Deborah Gilboa, MD HOW TO GUIDE YOUR TW/TEEN TO INDEPENDENCE Without Losing Your Mind! #INA30

If you could wave a magic wand... What do you want for this child’s future?

hap·pi· ness: noun good fortune; pleasure; contentment; joy INGREDIENTS: 1.Confidence 2.Competence 3.Relationships

If your tween could wave a magic wand... What does she want to be allowed to DO?

Cell phone Stay home alone Date Drive at night Move out! Take a trip without you Go to camp Get on Social Media Use the stove/oven Auditioning for something professional

6 WHY WOULD WE LET THEM TRY? Proves independence Leads to competence Builds relationship Teaches resilience.

STATS Sallie Mae study of undergrads: average credit card balance is $3,173 US Census Bureau: 2010 adults age living at home ↑26% to 5.9mil >2/3 parents give their adult children $$$ support (doubled in 20 yrs)

CULTURE OF “SUCCESSFUL” FAMILIES The Myth: “Getting involved will make us both feel better!” The Truth: Stepping back helps kids become adults.

“Students who reported having over- controlling parents reported significantly higher levels of depression and less satisfaction with life. Furthermore, the negative effects of helicopter parenting on college students’ well-being were largely explained by the perceived violation of students’ basic psychological needs for autonomy and competence.” THE COST

WHAT ADULTS KNOW The second decade of life is for learning: Independence Competence How to build relationships Stepping back a little strengthens kids. Independence → RESILIENCE

So why do we step in? Love Empathy Helpfulness Greater resources Experience Habit Genuine enjoyment Fear Responsibility Overwhelming Deteriorating Future consequences Risking the relationship GUIL T.

ONE STEP BACK Skill building Time management Resource finding Life skills Relationship building Teachers, TA’s, coaches Siblings Friends, romance Problem-solving

RESILIENCE CHALLENGES  Mistakes  Accidents  Pain  Social consequences  Judgment from other parents  Haters  11:00 News…

WHAT ADULTS NEED TO REMEMBER Adult involvement supports Safety Growth Learning Adult intervention harms Confidence Competence Relationships

GUIDE THEIR PLAN Let life teach the lesson! Praise the process. Play “What if?” Read a book or watch a show. What would you tell a friend? CONTRACT “I’ll be really interested to see what you do!”

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