Molly Brown, BA CHKD Parent Educator molly.brown@chkd.org 757.668.9304 Five Languages of Love Molly Brown, BA CHKD Parent Educator molly.brown@chkd.org 757.668.9304

Why are you here today?

Hopefully, you came How? to learn how to fill a child’s emotional tank. How? By learning to speak their love language.

Before we start…

Unconditional love is the foundation ♥ No matter what they look like ♥ Handicaps ♥ Abilities ♥ Behavior You still care for them! 5

Finding a child’s primary love language is important! Over time, a child’s primary love language may change. With children under age 5, you might not be able to figure out their primary love language.

Understanding Languages of Love Caregivers do need to speak all 5 love languages to keep the emotional tank full. If you have several children, chances are they speak different love languages and need to be loved in different ways.

How did you know an adult loved you when you were younger?

Languages of Love ♥ Physical Touch ♥ Words of Affirmation ♥ Quality Time ♥ Gifts ♥ Acts of Service

#1 Touch High fives Hugs Bear hugs Kisses Pats Soft strokes Massage Snuggling Riding piggyback Contact sports

If you were to ask, “How do you know ____ loves you?” “I know my mommy loves me because she is always hugging me… and my friends.” (A Book of Hugs) “Mr. Cassidy always gives me a high five when I see him.”

Physical Touch Infants, toddlers, school age children - need lots! Boys 7 -9 years old - may resist hugs and kisses but still need physical contact (wrestling, bear hugs, high fives, playing sports, running your hands through their hair) Adolescence - Boys and girls pull back but don’t hold back touches. Girls need more expressions of love from dads during this time (if not, they will seek it out from another man).

Touching Some need personal space Read body language Ask if you can Pull back? Ask if you can

and this is their love language, you will hurt them very deeply. If you use physical touch as an expression of anger or hostility, (spanking) and this is their love language, you will hurt them very deeply.

So find ways to use positive touch

Find the moments!

# 2 Affirmation Words of Praise Encouragement Guidance Support Some children become accustomed to praise and expect it (self-esteem)

Words Give positive messages “I love you” – some can’t say this “Thank you for _____” “I’m so proud of you” “I’m so proud of you for _______”

Verbal or Written Write a note Send a card Send an email Post it In with their lunch On their hand (The Kissing Hand) Send a card Send an email

You are a cheerleader!

“Wow, that was close” or “That’s a great effort, you’ve almost got it” instead of “Come on you can do better than that”

“I can’t do it!” You haven’t been able to do it up to now. Encourage means “to instill courage” You haven’t been able to do it up to now.

Communication Are you really listening? Need to be approachable, accepting, open, no put downs, non-judgmental

Watch your tone and body language

Boys to Men We want: Caring Sensitive Believe in female equality We still say: “Don’t cry” “Toughen up” “Be strong” “What sport do you play?” “Be a man”

Choose your words carefully Choose your words carefully. Words of disapproval will hurt them very deeply.

Comment on the positive

So… find ways to encourage and praise!

# 3 Quality Time Play with me!

In a school setting adults show this love language by being a: Teacher that stays after school. Volunteer that comes in to read. Staff person who comes out to after hour school events.

When you spend time with a child, you create memories for a lifetime.

“My dad comes to my soccer game and we go out for a smoothie afterwards.” “Mom took just me fishing.” ∞Plenty of time to talk

Time Plan for quality time One-on-one time with each child Lunch Camping trip One-on-one time with each child Be excited to see them! Find time when you are relaxed and upbeat (not exhausted).

Quality vs. Quantity Eye contact Smile ☺ Really be with them Are you ignoring me? Often use in negative way Smile ☺ Really be with them Quality conversation Ask specific questions Give examples from your day Try storytelling

Parents - Do ANYTHING! Watch a movie Read a book Trip to the store Finger paint with chocolate pudding Dance together Go to a jump house Go mermaid hunting

Ask “If you could do something special with mom/dad, what would that be?” flash light tag Keep it simple, make it fun! (KISMIF)

Family Dinner

Slow down. Learn to say, “No” to other obligations Slow down! Learn to say, “No” to other obligations. Make time with your child a priority.

So go play!

# 4 Gifts Has little to do with the size and cost Not to be a payback or bribe Avoid a guilt gift (going overboard is not the cure all) Should be personal, know/learn interest of the child Tangible, visual reminder, “I know your thinking about me.”

A child would say… “Mom bought me new school clothes.” “My dad bought me a baseball glove.” “Grandpa brought me a rock from Yellowstone Park.”

Receiving Gifts Children whose primary love language is gifts will: Make a big deal about receiving the gift Want the present wrapped or given in a creative way Will talk about how it is wrapped Feel very special when opening it and want your undivided attention while opening it Make a special place for the gift and want to share or show it to friends It will not matter if the gift was bought, made, or found. What matters is that you thought about them!

Divorce The expensive present will not make everything better.

No meaning Child becomes “emotionally dead” to receiving Too many gifts? No meaning Child becomes “emotionally dead” to receiving

# 5 Acts of Service Whom do you serve? Kids, parent, employer, spouse/significant other, church, organization It is physically and emotionally demanding to provide acts of service.

School nurse

Bus driver that says a spirited Good morning

What can you teach a child? To serve people who are in no way able to return or repay the kindness. Having a bad day Different Disabled Disadvantaged

I know my mom/dad/grandma loves me because…. She always helps me with my homework He fixes my bike He takes me to my karate lessons She makes me chocolate chip pancakes on Saturdays

Make service age appropriate Do for your children what they can not do for themselves initially As they are ready, teach them how to serve themselves and others (make the bed, laundry, cook, put clothes away, hang up jacket, etc.)

Recognizing Acts of Service As children mature, they increasingly notice what is being done for them and are also aware of what has been done in the past. They will also notice what adults do for other people and will want to participate in work projects too.

When your child’s primary love language is service Remember when they ask for your help (“Can you fix this?”) they are asking you to do more than a task, they need you to fill their emotional love tank. This does not mean you jump at every request. It does mean that you should be more sensitive to those requests and recognize that your response will either fill or empty their emotional tank.

Role Model Set a good example in public and private. Keep your word. Respecting others Don’t forget your Please Thank you I'm sorry Keep your word.

(While a child is doing homework) You can model reading and studying

Hosting others in you home Hospitality Hosting others in you home

Help your child foster positive relationships with friends, siblings and members of the community.

Be a child’s advocate! Daycare School From a bully Family Neighbors

Acts of service to self Teach that you need to take care of your body by taking care of YOUR body. Ask yourself: Do I have down time? Do I make time to do things I enjoy? Am I getting enough sleep? How is my nutrition? Am I finding ways to fit exercise into my routine? Do I have high self esteem and talk highly of myself? When was the last time I laughed?

American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) A child's health depends significantly on the care and guidance you offer during his early years. Regular check ups, keeping him safe from accidents, providing a nutritious diet, and encouraging exercise throughout childhood, you help protect and strengthen his body.

Sleep Needs Infants 14 – 18 hours Toddlers 11 hrs plus a two hour nap Preschoolers 11 – 12 hrs (average 8.7 at night and 9.5 with a nap) School age 10 – 11 hours Adolescents 9.25 hrs (average 6 hr 50 min) Adults 8.25 hrs (average 6 hr 54 min)

Which one is a child’s primary love language?

How can you tell? Observe how a child expresses love to you and to others. Listen to what a child requests most. Notice what a child most frequently complains about. Give a child a choice between two options.

Take the quiz

When a child’s love tank is full, it fosters emotional development and better equips the child to learn.

Empty love tank Misbehavior

When they act out they are saying, “Do you love me?” Help children learn to identify and express anger. Teach appropriate ways.

Stove Black, pink (problem to solve), red, red hot How big an ice cube do you need to cool down? 69

Adults must have a handle on their anger. Anger and Love Adults must have a handle on their anger.

If you make a mistake, admit it. Apologize Kids can be very forgiving.

Single parenting and love languages Love tank has been ruptured. Help a child process grief. Denial Anger Bargaining More anger Parents are also grieving and need time as well.

Teenage years Very vulnerable time They need premium fuel

Music When you sing, you use more brain tissue. Creates connections in the brain. Music creates emotional memory. Physical Touch and sing Sing Words of Affirmation Sing while spending Quality Time Gifts of music Music Acts of Service Caroling

Can you see how this applies in your adult relationships as well? Might better understand family members, friends and co-workers.

Does this explain a misunderstanding you have had?

What is one way you can speak your child’s love language? ___________________________________

If I had my child to raise all over again, I'd build self-esteem first, and the house later. I'd finger-paint more, and point the finger less. I would do less correcting and more connecting. I'd take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes. I'd take more hikes and fly more kites. I'd stop playing serious, and seriously play. I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars. I'd do more hugging and less tugging. ~Diane Loomans, If I Had My Child To Raise Over Again

Go share your love!

Resources The Five Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman & Ross Campbell

Questions??

Thanks for coming!