Presentation on theme: "LOVE Elspeth McAdam STOK Conference. 13th November 2009, Denmark."— Presentation transcript:
1LOVEElspeth McAdamSTOK Conference.13th November 2009, Denmark
2Love If music be the food of love, play on Shakespeare All you need is LOVEBeatlesSTOP -- Linguagram meaning of love
3Lingugram of love Ocean of meaning in a drop of grammar! Meanings emerge as we the word is usedIn 2s or 3s explore meaning and narratives of love and what it entails what actions, what stances
4Love is the source of human socialisation Love is biologicalLove is the source of human socialisation- Humberto Maturana
5Maturana’s thoughts on love Stickiness/Love is the spontaneous dynamic condition of acceptance by a living system of its coexistence with other living systems: a reciprocal fitting, a happening that takes place or does notLove is a biological phenomena, and requires no justification;If love occurs there is socialisation if it does not then there is not.Love is the fundament of social phenomena and not its consequence.Social phenomena only last as long as love lasts in that domain.
6Socialization Love is the source of human socialisation What is especially human is what we do in love as humansThis is an invitation to respect the biological condition that is the basis of humanity.Without love as a spontaneous biological phenomena there is no socialisation
7Language Can only develop as a mutual dance between people To be conserved over time involves dramatic increased complexity of relationships to be maintained where love, care respect is livedConversations are an entwining of emotion, language & actionLanguage now living and perpetuated but appropriation/ownership culture – competition, hierarchy, negation valued and love/humanness incidentalBut still live love based childhood then competition and patriarchy come in in adolescence.Schism of world of humanness coexisting with world of inhumannessEmotion changes, language changes. How talk and act different in different domains.
8Love is a healer!Love is a fundamental condition of being a human beingWhen the biology of love is interfered with we disappear or become ill and are cured by loveNew beginnings always start in love – new respect and dignity couplingsVery relevant just now – Maturana talks about war and lack of respect for green issues as being loss of love. Aggression and competition also a loss of love Also the importance of the two bottom items to keep in mind for the work we all do.
9An InvitationMaturana is offering us an invitation to respect the Biological condition that is the basis of humanity. Without love as a spontaneous biological phenomena there is no socialisationWithout socialisation there's no language, no reason, no self consciousness, no awareness of emotions, so without love we are not social beings. This is not trivial and has huge implications.My preoccupation with this has been our country’s attitude to delinquent children is horrendous and shows no love --
10Value of Maturana’s ideas of love as Biological Really important in this day and age as there are so many wars, tyranny and ideology that the rationalisation justifies the loss of socialisation. We no longer have love that accepts and enjoys the differences.How we are treating our children can be seen as a loss of the biological ideas/narrative of love.Press talk about children as monsters or wild animals but Govt beginning to listen
11Mirror neurones Daniel Stern Children do not use spoken language until 18 –24 months but understand and communicate clearly.They learn very early to respond via mirror neurones (MN) to carer’s communication – smile they smile, anger they withdraw or cryThere are also intention neurones (IN) that pick up and anticipate others’ intentions.MN & IN – GROW IMPLICIT KNOWLEDGE - Huge and difficult to put into words Eg LOVESo how do we create a context where love can grow.
12 “ “The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant.We have created a society that honours the servant and has forgottenthe gift.”- Albert Einstein
13Love is experienced in the whole body as are all emotions Non-verbal expressions are seen and sensed even though we do not appreciate we are showing them.
14Meetings Zone of Tranquillity Zone of Fight and Flight Peaceful, open, reflective, in dialogue and open to changeZone of Fight and FlightDefensive, deny, justify, aggressiveMelissa Griffiths, Glenda FredmanTell Bethel story
15Implicit KnowledgeChildren and vulnerable people are very sensitive to this implicit communication, responding fast to any sense of criticism moving into a fight and flight mode,So when we meet people we need to make sure we are in a Zone of Tranquillity to help people feel safe.We also need to enhance our listening to our own mirror and intention neuronesThis fits with the neurobiology as it is emerging from all the scans now possible
16Neurobiology: Types of Affect Systems Paul GilbertWe are all born in a state of fear and high arousal – we need to be fed, cared for, kept warm, OXYTOCIN STORY
17The Contentment System When animals are not threatened and not seeking resources they become contentContentment associated with positive affect, and sense of calm and well being, enabling signals of caring and kindness to have soothing qualities, that activate positive affect, safeness and social connectedness. – the social safeness system.The contentment/social safeness system is wired to act as a regulator of the threat protection and drive systems.Oxytocin story of birth Withdrawal of love is like morphine withdrawal – going cold turkey and maybe explains why addicts take morphine
18Threat Protection System (TPS) All living things have evolved threat-detection and protection systemsStimuli impinging on organisms must be checked out for potential threatMammalian defences include a menu of behaviours – fight, flight, freeze; emotions- anger,anxiety,disgust; storiesTPS have evolved to be attuned to certain kinds of threats and operates a better safe than sorry policyThese threats often picked up by mirror neurones but children also learn them through limit setting. First is fear and not love, second is love tend to read an
19continuedSensitivity and response to specific threats results from interaction between genes and learningResponse options may conflict and create confusionBrain state choreographed from threat protection can bias other processing systems ambiguous events read negativelyOver and under development of sensitivities in threat protection underpin many psychopathologiesPsycho pathologies – anxiety, OCD PD CD
20Cortisol High cortisol negative outlook & view of life active Right brain – high emotionslow activity in Left brain- limited cognitive processingHigh Anxiety in pregnancy is predictor of CD in childNormal –L Brain more active than Rt Brain- positive feelings, cheerfulness & sociabilityHigh anxiety of mother in pregnancy with high cortisol levels may sensitize the baby to high arousal and possible ADHD, particularly if also in infancy a lot of stress or violence.
21The Drive SystemThis system motivates and directs us to important resourcesIt is a source of anticipation and pleasureIt underpins the development of desires and some goals – both materials and those linked to self esteem – eg seeking status or fameIt is an activating system highly stimulated by certain drugsPositive emotions flowing from this become focus of Western philosophy and materialistic culturesWestern Cultural stories of patriarchy and wanting to own things Maturana feels destroys life
22ImageryImagination can stimulate any of these pathways or systems – v biologicalRead a good menu and you salivateBallerina post surgeryImagining caring loving thoughts or memories or loving, caring, content futures encourage contentment pathways to grow.Imagine success and dreams of a successful career, sport etc grow the drive pathway.Ballerina story elderly female ballerina in hosp for heart surety and all wired up to monitors. Nurse noticed that heart rate up and patient slightly sweaty. She was roused and sweetly said she had just been doing her bar work class!
23What is love?Interestingly this fits the attachment story very well so it is useful to look at it and think about it when we work with families. Love biologically may mean creating a balance between all these 3 affect modes
24Love is reciprocal and relational Cannot do it aloneAnxious mother or mother who needs mothering herself often not available to her childWithdrawn, unresponsive baby less likely to encourage mother’s warmthIdeally Love and responsiveness need to flow in both directions
25Attunement- Being in Tune Being present to your childUsing mirror neurones to respond to child in way it wantsObserve when temporarily withdraws– withdraw to give child spacePeek a Boo games – led by child’s anticipationEntering their grammarPutting language on their emotionSeeing emotion and behaviour as an invitation – “You seem cross, you want all Mummy’s attention, I understand and know… but sometimes Mum has to give attention to your brother, I know you do not like it … but I do have to show him love too. Love you”Look at films of mother child interactions – responsive attuned mothering can pick up when to hold gaze and when to look away.
26Setting limitsSome Cortisol facilitates growth of nor adrenaline in orbito frontal cortex which develops regulatory/inhibitory behaviourEg When told to STOP/DANGER- temporary loss of attunement – helps child fit social normsChange from sympathetic to Para sympathetic arousalShame is experienced- important part of socialisation.More important is the recovery from shame – with restoration of attunement.Need to balance – so need some fear, some drive and plenty of safeness in order to survive
27Delight and pleasure at other’s achievements Genuine delight and pleasure when someone you love achieves something from smiles to first steps to passing exams, getting a job, getting married etcStimulates sense of value and self esteem that allows person to be confidently motivatedInteresting that these fit so well with what people have found in our neuro biology
28Bowlby, 1951, The Early Systemic Therapist Just as children are absolutely dependent on their parents for sustenance, so in all but the most primitive communities, are parents, especially their mothers, dependent on a greater society for economic provision. If a community values its children it must cherish their parents.
29Secure Attachment Story Resilient to stress and traumaMother present and attuned to baby MNCo creative gaze holding and letting go INAny rupture of affirmative relationship with well attuned mother – fast reparation MNGames of anticipation and expectation –peek a boo INRespond to baby and led by their response MNBoundaries develop with the withdrawal of affirmation and fast restoration of relationship MN & INCommunication thru eye contact helps brain to grow, Mother’s sympathetic system aroused –dilated pupils MNImplicitly child knows mother is there for it MNAttuned parents grow a social brainMirror Neurones MN & Intention Neurones IN – GROW IMPLICIT KNOWLEDGE - HUGE AND DIFFICULT TO PUT INTO WORDS Eg LOVE
30Insecure attachmentBaby does not experience being cocooned by protective motherMirror neurones and intention neurones pick up hostility and aggression, inconsistency and lack of attunement, over-involved playBaby overstressed – stress response active prematurely. Cortisol receptors flooded and shut down. So free floating cortisol – sense of stress/inhibits endorphins, dopamine and pleasurable feelingsCortisol stimulates adrenaline -) fight and flight and increased arousalCortisol highest when loss of power/control
31Ambivalent Mother inconsistent, intrusive & dismissive Child becomes enmeshed, child is compliant, desperate to please, mother feels eaten up and pushes awayChild terrified of Abandonment so does not exploreChild swings between safeness and fear/threat protection systems. Little of drive system develops
32Avoidant AttachmentMother functional, pushing away, child does not feel valued or engaged withChild becomes terrified of contact, rejection, dismissive of others, poor historian, poor story line, poor self awareness. Wariness of othersCortisol stimulates adrenaline -) fight and flight and increased arousal,Cortisol highest when loss of power/control
33Therapeutic implications Whatever story we tell of formative childhood experiences perhaps need to understand the biological consequences of what we do and ensure we can create opportunities for “love.”How do we help children stand on this tripod of the Healthy Affective CircleSo much of this comes to the biology of love and creating a robust safety system
34Social ConstructionWe create our worlds through language and tell storiesActive process depending on what stories are told, to whom and in what contextWords create: meaning and action, intentionality, emotion and moralityLanguage is future orientatedChange happens simultaneously as we caress people with our wordsLanguage we use is a moral issue. Questions create a world for people to live with dignity
35Appreciative Language –everyone wants to be a HEROINE We all grow with being valuedPositive stories allow people to have a choice to changeTell one of the untold storiesGive people genuine dignity and respectPerfect system –coherent with their values and morality - Maturana
36Criticism, blame and shame Invites people to justify their actions and create explanations to repeat the “unwanted” behaviourIt encourages denial and defensivenessIf fast reparation may help child conform to social norms
37As professionals we are: Responsible for creating a morally respectful, dignified worldStories are prioritised differently for everyone in different contexts + different relationshipsOur own stories bewitches us – they fit OUR moralitySo difficult to make sense of/understand another’s morality when people do things you feel are wrong
38Questions are Fateful What you ask is what you get Ask questions that will give energy to the desired outcome and engagement in the conversation –connect thru love!Enquire about high points or success stories as this is when most abilities are evident energizes people. Abilities become resourcesAppreciate the richness of an episode- by asking questions to bring out all the details.Every PROBLEM is a FRUSTRATED dream – question and work with the dream
39Identity is created by the stories others tell of us. “We get to know ourselves through the detour of the other.”Identity is created by the stories others tell of us.We exist in the worlds of othersPaul Ricoeur
40IdentityIdentity is constantly inflow. A mosaic. Multiple stories depending on context and relationshipWhat stories would you like told?What would you have to do to get those stories told.What actions live the identity?
41IdentityIdentity is more usefully thought about as a process of identifying the abilities of the self.Identity is constant inflow as new abilities are recognized and used-Dewey
42Identity contAbility spot and encourage abilities to flower and blossom in different contexts so they become values & resources for future use
43Ability SpottingAsk about high points/moments of pride or joy, SPOT abilities whilst fulfilling these actions – spot abilities as they emergeBy getting into the details of the other’s story, the abilities emerge through the stories told.These emerge through detailed exploration, sharing, and co creativity of stories lived.They are accepted, as the evidence is before you in the story told.
44“We are always in the PROCESS Working with the FUTURE OF BECOMING” VygotskyWorking with the FUTURE
45Hope Focusing on becoming creates hope – I can be something different Creating possible futures is part of love as it takes as a stance that life holds riches for the future that are yours. It shows a belief in someone’s abilities and strengths to go on, survive and live a full and rich life.
46Working with the future The future is in the present.In the Future meaning grows, the meaning of events emerge.Meaning is crafted in the consequences of an action as it is lived out in the future in relationships.The future creates present action Dewey talks about END - in – VIEWVygotsky -- We are always in the PROCESS OF BECOMING
48Dreaming Use DREAMING instead of solutions as different language game. Dewey – Reflexive Imagination which increases choices for living. Don’t think of just one future, think of 4/5 when values and relationships are harmonisedCreates Zones of Proximal Development where people can experiment with a different identity and life trajectoryImagery stimulates the oxytocin pathways
49Dreams are:Often Unrealistic, Idealistic – hopeful and create possibilitiesEnergising & Fun & Playful –life givingEmotion is positive, enthusiasm, person feels valuedEverything is possibleCan’t failValues are livedFragmentary
50Dreaming the future therapeutically Go 10 – 15 years hence – gets away from as yet unsolved problemsTalk about future in present tense.Tell a reassuring story – you are a mature adult leading a really happy competent life, suggest all problems gone so how are they now relating to family/friends etc.Be as unrealistic / creative as desire, enjoy the metaphors look at meaning in metaphor.
51Curiosity about the future So it is 2020 … where are you living which community/country? What sort of house/apartment? What does it look like? Are you married , do you have children? Etc etc What job are you doing?Great detail – like a video – 3D experienceCreate the details of dreams by asking lots of detailed questionsWhen person located in living the future as nowBack light – work slowly back to the present -- Ask about how managed to get there as they have already solved difficulties and created a future.Continue dreaming right up until the present day so they know what to do tomorrow.
52Witnessing and attesting We now call our Network Meetings FUTURE PLANNING MEETINGSWe invite all those who are concerned about the FUTURE of the young person – family/schools/police/SSAsk about moments of prideAsk about moments of pride and look for abilitiesFocus on abilities even in unwanted behaviours – what abilities are needed to be a good thief? – observant, fast, courage,daring, networkASK NETWORK when else noticed these abilities-GIVE EGS – when shown courage or loyaltycompliant, desperate to please
53ConclusionsWorld View – need to consider love and socialisation as love that accepts and enjoys the differences.Societally - Care for our “mothers” and our children so they are given the love and safeness they need to develop all 3 bits of their affective systems. This means from conception on.Mothers is used generically as a relational care giving role – fathers,teachers,siblings,peer groups etc
54How – just a few ideas!Pregnancy – reduce stress, violence, support, education, skills and emotional awareness.Societally to create narratives of success and survival in pressTo see people’s competences and comment on themTo give everyone hope and a futureSupport parents and children at risk of developing CD