1. Pre-Internship October 5, 2009

2. Today’s Agenda Guidelines presentation – Sabrina, Tommy, & Morgan (1:00-1:30) Multigenerational therapy (1:30-2:15) Break (2:15-2:30) Multigenerational therapy (2:30-3:00) Dyads (3:00-3:50)

3. MULTIGENERATIONAL THERAPY: RELATIONSHIP PATTERNS

4. Relationship Patterns Conflict Distance Cut-off Overfunctioning/underfunctioning Triangles

5. The Ideal Relationship Each person responsible for self only Individuals are in contact Each takes responsibility for defining & communicating own thoughts & positions to the other Awareness of the emotional/feeling system that exists within the self Three characteristics: Separate Equal Open

6. Optimal Open Communication Talking about relevant matters Nonreactive Directness Mutuality Thinking-based conversation Creativity Self-definition Meaningfulness

7. Improving Relationships Steps in families’ reactions to increased differentiaton “You are wrong.” “Change back.” “If you do not, these are the consequences.” Expression of appreciation for the change Change in multigenerational therapy Relationship work = solitary project Change must come from within the self

8. Relationship Misconceptions The other person will make me happy. I can change the other. Differentiation = cold & unfeeling It is my right to respond from my emotions to my partner’s anxiety. This relationship will never get any better. I’ve changed myself all I can and things aren’t any better. Whenever one needs to get feelings out, the other has to listen. Excessive worry about the past is defeating to relationships. If you don’t love me like my mother did, then you don’t love me. I can cut off from my extended family and still have good relationships.

9. Ways to Promote Relationship Success Work toward your own emotional calm & objectivity Take responsibility for self Stay in contact with family members Try to understand where anxiety in others is coming from Do not take on the emotions of others Do not expect or rely on approval from others Make important relationship decisions calmly & thoughtfully Work toward needing less togetherness

10. BREAK 2:15-2:30

11. MULTIGENERATIONAL THERAPY: INCREASING DIFFERENTIATION

12. Increasing Differentiation by Watching for Process Observing how emotions flow & change within & among the individuals & triangles of a relationship system Observing the facts of how, when, & under what conditions who does what Watching the movement of anxiety through the system as the principals play out togetherness Watching for as many parameters & patterns of functioning of the self & others in the system as possible

13. How to Increase Differentiation Start with the family of origin Observe the emotional system Relate to the emotional system Teach oneself to get out of emotional patterns Develop an individual relationship with each parent Family gatherings – spend time with each person present Remember – Work on yourself, not them.

14. Steps in Family of Origin Work Try to develop a one-to-one relationship with every person in your family of origin Step back & observe emotional processes & patterns Make a plan for relating to the emotional process in a more mature way Play your part in the family patterns differently Be prepared for the family’s reaction to your change

15. Processing Feelings Observe the feeling state Calm the feelings as soon as possible Thinking What is the feeling that has been triggered? What was the trigger? Is this trigger & resulting feeling a pattern? Are there other options in responding to the trigger? Repetition of the new response

16. DYADS – GROUP 4

17. Next Week… Genograms due Reading Gilbert, 19-20 Titelman