1. 2008 Family Specialists Workshop on Communication and Agreement Building Albuquerque (5/08) John Reiman, Ph.D. National Consortium on Deaf- Blindness (NCDB) Mediation Specialist, CADRE*

2. 2 *CADRE is the OSEP-funded National Center on Dispute Resolution in Special Education. The materials presented herein are adapted from presentations made nationwide by CADRE and the NASDSE Partnership.

3. 3 Today’s Objectives  Participants will gain awareness of styles for relating to tension and conflict.  Participants will gain awareness of ‘listening to understand’ as an essential relationship, communication, coalition-building and advocacy tool.  Participants will gain awareness of the difference between ‘positions’ and ‘interests’ – and how this difference powerfully impacts coalition-building, communication and advocacy.  Participants will, through discussion, relate workshop content to their own experiences.  Participant will be introduced to the CADRE Continuum

4. 4 A Few Guidelines  Allow each other to finish speaking  Speak for ourselves  “Pass” anytime  Dialogue vs. monologue  Back from breaks  Provide JR feedback as needed

5. 5 I Hope to Keep your Interest

6. 6 Assumptions…  Different cultures may have differing perspectives on conflict and how it’s most appropriately approached  Conflict is a healthy reflection of a diverse and changing society  Most parent/school relationships are or can be positive and mutually respectful  Skills can be acquired for productive relationships (personnel prep and parents nationwide) – simple and complex

7. 7 Assumptions…  Early opportunities exist to collaboratively address differing viewpoints on how to best serve the child  Parents should know laws/regulations for advocacy – and adversarial processes should be reserved for situations where other options have been exhausted  The cost of adversarial processes, when necessary, can be high in personal, relationship and financial costs

8. 8 Sphere of Conflict Data Conflicts Interest Conflicts Structural Conflicts Value Conflicts Relationship Conflicts

9. 9 Types of Conflict Relationship Conflicts  Occur because of strong negative emotions, misperceptions/stereotypes, poor communication, or repetitive negative behaviors  Often fuel disputes and lead to escalating spiral of conflict

10. 10 Types of Conflict Data Conflicts  Occur with lack of information to make wise decisions, misinformation, disagreement on which data is relevant, interpretation differences, competing assessment procedures  Some data conflicts unnecessary - caused by poor communication: others may be genuine incompatibilities associated with data collection, interpretation or communication

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21. 21 Types of Conflict Interest Conflicts (Orange)  Occur when one or more of the parties believe that in order to satisfy his or her needs, the needs and interests of an opponent must be sacrificed  Interest-based conflicts may occur over substantive issues (such as money, physical resources, time, etc.); procedural issues (the way the dispute is to be resolved); and psychological issues (perceptions of trust, fairness, desire for participation, respect, etc.)

22. 22 Types of Conflict Structural Conflicts  Caused by forces external to the people (limited physical resources or authority, geographic constraints (distance or proximity), time (too little or too much), organizational changes, etc.

23. 23 Types of Conflict Value Conflicts  Occur around incompatible belief systems. Values are beliefs that people use to explain what is "good" or "bad," "right" or "wrong," "just" or "unjust." Differing values need not cause conflict.  Value disputes arise when people attempt to force one set of values on others or lay claim to exclusive value systems that do not allow for different beliefs

24. 24 One Definition of Conflict “Any situation in which people have apparently incompatible interests, goals, principles, or feelings... ”

25. 25 Increasing Intensity Levels  Level One: Differences  Level Two: Misunderstandings  Level Three: Disagreements  Level Four: Discord  Level Five: Polarizations From Becoming a Conflict Competent Leader (2007), Runde & Flanagan, Josey-Bass, pp67-80)

26. 26 Level One: Differences  When two people see a situation differently, understand the other party’s position and interests well, and feel no discomfort regarding this difference.

27. 27 Level Two: Misunderstandings  Times or situations where what is understood by one party is different than what is understood by the other party.

28. 28 Level Three: Disagreements  When two people see a situation differently and, regardless of how well they understand the other’s position and interests, feels discomfort that the other party disagrees.

29. 29 Level Four: Discord  Situations where the conflict causes difficulties in the relationship of the people involved – even when they are not dealing with the original conflict.

30. 30 Level Five: Polarization  Conflict situations characterized by severe negative emotions and behavior with little or no hope for reconciliation.

31. 31 The Five Conflict Handling Modes Relationship Goals Personal Goals Compromising ControllingCollaborating AccommodatingAvoiding Source: Thomas- Killman Conflict Mode Instrument

32. 32 Avoiding What is it: –Sidestep, postpone, or withdraw from the issue for the present When to use it? –When potential harm outweighs benefits to resolve –When time is needed to collect information or cool down Personal Goals Relationship Goals

33. 33 Accommodating What is it? –Sacrifice your own personal goals to satisfy the concerns of the other(s) –Yield to another point of view When to use it? –When relationships are most important –Reach a quick, temporary solution Personal Goals Relationship Goals

34. 34 Controlling What is it? –Pursue own ends without agreement of others –Achieving one’s personal goals paramount When to use it? –When unpopular actions must be implemented –When your family or organization’s welfare is at stake Personal Goals Relationship Goals

35. 35 Compromising What is it? –Quick, mutually acceptable alternatives –Both parties give up something When to use it? –When two parties of equal power are strongly committed to mutually exclusive goals –To achieve temporary solutions to complex issues Personal Goals Relationship Goals

36. 36 Collaborating What is it? –Identifying concerns of each person and finding alternatives that meet both sets of needs –Finding a solution that fully satisfies needs and concerns of both people When to use it? –When relationships & issues are both important –To gain commitment and acceptance for a high-quality decision Personal Goals Relationship Goals

37. 37 Scenario 1 Your son, who is in the sixth grade, wants to grow his hair long and pierce his nose.

38. 38 Scenario 2 You have asked the school principal to have your child with a disability included and involved in more classes with children who do not have disabilities. The principal says she does not have the staff to provide your child with an aide which would be necessary if your child were to attend those classes.

39. 39 Scenario 3 You want to take a vacation to the mountains, but your spouse/partner wants to use the vacation time to visit his/her ailing mother.

40. 40 Scenario 4 You have been given additional responsibilities at work. Your boss has indicated that the company might be willing to give you a small hourly raise. You believe that the additional duties indicate a higher raise.

41. 41 The Five Conflict Handling Modes Relationship Goals Personal Goals Compromising ControllingCollaborating AccommodatingAvoiding Source: Thomas-Killman Conflict Mode Instrument

42. 42 Listening

43. 43 “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” Stephen Covey, “Habit 5” Seven Habits of Highly Effective People

44. 44 Listening to Understand Instruction: Identify a situation/issue that you have/had strong thoughts and feelings about, and are comfortable sharing here today (pick manageable issue.)

45. 45 1. Ordering 2. Threatening 3. Moralizing 4. Advice 5. Logical Argument 6. Questions High Risk Responses (listening?) 7. Judging 8. Praising 9. Name Calling 10. Diagnosing 11. Reassuring 12. Diverting

46. 46 Certain Responses …  Derail the conversation  Take the focus off the other  Block the other from finding a solution  Lower the other’s self-esteem  Distance your self from the other  Diminish the other’s motivation

47. 47 Listening to Understand Following the thoughts and feelings of others to understand what they are saying from their perspective, frame of reference, or point of view. Dignity and Respect

48. 48 Listening Problem Solving  Sometimes speakers just need to be heard  Sometimes listening clears up confusion  Sometimes listening identifies a need for problem solving

49. 49 Listening to Understand (Exercise Set-Up)  Pair up. Choose “A” and “B”.  “A” – Identify a situation/issue that you have/had strong thoughts and feelings about, and are comfortable sharing here today (pick manageable issue.)  “B” – Seek to understand what is powerful in the situation for “A” as a human being, and communicate your understanding to “A.”

50. 50 Listening to Understand (Do’s)  Maintain curious inquiring mind about “A”  Put personal opinions, beliefs, and judgments about “A’s” situation aside – not relevant  Find the heart of “A’s” experience by listening for what's 'behind' the situation. Listen to understand “A”, not the situation.  Use silence... wait  Let “A” know you “get” what is personally powerful for him/her from the situation  Name the EMOTION you believe that “A” is experiencing

51. 51 Listening to Understand (Avoid)  Interrupting  Debating or trying to fix it for “A”  Sliding opinion in under guise of listening  4 C’s: Contesting, Convincing, Convicting or Converting  Rehearsing response – it will come  Too many questions = not listening  Confusing yourself with “A” (projection makes perception)

52. 52 Exercise (beyond paraphrasing and reflection) 1. 'A' -- Share situation succinctly (2 minutes) 2. 'B' -- Feedback your ‘ reach for understanding’ : Use expressions like, "Sounds like...." Read between the lines (1 minute) 3. 'A' - Correct or validate “B’s” attempt to “know what you mean.” Share more of situation. Educate “B” so “B” can “get it” fully. 4. 'B' – Feedback more ‘ reach for understanding’ 5. Repeat Steps 3 & 4 until “A” reports feeling heard and understood.

53. 53 Positions & Interests

54. 54 Positions & Interests Position Specific solution proposed to resolve problem - the “WHAT” Interest Underlying real need/desire that gives position its life (i.e., beliefs, expectations, values, fears, priorities, hopes, concerns) – the “WHY”

55. 55 Positions & Interests

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57. 57 Sample Positions:  “The target level for appropriate interactions in my classroom must remain at 50%.”  “We want an American Sign Language interpreter in that English Lit class.”  “I demand an apology now!”  “Rob has a right to a full time instructional assistant next term”

58. 58 Finding the Interests Question, question, question…  "Why is that solution so important for you?“  Why are you suggesting…?  "What would you accomplish in getting what you want?"  "What if that did/didn't happen?”  “How will you be affected by…?”  “Imagine that you got ___________; what would be taken care of?”

59. 59 Finding the Interests  What need is the person taking this position attempting to satisfy?  What is motivating the person?  What is the person trying to accomplish?  What is the person afraid will happen if a demand is not fulfilled?

60. 60 Demonstration Identify participant positions and interests.

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62. 62 Power Imbalances Inherent in Conflict  Actual and perceived power may differ  Participants may not be equipped/supported to participate effectively  Cultural differences may contribute  Recognize there are formal and informal forms of power

63. 63 Power Imbalances Addressing Power Imbalances  Well-facilitated processes and trained participants  Relationships well-built help overcome imbalance  Power Imbalances may be so extreme that the insertion of a third party may be necessary

64. 64 Cultural Competence  Strategies to address cultural competency range from the policy to the program to the personal level  Cultural competence is a process, not an outcome

65. 65 Cultural Competence: Bottom Line  Platinum Rule: Do unto others as they would have you do unto them.

66. 66 Student Involvement “Nothing about me without me.”  Fundamentally important  Capacity for participation varies  Advantages of participation  Challenges with participation

67. 67 To listen a soul into disclosure and discovery is the greatest service one human can do for another. Quaker saying