Lets’ Talk About It And if you don’t

VIDEO CLIP: COMMUNICATION

Outline What gets in the way The end goal……. Resiliency Able to the do the “right” thing” Able to self-directed Taking care of themselves Examples of what doesn’t work Simple but powerful ways of talking to kids Restorative questions Putting the “anxiety” outside of themselves Normalizing Making the problem the problem

WHAT GETS IN THE WAY

TWO MINDSETS FixedGrowth

You got it or you don’tYou can do it!

Mindsets become beliefs Fixed Forever Fate Determined No options No hope Privilege…. Don’t have to work Growth Possibility Hope Dreams can become reality Capacity Choice Effort will win

WHICH LEADS KIDS TO….

This is terrrrrible! !!!!!! Awfulizing………..

You always… I always…. This always…. Generalizing

This is the end of…. It’s never going to change Catastrophizing

It’s always me…. They are picking on me… I’m terrible…. You hate me…. Personalizing

Awfulize Generalize Catastrophize Personalize

WHERE EMPATHY FITS IN Brene Brown on Empathy

 USING THIS FRAMEWORK TO GET TO: * FACTS * THOUGHTS * FEELINGS * BEHAVIOURS AND ACTIONS

What not to ask or say? Why? How come? Didn’t I tell you Again? Avoid the shame/blame……trap It’s a time bomb…..

HOW TO GET TO THE GOLD? The Questions

Restorative Questions I: Responsibility taking Restorative Questions I: Responsibility taking What happened?What happened? What were you thinking at the time?What were you thinking at the time? What have you thought about since?What have you thought about since? Who has been affected by what you did?Who has been affected by what you did? In what way?In what way? What do you think you need to do to make things right?What do you think you need to do to make things right? 22

ROLE PLAY AND DEMONSTRATE What is the impact?

What did you think when you realised what had happened?What did you think when you realised what had happened? What impact has this incident had on you and others?What impact has this incident had on you and others? What has been the hardest thing for you?What has been the hardest thing for you? What do you think needs to happen to make things right?What do you think needs to happen to make things right? 24 Restorative Questions II: For those harmed by other’s actions

ROLE PLAY AND DEMONSTRATE What is the impact?

HURT KIDS, HURT OTHERS And scared kids and anxious ones and worried kids and kids who are bullied……..

Blending the two sets of questions: Responsibility and Needs What happened? What did you think? How were you affected? How did you respond? What did you feel? What did you need? What do you need to do fix things? How might you respond next time?

ADD TO THE TOOL KIT Normalize and de-problematize

Normalize Alexander and the terrible no good, very bad ….DAY!!!!!!!!!

MAKING THE PROBLEM….THE PROBLEM…… not the person

TAKE THE LABEL OFF…. BECAUSE THEY STICK AS MUCH AS THE STIGMA

Put it outside Volcano in my tummy Fooling your anxiety Go for control of it….

When it gets very big, its time for longer conversations Bullying…… “To This Day”……. Shane Koyczan

SUMMARY

All I Ever Knew I learned in Kindergarten Share everything. Play fair. Don't hit people. Put things back where you found them. Clean up your own mess. Don't take things that aren't yours. Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody. Wash your hands before you eat.

Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you. Live a balanced life--learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some. Take a nap every afternoon. When you go out into the world, watch out for traffic, hold hands, and stick together. Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the Styrofoam cup: The roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that. Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the Styrofoam cup--they all die. So do we. And then remember the Dick-and-Jane books and the first word you learned--the biggest word of all— LOOK.

Everything you need to know is in that book somewhere. The Golden Rule and love and basic sanitation. Ecology and politics and equality and sane living. Take any one of those items and extrapolate it into sophisticated adult terms and apply it to your family life or your work or your government or your world and it holds true and clear and firm. Think what a better world it would be if we all —the whole world— had cookies and milk about three o'clock every afternoon and then lay down with our blankies for a nap. Or if all governments had as a basic policy to always put things back where they found them and to clean up their own mess. And it is still true, no matter how old you are-- when you go out into the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together. --Robert Fulghum

So……in simple terms Be a good person…. Together we are better and stronger Alone……not so much…. It is about relationships We are all in it together For the best of OUR kids…….. They are OUR future.

AS PARENTS With Your Own Children Relationships are the foundation Use everything as a teachable moment Invest in tomorrow….today! Explain and guide Watch out for the shame/blame trap! Simple ways of talking are often very powerful For Yourself Take time for yourself Use other parents You and the School Get the school on board…and get on board with the school!

Kahil Gibran; On Children Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, And though they are with you yet they belong not to you. You may give them your love but not your thoughts, For they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams. You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you. For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday. You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth. The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far. Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness; For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

All I Ever Knew I learned in Kindergarten Share everything. Play fair. Don't hit people. Put things back where you found them. Clean up your own mess. Don't take things that aren't yours. Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody. Wash your hands before you eat. Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you. Live a balanced life--learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some. Take a nap every afternoon. When you go out into the world, watch out for traffic, hold hands, and stick together. Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the Styrofoam cup: The roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that. Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the Styrofoam cup-- they all die. So do we. And then remember the Dick-and-Jane books and the first word you learned--the biggest word of all—

Everything you need to know is in that book somewhere. The Golden Rule and love and basic sanitation. Ecology and politics and equality and sane living. Take any one of those items and extrapolate it into sophisticated adult terms and apply it to your family life or your work or your government or your world and it holds true and clear and firm. Think what a better world it would be if we all —the whole world— had cookies and milk about three o'clock every afternoon and then lay down with our blankies for a nap. Or if all governments had as a basic policy to always put things back where they found them and to clean up their own mess. And it is still true, no matter how old you are-- when you go out into the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together. --Robert Fulghum