higher levels of depression and less satisfaction with life. Furthermore, the negative effects of helicopter parenting on college students’ well-being were largely explained by the perceived violation of students’ basic psychological needs for autonomy and competence.”

CULTURE OF “SUCCESSFUL” FAMILIES Myth: “Only I can fix this!” Truth: Failure must be experienced.

When-not-if Language Set Remove Model Set expectations Model the cycle Remove Remove the premise of failure Set Set expectations When-not-if Language

RESILIENCE Mistakes Praise Life lessons Choices Risk-taking Resources!

5 protective factors in resilience social competence problem-solving skills Autonomy sense of purpose use of storytelling 5 protective factors in resilience

“That’s a pretty fine fix you’ve gotten yourself into there, kiddo. I’ll be interested to see what you do to get yourself out.”

Empathy, most often without intervention.

Change a Behavior This Week E-course! /AskDoctorG /AskDocG @AskDocG