1. The OIF Alphabet Book
Illustrated by Mrs. Jones, 3rd Grade Class from Our Lady of Pain Parochial School

2. A is for Armor
These svelte warriors roll into battle using a mere 100 gallons to the mile. Don’t let the gay boots confuse you. They are killing machines. The boots help them hitch rides with wayward truck drivers when they run out of gas.

3. B is for Band
Sure she is a piccolo player first class and she weighs 90 pounds with battle rattle. Her weapon is loaded, is yours? How do you like that you combat arms staff beyotch?

4. C is for Cav Boots
I am not going to say that they are gay, but I think these were big with the ladies in the 70’s. Jedi Knights have also been known to wear them. I wish I was Cav so I could have cool boots.

5. D is for Desert Cav Boots
I am not going to say that they are gay, but a lot of gay guys wear them. In fact some were seen being worn by a guy in cutoff jean shorts and a wife beater t-shirt prancing around a gay pride parade on a cable news network. They do look comfortable though.

6. E is for Effects
You thought it was a planning methodology. It is really an OPSEC tool. When the insurgents read our classified documents they can’t figure out what the hell we are up too! Come to think of I have no idea either.

7. F is for Field Artillery
Once a band of ruffian stone hurlers feared by all. Now they need a job. They can be truck drivers, MPs, Infantrymen or whatever you need. They can also be very creative in coming up with new ideas (see the letter E).

8. G* is for gym
Most people don’t have time to go to the gym while deployed. Other people manage to pile on 75 lbs of “pure muscle” in a matter of two months, wow! Steroids make your package shrink and the ladies love that. Not that people do that. Think of it as a warning.
* G is also for gay. See the letters D and C.

9. H is for Helicopter
Helicopters are cool. They can fly really, really fast or stop and hover in place. They can hover over your trailer at midnight so that you can’t sleep. So remember helicopters are cool it’s the pilot that is the asshole.

10. I is for Ice Cream
I scream, you scream , we all scream for ice cream. Too bad three meals a day, two servings of ice cream and no time in the gym has added three inches to your waist line. How about you push that fat ass of yours away from the table and waddle to the gym. Put the Maxie Max bar down tubby.

11. J is for Jihad
Nothing says you love God like strapping a bomb on and killing a bunch of innocent people, WTF! Suicide bombers are only cool when they blow themselves up without hurting anybody else. So take your happy asses into the middle of the desert and Jihad amongst yourselves.

12. K is for Killeen
Killeen is the home of Fort Hood. It is a really, really nice place if you like pawn shops, liquor stores, tattoo parlors, dry cleaners or places to get gold teeth. What a great place to live. Do you want to live there? I sure as hell don’t.

13. L is for liquor
Nothing like a Jack and Coke after a long hard day. A nice cold beer can really make the day a whole lot better. Too bad there is a thing called General Order #1, that makes it illegal to drink, WTF!!!! No Beer for year! I hate this place.

14. M is for Martyr
The Jihad called them one and all. Kill the infidels. All were angry, frustrated and had only tried out their wares on donkeys and sheep. They were promised 72 virgins in paradise. Too bad donkeys and sheep don’t count. Now they are stuck with 72 other pissed off suicide bombers. Welcome to hell, beyotch!!!

15. N is for Non-Lethal Effects.
Non-lethal effects help win the war. They work in IO, PSYOP and other places. So what do an elephant, zebra, giraffe and the MND-B Dep G7 have in common? They are all leaf eaters.

16. O is for Osama Bin Ladin
Do you know where he is? We sure don’t. If you have any info please let the U.S. know. We would really like to shoot that SOB.

17. P is for pissed off.
This is “BOB,” he is a staff officer. He loves his girlfriend, car, home and stuff. He has been in Iraq in and is back for 06. So he never sees any of the things he loves. His job is very fulfilling. He makes slides and sits through stupid meetings all day. Can you guess how he feels? It could be worse. At least he has a bronze star.

18. Q is for quagmire.
We don’t literally walk into mud that sucks us into oblivion. In reality we conduct the military staff process. It may not get you killed, but it sure as hell will make you wish you were or maybe just stuck neck deep in a hopeless morass of bureaucracy.

19. R is for RIP / TOA
This is a happy time for everyone. The jaded and disgruntled people leave. The fresh motivated and delusional people show up. Don’t worry if you are leaving and haven’t enough time here. You should be back in 8 to 10 months. Don’t forget to wave goodbye to Iraq when you leave.

20. S is for safety
Your team is moving into position to take down the AIF safe house. There is barely any moon, it is overcast and there is little ambient light. You and your men own the night. You are a shadow. Thank goodness you have your reflective belt on in a combat zone. We wouldn’t want to stay hidden in the dark where the enemy can’t see us, now would we, WTF?!? Sometimes being safe means you have to be another S word…stupid.

21. T is for team
It is an Olympic year. Athletes from across the world will compete in a noble effort. All are part of a team. This skier is a part of a team. There are trainers, sponsors and friends all focused on the success of one goal, victory. I thought the army was like that until I got on staff. Now I know the truth. Stab that little bastard in the cubicle next to you in the back. Make them look bad and act like you like the. There is no I in team but there sure as hell is a me.

22. U is for Utopia
You could live in a mansion. That could be your double jointed Swedish masseuse supermodel girlfriend in the pool. Beer from your personally owned micro-brewery could sit in an ice cold keg by the pool with the aforementioned girlfriend. Then you could wake your happy ass up and remember that you are in Iraq. Utopia doesn’t exist dumb ass. Now shut up and row!

23. V is VBIED
This is Mustafa. He is a VBIED driver and an asshole. If you want to know why please see the letters J and M. The only good VBIED driver is one that blows up while sitting in his garage. VBIED drivers suck and nobody likes them.

24. W is for WTF!
Some people think that WTF means a bad thing. It means “golly gee what was I thinking?” This soldier that just got yelled at for having his watch cap on in 75 degree weather is thinking “golly gee what was I thinking when I put my watch cap on this morning!” He at least he has his safety belt on, good job!

25. X is for X-spray
Muhamed and Akmed worked very hard last night. They emplaced several IEDs, detonated one on a convoy and tried to go home. They didn’t look out of place in black along the side of the road at night. We probably would have let them go if it wasn’t for X-spray. Enjoy AG beyotches

26. Y is for Yo Yo!
You are probably wondering what a Yo Yo has to do with Satan and hell. Being a staff officer is a lot like being a Yo Yo and staff work is a lot like hell. So who could Satan be? Why do I smell brimestone?

27. Z is for Zarqawi
Sure he is a world famous terrorist leader that scares people. In reality he is a Jackass. If you have information on his whereabouts let us know. There are some nice young biker gang members in prison that would like to get to know him better. Enjoy the salad beyotch!