1. Michael R. Pozesny (c) 20121 An Introduction to Family Violence – Week 10 Michael Pozesny, PhD (ABD) M.Sc., R-CPCT, CAMS, MRT, POST

2. Michael R. Pozesny (c) 20062 The Counseling - Support vs. Collusion When an assaultive person minimizes or externalizes responsibility for their violence, the facilitator must confront these distortions firmly and respectfully

3. Michael R. Pozesny (c) 20063 The Counseling - Beware Collusion Collusion is any act that intentionally or unintentionally supports bad, deceitful, or illegal behavior. Where battering has taken place, it is any act that discounts, condones, or ignores any of the tactics that batterers use to maintain power and control over their partner.

4. Michael R. Pozesny (c) 20064 The Counseling - Collusion Impacts Increased danger to the victim, children, family, and friends Victim must now protect themselves, children, etc. from the batterer as well as those in collusion Those who collude re-victimize the victim

5. Michael R. Pozesny (c) 20065 The Counseling - Collusion Impacts Collusion makes the batterer more powerful by reinforcing the abusive and violent tactics The batterer is allowed to enlist other people and systems in allowing them to control the victim The result is the creation of more barriers and elimination of support, resources, and safe places victims need to end the violence

6. Michael R. Pozesny (c) 20066 The Counseling - Collusion Impacts Prevents the batterer from being held accountable for his violence The batterer learns to and is reinforced to continue to do violence to their own being as well as the victim Everyone suffers.

7. Michael R. Pozesny (c) 20067 The Counseling - Collusion Examples “I was drunk” “I just shoved her” “I was abused as a child” “She hit me first” “She has PMS.” “She is a bad mother.” “He is a mental case.”

8. Michael R. Pozesny (c) 20068 The Counseling - Collusion Methods Not arresting when there is probable cause Not making a dual arrest when there are multiple individuals Buying into the minimizing, lying, and blaming Acting as if violence against the mother is not child abuse

9. Michael R. Pozesny (c) 20069 The Counseling - Collusion Methods Acting as if the use of violent behavior is a “private family matter” Not confronting the abuser at work, socially, etc. Not having policies, procedures, and protocols that hold the batterer accountable.

10. Michael R. Pozesny (c) 200610 The Counseling - Collusion Methods Laughing at the batterer’s jokes and stories about the victim that are demeaning, embarrassing, or humiliating to them. Not telling the batterer that making humor from their ability to make a victim suffer is disrespectful and unacceptable.

11. Michael R. Pozesny (c) 200611 The Counseling - Collusion Methods Not taking action when you know the victim is being abused and/or beaten. Pretending you did not hear, see, or know what is happening.

12. Michael R. Pozesny (c) 200612 The Counseling - Collusion Methods Not confronting the batterer about their externalized oppression when they say sexist or other oppressive things Bailing the batterer out; talking to the Judge, PO, DA, ADA, Solicitor, Protection Worker etc. in defense of their violence.

13. Michael R. Pozesny (c) 200613 The Counseling - Collusion Methods Ignoring their continued abuse of the victim Not confronting the batterer when they are name- calling or in other ways abusing the victim in front of you. Not providing the victim resources. Forcing the victim to justify their pleas for help and need for resources.

14. Michael R. Pozesny (c) 200614 The Counseling - Collusion Methods Telling the victim they need to change or also has a problem which provokes/starts/deserves the violence. “Don’t you think you…” “Did you think that when you…” “What is it you think you did to cause …”

15. Michael R. Pozesny (c) 200615 9 Ways to Collude with Abusive Men 1. “I really like him.” –Abusive people are likeable –The likeable person exerts power and control in ways that physically and/or emotionally destroy their family –Liking the abuser can be the first step toward minimizing their abuse.

16. Michael R. Pozesny (c) 200616 9 Ways to Collude with Abusive Men 2. “He is a victim.” –Many abusive people have been victimized in their lives. –The abuser needs to take responsibility now for what is happening now. –Dealing with their own victimization will not stop them from being abusive. Understanding their victims will stop the batterers from abusing their victims and help the batterers better understand themselves.

17. Michael R. Pozesny (c) 200617 9 Ways to Collude with Abusive Men 3. “She (the victim) is the perpetrator.” –The victim may not be a nice person –Men often use this as an excuse –No matter what the victim does, it does not give the batterer the right to be abusive.

18. Michael R. Pozesny (c) 200618 9 Ways to Collude with Abusive Men 4. “He is stressed out.” –Stress does not cause abuse. –Batterers who stop trying to control their families often report a reduction in stress.

19. Michael R. Pozesny (c) 200619 9 Ways to Collude with Abusive Men 5. “His life stinks. He is being oppressed by (his boss, mother, victim, etc…” –Oppression is bad –Abuse is bad –We can end oppression by dealing with oppressors, not by abusing those lower in the hierarchy

20. Michael R. Pozesny (c) 200620 9 Ways to Collude with Abusive Men 6. “If he stops his substance abuse, he will stop his violence.” –Substance abuse can dramatically increase violence –Attitudes about control and power continue with or without substance abuse. Substance abuse changes the form and/or intensity of abuse - but not its existence.

21. Michael R. Pozesny (c) 200621 9 Ways to Collude with Abusive Men 8. “It’s a problem in the family system.” –Abusers generally have family issues that need to be dealt with –Abuse maintains an inequity in power that cannot be dealt with by perceiving partners as equals –This view can lead to serious safety issues

22. Michael R. Pozesny (c) 200622 9 Ways to Collude with Abusive Men 9. “He is sorry and he is trying really hard...” –There is only one way to say you are sorry END THE ABUSE

23. Michael R. Pozesny (c) 200623 Invite the Man to Examine His own Violence Factors that prevent men from accepting responsibility for their actions: –Exaggerated sense of entitlement –Avoidance of social-emotional responsibilities in relationships –Reliance on others to face these responsibilities in relationships –Attribution of responsibility to others, events of factors over which he feels little control

24. Michael R. Pozesny (c) 200624 Invite the Man to Examine his own Violence Ask him: –“Do you think it would be helpful if you understood what has stopped you from achieving your goals?” –“How would his help you?” –“Would you help me understand the ways that you have been trying to build this kind of relationship?” –“Are there times when you feel you have been successful? –“What has stopped you or got in the way?”

25. Michael R. Pozesny (c) 200625 Invite the Man to Examine his own Violence Ask him: –“What effect has your violence had on your marriage?” –“What effect has your violence had on respect, trust, safety, caring, and love aspects of your relationship?” –“What effect has your violence had on you and how you feel about yourself?”

26. Michael R. Pozesny (c) 200626 Invite the Man to Examine his own Violence Ask him: –“What effect do you think your violence has had on your partner?” –“What effect do you think your violence has had on your partner’s feelings of respect, trust, love, and safety?

27. Michael R. Pozesny (c) 200627 Promoting Safety and Non-Violence Ask him: –“What would you need to do to get violence and abuse out of your relationship once and for all? –“How could you prove to yourself and others that you can take responsibility yourself to prevent violence?”

28. Michael R. Pozesny (c) 200628 Promoting Safety and Non-Violence Ask him: –“What would be the best point to take action to put the brakes on in an argument? –“What signs will tell you it is time to exit from the argument?”

29. Michael R. Pozesny (c) 200629 Promoting Safety and Non-Violence Introduce the concept of “Time-out”: –Requires a pre-arranged plan with his partner whereby at any early warning sign or risk of violence, he will signal that he is physically separating himself from her in order to take responsibility for his own behavior and calm himself. Introduce the concept of “Copping Out” –Not facing the issues, not dealing with them.

30. Michael R. Pozesny (c) 200630 Promoting Safety and Non-Violence Ask –“What could you do to demonstrate to yourself, your partner, and your kids that you put safety first?” –“How could you prove to yourself and to them they are safe from violence and abuse no matter what they say or do?”

31. Michael R. Pozesny (c) 200631 Promoting Safety and Non-Violence Ask –“How could you prove to yourself and to them no matter how hurt or angry you feel that you can handle disappointments, differences, and arguments without resorting to violence or abuse?” –“How would you know if anyone in the family was scared of you? How do you convince them they are safe?”

32. Michael R. Pozesny (c) 200632 Promoting Safety and Non-Violence Ask –“How do you know you can stand on your own two feet and you don’t need your partner to look after your feelings for you?” –“What warning signs do you see in yourself”

33. Michael R. Pozesny (c) 200633 Promoting Safety and Non-Violence Ask –“How can you prove to your partner you can respect their feelings, opinions, beliefs, and ideas?” –“How can you prove to your partner you can accept and encourage their own independence?” –How can you prove you want to share in the responsibility of family?

34. Michael R. Pozesny (c) 200634 Promoting Safety and Non-Violence Ask –“What will be the most difficult tests of your resolve to prove to her you do not want to own her? –“What have been your past abuse triggers?” –“How will you convince your partner you take responsibility for your past abuse?”

35. Michael R. Pozesny (c) 200635 Promoting Safety and Non-Violence Ask –“Would it be safer for your partner and for your progress for your partner to make contact or for you to try and make contact? –“If you kept your distance, what message do you think this would send to your partner?”

36. Michael R. Pozesny (c) 200636 Demonstrating Sensitivity What do you think it is like –living in constant fear? –worrying about your partner’s moods? –humiliated in front of your family? –treated as a nothing?