1. www.nsw.relationships.com.au How to help your client to relinquish the need to be right FRSA Conference 2014 Bill Hewlett Clinical Services Specialist, Post-Separation Practice Relationships Australia NSW

2. www.nsw.relationships.com.au “It is rare to find a child who is able to be still and centered and feel safe in the presence of chaotic adults.” Winnecotte 1962 Good enough parenting

3. www.nsw.relationships.com.au Children and wellbeing “Around 25% of children whose parents separate will experience mental health issues (compared with 12% from families that never separate).” Sawyer et al, 2000; Kelly and Emery, 2003; McIntosh, Wells & Long 2007

4. www.nsw.relationships.com.au Attachment Theory “What we get exclusively from the family is love, and the capacity to form intimate attachments... Emotional security does not lead inexorably to good character or good citizenship, but insecurity interferes with the formation of every social connection… It increases the chance that we will react to others with avoidance, fear, anger and hostility.” Rosenblum, 1995

5. www.nsw.relationships.com.au “One of the consequences of poor attachment, is that there seems to be less space or spare mental capacity for accessing emotional and cognitive information about relationships.” Rudi Dallos www.storyofneo.com.au Attachment Theory

6. www.nsw.relationships.com.au A child has a relationship with the parent’s relationship. www.storyofneo.com.au Attachment Theory

7. www.nsw.relationships.com.au Neurobiology “Our focus as children, on our short term survival, has superseded attention to all long term maintenance. This is akin to burning the furniture to survive a freezing winter.” Louis Cozolino “It is important to understand that the brain altered in destructive ways by neglect and trauma can also be altered in reparative, healing ways.” Bruce Perry

8. www.nsw.relationships.com.au It is less painful to remember something happening even if it is terrible, than to remember nothing happening when you needed someone to be with you. We are all a product of our environment

9. www.nsw.relationships.com.au “To the child… traumas are not experienced as events in life, but as life defining.” Christopher Bollas Trauma

10. www.nsw.relationships.com.au “Unfortunately evolution has not seen fit to invest much neural circuitry into self-awareness.” Louis Cozolino www.storyofneo.com.au Evolutionary theory

11. www.nsw.relationships.com.au The Social brain, given the opportunity, is always happy to help resolve a distressing relational situation, willingly providing data for insight and reflection. Cortico-Hippocampal help

12. www.nsw.relationships.com.au Facilitating the creation of neural pathways Not enough stress Too much stress Ideal learning environment

13. www.nsw.relationships.com.au Key structures of the brain impacted by trauma

14. www.nsw.relationships.com.au Top down self calming

15. www.nsw.relationships.com.au Top down self calming

16. www.nsw.relationships.com.au Fast and slow circuits

17. www.nsw.relationships.com.au ‘J’ Curve

18. www.nsw.relationships.com.au The ‘J Curve’ Model Dumb and curious form of enquiry to elicit information of intent, impact and effect on others. AAttunement EEngagement and Empathy IIntent and Impact OWhat do others see? UWhat else could you do?

19. www.nsw.relationships.com.au Contact us Relationships Australia NSW www.nsw.relationships.com.au Australian Institute of Relationship Studies (AIRS) Training and Research Division www.airs.edu.au The Story of Neo www.storyofneo.com.au Bill Hewlett billh@ransw.org.au © Relationships Australia NSW 2014