1. Sex and Healthy Relationships

2. Kids Today… Know more about sex before we think they do
Get their information about sex from their friends, friend’s older siblings, and media (Internet, TV, movies)
Are dealing with more public relationships and breakups than generations past
Do not operate under the same gender roles. Females are often initiating sexual activity.
Want their information from YOU!
The 4th result on a YouTube search for “sex” is a video called “how to have sex at school”. Looks like it’s probably a parody, but this sort of information IS on the internet.

3. Facts and Stats 10% of sixth graders have had sex
50% of all teenagers have had sex by the time they enter the 10th grade
70-90% of teens have had sex by 12th grade
One in every five teenage girls will become pregnant during high school
Half of all teenagers don't believe oral sex is sex

4. Oral Sex Kids tend to not think this is sex
Almost exclusively girls performing on boys, almost never vice-versa
STIs can be transmitted through oral sex, not as safe as kids think it is
Puts girls in a demeaning position

5. What are they doing? “Hooking up” Oral sex Intercourse
Anything in between
It is important for you as a family to develop a definition of sex and to develop an understanding of acceptable and unacceptable behavior
Hooking up is a hard to define term that can mean anything from kissing to intercourse
More on oral sex next slide
Kids want to know what they are allowed to do.

6. Non-traditional Relationships
Roughly 1 in 20 of our youth self identify as other than heterosexual
According to the CDC, these youths are 3-4 times more likely to attempt suicide than their peers
Each incident of physical or verbal harassment or abuse increases the likelihood of self-harm behavior by 2.5 times on average
As parents and educators we have a duty to reflect compassion, tolerance, and acceptance of youths in our community.
If your child or someone you know is struggling in their identity or relationships your tolerant attitude will make you the one they go to for guidance
Are all healthy sexual relations we talk about today heterosexual?
Should we make that assumption when we talk to our children. 42 years ago the American Psychiatric  Association removed homosexuality as a diagnostic category. Healthy conversations with our teens should include these topics. To not do so promotes intolerance and injustice and models those attitudes to our children. It also promotes shame in our LGBTQ children.
[1] B. Reis and E. Saewyc, Eighty-Three Thousand Youth: Selected Findings of Eight Population-based Studies as They Pertain to Anti-Gay Harassment and the Safety and Well-being of Sexual Minority Students (Seattle, WA: Safe Schools Coalition of Washington, 1999).
[2] (2011). Sexual Id Health-Risk Behaviors Among udents in Grades 9-12: Youth Risk Behavior Surveillance. Atlanta, GA: U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.
[3] IMPACT. (2010). Mental health disorders, psychological distress, and suicidality in a diverse sample of lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender youths. American Journal of Public Health. 100(12),

7. What Choices Believes
Experimentation with some physical relationships is a healthy and normal part of a teen’s adolescence.
We define “sex” as intercourse or oral sex.
We believe that high school students should not engage in sex – especially in their earlier high school years – both from a moral and an emotional immaturity standpoint.
Not everyone is “doing it” and we believe it is necessary to explain your beliefs to your sons and daughters.
Open communication and clear sharing of moral values is the only way to encourage healthy relationships amongst our teens.

8. Physiologically Dopamine Oxytocin
Males and females experience a 150% increase in dopamine during sex
This is the same neurotransmitter involved with drug addiction
Oxytocin
Released in females during breastfeeding and childbirth, causes mother to attach to child
Also released during sex, causing a biological attachment to sexual partner
Males “imprint” like ducklings, so the first time they have sex is what they associate with sex and what they will seek out again. So if the first time is in a risky situation like in the back of a car, they’ll seek that out again. If it’s in a committed and mature relationship, they will seek that out again.

9. The link between sex and alcohol
When under the influence of alcohol, the frontal lobe is not functioning at it’s highest level. Executive functioning skills like judgment and decision making go out the window. What about other drugs?

10. What decreases the likelihood my kid will have sex?
Being sober
Involvement in school activities
Connectedness with family
Boundaries

11. The Dos and Don’ts DO! DON’T!
Openly communicate your beliefs, values and expectations
Start early!
Establish standards of acceptable sexual behavior
Talk to them about love and sex
Spend time with your kids!
Help your child be confident in who they are and the choices they make.
Make assumptions
Lecture, interrupt or give advice
Think they already know it all
Think they are learning it in school or from their friends
Let them date anyone 3 years older
Subscribe to the saying, “Boys will be boys.”

12. What if you find condoms?
“Whatever reason you have them, if you are thinking about being sexually active or if you already are then it’s time to see a gynecologist and get a checkup. If you’re responsible enough to be sexually active, then there should be no problem going to the doctor. And I want to be clear that I don’t believe someone your age should be having sex, but if you are, then we need to sit down and go over what I feel you need to know about sexual responsibility.” I

13. Discuss with your kids:
How well do you have to know someone before you do something sexual with them?
How do you define knowing someone well?
What do you feel comfortable doing with someone sexually?
What do you not want to do?
How can you communicate that to the person you are with?
What would make it more difficult for you to say what you want and don’t want?
Is this too uncomfortable for you?

14. Dads!!!
When your daughter starts to like boys, you have a crucial opportunity to reach out to her.
Tell her what confused you about girls and how you figured things out.
Invite her to ask questions about what a boy might be thinking.
Tell her how you believe women should be treated by men. Model that behavior.

15. Parable of the Prodigal Son
Spiritually
Parable of the Prodigal Son

16. Boundaries, Boundaries, Boundaries
Your role as a parent is to communicate your values and ethics on the subject, help your child clarify his or her own, and teach him or her how to communicate his or her boundaries to others and act on those principles.
Girls often say no while kissing, and the boys may understandably be confused by the mixed message and keep going.

17. Bill of Rights – Friends
What does he/she want and need in a friendship?
What are his/her rights in a friendship?
What are his/her responsibilities in a friendship?
What would a friend have to do or be like for him/her to end the friendship?
Under what circumstances would he/she go to an adult for help with a problem with a friend?
What are his/her friends’ rights and responsibilities in the friendship?
Draft this with your child, and draft something asking the same questions about relationships. This is a simple way to discuss values with your child and to help them develop their own code. When your child has problems with a friend or boyfriend/girlfriend, refer to the bill of rights and ask why they are making exceptions for this person. Also, you may notice that your child has a more lenient bill of rights for a relationship than a friendship, especially if they are already dating. Ask why!

18. Teen Safety Plan I will not go out alone, especially at night.
I will keep my cell phone with me and program it with emergency numbers.
I will use a code word or phrase to use with friends and family to alert each other if I am in danger and need help.
I will keep in touch with someone I trust about where I am or what I am doing.
I will be aware of how to leave safely in case of emergency.
I will leave if I feel uncomfortable, no matter what my friends are doing.
I will ask my friends to keep their cell phones with them in case we get separated.
I will spend time with people who make me feel safe, supported, and good about myself.
I will call 911 if I feel my safety is at risk.
Another thing to draft with the help of your child – do this together so that your child owns it!

19. References UT Health Science Center Queen Bees and Wannabes SexEd
Queen Bees and Wannabes
Rosalind Wiseman
SexEd
A sexual health primer for teens and young adults
Dr. Phil