1. www.Seasons.org.au Seasons in Church Parkhill Conflict Principles that work Andrew Boutros

2. www.Seasons.org.au Seasons in Church Parkhill Conflict background We all experience conflict and the feelings that go with it: churn inside, lose sleep, high blood pressure, stress, uncomfortableness, anger etc. Conflict is normal eg. marriage – different ways of thinking, different values, priorities etc

3. www.Seasons.org.au Seasons in Church Parkhill Conflict background Some conflict is malicious (pride, power..) Some conflict is unintentional (miscommunication misunderstanding). Some conflict is necessary Eph 4:26 Speak truthfully (in love) Anger is an emotion connected with conflict that is not wrong in itself - Must be managed and self controlled Eph 4:26.. in your anger do not sin

4. www.Seasons.org.au Seasons in Church Parkhill Levels of Conflict Every conflict is fought at one of these levels: We can move from one _____ to another. We should aim for the _______ level acceptable. Needs level means we can _____ with those who have ___________views as us. Power Principle Needs level lowest live differing

5. www.Seasons.org.au Seasons in Church Parkhill 1.When did Jesus use power in a conflict? 2.When did Jesus use principle? 3.When did Jesus compromise on principle to meet a persons need? Questions

6. www.Seasons.org.au Seasons in Church Parkhill 4. Explain these stories in terms or Power Principle and Need: a)Jesus eats grain and heals on the sabbath. b)Jesus turns the tables in the temple. c)Jesus has lunch with Zacheus and mixes with prostitutes and tax collectors. d)Jesus encounter with the rich young ruler who goes away sad because Jesus tells him he has to give away all his wealth. Questions

7. www.Seasons.org.au Seasons in Church Parkhill Neo Cortex The brain

8. www.Seasons.org.au Seasons in Church Parkhill The brain The Amygdala – is the ________ part. The Neo Cortex the __________ part. Neo Cortex feeling thinking

9. www.Seasons.org.au Seasons in Church Parkhill The brain _______________________ causes a response from both parts of the brain The path to the amygdala is _______ and ___________ (hard to reverse) This compromises the ability the Neo Cortex work without _____. Neo Cortex Arousal/stimulation faster bias powerful

10. www.Seasons.org.au Seasons in Church Parkhill Minimising the influence of the Amygdala. When addressing conflict consider ______ of the day _____– older or younger _______________– child parent, boss (power) _________– unresolved conflict, preconceived ideas Time Age Relationship History

11. www.Seasons.org.au Seasons in Church Parkhill Minimising the influence of the Amygdala. When addressing conflict consider _______________type – Sanguine - lies Melancholic- critical Choleric - Threats of anger Phlegmatic - procrastination ___________– time of day, deliberate meeting, no text, emails etc Personality Setting

12. www.Seasons.org.au Seasons in Church Parkhill Conflict behaviour survey

13. www.Seasons.org.au Seasons in Church Parkhill Conflict Styles Goal Relationship (1,9) 1 9 9 1 (9,9) (5,5) (1,1) (9,1) Collaboration Your Way No Way Compromise My Way

14. www.Seasons.org.au Seasons in Church Parkhill Conflict Styles The preferable order of styles is All styles are __________ at times. We need to understand our ________ and ___________ at each style. 1. (9,9) Collaboration 2. (5,5) Compromise 3. (1,9) Your Way 5. (1,1) No way 4. (9,1) My Way relevant preference proficiency

15. www.Seasons.org.au Seasons in Church Parkhill Biblical principles Biblical process: Matthew 18 one on one, witness, church leadership. (Advocates and mediation can escalate a conflict.) __________ and _____________ one without the other not complete. (Solve a problem as well as minimise a conflct.) ________________ take responsibility even if no malice was intended If malice – repay 4X? (Zacchaeus) Resolve Reconcile Restitution

16. www.Seasons.org.au Seasons in Church Parkhill Biblical principles “Will you _______me” or “_____”. One empowers the injured to give forgiveness. The other does not acknowledge malice. _____ needs to be built over time. Lack of trust does not equate to a lack of forgiveness. A lack of progress does equate to a lack of forgiveness. forgivesorry Trust

17. www.Seasons.org.au Seasons in Church Parkhill Tips that work Know when to ________or __________ Paul and Barnabus kept on serving God but separately. Healthy boundaries In marriage withdrawal must be supervised ___________with the right person no second hand communication. withdrawget out Negotiate

18. www.Seasons.org.au Seasons in Church Parkhill Tips that work Keep ____________. How big an issue is it? Is it worth making a principle of it? Is it worth using power on this? (Soap) __________is the greatest tool in reducing conflict. Laugh! Never use _____or _______except for information or facts. (remember the amygdala) perspective Humour textemail

19. www.Seasons.org.au Seasons in Church Parkhill

20. Conflict behaviour survey

21. www.Seasons.org.au Seasons in Church Parkhill Conflict Styles Conflict Style CalledWhose way 9,9 5,5 1,9 9,1 1,1 Collaboration Compromise Yield Win/lose AvoidNo Way My Way Your Way Our Way Third Way

22. www.Seasons.org.au Seasons in Church Parkhill Issues for Resolving (is more about the Goal) Conflict Style RequiresClimateDesirables 9,9 5,5 9,1 1,1 Cooperation Good will Pragmatism Desire to resolve Power Clear Authority A mandate No alternative Creativity Negotiating Skills Leadership Skills Thick Skin

23. www.Seasons.org.au Seasons in Church Parkhill Issues for Reconciling (is more about the relationship) Conflict Style RequiresClimateDesirables 9,9 5,5 1,9 1,1 Encouragement Enthusiasm Empathy Care /love Humility Gratitude Sacrifice Acceptance Engagement Reciprocation Indebtedness Resilience

24. www.Seasons.org.au Seasons in Church Parkhill Restitution issues Required to gain forgiveness Malice or accident

25. www.Seasons.org.au Seasons in Church Parkhill Restoration Issues Allow Time – process of building. Don’t have expectations – (may be better than before may be 80% - which is better than nothing!!)

26. www.Seasons.org.au Seasons in Church Parkhill Related Issues Anger tantrums – issue is self contol Grace – does not mean walk over me. Negative people – find each other… ) Depression Meaning of tolerance – do I have to embrace it? Virtues/Values – the difference Venting.- does it help? Mediation and Advocacy.

27. www.Seasons.org.au Seasons in Church Parkhill Case Studies 1.Principal – accused of an affair. What should happen? 2.Senior Staff member feels threatened by Principal – major public conflict arises. 3.Senior Pastor accused of manipulating a home loan for personal gain – problem escalates.

28. www.Seasons.org.au Seasons in Church Parkhill Case Studies (public) 1.StKilda player charged with rape – innocent until proven guilty and unfairly dismissed or had he broken his contract? 2. Fevola, Tiger – how did each party handle the conflict? 3.Peter Garret and the Insulation scheme. Should he resign?