2. TOPIC SENTENCE: what is the paragraph about? Roger’s murder of Piggy clearly illustrates the depths children can sink to without appropriate supervision. THESIS STATEMENT: what is the ENTIRE ESSAY about? The novel, Lord of the Flies, by William Golding depicts how a group of boys become savages when the mores of civilization are absent.

3. PARTS OF A PARAGRAPH TOPIC SENTENCE: EXPLAIN/INTRODUCE DETAILS GIVE DETAILS EXPLAIN DETAILS (COMMENTARY) Roger’s murder of Piggy clearly illustrates the depths children can sink to without appropriate supervision. As he stood high above Piggy on the mountain, “Roger, with a sense of delirious abandonment, leaned all his weight on the lever” (Golding 180). His willingness to welcome the moment with “delirious abandonment” clearly demonstrates the level of pleasure that Roger received by committing this horrific act.

4. Serious room for improvement: William Golding’s book Lord of the Flies is about kids stranded on an island. Some of the kids are good and some are bad. “Roger, with a sense of delirious abandonment, leaned all his weight on the lever” (Golding 180). So I ask you, what causes irresponsible behavior? Ralph is good, but Jack is bad. -SIMPLE LANGUAGE -QUOTE NOT SET UP OR INTRODUCED YOU -COMMENTARY DOES NOT EXPLAIN QUOTE -COMMENTARY VERY SIMPLE GRADE = F

5. There are bad kids on the island. One of them is Roger. He drops a boulder on Piggy and kills him. “Roger, with a sense of delirious abandonment, leaned all his weight on the lever” (Golding 180). This caused Piggy’s death. SIMPLE TOPIC SENTENCE VAGUE INTODUCTION OF QUOTE NO EXPLANATION OF QUOTE GRADE= D/C-

6. The truest form of wickedness on the island is evident in Roger. He demonstrates his true depravity when, “with a sense of delirious abandonment, [he] leaned all his weight on the lever” (Golding 180). Well aware of Piggy’s place beneath him, Roger willingly takes Piggy’s life. GOOD TOPIC SENTENCE SET UP COULD BE STRONGER quote part of a sentence/woven in GOOD COMMENTARY GRADE: b

7. Roger’s murder of Piggy clearly illustrates the depths children can sink to without appropriate supervision. As he stands high above Piggy on the mountain, “Roger, with a sense of delirious abandonment” pushes a large boulder over the edge, killing Piggy (Golding 180). His willingness to welcome the moment with “delirious abandonment” clearly demonstrates the level of pleasure that Roger received by committing this horrific act. Would Roger have committed murder if adults were present? Probably not. GREAT TOPIC SENTENCE SET UP OF QUOTE SETS THE SCENE COMMENTARY EXCELLENT/ ADDRESS SPECIFIC WORD CHOICE OF AUTHOR grade= A

8. Style Matters! If more than half of your sentences begin with the subject, rewrite them in a way that varies the beginning. Hemingway does not use much description. Description is rare in Hemingway’s stories. (better)

9. Style Matters! Vary sentence length: follow a long sentence with a short one Don’t use too many to be verbs (is, am, are, was, were, be, being, been). Use action verbs –Hemingway’s short stories are more compact than Poe’s –Hemingway’s compact style contrasts with Poe’s wordiness. (better)

10. Transitions Avoid basic transitions: –First of all, second of all, finally CONNECT ideas: The boys on the island move from simple acts of cruelty to physical violence Hemingway’s writing not only uses simple descriptions, but simple dialogue as well. Saving lives is an obvious reason to raise the driving age, but the benefits go beyond that...

11. Recycle bin (things to get rid of) it with no antecedent -In “Cat in the Rain” it shows a woman who feels unloved. -The story, “Cat in the Rain,” shows a woman who feels unloved. (better) -It is clear that Poe’s stories are more complex. -Poe’s stories are more complex. (better)

12. Recycle bin (things to get rid of) this or that used without a noun –Poe uses alliteration, assonance and internal rhyme in “The Raven.” This shows that sound is important to Poe’s poetry. –Poe’s use of alliteration, assonance and internal rhyme shows the importance of sound to his work. (better)

13. Style Matters- Don’t be afraid of: parallel construction : - Hemingway’s women are sometimes domineering, sometimes submissive while Poe’s women are sometimes angelic and sometimes aloof. -The Hemingway man is masculine, brave, and domineering while the Poe man is feminine, cravenly, and submissive. semicolons -Poe rarely uses symbolism, and when he does, it is very simple. -Poe rarely uses symbolism; when he does use symbolism, it is simple

14. Recycle bin (things to get rid of) which clauses -In contrast, Hemingway frequently uses symbolism which is complex -In contrast, Hemingway frequently uses complex symbolism. there is or there are -There are several Hemingway stories that show how men and women cannot communicate. -Several of Hemingway’s stories demonstrate how men and women cannot communicate. (better)

15. Citations One Author: in text (Author’s Last Name page number) example: (Kowalski 18) Works cited page Author last name, First name Middle initial. Book Title. City of publication: Publisher’s name, Most recent year of publication. web : (Author’s Last Name paragraph number)

16. Just Don’t! Use slang: “She put up with so much” OR informal words (get, ain’t) Use YOU Refer to the author by only his first name (full name, then last name) Use texting language (b/c) Confuse: there/their/they’re, to/too/two, lose/loose, etc. Put quotation marks around the title of a novel Use Sentence fragments Mix up WELL vs. GOOD write ONE or TWO SENTENCE PARAGRAPHS Be vague (sometimes, perhaps, something, someone) Write in past tense: Catherine was in love with Frederick should be Catherine is in love with Frederick

17. PEER EDITING Does the essay have five paragraphs? Does each paragraph have at least 5 sentences? Are all the paragraphs around the same size? Is the title(s) of the work(s) and author(s) name in the first paragraph? Is the thesis clearly stated in paragraph one? Is there a transitional word or phrase beginning each body paragraph? (see chart) Is there at least one SPECIFIC detail in each paragraph? Does each body paragraph have a topic sentence? Does each body paragraph have a quote from the novel or story? Does each body paragraph set up the quote? Does each body paragraph explain the importance of the quote? Are all direct quotes in the middle of paragraphs? Are they cited? “ ”(author page). Is the essay written in present tense?

18. CIRCLE THE FOLLOWING: YOU Would be (Beth would be talking to Conrad should be Beth is talking to Conrad) CONTRACTIONS I, ME, MY MY PAPER, MY ESSAY, my examples/ this quote proves/shows... In my opinion, I think, I believe SLANG WORDS Check: Than/then There, their, they’re Write in present tense