1. OC Mediation Conference 2011 2012

2. Debra Dupree, MA, MFT #23250 1-800-743-1973 http://www.relationshipsthatmatter.com Bryan Buljat, MBA, Certified Tax Planner 1-619-501-1900 http://divorcesolutionssandiego.com

3. WHAT TO LOOK FOR… Traits vs. Disorders Who is the “reasonable” person? What are some of the maladaptive or high conflict personality traits that flourish in divorce? How to recognize (but not diagnose) the high conflict personality disorder when presented in divorce. March '12OC Mediation Conference 2012

4. Four Clusters of Personality Disorders – DSM IV Borderline: marked by extreme mood swings, fears of abandonment, frequent anger and manipulative behavior Histrionic: emotionally intense, similar to Borderline but often with less anger and more drama; sometimes fabricates events Narcissistic: extreme preoccupation with self, a disdain for others, and preoccupation with being treated superior Antisocial: extreme disregard for the rules of society, little empathy, and a willingness to hurt others for personal gain March '12OC Mediation Conference 2012

5. PRIMARY FEARS DRIVING BEHAVIOR Fear of being wrong / being ignored Fear of losing / being inferior Fear of not being liked / being abandoned Fear of emotional discomfort / being dominated March '12 OC Mediation Conference 2012

6. Key Traits of High Conflict Personalities Borderline Narcissistic Fear of abandonment Idealistic Devaluation of others Impulsive behavior Suicidal behavior or threats Chronic emptiness Sudden, intense, extreme anger or change in mood Paranoia Lack of empathy Inflated sense of self- importance Demands special treatment Demands admiration Sense of entitlement Exploits relationship Envious Arrogant March '12OC Mediation Conference 2012

7. Key Traits of High Conflict Personalities Histrionic Anti-social Demanding of attention Inappropriately seductive or provocative Physical appearance draws attention Shifting & shallow emotions Dramatic, theatrical & exaggerated Suggestible Believes relationships are deeper than they are Repeated violation of social norms/laws Lying and conning Impulsive and fails to plan ahead Irritable & aggressive Reckless & Irresponsible Lack of remorse Onset of conduct disorder by Age 15 March '12OC Mediation Conference 2012

8. HCP CORE FEATURES Lack of self- awareness Lack of adaptation Why they are the way they are How they contribute to their own problems Or, how to change Aaron Beck (1990) Cognitive Therapy of Personality Disorders Behavior becomes rigidly patterned Social impairment evolves Rigid behavior evokes responses from others that “validate” their inflexible beliefs Efrain Bleiberg (2001) Treating Personality Disorders in Children & Adolescents March '12OC Mediation Conference 2012

9. High Conflict Behaviors Rigid & Uncompromising Difficulty accepting loss Difficulty healing from loss Emotions dominate thinking Inability to reflect on own behavior Difficulty empathizing with others Preoccupied with blaming others Avoids responsibility for the problem or the solution Depends on others to solve problems March '12OC Mediation Conference 2012

10. The Impact on Parenting Depends on child for secure relationship Sees child’s needs as same as parents Involves child in all disputes Lacks empathy for Child Children seen as either Allies or Enemies Wants Child to Testify against the other Projects negative qualities onto Child March '12 OC Mediation Conference 2012

11. The Impact of HCPs for Change The ability to regulate, self-direct and engage in self-awareness is impaired Literally unable to solve problems as others do Chronic, public and intense, facial expressions of fear and anger are readily observable March '12OC Mediation Conference 2012

12. Understand the Three-step Cycle of High Conflict Thinking Mistaken Assessment of Danger (M.A.D.) Internal distress that’s perceived as external danger E.g. being abandoned, treated inferior, ignored, dominated Behavior becomes Aggressively Defensive (B.A.D.) HCP “attacks” the perceived source of danger Negative Feedback HCPs perceive ANY feedback as negative HCP then escalates March '12OC Mediation Conference 2012 Bill Eddy, High Conflict Institute

13. Communication Strategies to Allow the Nervous System to Settle Down De-escalate Tone of Voice Plan ahead Empathize, don’t argue Acknowledge fears Demonstrate respect Adult Time-outs March '12OC Mediation Conference 2012

14. Listening using your E.A.R. Demonstrate Empathy Pay Attention Display Respect Recognize that it’s easy to become frustrated with their emotional sensitivity & cognitive distortions Recognize that it’s easy to get “emotionally hooked” & want to withhold positive responses Recognize that it’s easy to want revenge and attack or criticize in return Bill Eddy, High Conflict Institute March '12OC Mediation Conference 2012

15. USING the C.A.R.S. Approach Connect: Listen closely and respond with Empathy, Attention & Respect (E.A.R.) Analyze: Get the Client to make a list of problems/options and choose a task Respond: Be brief, informative, friendly and firm Set Limits: Don’t make it personal. Help client deal with policies and procedures. Use indirect confrontations. March '12OC Mediation Conference 2012 Bill Eddy, High Conflict Institute

16. Four Key Issues in Managing HCPs Bonding – this is a big issue for HCPs. Pay attention to your relationship – they seek a dependent relationship and agreement with their thinking through a secure relationship and intense emotions. Structure – acknowledge emotion and then focus on tasks. Emotional distresses dominate the HCP, making it hard to think clearly, but they can switch out of these feelings with help. Make lists, gather information, get external help, assign 2-3 things to get done before next meeting. Reality Testing - remain skeptical of the accuracy of their information given their cognitive distortions. Let the HCP know that you may never know the full story but that decisions can be made with what is known! Consequences - HCPs tend not to connect realistic CONSEQUENCES to their own ACTIONS…explore various outcomes, what if no agreement, build consequences into agreement, prepare for breach, address fear of loss. March '12OC Mediation Conference 2012

17. Ten TIPS for Managing HCPs Lower expectations for change Listen to highly insistent emotions (w/o getting hooked) Understand their logic is fear-based Focus on tasks Emphasize their strengths Reality Test Use indirect confrontations Educate about consequences Include a positive advocate Make recommendations Bill Eddy, High Conflict Institute March '12OC Mediation Conference 2012

18. What to do if you are “HOOKED” Take a deep breath…or a few Take an adult time-out Acknowledge their concerns…arrange to meet at another time to resume discussion Go to the balcony…get some perspective Reach back out…focus on behavior, not the person Use “I” language…not “You” language Remember…the “issue” is not the “issue”…the “issue” is the behavior being demonstrated March '12OC Mediation Conference 2012

19. Resources Eddy, William, http://www.highconflictinstitute.comhttp://www.highconflictinstitute.com Grant, B., et al, Journal of Clinical Psychiatry, 7/2004, 4/2008, 7/2008. Kvols, K.J. Redirecting Children’s Behavior McIntosh, J., et al, Family Court Review 1/2008. National Institute of Health (NIH), 2002 and 2008. National Institute on Alcohol Abuse & Alcoholism (NIAAA). March '12OC Mediation Conference 2012