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Top 10 Puns (Part 1) 1.A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion.

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Presentation on theme: "Top 10 Puns (Part 1) 1.A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion."— Presentation transcript:

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3 Top 10 Puns (Part 1) 1.A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.“ 2.Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam"! 3.Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank,proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. 4.Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive.“ 5.Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

4 Top 10 Puns (Part 2) 6.A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer." 7.A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.“

5 Top 10 Puns (Part 3) 8.These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. A rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. So he hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars. 9.Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him … A supercalloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. 10.And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did!

6 Celebrity Wisdom "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign. "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward. "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC. "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

7 Heard in the Court Room Q: What is your date of birth? A: July 15. Q: What year? A: Every year. Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten? from a book called “Disorder in the American Courts”

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9 Quotes from Church bulletins I Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa. The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus." Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you. Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

10 Quotes from Church bulletins II For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy." Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

11 Quotes from Church bulletins III Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch. The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

12 Quotes from Church bulletins IV The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours!”

13 GEORGE CARLIN STRIKES AGAIN (the cleaned up version) Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it? Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack? If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in... what happens to the other penny?

14 From the Horrible Pun department: At Heathrow Airport London today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator. Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious "Al-Gebra" movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

15 Southerners Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them. Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess." Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder." Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is -- as in: "Goin’ to town, be back directly." Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.

16 More Gems Heard in the Court Room Q: How old is your son, the one living with you? A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years. Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?“ Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan. Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy. from a book called “Disorder in the American Courts”

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18 Why did the Chicken Cross the Road? GEORGE W. BUSH We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here. AL GORE I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people. COLIN POWELL Now at the left of the screen, you clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road. HANZ BLIX We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the other side of the road.

19 Why did the Chicken Cross the Road II? MOHAMMED ALDOURI (Iraq ambassador) The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We don't even have a chicken. SADDAM HUSSEIN This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it. RALPH NADER The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV. MARTHA STEWART No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any inside information.

20 Why did the Chicken Cross the Road III? DR. SEUSS Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, The chicken crossed the road, But why it crossed, I've not been told! ERNEST HEMINGWAY To die. In the rain. Alone. MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR. I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. GRANDPA In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us. BARBARA WALTERS Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.

21 Why did the Chicken Cross the Road IV? CAPTAIN KIRK To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. BILL GATES I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of the Chicken. ALBERT EINSTEIN Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken? BILL CLINTON I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please? COLONEL SANDERS I missed one?

22 More Gems Heard in the Court Room Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult? A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo. Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? A: Did you actually pass the bar exam? Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? from a book called “Disorder in the American Courts”

23 Colin Powell Quote When in England at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of empire building by George Bush. He answered, "Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return." It became very quiet in the room. When in England at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of empire building by George Bush. He answered, "Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return." It became very quiet in the room.

24 Haiku Poetry Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams. A file that big? It might be very useful. But now it is gone. The Web site you seek Can not be located but Countless more exist. Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return. Salon magazine (http://www/salon.com) ran a competition to replace the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with Japanese haiku poetry. Each only 17 syllables. Ingenious!

25 New Concept of Capitalism

26 More about Southerners All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well. Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20. Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.. No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn. A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.

27 About Audiences The play was a success, but the audience was a failure – William Collier If all the world is a stage, and men and women merely players, where is the audience to come from? The best audience a lecturer can have is one that is polite enough to cover their mouths when they yawn. The man who is head and shoulders above the rest is sure to be sitting in front of you in the theater. The important thing is not that money talks, but that it has the largest listening audience. From “20,000 Quips and Quotes” by Evan Esar

28 More Gems Heard in the Court Room Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he Q: Were you present when your picture was taken? Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: And what were you doing at that time? Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls? Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated? from a book called “Disorder in the American Courts”

29 Automation If automation keeps up, man will atrophy all his limbs but the push-button finger. Man first makes the machine necessary, and then the machine makes man unnecessary. Pessimists have already begun to worry about what is going to replace automation. Automation is a process of producing cheaply and quickly more of the things we already have too much of. Automation seems to be replacing men and women of all kinds, but it will never replace the taxpayer. From “20,000 Quips and Quotes” by Evan Esar

30 More Haiku Poetry Three things are certain: Death, taxes, and lost data. Guess which has occurred. I'm sorry, there's -- um -- insufficient -- what's-it-called? The term eludes me... Seeing my great fault Through darkening blue windows I begin again Printer not ready. Could be a fatal error. Have a pen handy? Salon magazine (http://www/salon.com) ran a competition to replace the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with Japanese haiku poetry. Each only 17 syllables. Ingenious!

31 Yet More Haiku Poetry The code was willing, It considered your request, But the chips were weak. Errors have occurred. We won't tell you where or why. Lazy programmers. Login incorrect. Only perfect spellers may enter this system. This site has been moved. We'd tell you where, but then we'd have to delete you. Salon magazine (http://www/salon.com) ran a competition to replace the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with Japanese haiku poetry. Each only 17 syllables. Ingenious!

32 This and That Life is a journey where you are always getting out of one difficulty and finding yourself in another. Some men make difficulties, and difficulties make some men. Don’t waste time collecting other peoples’ autographs; rather, devote it to making your own autograph worth collecting. If there’s a job to be done, select a busy man; the other kind has no time. There is no one less candid than a candidate. Some cannibals take missionaries seriously; others take them with a grain of salt. From “20,000 Quips and Quotes” by Evan Esar

33 Capital Punishment If you advocate the abolition of capital punishment, remember that you have all the murderers on your side. The man who doesn’t believe in capital punishment has probably never tried it. Mankind can be divided in many ways; the guillotine divides it in two: heads and bodies. From “20,000 Quips and Quotes” by Evan Esar

34 More Gems Heard in the Court Room Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female? Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral. from a book called “Disorder in the American Courts”

35 Courage The bitter part of discretion is valor. Courage is almost a contradiction in terms: it means a strong desire to live taking the form of a readiness to die. Courage is looking a salesperson in the eye and saying you’d like to see something cheaper. Sometimes it takes less courage to die for a woman than to live with her. Everyone is in awe of a lion tamer in a cage with a half dozen lions – everyone but a school bus driver. A man has to have a lot of courage to admit that he hasn’t any. From “20,000 Quips and Quotes” by Evan Esar

36 More Celebrity Wisdom "We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Al Gore, VP "Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."--Keppel Enderbery "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.“ -- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Al Gore, Vice President

37 Past, Present and Future The trouble with our times is that the future isn’t what it used to be. There is no time like the present – except the last two thousand years and the next ten. The present is the period when the future pauses for a short time before it becomes the past. Experience is what we possess in the present to keep us from repeating the past in the future. The present generation is lucky: everything that is wrong is due to the previous generation and will have to be paid for by the next generation. You cannot change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying about the future. From “20,000 Quips and Quotes” by Evan Esar

38 On Happiness I was happy as a child with my toys in my nursery. I have been happier every year since I became a man. But this interlude of school makes a sombre grey patch upon the chart of my journey. Sir Winston Churchill: “My Early Life”

39 GEORGE CARLIN STRIKES AGAIN (the cleaned up version) Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with? Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites? Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one? "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

40 Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn The bandage was wound around the wound. The farm was used to produce produce. (You may get an error here on your grammar check, it's even confused) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse. We must polish the Polish furniture. He could lead if he would get the lead out. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

41 On Creative Exam Grading I wrote my name at the top of the page. I wrote down the number of the question ‘1.’ After much reflection, I put a bracket around it thus ‘(1).’ But thereafter I could not think of anything connected with it that was either relevant or true... It was from these slender indications that [the Headmaster of Harrow] drew the conclusion that I was worthy to pass into Harrow. It was very much to his credit. Sir Winston Churchill: “My Early Life”

42 More Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. (another grammar check) I did not object to the object. The insurance was invalid for the invalid. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. They were too close to the door to close it. The buck does funny things when the does are present. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

43 More about Southerners Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines. We don't do "queues," we do "lines" and when we're "in line," we talk to everybody! Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage. Southerners never refer to one person as "ya'll." Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them. Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food. When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!

44 On Attitude It [school] was an unending spell of worries that did not seem petty, and of toil uncheered by fruition; a time of discomfort, restriction and purposeless monotony. Sir Winston Churchill: “My Early Life”

45 The ultimate in stealth technology

46 On Paternal Respect For years I thought my father with his experience and flair had discerned in me the qualities of military genius. But I was later told that he had only come to the conclusion that I was not clever enough to go to the Bar [be a lawyer]. Sir Winston Churchill: “My Early Life”

47 George Carlin at his finest? 1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. 2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor 3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? 5. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

48 More Gems Heard in the Court Room Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere. from a book called “Disorder in the American Courts”

49 On US Support Twice the United States has had to send several million of its young men across the Atlantic to find the war; but now war can find any nation, wherever it may dwell, between dusk an dawn. Sir Winston Churchill: “Fulton, MI 5 March 1946

50 The Joys of Air Travel Pilot-"Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the aerodynamics." After landing: “Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.” From a Southwest Airlines employee.... “Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.” After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.”

51 OK, back to George Carlin Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign? Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? What was the best thing before sliced bread?

52 On Joint Leadership You may take the most gallant sailor, the most intrepid airman, or the most audacious soldier, put them at a table together - what do you get? The sum of their fears. Macmillan: “The Blast of War”

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54 The Press As to freedom of the press, why should any man be allowed to buy a printing press and disseminate pernicious opinions calculated to embarrass the government? Brendon, “Winston Churchill”

55 Life Before the Computer An application was for employment A program was a TV show A cursor was using profanity A keyboard was a piano! Memory was something that you lost with age A CD was a bank account Compress was something you did to garbage Not space in a smaller amount An application was for employment A program was a TV show A cursor was using profanity A keyboard was a piano! Memory was something that you lost with age A CD was a bank account Compress was something you did to garbage Not space in a smaller amount Log on was adding some wood to a fire Hard drive was a trip on the road A mouse pad was a hole where a mouse lived And a backup was in the commode! Cut was what you did with a pocket knife Paste was something you did with glue A web was a delicate spider's home A virus a case of the flu! Log on was adding some wood to a fire Hard drive was a trip on the road A mouse pad was a hole where a mouse lived And a backup was in the commode! Cut was what you did with a pocket knife Paste was something you did with glue A web was a delicate spider's home A virus a case of the flu!

56 On Advice Small people, casual remarks, and little things very often shape our lives more powerfully than the deliberate, solemn advice of great people at critical moments. Sir Winston Churchill: “Thoughts and Adventures”

57 Evidence that Idiots Still Abound Police in Wichita, KS arrested a 22 year old man at an airport hotel after trying to pass counterfeit $16 bills! The Chico, CA city council set a $500 fine for anyone detonating a nuclear device within the city limits! A bus carrying 5 people was in an accident. By the time the police arrived, 14 people had boarded the bus complaining of whiplash! A man in LA who was “tired of walking” stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase. AT&T fired President John Walter after 9 mos, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 Million severance package. Was it Walter lacking intelligence?

58 THE BEST DEFINITION I'VE EVER HEARD FOR MANAGEMENT ! (beginning) A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.“ The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 9 and 60 degrees west longitude. "You must be in Information Technology," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?“ "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

59 THE BEST DEFINITION I'VE EVER HEARD FOR MANAGEMENT ! (conclusion) The woman below responded, "You must be in Management." "I am," replied the balloonist,! "but how did you know?" "Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

60 Did everyone have a Happy Halloween?

61 Last Chance to Memorize these Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored in yet." Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating." Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know, and I don't care.' ” "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle.” --- Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach

62 More about Southerners Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk. And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart" and go your own way. And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff, bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on Southernness as a second language! And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, ya'll need a sign to hang on ya'lls front porch that reads "I aint from the South but I got here as fast as I could."

63 Yet More Haiku Poetry ABORTED effort: Close all that you have worked on. You ask way too much. Yesterday it worked. Today it is not working. Windows is like that. First snow, then silence. This thousand dollar screen dies So beautifully. With searching comes loss And the presence of absence: "My Novel" not found. Salon magazine (http://www/salon.com) ran a competition to replace the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with Japanese haiku poetry. Each only 17 syllables. Ingenious!

64 Ugly Aircraft of the Millennium Awards Presentation And the winner is…. The Boeing JSF

65 Now, that’s more like it... Lockheed JSF Prototype

66 On Government I will not pretend that if I had to choose between Communism and Nazism, I would choose Communism. I hope not to be called on to survive in the world under a government of either of these dispensations. Sir Winston Churchill: House of Commons, 14 April, 1937

67 On Democracy Whatever one may think of democratic government, it is just as well to have practical experience of its rough and slatternly foundations. Sir Winston Churchill: “Great Contemporaries”

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69 Actual Letters to Landlords The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand? I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday, my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant. Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.

70 On People I do not like elections, but it is in my many elections that I have learned to know and honour the people of this island. They are good all through. Sir Winston Churchill: “Thoughts and Adventures”

71 Special Section for Yogi Berra “I want to thank all those who made this night necessary” “Mantle’s a switch hitter because he is amphibious” “How can you say this and that when this and that hasn’t happened yet?” “If you can’t imitate him, don’t copy him” “A nickel ain’t worth a dime any more” “He is a big clog in their machine” “Slump, I ain’t in no slump, I just ain’t hitting.” “I got a touch of pantomime poisoning” “If I didn’t wake up, I’d still be sleeping” “How can you think and hit at the same time?” “I wish I had an answer to that because I’m tired of answering that question”

72 On Languages They [his school fellows at Harrow] all went on to learn Latin and Greek and splendid things like that. But I was taught English. We were considered such dunces that we could learn only English. Sir Winston Churchill: “My Early Life”

73 Still More Joys of Air Travel Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: “We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways.” Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.” An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which require the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a “Thanks for flying XYZ airline.” He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, “Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?” “Why no, Ma'am,” said the pilot, “what is it?” The little old lady said, “Did we land or were we shot down?”

74 On Power Headmasters have powers at their disposal with which Prime Ministers have never yet been vested. Sir Winston Churchill: “My Early Life”

75 Not really funny…. The Roman Republic fell, not because of the ambition of Caesar or Augustus, but because it had already long ceased to be in any real sense a republic at all. When the sturdy Roman plebeian, who lived by his own labor, who voted without reward according to his own convictions, and who with his fellows formed in war the terrible Roman legion, had been changed into an idle creature who craved nothing in life save the gratification of a thirst for vapid excitement, who was fed by the state, and who directly or indirectly sold his vote to the highest bidder, then the end of the republic was at hand, and nothing could save it. The laws were the same as they had been, but the people behind the laws had changed, and so the laws counted for nothing." --Teddy Roosevelt

76 The Last Haiku You step in the stream, But the water has moved on. This page is not here. Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, But we never will. Having been erased, The document you're seeking Must now be retyped. Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared. Screen. Mind. Both are blank. Salon magazine (http://www/salon.com) ran a competition to replace the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with Japanese haiku poetry. Each only 17 syllables. Ingenious!

77 Helpful Product Labels … On a Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping." (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair.) On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside." (The shoplifter special) On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (And that would be how...?) On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (Uhhh...Too late!) Daughter’s comments in italics

78 JOYS OF BEING 40, 50, 60, 70, + 1.Kidnappers are not very interested in you. 2.In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. 3.No one expects you to run into a burning building. 4.People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?“ 5.People no longer view you as a hypochondriac 6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way 7. Things you buy now won't wear out. 8.You can eat dinner at 4 P.M 9.You enjoy hearing about other people's operations 10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans

79 GEORGE CARLIN STRIKES AGAIN (the cleaned up version) If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks? What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag? If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

80 More Helpful Labels … On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (As night follows day...) On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." I have actually done this so what's the problem? (But wouldn't this save me more time?) On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (One would hope.) On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (I gotta admit, I'm curious.)

81 On War Let us learn our lessons. Never, never believe any war will be smooth and easy.. Always remember, however sure you are that you can easily win, that there would not be a war if the other man did not think he also had a chance. Sir Winston Churchill: “My Early Life”

82 MORE JOYS OF BEING 40, 50, 60, 70, + 1.You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it 2.You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge 3.You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room 4.You sing along with elevator music 5.Your eyes won't get much worse 6.Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off 7.Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service 8.Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either 9.Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size

83 Yet More Helpful Labels … On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (Talk about a news flash.) On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." ( Step 3: Fly Delta.) On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame parents for this one.) On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands …” (Was there a lot of this happening somewhere? My God!)

84 On Freedom The day may dawn when fair play, love for one’s fellow men, respect for justice and freedom will enable tormented generations to march forth serene and triumphant from the hideous epoch in which we have to dwell. Meanwhile never flinch, never weary, never despair. The day may dawn when fair play, love for one’s fellow men, respect for justice and freedom will enable tormented generations to march forth serene and triumphant from the hideous epoch in which we have to dwell. Meanwhile never flinch, never weary, never despair. Sir Winston Churchill: House of Commons, 1 March 1955

85 GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER 1.Sag, You're it 2.Pin the Toupee on the bald guy 3.20 questions shouted into your good ear 4.Kick the bucket 5.Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over 6.Simon says something incoherent 7.Hide and go pee 8.Spin the Bottle of Mylanta 9.Musical recliners

86 On History In the long story of a nation we often see that capable rulers by their very virtues sow the seeds of future evil and weak or degenerate princes open the path to progress. Sir Winston Churchill: “History of the English Speaking Peoples” vol 1

87 Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. Writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?

88 Let's face it - English is a crazy language. You can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? Your house can burn up as it burns down; You fill in a form by filling it out When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick".

89 TEXAS Rules; The following list of rules apply to each person as they enter Texas 1.Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot. 2.Let's get this straight, it's called a 'gravel road.' I drive a pickup truck because I need to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your new Lexus. Drive it or get outta the way. 3. They are pigs, cattle, and oil wells. That's what they smell like to you.They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-40 and I-10 go east and west, I-35 goes north and south. Pick one. 4. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We have quarter-million dollar cotton strippers that we drive three weeks a year. 5. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

90 TEXAS Rules; The following list of rules apply to each person as they enter Texas 6.If that cell phone rings while a bunch of pheasant are coming in, we will shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time. 7.Yeah, we eat catfish, carp, and crawdads. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop. 8.The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November. 9. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you jack-slapped, by our women. 10. We open doors for women. That applies to everyone regardless of age.

91 TEXAS Rules; The following list of rules apply to each person as they enter Texas 11. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey. 12. When we fill out a table there are three main dishes: meats,vegetables and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper and Tabasco Sauce. 13. Yea, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two packets of sugar, some lemon and a long spoon. 14. High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch. 15. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards – it spooks the fish.

92 TEXAS Rules; The following list of rules apply to each person as they enter Texas 16. Colleges? Try Texas A&M. They come outta there with an education and a love for God and Country. They still wave at passing pickups when they come home for the holidays. 17. We have more Army, Navy, Marines and Air Force than any other state, so "Don't Mess With Texas!" If you do, it will get your butt kicked by the best! 18. Our military is only used as a back up. Per capita, each man, woman, and child owns at least two firearms and has taken an NRA Certified Shooter Education Course. 19. Also, remember what Governor Sam Houston once said, "Texas can make it without the United States, but the United States can't make it without Texas."

93 Just some thoughts..... God grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. Now that I am older, here's what I have discovered: –I started out with nothing, & I still have most of it. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran. I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.. All reports are in; Life is now officially unfair. If all is not lost,where is it? It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

94 Just a few more thoughts..... I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few... It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom. If God wanted me to touch my toes,he would have put them on my knees. When I'm finally holding all the cards,why does everyone decide to play chess? It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere. These days I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter... I go somewhere to get something & then wonder what I'm here after! You can't appreciate the rainbow without the storm.

95 TOP 8 IDIOTS OF 2001: Number 1 I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the Emergency room right away!

96 TOP 8 IDIOTS OF 2001: Number 2 Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them surprised them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing…

97 TOP 8 IDIOTS OF 2001: Number 3 A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote “this is a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag.” While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

98 TOP 8 IDIOTS OF 2001: Number 4 A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40

99 TOP 8 IDIOTS OF 2001: Number 5 Guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

100 TOP 8 IDIOTS OF 2001: Number 6 A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

101 TOP 8 IDIOTS OF 2001: Number 7 Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

102 TOP 8 IDIOTS OF 2001: Number 8 The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 A.M., flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said, he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. Please note that these people are allowed to vote

103 You Know You're a Redneck When … You have a rag for a gas cap. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter. Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. You burn your yard rather than mow it. The Salvation Army declines your mattress. Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the Governor to spare a loved one. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back & they don't want it. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

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105 More Joys of Air Travel “In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.” “Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest Airlines." "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments." "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses." "Last one off the plane must clean it." From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!”

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107 You Know You're a Redneck When … Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat. Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list. You've been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem. You've bathed with flea and tick soap. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog. Your kids take a siphon hose to show & tell. You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture. You took a fishing pole to Sea World. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program. You know how many bales of hay your truck will hold.

108 You Know You're a Redneck When … You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean. You can spit without opening your mouth. You come back from the dump with more than you took. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table. You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher. You've asked the preacher "How's it hangin'?" You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph. Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.

109 You might be an engineer if… Choosing between buying flowers for your wife and upgrading your RAM is a problem. You take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine room. In college, you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure. The salespeople at the local computer store can't answer any of your questions. At an air show, you know how fast the skydivers are falling. For your wife's birthday you gave her a new CD-ROM drive or a Palm Pilot. You can quote scenes from any Monte Python movie. You can type 70 words per minute but you can't read your own handwriting. You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.

110 You might be an engineer if… You sit backwards on Disney rides so you can see how they do the special effects You have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances You have more friends on the Internet than in real life You know what stands forhttp:// You look forward to Christmas so you can put together the kids toys You see a good design, and have to change it You spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding ring You still own a slide rule and know how to use it You window shop at Radio Shack Your laptop computer cost more than your car You've already calculated how much you make per second You've tried to repair a $5 radio.

111 Look like your Dog Contest

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114 Now, that’s what I call an aircraft…

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117 You Know You're a Redneck When … You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota. You have a complete set of salad bowls & they all say Cool Whip on the side. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV. You thought the Unibomber was a wrestler. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table. You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart. Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $10,000 worth of improvement.

118 On Free Speech Free speech carries with it the evil of all foolish, unpleasant, and venomous things that are said, but on the whole we would rather lump [put up with] them than do away with them. Sir Winston Churchill: House of Commons, 15 July 1952

119 Ever have one of those days?

120 On Examinations... I would have liked to have been examined in history, poetry and writing essays.... I should have liked to be asked what I knew. They always tried to ask what I did not know. Sir Winston Churchill: “My Early Life”

121 from the 776 Stupidest Things Ever Said Baseball: “Half of this game is 90% mental” - Danny Ozark, Phillies Manager Beards: “I’ve been traveling so much, I haven’t had time to grow it” - Bob Horner, ex-Braves 3rd baseman Bribes: “I didn’t want it to be too big. It would make it look like we bought the decision” - lawyer testifying to a federal jury. “It is deplorable to think of a parish where there are 30,000 people living without a Christian burial.” - clergyman raising funds for a new graveyard “I suppose you think that on our board half the directors do the work and the other half do nothing. As a matter of fact, gentlemen, the reverse is the case.” - chairman of the board defending(?) his fellow directors

122 You can tell a UGA student anywhere.. They sent me a fax with a stamp on it They thought a quarterback is a refund They tried to put M&Ms in alphabetical order They thought Boyz II Men is a day care center They thought Eartha Kitt is a set of garden tools They thought General Motors is in the army Under “education” on the job application, they put “Hooked on Phonics” They tried to drown a fish They trip over a cordless phone They spend 20 min looking at the orange juice can because it says “Concentrate”

123 Quotes You Can’t Forget New Orleans Saint RB, George Rogers, when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first." "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.” ---Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996 "I'm gonna graduate on time....no matter how long it takes.” --- Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh "You guys line up alphabetically by height.” ---Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach

124 On Perseverance Success: the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm. Sir Winston Churchill: {attributed}

125 World’s 10 Shortest Books 10. “My plan to find the real killers” - O.J.Simpson 9. “The Engineers’ Guide to Fashion” 8. “The Difference between Reality and Dilbert” 7. “Things I Would Not Do for Money” - Dennis Rodman 6. “The Wild Years” - Al Gore 5. “America’s Most Popular Lawyers” 4. “Detroit - a Travel Guide” 3. “Easy Unix” 2. “Mike Tyson’s Guide to Dating Etiquette 1. “The Book of Virtues” - Bill Clinton

126 Yet More Quotes Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is." Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play.” Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." Tommy Lasorda, Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: "He wants Texas back."

127 More from the 776 Stupidest Things Baseball: “Would the fans along the outfield please remove their clothes?” - PA announcer at Ebbets Field, Brooklyn “Anything that man says you’ve got to take with a dose of salts” - movie mogul Samuel Goldwyn “We have only one person to blame, and that’s each other” - Barry Beck, New York Ranger “If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet” - Ernest Bevin, British Foreign Minister “[I want to] make sure everybody who has a job wants a job” - George Bush [Sr] campaigning “Capital punishment is our society’s recognition of the sanctity of human life” - Orrin Hatch, R Utah

128 Yet more from the 776 Stupidest Things “Even Napoleon had his Watergate” - Danny Ozark, Phillies Manager. “We made too many wrong mistakes” - Yogi Berra “I move, Mr. chairman, that all fire extinguishers be examined 10 days before every fire” - city councilman “The Baltimore Colts are a bright young team. It seems as if they have their future ahead of them.” Curt Gowdy, sports announcer “The town of Albany contains 500 dwelling houses and 2400 inhabitants, all standing with their gable ends to the street.” Morse’s geography during the 1800’s “If Lincoln were alive today, he would roll over in his grave” - Gerald Ford “Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life” - Brook Shields

129 On Politics It would be a great reform of politics if wisdom could be made to spread as easily as folly. Sir Winston Churchill: Guildhall, London, 10 Sept. 1947


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