1. Effective Conflict Engagement: Building stronger partnerships through interpersonal communication TRAIN THE TRAINER 2010

2. Goals Increase self-awareness of conflict behaviors Gain skills for engaging with conflict more constructively Improve the quality of your collaborative relationships TRAIN THE TRAINER 2010

3. Agenda: Thomas Kilmann Instrument: Getting to Know Yourself and Your Team Positions and Interests: Getting to Good Conversation 3 Conversations: What happened Emotions and Feelings Identity TRAIN THE TRAINER 2010

4. Thomas Kilmann Instrument: Getting to Know Yourself and Your Team TRAIN THE TRAINER 2010

5. Thomas Kilmann Conflict Model TRAIN THE TRAINER 2010

6. Agenda: Thomas Kilmann Instrument: Getting to Know Yourself and Your Team Positions and Interests: Getting to Good Conversation 3 Conversations: What happened Emotions and Feelings Identity TRAIN THE TRAINER 2010

7. Positions and Interests: Getting to Good Conversation TRAIN THE TRAINER 2010

8. What are the positions? TRAIN THE TRAINER 2010

9. What were they really after? TRAIN THE TRAINER 2010

10. Positions My Solution or What I want Those outcomes or solutions that someone states at the outset must be achieved Positions vs. Interests TRAIN THE TRAINER 2010 Interests What I need or Why I Want It The range of concerns underlying each person’s desired solutions or outcomes. Often unstated, but must be satisfied in order for an agreement or outcome to be a good one.

11. YourinterestsMyinterests ZOPA Your YourpositionMyposition Adaptation from Harvard Negotiation Project Zone of Possible Agreement The Zopa TRAIN THE TRAINER 2010

12. Examples 4. I’m not signing this contract. 3. No, I can’t work late tonight. 2. I want the window closed. TRAIN THE TRAINER 2010 1. You can’t park here! 5. You’ll need to make sure that you have everyone’s consent before you can start any of the planning.

13. How Can We Talk About This? You can’t park here! I want the window closed Interests to Issues TRAIN THE TRAINER 2010

14. Exercise As a team, determine the following: What were the positions? What were the interests? How could you frame the interests into issues? TRAIN THE TRAINER 2010 Recall a Conflict You’ve Had in the Past

15. Uncovering Interests Putting yourself in their shoes and trying to guess what their interests might be. Asking Questions TRAIN THE TRAINER 2010 Can you help me better understand the importance this has to you? Can you tell me more about your concern? Can you tell me more about your goals? What will this help you to achieve? Can you help me better understand the importance this has to you? Can you tell me more about your concern? Can you tell me more about your goals? What will this help you to achieve?

16. How does considering interests and issues change the way you might have approached the problem? Additional Questions TRAIN THE TRAINER 2010

17. Agenda: Thomas Kilmann Instrument: Getting to Know Yourself and Your Team Positions and Interests: Getting to Good Conversation 3 Conversations: What happened Emotions and Feelings Identity TRAIN THE TRAINER 2010

18. 3 Conversations: What Happened? TRAIN THE TRAINER 2010

19. Point 1 Count the number of times the team in white passes the ball between members Basketball Video TRAIN THE TRAINER 2010 Point 2 No Talking Point 3 Keep your observations, estimates to yourself

20. Point 1 Do not count the passes, let your gaze wander Basketball Video, continued TRAIN THE TRAINER 2010 Point 2 Observe the scene with no particular objective in mind

21. Naïve Realism If others don’t share my views, its because they are: Crazy (non rational) Stupid Trying to fool me Other rational people see things as I do I see reality, and my actions and beliefs are based on a rational interpretation of reality. TRAIN THE TRAINER 2010

22. You are wrong! I am right… TRAIN THE TRAINER 2010

23. “I know he meant to do that!” The Intention Invention TRAIN THE TRAINER 2010

25. Blaming is a distraction. The Blame Frame TRAIN THE TRAINER 2010

26. The Contribution System What can we both do about it going forward? Focus on understanding the situation: What did each of us do or not do to get ourselves here? What did I contribute? TRAIN THE TRAINER 2010 ` ` Blame v. Contribution? Judgment v. Understanding Past v. Future Repeat v. Learning Power comes from seeing how you created a situation. All we do is behave All behavior is chosen All we can give another person is information Power comes from seeing how you created a situation. All we do is behave All behavior is chosen All we can give another person is information

27. Step 1 Think about a recent conflict and how you contributed. Contribution Exercise TRAIN THE TRAINER 2010 Step 2 Describe the conflict to a partner in one minute. Step 3 Share another minute discussing how you contributed to the conflict. Step 4 Partner raise your hand if they hear blame.

28. The Truth Assumption TRAIN THE TRAINER 2010 The Intention Invention The Blame Frame Only Hypotheses …

29. Different Information Different Interpretations Be curious Certainty to Curiosity TRAIN THE TRAINER 2010

30. Think about an interaction you had with a partner and how all or one of these assumptions (truth, intention invention, blame frame) impacted what you said or did Work as a group to come up with what you would do differently the next time if the same situation were to arise Group Reflection TRAIN THE TRAINER 2010

31. Agenda: Thomas Kilmann Instrument: Getting to Know Yourself and Your Team Positions and Interests: Getting to Good Conversation 3 Conversations: What happened Emotions and Feelings Identity TRAIN THE TRAINER 2010

32. Emotions and Feelings in Conflict TRAIN THE TRAINER 2010

33. What happens with emotions? TRAIN THE TRAINER 2010

34. Adaptado de Francisco Ingouville

36. So what can we do? TRAIN THE TRAINER 2010

37. Active listening Receive information Send it back to verify it What you believe you understand needs to be confirmed by the speaker. Your task is to filter or decipher information and get confirmation that what you think you hear is correct. TRAIN THE TRAINER 2010

38. Why? Make sure the speaker feels heard Invite speaker to move the conversation to those places that are important to her Help the speaker reflect upon his own perspective Make sure the listener has understood correctly Create willingness for dialogue Help manage emotion TRAIN THE TRAINER 2010

39. How? Reflecting content Paraphrasing (extracting interests) SummarizingAsking Good Questions Reflecting Feelings TRAIN THE TRAINER 2010

40. Love Anger Hurt Fear Joy Sadness Feelings: What’s in a name? TRAIN THE TRAINER 2010

41. Love: Affectionate, caring, close, proud, passionate. Anger: Frustrated, exasperated, enraged, indignant. Hurt: Let down, betrayed, disappointed, needy. Fear: Anxious, terrified, worried, obsessed, suspicious. Joy: Happy, enthusiastic, full, elated, content. Sadness: Bereft, wistful, joyless, depressed. There is more to it than that. TRAIN THE TRAINER 2010

42. Player 1 Talk about getting everything ready for your trip to come here. Active Listening Exercise TRAIN THE TRAINER 2010 Player 2 Try out you reflective listening tools

43. Easy right? Now, listen to what you don’t want to hear. TRAIN THE TRAINER 2010

44. Step 1 Player 1: Think of a dream. Tell player 2 about your dream. Exercise: Listen TRAIN THE TRAINER 2010 Step 3 Player 1: Use active listening to get more information. Step 2 Player 2: Tell Player 1 why his/her dream will never work.

45. TRAIN THE TRAINER 2010

46. How might this influence the course of a conflict conversation? VS