1. A-HEM!

2. DearlyBe-puzzled,

3. we are gathered here today

4. to join this plumber

5. and this princess

6. in holy mushroom-ony.

7. If any here has reason

8. why these two should not

9. be so joined,

10. speak now

11. or forever hold your peace.

12. Before we proceed,

13. I would like to say a few words...

14. Those of you gathered here have known Peach and Mario for many years and you know that they are a couple whose love cannot be stopped by time, distance or giant psychopathic dragons and armies of brainwashed mushrooms. One piranha plant after another has tried to come between them, countless Boombas have self-detonated near them, and those weird bouncy Koopas with the wings have bounded over their heads. Yea, their journey to this point has crossed mountains, valleys, and treetop kingdoms - they have been shrunk when they ran into various things, enlarged when they ran into other things, and occasionally fallen off cliffs while making an “Oh NO!” face. Nonetheless, their love endures and we all know they would do anything for one another. Even wear that strange raccoon suit. Seriously, all God’s creatures are great and wonderful, but I’ve never seen a raccoon-bear that could turn into a stone statue for a few seconds, during which it remained invulnerable. And how can you fly if you can also turn into stone? It just doesn’t make sense. I think that...

15. Do you, Peach,

16. take Mario

17. to be your lawful wedded plumber...

18. BWA-HA-HA!

19. Mario: Mamma Mia!

20. Bowser: I’m sorry, Mario,

21. but your wedding is in another chapel!

22. Toad: Remain calm!

23. Every wedding has something go awry!

24. All employees of Metaphysical Fungus Event Planners

25. (specializing in royal weddings and interspecies hostage negotiation)

26. are trained in exemplary catering,

27. tasteful design, AND

28. sensitive negotiations with giant psychopathic dragons.

29. But we need your help!

30. The path through the mushroom kingdom is full of puzzles.

31. Our spies tell us that Mario will need certain items

32. to break into the location where Peach is being held.

33. The puzzles are the key to finding those items.

34. Mario is great at jumping on mutant mushrooms

35. but lousy at solving puzzles.

36. He needs you to solve the puzzles

37. and help find Peach!

38. Please send one representative from your team to me for more information.