WELCOME PARENTS! We’re glad you are back… Loving Solutions for Tough Kids AKA Parent Project® Jr. 71a

Unit 3 Objectives Parents will be able to: Develop effective I Love Messages List the components of Active Listening Discuss the 5 Tips for parents to consider before addressing problematic behavior. Loving Solutions Parent Project, Jr. 71b

Before We Begin Unit 3: Roles Group Facilitator: Group Recorder: Group Time Keeper: Group Cheerleaders/ Nurturers: Each member now takes a minute to explain their assigned job description to their group Loving Solutions Parent Project, Jr. 72a

Ground Rules Active Listening: Only 1 group member speaks at a time. Give your complete & undivided attention. Groups STOP individual conversations when large group activities begin. Confidentiality: Confidentiality means, What is heard in the group, remains in the group. Avoid Being Judgmental: Groups are not a place for judgment, criticism or confrontation. Quantity vs. Quality: The more ideas the better. There are no right or wrong answers in brainstorming activities. OK to Piggy Back: When a member can add to another member’s idea, they should do so. Group Ownership: Once an idea or thought has been spoken aloud, it belongs to the group. Loving Solutions Parent Project, Jr. 72b

Warm Up - Sharing our Progress: In your support groups, take a few minutes to share your stories from last week’s Home Practice. Facilitator, make sure you hear from each group member. What was your child’s response to your new rules? Were you able to develop a Negotiable Rule w/ your child? Please describe. Did you find it necessary to use a Set-Time Out? Please describe it! Loving Solutions Parent Project, Jr. 73

Group Activity 3.1 Let’s Focus INCREASED Homework ? DECREASED Lying ? Loving Solutions Parent Project, Jr. 74

Encouraging: 4 Step Process I Love: I See (specific behavior): I Feel: Listen… SPECIFIC praise works best! Loving Solutions Parent Project, Jr. 75

Group Activity 3.2: Encouraging Tonya returns home from school on time. I Love: I See: I Feel: Listen… Loving Solutions Parent Project, Jr. 76a

Group Activity 3.2: Encouraging (cont.) Jim brings home a report card that shows his increased effort. I Love: I See: I Feel: Listen… Jim says, NO BIG DEAL. What last step will you add? Loving Solutions Parent Project, Jr. 76b

Group Activity 3.2: Encouraging (cont) Write YOUR child’s positive choice: ____________________________________________. I Love: I See: I Feel: Listen… Loving Solutions Parent Project, Jr. 77

Activity 3.3 Why We Sometimes Don’t Parent is too busy Parent feels hopeless 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. Loving Solutions Parent Project, Jr. 78

Activity 3.4 Messages 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 79 Loving Solutions Parent Project, Jr. 79

5 Steps to Active Listening Step 1: Stop what your are doing Step 2: Look at your child Step 3: Listen to your child Step 4: Rephrase or repeat Step 5: Be empathic Loving Solutions Parent Project, Jr. 80

Large Group Activity 3.5 Listening Maria: Valerie & her friends are such jerks! Mom: It sounds like your friendship is a little bumpy right now. Maria: Yeah! They are such creeps. Mom: Getting along with others does take a lot of work. Maria: We used to be best friends; and now they just ignore me. It’s like I‘m not even around. Mom: It is tough. Friends are important & when things aren’t right it is frustrating. Maria: Sure is. No one to talk to; eating lunch by myself. Mom: Sounds like being alone is hard on you.(cont.) Loving Solutions Parent Project, Jr. 81

Large Group Activity 3.5 Listening (cont) Maria: I hate it. Having other kids at school see me eating lunch by myself. It’s embarrassing. I know they are all laughing at me. Mom: Mom says nothing but gives her child a sympathetic look & nods her head. Maria: I just want to have friends. Mom: I can understand how you must feel. Friends are important. I too can remember feeling alone at school… Loving Solutions Parent Project, Jr. 82

Group Activity 3.6 Willingness to Listen Brainstorm w/ the large group: The feelings of the child The feelings of the parent Why the role play worked out the way it did How could the parent do it better Loving Solutions Parent Project, Jr. 83a

Group Activity 3.6 (cont) Willingness to Listen 2. With your partner, answer the following: Would this child likely come to the parent again for advice? Does the parent know if the child had a similar problem? Listening encourages open communication; plus, by experiencing active listening, kids are learning a critical life skill! Loving Solutions Parent Project, Jr. 83b

Group Activity 3.7 How did it feel to have someone doing nothing but listening to you? How did you know your partner wanted to understand how you felt? How did your partner show empathy for your situation and feelings? How did your partner seek to clarify your meaning & feelings. Step 5: Switch Roles & complete Steps 3 & 4. Loving Solutions Parent Project, Jr. 84

Activity 3.8 Clarifying Questions & Feelings Missy is caught with tobacco at school. Questions: Parental Feelings: 2. The school principal just informed you that Justin cursed at his teacher. 3. Bobby is caught stealing a candy bar at the corner store. Loving Solutions Parent Project, Jr. 85

Planning our Response Timing Location Minimize Interruptions Develop a Plan Prepare for your Child’s Reaction Loving Solutions Parent Project, Jr. 86

Activity 3.9:Planning Timing: Choose a Private, Neutral Location: What will you do to calm yourself? When will you talk to your child? Choose a Private, Neutral Location: Where will you talk to your child? Minimize Interruptions: What will you do to ensure that you are not disturbed? Develop a Plan/Outline (Organize thoughts) What do you want to say to your child? What questions do you want to ask? What are your feelings about the behavior? Prepare yourself for your Child’s Reaction: What are the possibilities? Loving Solutions Parent Project, Jr. 87

Redirecting 6 Step Process: I Love: tell them how much you care I See: name a specific behavior I Feel: watch out - if you use more than one word, it’s probably a lecture vs. a feeling LISTEN: Shhhh…. I Want: clarify the specific rule I Will: list all the things you’ll do to help them be successful following the rule Loving Solutions Parent Project, Jr. 88

Group Activity 3.10 Putting it Together Scenario: Henry receives a Progress Report for not turning in homework. True Problem Parent Feelings Effect on Parent ? ? ? I Love Message to Henry: I Love… I See… I Feel… LISTEN/QUESTIONS I Want… I Will… Loving Solutions Parent Project, Jr. 89

Group Activity 3.11 Problems Scenario at my house regarding a problem behavior: True Problem Parent (MY) Feelings Effect on (ME) Parent ? ? ? I Love Message to MY child: I Love… I See… I Feel… LISTEN/ Clarifying QUESTIONS I Want… I Will… Loving Solutions Parent Project, Jr. 90

Our Child’s Reaction Examples: Anger: Why are you always picking on me? Denial: I didn’t do that! Blame: It wasn’t my fault. He started it. (cont.) Loving Solutions Parent Project, Jr. 91a

Our Child’s Reaction Parents Should: Remain calm & listen Return to the original reasons Clarify your expectations & rules Identify the consequences &/or provide more structure End on a Positive Note: I know you are capable & can do this. (cont.) Loving Solutions Parent Project, Jr. 91b

Our Child’s Reaction Parents Should NOT: Insist their child look at them Apologize for the confrontation Judge the child Preach or lecture Try to scare the child Compare the child to others Use sarcasm, ridicule or pressure Loving Solutions Parent Project, Jr. 91c

Group Activity 3.13 The Entire Process Step 1: Timing Step 2: Neutral Location Step 3: Minimize Interruptions Step 4: Develop a Plan/Outline: organize thoughts; what will I say - identify & list the: True Problem Parent Feeling Effect on the Parent (continued) Loving Solutions Parent Project, Jr. 92a

Group Activity 3.13 The Entire Process (cont.) Step 4, continued I Love Message to Keri… I Love I See (specific behavior) I Feel (limit to 1 or 2 words) LISTEN/ASK (listen first and then list clarifying questions you will need to ask) I Want (specific Rule) I Will (all the things you’ll do to support your child’s success) Step 5: Prepare yourself for your Child’s Reaction: What are the possibilities? List how the child might respond to your conversation. Loving Solutions Parent Project, Jr. 93

Group Activity 3.14: She Refuses… Working w/ your support group, help Andrea’s mom develop a plan to encourage Andrea to clean her room. Now working w/ your group, decide whether getting Andrea to clean her room will be easy stuff or tough as nails? Why? Loving Solutions Parent Project, Jr. 94

Review Activity 3.15 Children are generally driven by ___________. Parents should ______ themselves before they address problematic behaviors with their children. Parents should always be calm when they _________ their children about problematic behaviors. Children may need a _____ - __________ Time Out, before they complete a task they see as work. Parents should use _____ Love __________, to BOTH encourage their children’s positive choices as well as redirect negative choices. Loving Solutions Parent Project, Jr. 95

Most Powerful Ideas Learned in Unit 3: ? ? Loving Solutions Parent Project, Jr. 96

Home Practice Find an opportunity to give your child an “I Love Message” for a positive choice. If you need to redirect a negative choice, use an “I Love Message.” Find an opportunity to practice Active Listening w/ your child or your spouse. Make sure you bring back your success stories to share with your support group next week. Loving Solutions Parent Project, Jr. 97

Next Week … Structuring for Success Learn how to make life easier around the house and help your child improve school grades. Loving Solutions Parent Project, Jr. 98

PARENTS, pay attention to Words of Wisdom Children often forget what we say, but they never forget how we make them feel. Author Unknown PARENTS, pay attention to what we are “telling” our kids! Loving Solutions Parent Project, Jr. 99