2. Introduction Types of out of network systems – In network = traditional family (mom, dad, the kids) – Out of network = separated/divorced, blended family, Jail, prison, foster care, adoption

3. Introduction Out Of Network Bible Examples – People can and do survive. – People can and do overcome the past. Jesus Jesus Jephthah (Judges 11:1, 11, 12:7) Jephthah (Judges 11:1, 11, 12:7) Joseph Joseph

4. Introduction Out Of Network Bible Examples – People can and do let their past define them. Moab Moab Ammon Ammon

5. Introduction Trauma = sudden disruption in the family unit. The more sudden, the more impact due to call for immediate change and re- adjustment.

6. Introduction Children are: keen observers, resilient, not equipped mentally/emotionally to understand, often self-blaming (my fault, “if only I had”), sometimes confused as boundaries and rules change, message mom/dad don’t play by the rules, modeled behavior (what are we teaching our kids).

7. Types Of Out Of Network Situations Divorce: – Divided loyalty – Teaches compartmentalization – Parenting styles often change – Demeaning of the other parent – New relationship and child often feels left out

8. Types Of Out Of Network Situations Divorce: – Losses for the child: home, school, peers, abandonment issues, hope of reconciliation, economics change, child becomes the “buddy” on which a parents’ fragile ego and esteem rests.

9. Types Of Out Of Network Situations Divorce: – Lawyers/courts – create the most chaos – the adversarial system where each side looks to the interest of their client – visitation, joint custody, impractical schedules cause heartache, anger, resentment and displacement of the child’s best interest. – Result – child cries out “just listen to me”.

10. Types Of Out Of Network Situations Blended family: – Boyfriends and girlfriends of parent(s) – Where do I fit? Am I loved? Am I in the way? – Divided loyalty (if I love the new one am I betraying the biological one?) – Visitation/custody

11. Types Of Out Of Network Situations Blended family: – Holidays – Four parents instead of 2 (house rules, values and practices of each home, siblings) – To adopt or not to adopt – “Not my real dad/mom” – Takes roughly 5 years from the divorce to homeostasis in home life again (acceptance)

12. Types Of Out Of Network Situations Foster Care: – Taken by strangers from the home, often suddenly – Going to a shelter – Placement “Where is the love?” “Where is the love?” Are siblings split up? Are siblings split up? “Is it my fault?” “Is it my fault?”

13. Types Of Out Of Network Situations Foster Care: – Loose talk – Case Worker – Visitation (supervised or not) – Connecting – Reunification

14. Types Of Out Of Network Situations Adoption: – Pre-natal adoptions vs older child – Same race, nationality, background or not – When and how is the child told? – Sealed records?

15. Types Of Out Of Network Situations Adoption: – Lingering questions of why? – Feelings that one may not belong – Adoptive parents thought they would be childless but adopted and then got pregnant, what now? – When one has their own child (own flesh and blood)

16. Types Of Out Of Network Situations Abusive Home: – Domestic Violence – Child Abuse/Neglect – Home controlled by anger (yelling, vile comments/cut downs), alcohol, drugs – Over-discipline

17. Types Of Out Of Network Situations Abusive Home: – Growing up in a fog – Two faced family (nice in front of others, when alone nasty/threatening) – Home is a scary place (not safe, sleeping at night and someone’s hand runs up under the covers; – Adaptive and Maladaptive roles

18. Types Of Out Of Network Situations Life Threatening Illnesses/Recovery: – Seeing those in control as vulnerable – Pending death or long term recovery – Graduated losses Financial Financial Relationship Relationship Appearance Appearance

19. Types Of Out Of Network Situations Life Threatening Illnesses/Recovery: – Focus on the sick one (others can be neglected) – Being in the role of caretaker

20. Types Of Out Of Network Situations Jail: – Shock – Anger – Bond money – Court/Lawyers

21. Types Of Out Of Network Situations Jail: – Employment (job status/arrest record/fear someone will find out) – Family begins redefining itself without the inmate – “Jail House Conversion” – Release – Restorative justice

22. Types Of Out Of Network Situations Prison: – Found guilty (merry-go-round of release or not) – Adjusting to prison systems (moved around) – Prison conversion – Communication (Visiting or not, Phone calls, JPay, Requests, Emotional roller coaster)

23. Types Of Out Of Network Situations Prison: – Economic impact on family system – Family re-fines itself – Stigma – Release and re-entry – Trying to fit back in

24. Some Considerations Parent substitutes (adopted/foster care) – What happens to the bonding ? – How to substitute or reconnect? Abusive parents (incest, physical violence)

25. Some Considerations Issues with seeing God as a loving Father when picture of father is “one not there” “one who hurts you” “one who abandons” “one who is mean and hateful to you” Coping with childhood trauma (as a child) (as an adult)

26. Escape Is Possible Through Jesus Remember that Bible characters were people like us. While many were superheroes, they still had their struggles, weaknesses and strengths:

27. Escape Is Possible Through Jesus They looked to God for the way of escape (1 Cor. 10:13;1 John 5:4,5; Rev. 3:21; 21:7) They trusted that the way of escape was taking the next right step even when they did not see the big picture (2 Cor. 5:7) They trusted that God was molding them into someone great (Paul’s grooming, Joseph trained to be a leader)

28. Escape Is Possible Through Jesus They learned: – Sometimes you “walk”(2 Cor. 5:7) – Sometimes you “run” (Genesis) – Sometimes you “wait” (Isa. 40:31; Ps. 27:14)

29. Escape Is Possible Through Jesus They trusted the power of forgiveness – Forgiving others their trespasses.(Matt. 6:9ff) – Trusting Jesus’ forgiveness (Heb. 8:12; 10:17) – Forgiving self (Heb. 10:17) Stopped looking back (Lk. 17:32; Phil 3:13)

30. Making Peace With The Past 1.Forgiveness is a choice. 2.Don’t give your power away. 3.Don’t cling to negative feelings. 4.There are no right timelines for recovery.

31. Making Peace With The Past 5.You can’t change the things that happened in your life, but you can decide how you interpret and respond to them. 6.Listen to your internal dialogue.

32. Making Peace With The Past 7.Consider what you need to do to get emotional closure. 8.Share your experience with others.

33. Conclusion Everyone has a past. The past is a place to visit, but we are not expected to live there. Making peace with our past is a cleansing process.

34. Conclusion That brings us to salvation – it does not wipe away history, but it does wipe away the guilt and shame of our past life. Whatever we have gone through – our struggles – how we have coped with them – These are not intended to define us.

35. Conclusion By lifting our burdens Jesus gives us strength to rise above them. Our old man has been buried with Him in baptism – let’s not resurrect that old man again. FORGIVEN!