2. Jackasscapade Productions presents

3. Jason was the son of a king, but his big mean bastard of an uncle, Pelias, usurped the throne. He might’ve killed the boy at birth if his mother hadn’t pretended he was dead and secretly sent him to live with the centaur, Chiron, who trained him in the hunt and civilized arts. When he came of age, Jason set out to reclaim the throne.

4. Of course, his whole adventure was a scheme of the infamous queen of the gods and super bodacious babe, Hera, who was miffed that Pelias had honored all the gods but her. She was plotting his downfall as his punishment, but she’d need a true hero to be the key player in her plan.

5. Hera tested Jason by having him swim an old woman (Hera in disguise) across a river. He lost a sandal in the process, which is important since an oracle told Pelias to “beware a stranger wearing a single sandal”.

6. Panting and wheezing, Jason arrived at the naughty king’s palace and announced his right to the throne. Pelias invited him to a banquet, where he told him to seek the Golden Fleece and become a hero (hoping he’d get snuffed on the adventure).

7. Jason assembled a crew of shipmates and set off on the Argo, in which Athena had installed a talking prow (that would never shut up). When they got to Salmydessus, they found the king there was being troubled and pooped on by harpies that the gods had sicked on him for offending them.

8. The Argonauts got rid of the harpies, and the king thanked them with information about two great rocks that crushed ships when they passed between them. Jason sent a bird between the two rocks so they would close ahead of the Argo, and the heroes rowed through as they reset themselves.

9. They got to Colchis, and the big mean bastard of a king, Aeetes, took immediate dislike to them. He wouldn’t give them the Golden Fleece because he felt it was his property. But his daughter, Medea, reminded him that the gods don’t like inhospitable hosts, and he suddenly became suspiciously reasonable with Jason.

10. Aeetes told Jason that he could have the fleece if he could plow the royal fields with his two bulls (which he neglected to mention had razor hooves and hot chicken wing breath). However, Medea put a spell on Jason to make him flame retardant (since Aphrodite made her fall head-over-heels with the big idiot), and he plowed the field effortlessly.

11. Problem was the seeds were actually dragon’s teeth, which sprouted into fully armed warriors and attacked Jason (apparently, dragon’s teeth do this all the time). Medea told him to make them fight each other, since it was obvious Jason was too lacking in heroic ability and cojones to fight even one of them. He threw a rock at one warrior, who thought his buddy did it and attacked him, causing a chain reaction of the warriors killing each other.

12. Aeetes gave in and said Jason could have the fleece. He directed him to the grove that it was kept in, once again neglecting to fill him in on minutely important details. For example: the Golden Fleece being guarded by a giant serpent.

13. Jason prepared to fight the beast, but Medea was worried that the great white dope would end up picking himself out of its teeth. So she dispelled a sleeping potion on the serpent, and the two lovers made off with the fleece.

14. Once back in Greece, Jason dumped Medea for another princess, proving his skills in relationships were just as shoddy as his skills in heroics.