1. Separated Parents Information Programme Cafcass working with partner organisations

2. 2 Kids in the Middle Aims of the programme Can you make the decisions rather than the court? Relevant to most, many different experiences What we are not here to do What is expected of you? Listening Contributing Recognising what you are responsible for and can change SPIP is part of a process There are next steps that you can take, possibly out of court SPIP offers: Ideas, and signposts Encouragement and next steps How can we help you to make things better for your child?

3. 3 Group Contract R you are Responsible for how much you share E everyone’s Experience is unique and valued C what are the rules on Confidentiality? I speak only for yourself (using “I statements”) P we would like you to Participate, however if you feel uncomfortable please let the trainer know E all participants are Equally valuable S please put mobile phones on Silent

4. 4 The Separated Parents Information Programme is designed to help parents:  Become clear what their children need most from them, as children of separated parents  and, as part of this, to help them to:  Learn the fundamental principles of how to manage conflict and difficulties between themselves and their ex-partners  Including applying these principles by planning and imagining positive management behaviours Programme Aims

5. 5 Programme Overview 1.Looks at the journey you are on and caring for your children as separated parents 2.Focuses on what children feel and need. A DVD made by young people is shown ; you are encouraged to think about your strengths as a parent and how to build on them 3.Focuses on communication and managing conflict, helping you to learn new skills 4.Focuses on separation moving forward and next steps

6. 6 Did You Know? You are not alone:  One in four children live in lone parent families; One in ten children live in a step-family  More than 40% of marriages end in divorce  National Statistics, Social trends 36  More than one in four children will experience their parents’ divorce by the age of 16  Conflict= an important influence in number of adverse outcomes for children, including behavioural ones  Divorce & Separation Outcomes for Children Joseph Rowntree Foundation

7. 7 The Separated Parenting Process  There are many different aspects to breaking up. Here are some of them:  Legal  Financial And we focus on:  Emotional  Parenting

8. 8 Your Parenting Separation  Even though you are no longer partners, you are still parents  Children can cope well when their parents divorce or separate if there is low conflict and they have access to both parents and extended family  Your parenting relationship continues even though your relationship as partners stops

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10. 10 A “Highway Code”  As you go through this programme you’ll find various ideas that can make a difference to your children’s life. The most important of these are:  Try not to fight in front of the children or ask them to choose sides  Accept that your children may have different feelings to yours  Think about what you can do, not what your ex-partner should or shouldn’t do  Focus on what has worked, not on what hasn’t worked  Remember, small steps can lead to big changes  Look after yourself and be the best parent you can be

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12. 12 Angry Jealous Guilty Distressed Sad Depressed Rejected Hurt Powerless Safe Calm Relieved Hopeful Accepting Happy Disbelief Shocked Surprised Frustrated Confused Anxious Lonely Afraid Scared Worried Stressed Insecure Feelings and Emotions: Both Children and Parents

13. 13 What Children Need when Parents Separate  To be told what’s happening and how their lives will change  To know that it is not their fault  To know that it’s OK to feel angry and sad  To know that it’s fine to talk and ask questions  To be listened to  To know that their parents understand how they feel and still love them  To feel OK about loving both parents  To know that it’s all right to have different family rules in different houses

14. 14 More of What Children Need When Parents Separate  To be allowed to distance themselves from their parents’ conflict  To have a predictable routine with consistent boundaries  To know that they have two homes where they belong  To be able to stay in contact with extended family like grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins  To have access to other types of support if they want it  Have hope for the future  Above all - to be allowed to be children

15. 15 What Children Don’t Need Post Separation  To hear or see their parents complaining about or blaming each other  To hear criticisms or negative comments about either parent  Adult information about the reasons for the divorce or details about child support  To feel that they may be asked to choose one parent over the other  To pass messages from one parent to the other  To feel like an outsider in one parent’s home

16.  Stay Calm  Listen  See it Differently  Speak for Myself  Be clear, stick to the points and the rules  Negotiate  Work it out Getting it Right for Children When Parents Part

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18. 18 Stay Calm  Managing Yourself Techniques:  You can keep difficult conversations from becoming heated by focusing on practical matters  Reduce your stress levels by noting and checking your body and stay calm by:  Relaxing your shoulders,  Breathing through your diaphragm, rather than shallowly through your chest:  Taking deep breaths and deliberately breathing more slowly  These techniques can help to change the stress chemicals that your body makes and can help you to feel calmer

19. 19 Stay Calm – Time Out  Take a small time-out :  When you are stressed you can’t think clearly  Taking a time out – even in small ‘bite-sized’ bit, like pausing, while you relax through deep breathing, will help you to think more clearly  Take a big time-out:  When things begin to get heated, don’t wait for the other person to calm down, do suggest a break or a time-out  If you both can’t calm down by taking a ‘small time-out’ do suggest :  You stop the discussion  That you will find a later, better time for it, if possible in a neutral place that is away from the children

20. 20 Listen – See it Differently  Active Listening means:  Trying to focus, so your attention isn’t divided  Taking your turn to talk after you’ve listened: you are more likely to be listened to if you’ve listened well yourself  When you are talking you’re not listening – you can’t do both at once!  Leave pauses: don’t jump into the space  See it Differently  Be curious as you might be surprised or wrong about what you expect to hear

21. 21 Speak for Myself  Respond in a non-confrontational way:  Speak for Yourself: (using “I statements”)  Say things in a way that focuses on what you think or feel, rather than what you assume or ‘know’ the other person thinks or feels!  For example:  “I feel angry when you ask me about my money in front of the children”  rather than  “You always try to stir things up by asking about money. You know I hate it!”

22. 22 Be Clear, Stick to the Point, Stick to the Rules  Make requests simple and clear  Observe simple rules of courtesy (‘business-like” )  Stick to one subject  Identify your single most important point or request. Stick to that one: take things one-at-a-time  Sit on the urge to interrupt: take deep breaths and bite your tongue!  Avoid speaking too soon, too often or for too long: keep things short and simple  Take deep breaths to pause so that you can do this

23. 23 Negotiate - Work it Out  You might hope that the other person will come round to your way of thinking but get stuck, if this happens:  Take a time-out:  Take a deep breath, stop, and think:  “What one simple thing can I do myself”?  Then:  Phrase it as an offer:  eg, “I can check with the school for you to see if they have your new email”  Remember to return to the ‘rules of courtesy”

24. 24 Tips for Contact  Children should feel that they have a home with both parents, regardless of the amount of time they spend with them  Expect resistance from children as they adjust  Avoid using children as messengers or go betweens  Try not to criticise, find fault, or compare the two homes

25. 25 Further Tips for Contact  Develop a practical, “business-like” relationship with the other parent: one centred around being able to negotiate with each other for the best interests of the children  Wherever possible take a flexible and willing to compromise stance  Don’t discuss things that might lead to an argument in front of the children: agree to take it up elsewhere and another time  Use safeguards if you are concerned about conflict during the handover  Remember that the parent who has residence is likely to experience different feelings to the other parent

26. 26 Tips for Dealing with Difficult Conversations  Even if your ex-partner is not co-operative, keep to practicalities and courtesy  Focus on what you can control --not on the things you can’t, and your ex is one of those things  Learn how to stay calm: self-regulate, manage your feelings and not behave reactively  Try to think of things from your children’s perspective  Ask yourself: “What difference will this make in a year’s time?”  Try not to get into arguments about what “really happened”: remember that people will always experience things differently

27. 27 Your Emotional Separation  When you separate you are likely to experience feelings of loss  Your feelings can be unpredictable and it can seem like you’re on a roller-coaster  Both parents and children need time to adjust to how life has changed

28. 28 Emotions  Even though it is a personal experience and everyone responds differently:  You are likely to undergo the ‘loss cycle’  You don’t necessarily go through the stages in order  It’s possible to feel the whole range of emotions in the space of 10 minutes!  The stages of loss are:  Denial – Anger – Bargaining – Depression - Acceptance

29. 29 The Loss Cycle Anger It’s their fault! Energy levels rise Denial Shock Bargaining Why me? Guilt, Shame, It’s my fault Energy levels start to drop Depression What’s the point? Despair, Apathy, Sleeplessness energy levels at their lowest point Acceptance Moving forward, hope for the future More energy Sleeping better Energy levels rise TIME

30. 30 Taking Care of Yourself  The best thing you can do for your children is to take care of yourself; by taking steps forward for yourself you will be helping your children as well  Do things that are just for you – nurture yourself, visit friends, read, etc.  Eat properly and get enough sleep & exercise  Try to limit the emotional energy you give to the conflict  Express your feelings by talking to a friend or counsellor, release the tension by taking physical exercise  Although separating is a painful process for both parents and children, remember, things change with time

31. 31 Taking care of yourself (2)  Consider counselling if you feel “stuck” at one of the loss stages, as it:  Can help you untangle conflicting emotions  Can support you through a time of change  Allows you to express your feelings  Can help children to express their feelings and feel supported

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34. 34 Family Mediation, an Alternative to Court  What is Family Mediation?  Mediation helps parents to plan how they will bring up their children  The focus is on helping you look at workable solutions for the future  It can help you to improve communication as parents  In mediation the needs of the whole family are considered  A mediator helps you come to an agreement without being on anyone’s side

35. 35 Kids in the Middle Thank you for participating! What can you change? Listen – especially to your child Start to work together as parents Think about: Looking at the Parenting Connection training Looking at a Parenting Agreement Getting more help Not going back to court What can you do next to make things better for your child?

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