From Skill to Will Getting Our Hearts Right. H. Wallace Goddard.

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Presentation transcript:

From Skill to Will Getting Our Hearts Right

H. Wallace Goddard

James Marshall

The Personal Journey

Managing Stress

The Marriage Garden

A Parenting Journey

See the World Through My Eyes

Navigating Life’s Journey

From Skill to Will Getting Our Hearts Right

Have you ever had a conflict?

Conflict is universal in human experience!

Conflict is at the heart of human stories.

On the worksheet make a note in the top box that will remind you of a current conflict in your life.

When there is a problem, we often:

Provide knowledge

When there is a problem, we often: Provide knowledge Practice skills

When there is a problem, we often: Provide knowledge Practice skills

What about motivation? What if we know what to do, we have the ability to do it, but we don’t want to (or refuse to) do it?

Skill is not enough. We need will – or willingness

In relationships: “If all we do is stress communication skills to people without softening their hearts, we will simply make people more clever fighters!” - Douglas E. Brinley

The challenge for getting our hearts right:

We all suffer from heart disease!

3 kinds of heart disease:

1)Bias We tend to be biased in our perceptions of others.

3 kinds of heart disease: 1)Bias We tend to be biased in our perceptions of others. 2)Hardheartedness We selectively close our hearts to the distress of others.

3 kinds of heart disease: 1)Bias We tend to be biased in our perceptions of others. 2)Hardheartedness We selectively close our hearts to the distress of others. 3)Negativity We naturally dwell on people’s problems and shortcomings.

We are wired in ways that keep us at odds with each other.

Bias We label family members and friends based on narrow experience.

Bias

Hardheartedness We close ourselves to other’s distress.

Hardheartedness Our own distress can close us off to the distress of others.

Hardheartedness Our own distress can close us off to the distress of others.

Negativity We react strongly to the bad – and we tend to remember it.

There is a solution!

3 remedies for heart disease:

Humility

3 remedies for heart disease: Humility Compassion

3 remedies for heart disease: Humility Compassion Positivity

Humility prepares our hearts How do you react when someone attacks you? Humility Compassion Positivity

Humility prepares our hearts How do you react when someone attacks you? Usual response: “Look who’s talking! The village idiot!” Humility Compassion Positivity

Humility prepares our hearts How do you react when someone attacks you? Usual response: “Look who’s talking! The village idiot!” Humble response: “I’m sure you know things that I could learn from.” Humility Compassion Positivity

Humility prepares our hearts How do you react when someone irritates you? Humility Compassion Positivity

A step toward humility: Recognize our biases Humility Compassion Positivity

A step toward humility: Recognize our biases Our early experiences create a filter through which we see all subsequent people and events. Humility Compassion Positivity

A step toward humility: Recognize our biases We focus on ourselves and our needs. Humility Compassion Positivity

A step toward humility: Recognize our biases We excuse ourselves – but not others. Humility Compassion Positivity

A step toward humility: Recognize our biases We divide the world into the good and the bad. Humility Compassion Positivity

A step toward humility: Recognize our biases We think our view is objective while others are biased. Humility Compassion Positivity

A step toward humility: Recognize our biases Our gut can hijack our heads. Humility Compassion Positivity

A step toward humility: Recognize our biases Rather than look for new insight, we look for confirmation of our beliefs. Humility Compassion Positivity

A step toward humility: Recognize our biases Without realizing it, we modify our memories to fit our agendas. Humility Compassion Positivity

A step toward humility: Recognize our biases Anger narrows our focus. Humility Compassion Positivity

Why talk so much about bias? Humility Compassion Positivity

Why talk so much about bias? To humble us! Humility Compassion Positivity

Best treatment for bias? Humility Compassion Positivity

Best treatment for bias? Humility Compassion Positivity 1)Recognize that we are all biased.

Best treatment for bias? Humility Compassion Positivity 1)Recognize that we are all biased. 2)Be willing to see the weakness in our own logic

On the worksheet are two boxes under “Humility” to help you prepare your heart for solving the conflict you listed earlier.

Compassion opens our hearts. How do you feel when your rival or opponent has bad luck? Humility Compassion Positivity

Compassion opens our hearts. How do you feel when your rival or opponent has bad luck? Usual response: “Serves ‘em right!” “She got what she deserves!” Humility Compassion Positivity

Compassion opens our hearts. How do you feel when your rival or opponent has bad luck? Usual response: “Serves ‘em right!” “She got what she deserves!” Compassionate response: “Ouch! That’s too bad.” Humility Compassion Positivity

Compassion opens our hearts. Humility Compassion Positivity Compassion is a CHOICE of the heart.

Compassion opens our hearts. Humility Compassion Positivity What is compassion?

Compassion opens our hearts. Humility Compassion Positivity Compassion opens our hearts to other people and their stories.

Compassion opens our hearts. Humility Compassion Positivity Compassion helps us listen past the edge in someone’s voice.

Compassion opens our hearts. Humility Compassion Positivity People do what they do for reasons that make sense to them.

Compassion opens our hearts. Humility Compassion Positivity Great messengers of compassionate listening:

On the worksheet are three boxes under “Compassion” to help you open your heart to solving the conflict you listed earlier.

Positivity expands our hearts. As you interact with people, what do you usually see? Humility Compassion Positivity

Positivity expands our hearts. As you interact with people, what do you usually see? Usual response: “People are a mess. They are self-centered and thoughtless.” Humility Compassion Positivity

Positivity expands our hearts. As you interact with people, what do you usually see? Usual response: “People are a mess. They are self-centered and thoughtless.” Positive response: “People really try. I’m amazed at some of the things they come up with.” Humility Compassion Positivity

Positivity expands our hearts. Positivity is the practice of seeing good things in people and relationships. Humility Compassion Positivity

Positivity expands our hearts. Realism vs. rose-colored glasses Humility Compassion Positivity

Positivity expands our hearts. Key to strong relationships: 5:1 Humility Compassion Positivity

Positivity expands our hearts. Humility Compassion Positivity

Positivity expands our hearts. Bids for connection: Turning toward Humility Compassion Positivity

On the worksheet are five boxes under “Positivity” to help you expand your heart and solve the conflict you listed earlier.

Those guys are jerks! Humility Compassion Positivity

Humility Compassion Positivity From Skill to Will Getting Our Hearts Right