1. Practical & Tactical Strategies for the Family Law Professional from a Coaching & Mediation Perspective EMOTIONALLY INTENSE RELATIONSHIPS OC Mediation Odyssey 2010 Garden Grove, CA March 19, 2010

2. How to Work with High Conflict Personalities Debra Dupree, MA, MFT #23250 Credentialed Mediator Certified Conflict Coach & High Conflict Diversion Trainer Certified New Ways for Families Therapist & Mediator Member, San Diego Superior Court Mediation Panel 1-800-743-1973 www.relationshipsthatmatter.com

3. The Conflict Continuum 1 – Avoid at all costs 10 – Bring it on ACTIVITY 3 5 = PC

4. Today’s Family Court Scene Taking a look at the numbers 3/19/2010 OC Mediation Odyssey 2010 4

5. Personality Disorders (PD) represent 21.51% of the general population in the United States! What does that mean? 1 out of every 5 of us have a diagnosable PD! Why do we care? Let’s take a look at the Prevalence of Personality Disorders… National Institute of Health and National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism’s Results From the Wave 2 National Epidemiologic Survey on Alcohol and Related Conditions (N=35,000, 2008. Journal of Clinical Psychiatry

6. The World of Divorce Today 3/19/2010 OC Mediation Odyssey 2010 6 20 – 30% of all divorces in the United States will become High-Conflict.* Total # of High-Conflict Divorces: (USA) * University of Utah study 2003 ** US Census

7. Breaking that down… 3/19/2010 OC Mediation Odyssey 2010 7

8. What’s happening locally San Diego County Around 18,000 divorce cases per year 52 mediators 4000-6000 HCP cases annually Orange County Around 18,000 divorce cases per year Higher incidence of HCPs given demographic variations 3/19/2010 OC Mediation Odyssey 2010 8 Our frequent flyers…time for a change!

9. What’s Different about the High Conflict or Emotionally Intense Personality? Key Characteristics 3/19/2010 OC Mediation Odyssey 2010 9

10. Personality disorders have substantial consequences for the probability and timing of marriage and probability of marital disruption. Understanding Personality Disorders & the HCP Whisman, M. A., Tolejko, N., & Chatav, Y. Social consequences of personality disorders: Probability and timing of marriage and probability of marital disruption

11. KEY FINDINGS Damage to the brain during childhood due to repeated exposure to abuse Corpus Callosum Wiring between Right & Left Hemispheres Amygdala Alarm Center, particularly to non-verbal behaviors Frontal Lobe Cognitive Reasoning Stuck in the upset emotions of the right hemisphere Unable to access the left hemisphere for problem solving to resolve negative emotions Distorted perceptions & expectations The “issue” is not the issue! 3/19/2010 OC Mediation Odyssey 2010 11

12. How Conflict Escalates? The “hotter” the hot button, the more likely it produces: Strong negative emotions Feelings of personal provocation Automatic and impulsive responding Increased tension

13. Perception of threat Anger Repetition Thoughts Feelings Fight Flight How Conflict Escalates The nature of conflict Acting out Behavior Managing Differences by Dr. Dan Dana

14. The Difference for HCPs The ability to regulate, self-direct and engage in self-awareness is impaired HCPs are literally unable to solve problems as other typically would Chronic, public and intense, facial expressions of fear and anger are readily observable 3/19/2010 OC Mediation Odyssey 2010 14

15. Understanding High Conflict Terminology What the words mean… 3/19/2010 OC Mediation Odyssey 2010 15

16. DSM-IV-TR 3/19/2010 OC Mediation Odyssey 2010 16 Ten Personality Disorders categorized in Four Clusters Narcissistic: extreme preoccupation with self, a disdain for others, and preoccupation with being treated superior Borderline: marked by extreme mood swings, fears of abandonment, frequent anger and manipulative behavior Antisocial: extreme disregard for the rules of society, little empathy, and a willingness to hurt others for personal gain Histrionic: emotionally intense, similar to Borderline but often with less anger and more drama; sometimes fabricates events

17. Understanding High Conflict 3/19/2010 OC Mediation Odyssey 2010 17 Stress Driven Continuum of behavior Wounds of early bonding and attachment Brain development Incapable of different behavior

18. Ethical Considerations The Family Court Professional - Judge - Attorney - Therapist - Mediator 3/19/2010 OC Mediation Odyssey 2010 18

19. 3/19/2010 OC Mediation Odyssey 2010 19 Fear plays a huge role Uncertainty about the Future Lack of boundaries Fear of Abandonment Sense of Shame The HCP’s Role

20. The Judge’s Role 3/19/2010 OC Mediation Odyssey 2010 20 Recognize the limitations of Co-Parenting in these types of cases Use of alternative parenting philosophies Parallel Parenting Need for creation of strong parenting plans Need for more extensive and trained mediation approaches Different use of Therapists Use as family therapist and parenting coordinator Training in different methods

21. The Attorney’s Role 3/19/2010 OC Mediation Odyssey 2010 21 Role of negative advocate Defending or attacking in declarations Need for greater understanding Lack of ability for self reflection Lack of ability to self regulate More room for process Need for greater structure Need for consequences Need for more direction Need for alternative approaches to custody issues Need for Interim Stipulations to maintain structure between meetings and consequences for breaking stipulations

22. The Therapist’s Role 3/19/2010 OC Mediation Odyssey 2010 22 Need for greater understanding of the family court system Early Identification of PD / HCP characteristics and symptoms Need for alternative approaches to intervention in custody issues

23. The Mediator’s Role Work hard at appearing neutral Have clients make all process decisions Ask “what do you think…” not “how do you feel…” Prepare for breach of agreements Avoid pressing them for agreement Let them decide if it’s not working 3/19/2010 OC Mediation Odyssey 2010 23

24. The Role of Financial Neutral Understanding the HCP’s core beliefs and how they pertain to financial aspects of the settlement negotiations. Borderline underlying issues of abandonment Money might symbolize a continued attachment to the other person, security Custody may relate to money or may be an emotional crutch for the BPD parent. 3/19/2010 OC Mediation Odyssey 2010 24

25. A SURPRISE!!! 3/19/2010 OC Mediation Odyssey 2010 25

26. Managing Emotional Intensity Core Physiological Processes 3/19/2010 OC Mediation Odyssey 2010 26

27. What we need to know… 3/19/2010 OC Mediation Odyssey 2010 27 Neurophysiology Fight/Flight sequence PTSD Cognitive intervention and education Techniques to intervene in sequence

29. Allow the Nervous System to Settle Down De-escalate Tone of Voice Plan ahead Empathize, don’t argue Acknowledge fears Demonstrate respect Time-outs 3/19/2010 OC Mediation Odyssey 2010 29

30. What we’ve learned… 3/19/2010 OC Mediation Odyssey 2010 30 Co-parenting exacerbates the problem & fuels the conflict Parallel Parenting is a better initial strategy Platform for disengagement from the conflict Address Safety Concerns Need for Mental Health Professional for children Stipulation for same without blaming

31. 3/19/2010 OC Mediation Odyssey 2010 31 Co-ParentingParallel Parenting  Child focused.  Adult focused.  Parents communicate regularly.  Parents communicate over emergencies.  Parents can communicate in person or over the phone.  Parents use email, text messaging, or a third party (attorney, mediator or mutually agreed person).  Major decisions about the child are discussed jointly.  Major decisions are “communicated” rather than discussed.  Parents work together as needed to resolve issues related to the child.  Households are separate. Each makes decisions about the child when s/he is in their household.  Parents work together in the best interest of the child.  Parents work separately for the best interests of the child.  Allows smooth transitions from one home to the other.  Culture changes for the child may be abrupt. Use the “transition tradition” to lower the abruptness.  Allows for schedule change – can be flexible and negotiable.  Written parenting plan or court decree is followed exactly. Parents need an external authority.  Parents may be able to discuss issues between other parent and child.  Each parent is responsible for own relationship with child. “I am sorry, this is Mom’s/Dad’s House, we have different rules”.

32. Tips & Tactics For the Family Court Professional 3/19/2010 OC Mediation Odyssey 2010 32

33. STRUCTURE 3/19/2010 OC Mediation Odyssey 2010 33

34. Establishing Boundaries 3/19/2010 OC Mediation Odyssey 2010 34 HCPs and Boundaries – Push-back (spike in conflict) Strategies – Reducing Contact The role of the nervous system in continuing conflict Stress reduction Disengagement – No face-to –face communication – No verbal contact » Nervous System Cycle (72 hrs)

35. Establishing Boundaries 3/19/2010 OC Mediation Odyssey 2010 35 Need for Iron-clad parenting plans Neutral Exchanges Fewer Exchanges (age appropriate) Fewer parent initiated phone calls Clear consequences

36. Parallel Parenting 3/19/2010 OC Mediation Odyssey 2010 36 Mom’s House/Dad’s House Parent/Child empowerment and education – Development of a comprehensive parenting plan Major components – Precise holiday, vacation and exchange structure – Component for dealing with future conflict (Mediation)

37. Parallel Parenting 3/19/2010 OC Mediation Odyssey 2010 37 Redirecting parental attention toward the children and away from the conflict. Future focused Solution oriented

38. KEY HCP SKILLS Connect: Listen closely and respond with Empathy, Attention & Respect Analyze: Get the Client to make a list of problems/optioins and choose a task Respond: Be brief, informative, friendly and firm Set Limits: Don’t make it personal. Help client deal with policies and procedures. Use indirect confrontations. 3/19/2010 OC Mediation Odyssey 2010 38

39. 3/19/2010 OC Mediation Odyssey 2010 39 Mediation Coaching Telephonic In-person Workshops On-line In-person http://www.highconflict.net http://www.highconflictinstitute.org

40. Debra Dupree Your Presenter www.relationshipsthatmatter.com 1-800-743-1973 1-619-417-9690 debradupree@ relationshipsthatmatter.com DEBRA DUPREE, founder of RELATIONSHIPS THAT MATTER, also established Vitali WORCS - Workplace Solutions in 1986, demonstrating early leadership in the application of conflict resolution strategies to workplace issues. RELATIONSHIPS THAT MATTERVitali WORCS - Workplace Solutions Debra thrives as a catalyst for communication, leadership, and problem-solving. She actively demonstrates collaboration through her work with numerous organizations. She demonstrates over 25 years of proven leadership and success in family therapy, employee relations, team building, leadership development and organizational change. She is a Certified Master Trainer for the Conflict Dynamics Profile and EDGE Systems certified leadership coach as well as a Certified Conflict Coach, Authorized New Ways for Families Therapist & Mediator, and High Conflict Diversion Program Workshop Leader & Trainer Debra possesses a Master's degree in Education - Counseling Psychology, University of California, Santa Barbara and Pre-doctoral training in Organizational Development & Disability Management, San Diego State University. She is licensed as a Marriage & Family Therapist. Debra's commitment focuses on relationships in all walks of life...the workplace, families and divorce, and business partnerships...seeking healthy alternatives to breakdowns in communication.

41. RESOURCES It’s All Your Fault, SPLITTING, High Conflict People in Legal Disputes by Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq. Mom’s House / Dad’s House By, Isolina Ricce, Ph.D. Redirecting Children’s Behavior by Kathryn Kvols Raising Self-reliant children in a Self-indulgent World by H. Stephen Glenn and Jane Nelson http://www.highconflict.net http://www.Highconflictinstitute.com 3/19/2010 OC Mediation Odyssey 2010 41