1. St Patricks School 16 th April 2013

2. Definitions of bullying Types of bullying What schools are doing to protect your children How do you know if your child is bullying or being bullied Cyber bullying Advice for your child (toolbox ) What can you do to help

3. Definition “A child is being bullied when he or she is exposed, repeatedly and over time, to negative actions on the part of one or more peers. Bullying can take many forms, both direct and indirect. It always involves a power imbalance that makes it difficult for the victim to defend him or herself." (Olweus)

4. Amendment..! Bullying is overused Bullying begins when communication ends Assault to teasing all gets labelled bullying therefore developing a sense that it cant be fixed. Must include threat, must include cyber repeat understanding

5. Or Bullying is unwanted, aggressive behaviour that involves a real or perceived power imbalance. The behaviour is repeated, or has the potential to be repeated over time. Bullying includes actions such as making threats, spreading rumours, attacking someone physically or verbally and excluding someone from a group on purpose.

6. Types of Bullying Direct Indirect: Rumour spreading Gesture bullying Isolation & exclusion Cyber Bullying – relational / revenge based

7. Schools act on bullying Recognise, Reject and Report Workshops Policy (following department guidelines) Parent buy in SPHE Staff training Department of education guidelines / children first

8. Essentials of Anti Bullying School Scope (does the policy include to and from school, cyber bullying etc) School statement Define and identify bullying clearly (non exhaustive list) Clear advice for students Named personnel for dealing with incidents Defined steps for dealing with incidents

9. Changing approach Traditions school of consequences vs restorative processes Punish the deed or make right the harm Becomes about perception - move from punishment to accountability

10. Is it bullying? Teasing is a fun thing you do with friends, with people you care about. Taunting is a choice to bully someone for whom you have contempt.

11. ‘I was only messing’ Allows individuals to swop roles with ease Is not intended to hurt the other person Maintains basic dignity of those involved Pokes fun in lighthearted, benign way Is meant to get both parties to laugh Activity shared by kids with things in common Is innocent in motive Stops when someone gets upset or objects

12. Parents rarely know 61% of parents are unaware of bullying when asked Allow time to ask your son / daughter about incidents in school. Dont want to tell them… New research shows cyber bullying is less likely to be reported to an adult – they’ll sort it out themselves

13. Why wont they tell us Ashamed of being bullied Afraid of retaliation Don’t believe anyone can help – helpless Don’t believe anyone will help – hopeless Believe that bullying is part & parcel Believe they are telling tales Removal of phones / computers etc.

14. Who is the target? Who is being bullied ? Some of the reasons a child may be bullied include differences due to:  Physical appearance (size, weight, hair colour, clothing type) or personality trait (shy, quiet and unlikely to stand up to others or loud and overbearing);  A physical disability;  Culture, creed or race;  Excellent or poor academic performance;

15. Target contd. Who is being bullied continued A one-off incident or embarrassing moment; A troubled home life (e.g. alcoholic parent or mental health issues); An over-protective or passive parent; Hobbies or interests; Sexual orientation; Easy provocation into angry or tearful reactions.

16. Signs and symptoms Physical signs Cuts, bruises, scratches Headaches, stomach aches Damaged possessions “Missing” possessions that need to be replaced Emotional signs Withdrawal and/or shyness Anxiety Depression Aggression

17. Behavioural signs Changes in eating or sleeping habits (e.g., nightmares) No longer wanting to participate in activities once enjoyed Beginning to bully siblings or mistreat family pets Hurting self, attempting or threatening suicide Suddenly changing friends

18. Academic signs Not wanting to go to school Changing method of getting to school (e.g., changing walking route, wanting to be driven instead of riding the bus) Drop in grades

19. Parent guide 1.Listen to your child and ask questions 2.Show them that they have your support and that you believe them 3.Come up with a plan – be proactive, skills to deal with the situation - reassure of solution 4.Encourage assertiveness and give them / practice skills 5.Reassure them that they have done nothing to cause this – bullying is not their fault 6.Report the bullying to school staff and discuss your child's concerns around this 7.Ensure they don't respond with violence 8.If there is cyber bullying, keep all evidence (print, email info ) 9.BE A GOOD ROLE MODEL

20. What not to do…. Don’t try and solve it on your own Don’t give excuses for the bully, don’t rationalise their behaviour Don’t tell your child to avoid the bully – this is almost impossible and it implies your child is hiding or running (the bully will thrive on this) Don’t tell your child to fight back Don’t confront bully or other parents

21. Who ‘bullies’? The confident bully – has a big ego – inflated sense of self, no empathy, feels superior – popular but liked? The social bully – is jealous, has poor sense of self but uses confidence and charm to hide. Can be seen as caring but is manipulative and devious – popular but liked? The armoured bully- - is cool, charming to adults but vindictive to targeted peers. Personal problems are very buried...

22. Who ‘bullies’ The Hyperactive bully - is often challenged academically and socially.. Difficulty reading social situations and reacts with hostility The bullied bully – bullies others to get relief from own pain and powerlessness The gang of bullies - a dangerous bunch, an alliance of power and domination The bunch of bullies – a group who collectively do something they would never do together

23. Children who ‘bully’ Lack empathy – to age 12 Anxiety and low self esteem ( self report) Concerned with their own desires rather than those of others Find if difficult to see things from another perspective Willing to use others to get what they want Are seen as popular – yet not selected for being liked – therefore perception of popularity..

24. If your child is bullying Don’t punish Punishment deprives a child of an opportunity to understand moral and social consequences of their behaviour Punishment does not allow the child to fix what they have done and does not give an opportunity to empathise with the other child

25. The Bystander The third character in all bullying stories Those that are defended are happier The most negative memory from those bullied ‘noone cares...’ ‘If we see cruelty or wrong that we have the power to stop, and do nothing, we make ourselves sharers in the guilt’ Anna Sewell – Black Beauty

26. Long term consequences of bullying 65% of those bullied suffered mental health problems Self report of more emotional and behaviours difficulties 60% children who bully go on to have at least 1 criminal conviction 2011 - 10722 calls from young people about bullying 60% of boys who were bullied had one or more convictions by age 24 40% had 3 or more criminal convictions (sweden)

27. Telling tales or telling Telling tales / tattling – only serves to get a child into trouble Telling / reporting – serves to get a child out of trouble Let them figure out which is happening

28. Cyber Bullying A new perspective of an old problem Students unlikely to ‘bully’ traditionally may bully online, due to anonymity… Bystander role is greater (18% cyber bullied, 66% seen cyber bullying, 2011, anglia ruskin

29. Harassment and bullying that takes place online or through other mobile devices Personal intimidation Impersonation Abusive messages Offensive comments / photos Exclusion Personal humiliation Rumour spreading online False reporting Everything is public..the second the information is online it can never be completely erased. It is always accessible

30. Cyber Bullying Ireland More prevalent with girls – especially using phones and social networking With boys, greater use of cameras / video clips With boys it is often of a reactive type of aggression Changes idea of bullying definition needing repetitive nature Nearly always relational bullying Nearly always accompanied by ‘in – house’ bullying (88% knew their ‘bully’)

31. Cyber Advice Do not reply Save evidence, print page or save Go offline and report to provider Change your details Ask friends to monitor an old page Change settings, privatise settings – divide contact groups Be cautious that ‘friends’ are not always friends

32. What parents need to do Save evidence Learn about technology and safety online Accept that online socialising and virtual existence is not going away! The new generation..mistakes will be made and lessons will be learnt Keep computer public Don’t just remove computer..this threat alone will prevent your child telling you what is going on

33. General guidelines Help young people understand the difference between funny and cruel Help your child to be a good ‘bystander’ Teach empathy Learn about online activity Ask questions…! Liaise with school

34. Questions! Thank you! Workshops – please email with intention of interest Questions jennifer@yoursolutions.ie

35. Toolbox. Scratched cd Sorry, what did you say..? Body language Fogging – give them nothing! Positive ignoring - be calm! They cant bully you if you don’t care.. If your safety is at risk, give them what they want..