Presentation on theme: "THRIVING WITH YOUR TEEN"— Presentation transcript:
1THRIVING WITH YOUR TEEN The study of adolescence is a relatively new area of human development research.Research, beginning in the 70’s, was often done with families and teens who were struggling with problem behavior.As a result of focusing on teens with problems, we got the message that the teen years were tough times for parents!In the 80’s and 90’s, studies were done with a broader population who weren’t necessarily having problems and we’ve discovered some important things we want to share with parents.Recommendations made from the latest research on how parents and youth can thrive throughout the teen years.Mike Coyne – Minnesota Institute of Public Health
2Teens will live up to our expectations Positive or Negative... WHAT WE USED TO BELIEVE ABOUT ADOLESCENCEThe teen years are full of conflict and rebellious behaviorPeers are more influential than parentsParents need to crack down or give up in order to surviveWHAT WE KNOW NOWProblem behavior, family conflict, and psychological problems are no more common in adolescence than in any other timeParents who have strong connections with their teens really do have influence on their teens, peer pressure is overratedParenting style matters – Positive Parenting works best
3POSITIVE PARENTINGLet’s talk about “Positive Parenting”, or also known as “Authoritative Parenting”.
4You Make the Difference! RESEARCH SAYSTeens do best when they have a solid relationship with their parents.The Journal of the American Medical Association states:“…parent connectedness is the single healthiest force in the lives of U.S. teenagers.”HUMAN CONNECTION is critical for kids!
5Positive Parents... NURTURE by being supportive, warm and encouraging DISCIPLINE by teaching how to behave, set and enforce limits, and monitor behaviorRESPECT by encouraging teens to develop their own opinions and beliefs, model civility and allow privacyNurtureDisciplineWhat does positive parenting look like?Respect
6Positive Parenting is Ideal POSITIVE PARENTING is warm, supportive and encouraging while being firm, consistent and clear with limits and boundaries.HIGH NurturanceHIGH ExpectationsHIGH RespectDOMINATING PARENTING is harsh, punitive and rigid.LOW NurturanceHIGH ExpectationsLOW Respect“I’m important in my teen’s life. We have some good times and some bad times, but I’m there for the long run.”“I need to really clamp downnow that he’s a teen..If you give him an inch,he’ll take a mile”PERMISSIVE PARENTING is inconsistent enforcement of rules, or no rules at all and a need to be a pal, more than a parent.HIGH NurturanceLOW ExpectationsMODERATE RespectWe need to look at parenting, from the perspective different of parenting styles.Research done by Dr. Lawrence Steinberg at Temple University about parenting styles finds:20 to 25% of parents use a Positive approach to parenting20% or parents are Dominating20% are Permissive and40% are UnengagedThis is a major concern. Unengaged parents provide the least protection physically and emotionally for their teens, and this is the most commonly practiced parenting style.UNENGAGED PARENTING is inconsistent presence in a child’s life - teens raise themselves.LOW NurturanceLOW ExpectationsLOW Respect“I really want to enjoy parenting my teen. It’s important for them to fit in and have what they want, and not have too many rules. We get along better that way.”“It’s time to let go now that my child’s grown up. It’s time to get my needs met. He can take care of himself.”
7Positive Parents Provide LIMITS, Give clear RULES & BOUNDARIES while Positive Parents Provide LIMITS, Give clear RULES & BOUNDARIES while ENCOURAGING INDEPENDENCE...RESEARCH SAYS:Teens raised by POSITIVE parents:Do better in schoolHave lower rates of depression and stressAre less likely to engage in risky behaviorHave better social skillsAre more respectfulDeal better with conflictTeens raised by positive parents have better outcomesPositive parenting has been shown to be the most effective parenting style. This is true across different cultural, racial and economic groups.
8WHY DON’T MORE PARENTS USE A POSITIVE STYLE OF PARENTING? Discussion:WHY DON’T MORE PARENTS USE A POSITIVE STYLE OF PARENTING?
9Teens Need RulesFIRM RULES Some rules are firm and not to be changed whether your teen agrees with them or not. These rules are understood by both parents and teens. Use firm rules when:Physical or Emotional Health and Safety is at stakeThe Family’s Values are at stakeFLEXIBLE RULES Some rules are open for discussion and can be negotiated, waived or changed, if there is a good reason. Use flexible rules when:It’s not a health and safety issueThe issue does not affect or compromise family’s valuesExamples of FIRM RULES:No drinking alcoholAlways wear a seat beltGo to schoolExamples of FLEXIBLE RULES:Issues of style: such as clothing, hairstyle, etc…Choice of activities – within limits
10“Because I say so!” …What’s wrong with saying that? EXPLAIN WHY When parents arbitrarily lay down the law - without explaining why or listening to their teen’s point of view, they will get nagging and whining or worse, lying and doing things behind your back.THE KEY Keep your rules & expectations clearInvolving your teen in the process of setting rules is a great way to help her learn acceptable behavior and make decisions when you’re not there.
11“Will rules make my teen rebel?” HAVING RULES Most teens appreciate having rules even when they protest your rules and authorityTHE KEY Have rules that make senseRules are one way to let your teen know you care. Many teens admitthat when their parents are ‘strict’, it’s “for their own good.”
12MONITOR & REDUCE RISKSOne of the really key components of positive parenting is MONITORING
13Think Lifelong HealthThe teen years are some of the healthiest years of human life.THE CHALLENGES COME FROM RISKY BEHAVIORS SUCH AS:Tobacco UseDrinking AlcoholDrug AbuseSexual ActivityPoor NutritionViolence (physical fighting, use of weapons or dating violence)Unintentional accidents (car or motorcycle crashes, sports injuries, or bicycle accidents)When parents and other adults help teens avoid these risks, they are setting the stage for lifelong health.
14Monitor and Stay Involved Know WHO, WHAT, WHERE and WHEN RESEARCH SAYS:Teens feel more secure and are involved in less risky behaviors when one or both of their parents are present in the home at least one of these times. When your teen...gets up in the morningcomes home from schoolevening meal time (with TV off!)when she/he goes to bedTIPS:Be involved with your teen:Know WHO they hang out withKnow WHAT they’re doingKnow WHERE they areKnow WHEN they’ll be homeKnow HOW they’re doing - Use your time together to LISTENand Share the Learnings of the Day.
15Reduce the Risk of Substance Abuse, Violence & Sexual Activity TIPS:Deliver clear “No Use” messages about drugs, alcohol, tobacco and engaging in violent or sexual activitySpeak with your teens EARLY and OFTEN about the consequences of risky behaviorsPut cable locks on your firearms and remove access to drugs, alcohol and tobaccoIf your teen dates – encourage GROUP datingWe know from research that the best predictor of alcohol and drug use is the extent to which teens believe their parents tolerate these activities. Your disapproval of use stated clearly and firmly makes a difference.
16Blue Fish!!!PLAN AHEADGive your teens permission to use you as an excuse when they’re in over their headHave a plan for how teens can bail out of unsafe situations- Talk with and act out scenarios with your teen IN ADVANCEOne way you can help protect your teen is to help prepare them for difficult situations.Have a Family Code Word, like “Blue Fish”– it means –“Get me out of this situation NOW!”No questions asked!
17Do peers have more influence than I do with my teen? No, YOU are the major influence in your teen’s beliefs and behaviors throughout the teen years & young adulthood, provided you have a strong connection with your teen.Your teen will not choose a peer group randomly and not all peer groups are badYour teen will tend to choose friends who have values similar to their familyThere tends to be some experi- mentation with peer group choice, this is a normal process of ‘trying on’ different identitiesPeers are a big influence on clothing, activities, & style – the focus is on “fitting in”Parents are a major influence on the values and life decisions teens makeTHE KEY Get to know your teen’s friends and their parentsFriends are very important to teens.Parents need to balance family time and their teen’s time with friends.
18Give your teen hope for the future RESEARCH SAYS:School connectedness is associated with better emotional health, higher academic aspirations and performance, as well as less risk taking behaviors.TIPS:Be clear early on that attending school is important - this is a firm non-negotiable rule. It is more important than employment, sports or other extra curricular activities.Keep in touch with school – attend parent-teacher conferences, know your teen’s class schedules, pay attention to their grades.Make homework part of the family routine. Create time, space, and the expectation that homework is completed.If you have concerns, contact your teen’s teachers and school counselor.
19Discussion:What are some ways to monitor teens and respect their need to practice independence?
20PARENT WITH RESPECTThe foundation of positive parenting, is a respectful relationship between parents and teens.
21Teach Respect by Being Respectful… Allow teens freedom of thought and expression RESEARCH SAYSTeens do better when parents are clear about rules and monitor behavior.BUT...Teens are negatively affected when parents try to control their beliefs or don’t allow them to express their feelingsTeens need to question and debate rules. This is how they discover who they are and what they believe. It’s a necessary process of growing up and helps them become independent thinkers.
22RESPECT is a Balancing Act between… Maintaining High Expectations for your Teen’s Behavior & Honoring their Need to Express their Own Thoughts and FeelingsRESEARCH SAYS:Teens have higher self esteem and confidence when:They are allowed to discover who they are and form their unique identityThey are able to understand and express their emotions appropriately“It’s not my place to control how you think or feel, but I am responsible for keeping you safe and expecting you to behave appropriately.”
23“Why Does She Always Question My Authority?” DON’T TAKE IT PERSONALLYIt is common for teens to question rules and values.One lesson they learn by questioning you is to stand up for themselves in a safe place - at home. This teaches them the skills to stand up for themselves outside the home and to say no to things they don’t like.THE KEY Take care of yourself – physically and mentally – and seek support when needed.% of teens generally enjoy a healthy parent-teen relationship. Teen years are hardest on the parents
24Crossing Paths...NORMAL TEEN DEVELOPMENT TAKES IT’S TOLL ON PARENTS AS THEY ADJUST TO:Physical and Sexuality Maturity,A growing circle of peers or romantic relationships,Distancing themselves emotionally,De-idolizing parents and seeing them as having faults,Questioning parents values,Wanting more of the family resources, andEstablishing their own identity and life goals.Human development research finds that adolescence is often a time of transition, not only for the teen, but for parents as well.Many parents are facing life changes, at the same time their kids are going through the teen years. In the book Crossing Paths, Dr. Laurence Steinberg describes the challenges parents face:POTENTIAL EFFECTS FOR PARENTS:Marital conflict and dissatisfactionLower self esteemDepression and anxietyLess satisfaction with work, family and life then when their children were younger
25Parents, Stay the Course…. RESEARCH SAYS:The teen years are a time when BOTH parents and teens are renegotiating their relationship and creating a new future together. It’s a journey toward:The teen’s independence & freedom from parental controlAn ongoing connection between parent and teenTIPS FOR PARENTS AND TEENS:Your Teen’s task is to become their own person WHILE maintaining and redefining connections with you and others, in order to move toward adulthood.Teen’s report that they don’t want to become DISTANT from their parents, but for their relationship to become DIFFERENT, honoring and accommodating their new capabilities and responsibilities.
26Discussion:What are some ways your relationship with your teen/child has changed as they’ve grown?
27When in Conflict Remember…. Don’t engage in “power struggles” that are about how to think, and who is right.Focus on the important issues of health and safety.Model the language and tone of voice you expect from your teen.Stay calm and remember you are in charge - You are the adultAvoid conflicts when you are pressed for time - often issues can be dealt with later and this gives you time to be creative in finding a win-win approach.Be realistic about how your teen acts - they simply don’t have the skills and experience you have in dealing with disagreements.Find ways to say “YES” as well as “no”. Look for common ground where you and your teen agree,Don’t forget your sense of humor - it’s your best tool for putting issues in perspective.Conflict is part of any relationship. Here are some strategies for dealing with your teen when you don’t agree.
28A Model for Solving Problems Together When preparing to discuss an issue with your teen, think of the words I CARE, I SEE, I FEEL, LISTEN, I WANT and I WILL… it will help you organize your thoughts and get to some healthy resolution.I CARE — express warmth and loveI SEE — state the factsI FEEL — share your feelingsLISTEN — what are your thoughts?I WANT — state a plan of actionI WILL — say what you’ll do to help outSometimes we need to address tough issues with our teens. Here is a model that can help begin these conversations and keep the dialogue going.I CARE —“I love you and I’m concerned.”I SEE —“Last night you came home for dinner an hour late”I FEEL —“I was worried and angry that you didn’t check in with me”LISTEN — (You could say nothing… let them explain…)I WANT —“Next time, I want you to call me ahead of time if you’re going to be late”I WILL —“I’ll be sure to let you know when I’m going to be late too” (monitoring is being modeled)
29“What if my teen won’t talk to me?” Becoming more private and keeping thoughts and feelings to themselves is common in adolescence, especially for boys.Find regular times to be together - just you and your teenDon’t interrupt - Listen.Be available by stating, “You can always talk to me when you’re ready.”OPEN THE CONVERSATION BY ASKING:Tell me about…What do you think…How would you do that…Feel like talking…?THE KEY Be available when they want to talk - and learn to listenTeens really want to be heard, but parental opinions and advice can get in the way.
30Never Give UP! They need you now, more than ever Take inventory of your own attitude - Ask yourself: “What can I do differently to support my teen?”Sometimes teens just need a little tenderness...Sometimes you can’t be the answer - Find a healthy adult friend who can help be the liaison between you and your teenNo matter how hard it is - focus on what’s working and as much as possible - see the strengthsSeek out helpful and proven community resourcesIt’s OK to ask for help…the earlier, the better…. Nobody can do this on their own…..The best way to help your teen is to help yourself!
31FOR MORE INFORMATION… Visit our web site: Contact information:Mike Coyne:
32ResourcesL. Steinberg and A. Levine. “You and Your Adolescent”. New York: Harper PerennialThe Konopka Institute for Best Practices in Adolescent Health, University of Minnesota, Mpls, MN. Growing Absolutely Fantastic Youth, A Guide to Best Practices in Healthy Youth Development, Spring, 2000.Resnick, M.D., Bearman, P.S., Bauman, K.E., Harris, K.M., Jones, J., Tabor, J., Beuhring, T., Sieving, R.E., Shew, M., Ireland, M., Bearinger, L.H., & Udry, J.R. (1997). Protecting adolescents from harm: Findings from the National Longitudinal Study on Adolescent Health. JAMA, 278 (10),Simpson, A. Rae (2001). “Raising Teens: A Synthesis of Research and a Foundation for Action”. Boston: Center for Health Communication, Harvard School of Public Health.Suburban Ramsey Family Collaborative, Roseville, MN. Investing In Youth: Research Based Recommendations for Parents, Schools and Communities in Suburban Ramsey County, 2000University of Minnesota Extension Service, University of Minnesota, “The Growing Season: A Parent’s Guide to Positive Parenting of Teens” (Video and Parent Handbook), 2000.
33Recommended Books to Read You and Your Adolescent: A Parent’s Guide for Ages 10 to 20, Laurence Steinberg, Ph.D. and Ann Levine, HarperPerennial, New York, 1997.The Growing Season: A Parent's Guide to Positive Parenting of Teens (video and Parent handbook), University of Minnesota Extension Service, University of Minnesota, To order call (800) Why Do They Act That Way? A Survival Guide to the Adolescent Brain for You and Your Teen, David Walsh, Ph. D., Free Press, New York, 2004No, Why Kids of All Ages Need to Hear It and Ways Parents Can Say It, David Walsh, Ph. D., Free Press, New York, 2007Crossing Paths: How Your Child’s Adolescence Triggers Your Own Crisis, Laurence Steinberg and Wendy Steinberg, New York, Simon and Schuster, 1994.It's Perfectly Normal - A Book About Changing Bodies, Growing Up, Sex, and Sexual Health, Robie H. Harris, Cambridge, MA, Candlewick Press, The Roller Coaster Years: Raising Your Child Through the Maddening, Yet Magical Middle School Years, Charlene C. Giannetti and Margaret Sagarese New York, Broadway Books, 1997.Parenting 911: How to Safeguard and Rescue Your 10 to 15 Year Old, Charlene C. Giannetti and Margaret Sagarese, New York, Broadway books, 1999.Thriving With Your Teen, Initiative for Violence Free Families and Communities in Ramsey County, To order call (800)