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Dignity is not negotiable You matter in a childs life Connection makes life meaningful.

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Presentation on theme: "Dignity is not negotiable You matter in a childs life Connection makes life meaningful."— Presentation transcript:

1 Dignity is not negotiable You matter in a childs life Connection makes life meaningful

2 Satisfying work (curiosity) Hope of being successful Social connection Meaning beyond oneself Happiness

3 The right to be treated with dignity by others. The responsibility to treat others with dignity. Valuing the development of social competence as a critical academic skill. Your Students Happiness at School Is Based on Three Fundamental Concepts:

4 But conflict is inevitable Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2010

5 Culture vs Climate School culture is the unwritten rules, shared ideas, assumptions, values, and beliefs that give an organization its identity. School climate is the quality and character of school life based on patterns of students, parents, and school personnels experience of school life and reflects the norms, goals, values, teaching and learning practices.

6 What are your colleagues thinking?

7 I'd like a solid definition of bullying so we're not "crying bully" when we should be helping kids work through average teen drama.

8 Drama Vs. Bullying: Bullying is using power or strength to make someone feel worthless. Usually defined as being one way. Drama is an exciting, unexpected, emotional series of events. Always defined as a conflict where both people are actively involved and not serious or hurtful.

9 I do not advocate ignoring bullying but I can tell you that while Im sure it goes on, Im not aware of it. I am busy teaching. I dont mean to sound unkind but wading into the abyss of teenaged social cruelty is just not on my agenda. Im a foreign language teacher, not a psychologist or counselor. So please stop asking me to assume roles for which Im unprepared and frankly, uninterested. Stop wanting teachers to do every job that come down the pike, and then be all surprised that instruction suffers. You raise your children, I will teach them French.

10 You feel liked by the person. You dont feel that the person wants to put you down They will stop if you ask. Good Teasing The teaser doesn't know how you feel because you wont tell them. Or They blow you off with, I was just joking. Youre so sensitive! Unintentional Bad Teasing Youre teased about something youre insecure about. If you defend yourself, youre uptight or threatened with ending the friendship. Relentless and public. Bad Teasing/ Bullying

11 Telling to get someone in trouble. The goal is to make the problem bigger and more public. Telling because the problem is too big to solve on your own. The goal is to right a wrong. SnitchingReporting vs.

12 Gray Zones Dining Hall Nook in Library Senior Hall Locker Rooms Recess Assemblies Field trips Tunnel Any place in transition

13 Assess on the approach. Dont ask the group whos responsible. Get group on task with promise to follow up individually. Assess as they leave. In the moment

14 STOP STOP: Breathe, listen, and think when and where, now or later? EXPLAIN EXPLAIN: What happened that you dont like and what you want. AFFIRM AFFIRM: Affirm and acknowledge. LOCK LOCK: In the friendship, take a vacation or lock it out. SEAL

15 Listening! Be prepared to be changed by what you hear. Affirm feelings; dont voice your opinion about the truth of the story or ask a barrage of questions. Ask if hes venting or wants advice. Dont use her slang. Share your own experiences without telling him how you would have done it. Dont just do something, stand there. If you dont know, admit it.

16 Senior Hall What do you know about these kids? Who has social power? Who do you know best? What is triggering you? I have asked you once to be quiet while Im teaching and you cant do it. Please go to the sofas outside the office until your next class. Later, find David the kid you know best, and pull him aside. (you can fib if hes around other students)

17 Explain: I have asked you repeatedly to stop playing music and talking outside my classroom. When you dont, it feels like a direct disrespect to me. Im sorry! Were studying! Were just sharing ideas! David weve had this conversation so many times before that I dont think your apology is sincere. If youre sorry that means you will change your behavior. Is that what youre saying? Yeah. Thank you. Look this was hard for me. Youve been my student. Now that weve talked I dont think this is going to happen again but if it does I need to tell you that X will occur. I dont think it will but I dont want you to have any surprises.

18 The Child is the Target You Dont Say: Bullies are insecure, jealous, or weak. Ignore it, walk away. Im sure they didnt mean it that way. Thats just the way the world is. You dont realize it now but youll be stronger for the experience. Punch them in the face.

19 You Do Say: Im so sorry. Thank you for telling me. Together were going to work on this.

20 Destroy your credibility. Dont Treat you and the other person with dignity. Do Its okay Whatever Dont worry about it Thank you Accepting Apologies

21 Common responses: Want to disappear Immediately talk, text and FB whoever you can for reconnaissance. Plot with your friend about how to get back at the person who you think started it. Say, Whatever, its not worth it. But really worry about it a lot. Did you hear what everyones saying about you?

22 STOP-What is the messengers motivation? Your answer: Thanks for telling me. Please dont share this with others. Explain-Youre saying bad things about me. Is that true? Affirm/acknowledge-If I did something that upset you I want to know. But if youre mad at me, you have to tell me. The problem cant be fixed if we cant talk about it. Take a vacation-We used to be good friends. If you ever want to talk about this, Im here. Getting Some Control

23 The Child is a Bystander Im sorry this is happening. Thanks for telling me because I know it can be hard to come forward about things like this and I really respect the fact that you did. Now lets think about what we can do about it. USE SEAL TO FRAME STRATEGY Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2010

24 Choosing Your Moment

25 Mark: Forwarding those pictures of Michael was messed up. Andy: No it wasnt! It was amazing! Mark: You know he was really mad. Andy: No I dont! If he was so freaked out why didnt he say anything? Mark: Because than you would make fun of him even more. Andy: Its not my fault hes so weak. And wait a minute, you laughed just as much as I did. Mark: Im not proud of this but I laughed because I was nervous. All Im asking is you lay off. Andy: Fine Ill back off but you do realize how gay youre being about this whole thing right? Mark: Right, Im gay because I want you to stop making a kid miserable. Whatever. They go back to the game.

26 Remind parents this is one moment not a lifetime. If people are upset, ask them to slow down because you want to hear them. Tell them youll talk to the child and get back to them. To the student: With paper in hand say, X was reported to me. Is this accurate? Is any of it accurate? If the person was sitting right here, what would they say-- even if you think it was wrong. The child is the Bully

27 Can you tell me why you think were meeting right now? Rolls eyes. Because you think Im mean to Dan and Jackson and Im not. Im just joking! They know it! I dont understand why this has to be such a big deal. Tyler, have you ever been really mad at someone, you knew exactly what you wanted to say and you carried it around with you looking for the perfect moment to tell them? Are you good at joking around like this with people? Like youre quick with comebacks? I guess. And do you tend to be good at winning arguments? Maybe. Has anyone youve called gay or retarded or made a joke about their religion, ever asked you to stop? No.

28 If youre good at arguing and comebacks, why wouldnt a friend want to tell you when they dont like something youre doing? Silence. Well, its not my fault if they cant speak up. Im speaking up for them. Making comments and jokes like this are unacceptable, even when the person doesnt say anything. Do Friendship rights.

29 I want you to get this so there are no surprises. You must stop these comments. I know you can continue doing this when Im not around. You can go out to your friends and tell them how stupid this conversation was. You can blow it off. If you do here are the possible consequences: Please feel free to tell your parents about this conversation.

30 List the three rights that are most important to you in a relationship or friendship My Relationship Rights

31 List three ways that someone could treat you where you would consider ending the friendship/relationship My Deal Breakers

32 South Park Kyle Has No Friendsand Breast Cancer Show Ever Pew Internet and American Life Project. School Climate 2.0 Justin Patchin and Sameer Hinduja, Corwin Press 2012 Whos Doing Great Work?

33 Network Centrality, Gender Segregation, and Aggression, Robert Faris and Diane Felmlee, American Sociology Review February 2011 Social Networks and Aggression at the Wheatley School, Robert Faris and Diane Felmlee, Department of Sociology, University of California at Davis September 2011 Danah Boyd Reality is Broken: Why Games Makes Us Better and How They Can Change the World: Jane McGonigal, Penguin 2011 Justice: Whats the Right Thing to Do? Michael Sandel, Farrar, Straus, and Giroux, 2009

34 Want to Reach Me? Phone : Web : rosalindwiseman.com Facebook : Search Rosalind Wiseman and join my Page YouTube : Search Rosalind Wiseman and subscribe to RPWinc Channel Twitter : Special discount for Owning Up curricula! 25% off Researchpress.com Code D342 05/16/11Copyright 2010 RPW Inc.

35 56% of students were involved in aggression and victimization. Kids dont fall into stable roles of bully and victim. There were equivalent rates of aggression among boys (43%) and girls (42%). However, girls were significantly more likely to be harassed than boys (27%) and have more attackers. Aggression is most frequent within rather than across racial groups. Aggression and Social Networks

36 Qualities Im looking for in an ally include: 1. opinionated but not judgmental 2. honest 3. reliable Finding My Ally

37 My top 3 choices for an ally are: Finding My Ally

38 Social Aggression Family structure and parent occupation do not significantly effect either aggression or victimization. Students intervened in 23% of incidents (highest being with younger students). 19% were reported to adults.

39 88% of teens have seen someone be mean or cruel to another person on a social networking site. 13% had felt nervous about going to school the next day. 8% had gotten into a physical fight with someone because of something that happened on a social networking site. 51% of girls sought advice; 20% of boys did. Teens, Kindness, and Cruelty, and Social Network Sites, Pew Research Center, 2011 Technology and Aggression

40 Teens and Privacy 62% of teens say that they set their profile to private so that only their friends can see their posts. 67% of on-line 17 years olds say that they have withheld content that may hurt their reputation.

41 They go over your head Thank you for meeting with me. I know that you already spoke to (Y supervisor). I want to talk to you about X but I also think its important to discuss the reason you didnt feel comfortable or that it would be ineffective to talk to me. What would you like to discuss first? Possible responses: Mike has repeatedly told you X and you arent doing anything about it. As Mikes counselor/teacher I want to do my best for him. This is my understanding of what has happened so far… Are you saying that its my childs fault… No, Im not. Im telling you what I know about the situation so we can work together to solve the problem. 05/16/11Copyright 2010 RPW Inc.

42 Explain: Gabby, We used to sit together all the time. But when the other girls are there, you say inside jokes and you roll your eyes whenever I say anything. If I eat with you I dont want you to make me feel like you dont want me there. I knew you were going to be so dramatic about this! Youre the one whos sitting with us! Its not like anyones forcing you! Affirm: I realize I havent been giving you a lot of space and we dont have to be friends like we used to. But I dont want you to keep me guessing how youre going to treat me every day. Fine! Im sorry! Now will you drop this? Lock (vacation): No, because the way you just said sorry came across like you didnt mean it. So Im not going to sit with you for awhile but if you ever want to talk to me about this, let me know.


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