1. 1 Leadership and Vision Early Childhood Leadership Development Institute © Statewide Parent Advocacy Network 2005

2. 2 Introductions State your name, age(s) of your child(ren), and why you are participating in this leadership retreat Identify one thing you would like to learn/get out of your participation today

3. 3 Mission of Project Support parents of young children who want a stronger voice in the services their children receive, to improve services for all young children in their community. Empower and support families who want to become prepared to serve in a variety of leadership roles, working collaboratively with involved professionals, in the fields of early intervention; child care and other early childhood education; health; and child welfare and family strengthening.

4. 4 Goals of Project Learn about New Jersey’s early care and education systems, Identify other state and local resources for young children and families, meet other parents and professionals in leadership roles, Develop leadership skills such as public speaking, serving on a task force or advisory board, or acting as a mentor to another parent.

5. 5 Developing a Vision Set aside, for the moment, the specific reason you chose to participate in parent leadership development training. Open your minds to reflect on your life's journey thus far, your family, and your experiences. Close your eyes. Imagine that you are going up in a hot air balloon or just floating up over your life. Look down on your family and your current life. What do you see? Where are you? What are you doing? What is your family doing? Where are your children? What are they doing? Now think about what it is you want for your children, for today and for their future. Consider their health, their education, their social and emotional development. What is the one thing that you think is most important for them today?

6. 6 Sharing your Experiences Work in groups of 3 Discuss 3 positive & 3 negative experiences you have had to date in trying to advocate for your child Capture on flip chart

7. 7 Working together in shared leadership Think of a time when you had a successful partnership to accomplish your goals… –What did you bring to the partnership? –What did your partner bring? –How did you know it was working? –What were/are the benefits of working with someone as opposed to working on your own?

8. 8 Who is a parent leader? Committed to making positive changes in his/her family, community, &/or system Represents a parent voice, not a staff role

9. 9 Shared leadership is important because: Multiple perspectives & diverse strengths and talents are combined to achieve goals Families know how systems really work “ on the ground ”

10. 10 We learn leadership in many ways Learn from others who serve as role models Learn from formal training “ Just do it ”

11. 11 Continuum of Leadership Level 1: Strengthening individual knowledge & skills Level 2: Promoting community education Level 3: Educating Providers Level 4: Fostering coalitions & networks Level 5: Changing organizational practices Level 6: Influencing policy & legislation

12. 12 Level 1: Strengthening individual knowledge & skills Enhancing individual capability to parent and advocate for our children

13. 13 Level 2: Promoting Community Education Reaching groups of people with information & resources to promote healthy child development and education

14. 14 Level 3: Educating Providers Informing providers who will transmit skills & knowledge to others

15. 15 Level 4: Fostering Coalitions & Networks Convening groups & individuals for broader goals & greater impact

16. 16 Level 5: Changing organizational practices Adopting regulations & shaping norms to improve outcomes

17. 17 Level 6: Influencing Policy & legislation Developing strategies to change laws & policies to influence outcomes

18. 18 Practices of Exemplary Leadership I. Challenging the process II. Inspiring a shared vision III. Enabling others to act IV. Modeling the Way V. Encouraging the heart In pairs, answer “ I acted this way when I… ”

19. 19 Pathways to Parent Leadership Critical supports: –Contact with other parents in leadership roles –Opportunities to take on leadership roles, however small, & safe settings to practice them –Relationship with respected & trusted person who provides feedback & support –Sense of belonging

20. 20 Ten Steps to Success 1.Commitment leading to participation, growth & change 2.A sense of belonging 3.Exposure to other parents who demonstrate leadership behaviors & are acknowledged as leaders 4.Recognition of the need to take action 5.Encouragement from others who view the parent as a leader

21. 21 Ten Steps to Success 6.Taking action 7.Receiving positive feedback & support from trusted others who “ mirror back ” the strengths & leadership skills displayed in earlier actions 8.Continuing to take action & receive supportive feedback 9.Growing stronger & more confident as a leader 10.Becoming a role model for other parents

22. 22 Sampling of Issues for Early Childhood Parent Leaders Early intervention: proposed changes in family cost share Early childhood education: expansion of universal preschool for 3 and 4 year olds, and improving availability of affordable, high quality childcare Early elementary education: improving quality of education Health coverage and health services: Expanding State Child Health Insurance Program (Family Care) availability and ensuring all eligible children and families are enrolled; increasing quality of health services Mental Health services: making positive social-emotional development and mental health services more universally available to all children, especially young children, and increasing partnerships across schools and health providers Child welfare reform: making family strengthening and family support programs more universally available for all families

23. 23 Roles for parent leaders Role model for other parents Co-trainers Contributor to materials Participant at conferences, meeting Paid consultant Grant reviewer Participant in evaluation & quality improvement activities

24. 24 Roles for parent leaders Participant in needs/strengths assessment processes Advocate for individuals, families, programs, system change Participant in focus groups Advisory Board or Board member Witness at public hearings Public speaker Media interviewee/spokesperson

25. 25 Understanding yourself Self-Awareness: Effective leaders know themselves (who am I? What am I doing here? What are my goals, purposes, expectations, motivations, and how do they fit into the group? What strengths or challenges do I bring? How can I use and improve my leadership capacity?) They know their own strengths and limitations, and make space for other leaders with skills and expertise they lack.

26. 26 You as a leader What are your strengths? What is the one thing you can most contribute as a leader? –Think about your communication skills, your ability to develop team spirit, to bring people together, your ability to problem solve, to see new solutions, your capacity to inspire others. What is the one thing you most want to work on to improve yourself as a leader?

27. 27 Step 1 in Leadership Development Once you have learned to advocate for your own child, the next step in developing your leadership skills is usually providing support to another parent. Developing effective listening skills is key to supporting other parents – and will prove helpful as you move up the leadership and advocacy ladders!

28. 28 LISTENING: A LEADERSHIP SKILL Listening is a skill in which a person voluntarily and consciously gives his/her attention to another so s/he can hear what is being said. It is not a natural art, but something that is learned and can be improved upon. Besides being able to hear what is being said, it is equally important to hear what is not being said.

29. 29 Listening Following the thoughts and feelings of others to understand what they are saying from their perspective, frame of reference, or point of view…and why it ’ s important to them Dignity and Respect

30. 30 THE HEART OF LISTENING The HEART of listening is: –Empathy, caring & respect The MAIN RULE of listening is: –Keep the focus on the OTHER

31. 31 LISTENING  PROBLEM SOLVING Sometimes parents just need to be heard. Sometimes listening clears up confusion. Sometimes listening identifies a need for problem-solving.

32. 32 “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” Stephen Covey, “Habit 5” Seven Habits of Highly Effective People

33. 33 The Chinese characters that make up the verb “ to listen ” tell us something about this skill.

34. 34 Listening Listening for the heart… with the heart…

35. 35 To See (or Hear) Clearly It is only with the heart that one can see clearly; what is essential is invisible to the eye. –The Little Prince Antoine de Saint Exupery

36. 36 Listening You can ’ t do two things at once if one of them is listening. You can ’ t listen if you are trying to figure out what to say. You can ’ t listen if you are assuming.

37. 37 Listening Think of a time when someone listened to you. What did he/she do that made you feel s/he was listening? What was his/her attitude toward you?

38. 38 Three basic skill clusters for reflective listening are: Attending skills Following skills Responding skills

39. 39 Attending Skills Posture Contact (distance, eyes, touch) Gestures Environment Interested silence

40. 40 Following Skills “ Door openers ” Acknowledgement responses Open-ended questions

41. 41 Responding Skills Reflecting back their content Reflecting back their feelings Reflecting back their meaning (content linked with feeling) Summarizing

42. 42 Certain responses… Derail the conversation Take the focus off the other Block the other from finding a solution Lower the other ’ s self-esteem Distance yourself from the other Diminish the other ’ s motivation

43. 43 High Risk Responses… Take the focus off the other person Sending Solutions Ordering Threatening Moralizing Advising Logically Arguing Questioning Evaluating Judging Praising Diagnosing Name-Calling Withdrawing Reassuring Diverting us off the other person

44. 44 Tips for Effective Listening Stop talking & listen. Ask appropriate, open-ended questions. Be patient & allow plenty of time; don ’ t interrupt. Don ’ t prepare your answers while the other person is talking. Take mental notes. Writing notes can be distracting & intimidating. Avoid premature conclusions & interpretations. Have a desire to hear what is being said. Empathize with the person; put them at ease.

45. 45 Tips for Effective Listening Recognize the feelings and concerns of the person and accept that they are not your own. Remember feelings are transitory and change over time, so don ’ t try to change a person to your way of thinking. Be alert for your own negative feelings. Hold your temper; empathize & think constructively. Trust in the person ’ s capacity to handle their feelings, work through them, & find solutions.

46. 46 Open Invitations to Talk & Active Listening Responses When speaking with another parent, your initial task is to allow the parent to relate their situation as they see it. You provide an open invitation to talk and active listening responses to give the parent the opportunity to present their real feelings and concerns without imposed biases. Compare the following open invitations to talk with closed approaches. Talk about the two options with your neighbor.

47. 47 Comparing open vs. closed approaches Open: “ Tell me about your family, ” or “ How are things going? ” Closed: “ What is your child ’ s problem?, ” or “ How old is your child? ” Open invitations allow the parent to share their experience with you. A closed invitation often emphasize factual content & can usually be answered with few works or with a “ yes ” or “ no. ”

48. 48 Active Listening Responses Door Openers: Statements that offer encouragement for the person to begin/continue. –“ Would you like to share more about that? ” –“ Do you want to talk about it? ” –“ That sounds important to you. ” Noncommittal: Phrases that let the person know you are still interested & attentive: –“ Un-huh. ” –“ Really. ” –“ I see. ”

49. 49 Active Listening Responses Paraphrasing: Statements that repeat back what the person has said in fewer words. Be careful not to interpret or let your feelings or opinions slip in: –“ What I hear you saying is… ” “ In other words… ” “ Let me make sure I ’ m hearing this correctly. ” Focus on feelings: Statements that help the person focus on the feelings behind the words. Many times the person gets caught up in the words & loses sight of what they are feeling. –“ You sound… ” –“ You seem… ” “ You look… ”

50. 50 Active Listening Responses Offer chances to elaborate: Statements that encourage the person to be open in sharing more details. –“ What happened then? ” “ Give me a specific example? “ How did you feel about this? ” Silence: It ’ s golden! Try not to feel uncomfortable when there is silence. Many times the person is refocusing and shouldn ’ t be interrupted. Sometimes the silence is very productive, so don ’ t feel obligated to constantly talk.

51. 51 Roadblocks to be wary of… Ordering – telling the person to do something. –Example: “ Get a second opinion. ” –Better: “ A second opinion often helps clarify… ” Threatening – telling the parent what consequences they will face –Example: “ If you don ’ t do it, you ’ ll be sorry. ” –Better: “ What was the doctor ’ s reason for… ” Moralizing – using vague platitudes as absolute –Example: “ Look on the bright side… ” –Better: “ Each person who faces this goes through the emotions of this personal journey in their own way, at their own pace ”

52. 52 Roadblocks to be wary of… Giving solutions – telling them how to solve the problem –Example: “ You need to do this. ” –Better: “ This may help you to find a solution. ” Lecturing – trying to influence with facts, logic, or your opinion –Example: “ You ’ re lucky, it could have been worse. ” –Better: “ Life often gives us unexpected challenges. ”

53. 53 Roadblocks to be wary of… Judging, criticizing – making a negative judgment or evaluation of the parent or situation –Example: “ You shouldn ’ t be so emotional. ” –Better: “ Many people have a hard time relating to this problem. ” Invading privacy – asking for more information than you need –Example: “ Was your marriage in trouble before your child was born? ” –Better: “ When did you start feeling this way? ”

54. 54 Roadblocks to be wary of… Minimizing – trying to make the parent feel better by talking her/him out of her/his feelings: –Example: “ All kids go through this sometimes, don ’ t worry. ” Better: “ It sounds like your son ’ s behavior is challenging. ” Missing the parent ’ s real interests – not hearing what is underneath what the parent is expressing

55. 55 Positions & Interests

56. 56 Positions & Interests Position:  Specific solution proposed to resolve problem – the “ What ” Interest:  Underlying real need/ desire that gives position its life (beliefs, values, expectations, fears, priorities, hopes, concerns) – the “ Why ” Depositioning:  Why is that solution so important to you?

57. 57

58. 58 Finding the interests Question, question, question… –Why is that so important for you? –Why are you suggesting…? –What would you accomplish in getting what you want? –What if that did/didn ’ t happen? –How will you be affected by…? –Imagine that you got _____; what would that take care of for you?

59. 59 Finding the Interests What need is the person taking this position attempting to satisfy? What is motivating the person? What is the person trying to accomplish? What is the person afraid will happen if a demand is not fulfilled?

60. 60 Crisis Situations What is a crisis? A problem or situation that you feel is beyond your scope to address How to respond? Acknowledge feelings, indicate that you are not sure whether you can help right now, and ask if they would be interested in connecting to a social worker hotline or other crisis response service

61. 61 Explain your interests  Communicate and explain your interests.  Make your interests come alive.  Acknowledge the other party’s interests.  Share your interests and reasoning first and proposals later. Adapted from Roger Fisher and William Ury (1981), Getting to Yes, Negotiation Agreement without Giving In.

62. 62 Summary: Interest-based Negotiation Aims not to change the other person, but to change negotiation behavior Shifts from ” your position versus mine ” to “ you and I versus the problem ” Involves a mutual exploration of interests to yield more creative options. Uses objective criteria Adapted from Highnam, K. (2001). Interest-based negotiation, CSSEA 2001 Fall Conference and AGM. Surry B.C, Canada. CSSEA; Fisher and Ury, Getting to Yes.

63. 63 Recognize that many people communicate and process information differently Check-in, monitor and behave responsibly Allow time for reflection, don ’ t always fill silent spaces Keep in mind that our actions and words don ’ t always have the impact we intend Cultural Competence and Diversity

64. 64 Cultural Reciprocity  Cultures have different ways of responding to conflict  Culture shapes status, relationships and social behaviors with regard to conflict resolution  Recognize that many people communicate and process information differently

65. 65 Moving from Cultural Competence to Cultural Reciprocity Do unto others as they would have you do unto them. You can only practice cultural reciprocity if you listen with the heart…for the heart…and share your heart.

66. 66 “ Do unto others as they would have you do unto them. ” Tony Alessandra The Platinum Rule (better than the Golden Rule)

67. 67 Commitment People say, what is the sense of our small effort. They cannot see that we must lay one brick at a time, take one step at a time. A pebble cast into a pond causes ripples that spread in all directions. Each one of our thoughts, words and deeds is like that… -Dorothy Day