LIFE STRATEGIES FOR DEALING WITH BULLIES

LIFE STRATEGIES FOR DEALING WITH BULLIES
Michele M. Valentino, MSN, CS, BC

Objectives Describe & explain methods of dealing with bullying
Explore other bully busting techniques & Analyzing alternative choices Analyze the scenario “After the Bullying/Violent episode”. Discuss strategies to reclaim dignity & build support, respectful, healthy environments Some of these will be development of self confidence, self assertive behaviors, positive self talk, use of scripts & cue cards

BULLY BUSTING “He that respects himself is safe from others, he wears a coat of armor that none can pierce.” - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Preface None of the suggestions/tips for dealing with a Bully is guaranteed These are suggestions for you to decide what is appropriate in your unique situation

The Simple Truth To stop a bully from turning you into a Target, just firmly announce that his/her behavior will not be accepted without he/her running the risk that it will be reported immediately to both a private lawyer & and the company’s legal team. Gesture that he/she has one chance to stop now (palm of your raised hand racing her) and that he/she consider the consequences of continuing her childish, embarrassing behavior. -Gary & Ruth Namie www. Workplacebullying.org Easy to say, fight? Easy to understand & dream about, too. But nearly impossible to do. If it were Just that simple, you would have done it in the first place and skipped all the misery from being the bully’s Target. All the pain now felt comes not from that single missed opportunity alone, but from the postponement of taking action to right the wrong,. Nipping it in the bud, people call it. But using another old saying, it’s all water under the bridge, the current situation requires you to stop the hurt now however you can. Life for the Namies changed in 1996 when Dr. Ruth ran into a horrific woman supervisor as an employee in a psychiatric clinic. In her life before completing a PhD in clinical psychology and specializing in chemical dependency treatment, Ruth had been a corporate training director, management consultant, and retail manager, Gary (PhD, social psychology) was a prof. at several universities, the director of 2 corporatentraining departments, & a management consultant. In 1998 they founded the Campaign Against Workplace Bullying, The nonfarm profit organization morphed into the Workplace Bullying Institute. They do tremendous amounts of research & surveys, continuing descriptive empirical studies, scientific conference presentations, & publications in peer-reviewed academic journals. They are dedicated to educating the public.

Namie Survey U.S. Hostile Workplace 2000 Anonymous survey online
1 335 respondents, random design. 50% M & F 81% ranked higher 14% same rank 5% lower rank

It’s no Secret 96% co-workers were aware of the bullying
46% public sites 34% private 20% behind closed doors but meant to be overheard Woman were predominantly Targets 77%

Happens Everywhere 35% Corporate employers
33% govt. (vs. 12% of the national workforce) 13% small or family run businesses 19% nonprofit organizations 63% Targets had some college & degrees 17% grad. Degrees 4% PhD’s, M.D.s or lawyers

Bullying Ave. exposure mo

Related Terminology Horizontal Violence Disruptive Behavior Incivility
Horizontal hostility Lateral violence

Top 5 Reasons Bullies Bullied
1. Target refused to be subservient, resisted control 58% 2. Bully envied Target’s competence in work 56% 3. Bully envied Target’s social skills, being liked, + attitude % 4. Ethical Target behavior, whistleblower was retaliated against 46% 5. The cruel personality of the bully %

What Made Bullying STOP
11% transferred but kept job with same employer 38% left voluntarily for self-preservation 44% were expelled in a way controlled by the employer 7% Negative sanctions against the bully (censure, transfer or termination) 82% actually lost their jobs simply because a bully came uninvited into their lives

Economic Impact of Bullying on the Target
51% lost income 33% experienced no change 16% realized a gain as a result of termination and replacement with a better-paying job elsewhere

Need to report!! Need to report to raise awareness of the problem
Typically, acts of violence that do not result in injury are not reported ( 61% of nonphysical violence was unreported in 1 study (Findorff, McGovern & Sinclair, 2005) Reluctance to report due to concern for their job, fear, lack of confidentiality around the report, lack of managerial follow-through on complaints, lack of information regarding where to get help, intimidation, sometimes disruptive behaviors have gone on for so long they become ingrained in the culture of an organization, But behavior has to be addressed or it will not change. Some think that violence is “just part of the job”.

Obstacles to Reporting
Inurnment due to chronic & protected exposure to bullying individuals Few effective regulations Attitude & perception that this “is just part of the job” Organizational culture, including onus on the victim to be proactive & make the complaint & the employer’s belief that it would be too costly to institute protective measures for the staff

Stigma of victimization, including embarrassment, shame, isolation & fear of judgment Fear of job loss Fear if blame of provoking the assault or being negligent Victim’s self-blame Time-consuming, ineffective, or gender-biased reporting mechanisms

No benefit, either personal or organizational, of reporting Unhelpful experience with prior reporting

Tips for Dealing with Disruptive Behaviors by Center for Am. Nurses
Identify what behaviors are bullying Remember, sometimes the more passive behaviors can be the most damaging & the most pervasive! Know when to engage Avoid Avoidance Identify: The overt name-calling, frequent put-downs, verbal abuse, constant criticism, belittling, yelling, blaming, & threatening gestures, undermining /sabotage & more passive behaviors( withholding info, retaliation, withholding help, rolling eyes, heavy sighing, unreasonable assignments, refusing to socialize with a worker, the silent treatment, failure to speak up WHEN TO ENGAGE: When conflict is ongoing or recurring “ conflict is creating a potential threat to the safety of others “ the conflict keeps you awake at night—when you keep thinking about the situation AVOID: Why do we avoid disruptive behavior: “I don’t know how to do it well” “It won’t make a difference” Fear of retaliation Time constraints

“I swore never to be silent whenever and wherever human beings endure suffering and humiliation….Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.” Elie Wiesel, Nobel Laureate and Holocaust Survivor

Identify Bullying Unwarranted or invalid criticism
Blame without factual justification Being treated differently than the rest of your work group Being sworn at Exclusion or social isolation Being shouted at or being humiliated Being the target of practical jokes Excessive monitoring The target often doesn’t even realize when they are being bullied because the behavior is covert, through trivial criticisms and isolating actions that occur behind closed doors. While harassment is illegal; bullying in the workplace is not. What Can be Done About Bullying? Bullying in general is NOT illegal in the U.S. unless it involves harassment based on race/color, creed (religion), national origin, sex, age (40+), disability, HIV/AIDS or Hepatitis C status

Identify Bullying Tactics
Being over-critical Micromanaging Exclusion Unfairness or “crazy-making” Lack of clarity

Evaluate Options Prepare oneself mentally (bully proof)
Which approach will you take? Initially, you are probably better off planning a conservative approach to fighting a workplace bully. This involves using some of the more subtle techniques described on this website Later, as you identify possible job opportunities, or begin establishing a financial war chest, you may want to be a little more aggressive. And if you are prepared to be abruptly fired, you can take a bold approach. Never forget that you may be dealing with a ruthless manipulator. If you act in an emotional, haphazard way, you are playing to his strengths. Instead, you must control the game through careful planning and deliberate actions. Then commit yourself to a calm and consistent course of action.

Bully proofing Preparing mentally Personal philosophy
Creating an invincible attitude Venting Get some perspective Prepare for the worst Commit to see it through Mildly committed bullies Relentless bullies Have a crucial conversation with yourself! Through knowledge of self, knowledge of the bully and knowledge of real-world techniques, you can develop the confidence and expertise to fight back. This is about Taking control of your life! Emotional roller coaster More specifically, you must gain, and then maintain, control of your attitude and emotions. If you are currently being bullied at work, you may already be on an emotional roller coaster. One day, the bully offers supportive compliments, causing you to feel enthusiastic about your job and your future; the next day, he criticizes you so harshly that you sink into a funk, wondering if you will ever become successful in your career. Or perhaps you were enjoying a good relationship with the bully, but then you learned he had been undermining you behind your back. Is the bully controlling your emotions? You may feel intimidated by his bouts of anger, or increasingly frustrated by his attempts to control you. Maybe you just have the vague sense of being manipulated. All of these factors impact your attitude, reducing your ability to think clearly as you plan a response to bullying. Before you can even consider fighting back, you must discipline your emotions; otherwise you are giving him the power to control your mental state. Dealing with a workplace bully can be difficult enough without offering him an easy opportunity to dominate your thinking. Who is in control of your emotions? If a workplace bully is pushing your hot buttons, you will be in no condition to deal with him in a calm and confident manner Philosophy: A valuable first step in preparing to fight back is to develop a strong personal philosophy about the challenge facing you, one that will provide you with a steadfast attitude. By adopting a clear perspective and courageous outlook on the situation, you will be better prepared to survive even the longest battle, regardless of the ongoing successes and failures, or the ultimate result. Invincible attitude: worst that may come, and committing to see it through. But first you might want to vent a little. Developing a rock-solid attitude is rarely an instant event. You must systematically work your way through the process of gaining a clear perspective on the situation, preparing for the e. Steps to an invincible attitude: LOSING: What are the chances it will be a losing battle? How would you be impacted? Can you handle the downside of losing? Can you avoid or overcome a sense of powerlessness, a sense of social isolation, or feelings of incompetence, frustration and despair? WINNING:Do you want to work there in the long term? Is it worth the effort to conquer a workplace bully? Is your job really worth fighting for? Could you better spend your energy in improving your work-related knowledge and skills, and then find another job? Bullies: In the mildest form, a bully only goes after convenient targets. His ambition is limited to making himself feel more powerful as a short-term ego boost. In this case, you dramatically improve your situation by standing up to him, a relatively simple strategy requiring little commitment on your part. He prefers to exploit those whose responses to his bullying are weak and submissive. You only need to differentiate yourself. Just gently confront any aggressive behavior that comes your way, and the bully will leave you alone and go find an easier target.

Bully proofing Understand the results of losing
Evaluate the rewards of winning How difficult will it be to look for another job? Understand the risks of doing nothing Expect a nasty battle Identify the ultimate value JOB: Can you commit to doing whatever it takes? Has a bully already convinced you that you are incompetent and unemployable at your current salary level? (I once heard a callous bully explain why he wasn’t concerned about an employee quitting: “It’s not like anyone else would hire him.”) NOTHING: Is doing nothing a possible solution, or would things get worse? Will you become infected by negativity if you stay in your current job? Will your problems at work harm your personal life? You should seriously consider whether inaction on your part would lead to far more problems than confronting a workplace bully

Bully proofing Identify the ultimate value
!” Identify the ultimate value Step Four: Commit to see it through What is the bully’s level of commitment? You must match or exceed that if you want to win Financial preparation Now that you are prepared for the worst, you can relax. Stop worrying about the future. Learn to appreciate the challenges. Look for the opportunities that arise from your battle with a bully. There may be long-term benefits in terms of personal growth. You can develop the skill and poise to deal with challenges in the future, or heightened emotional intelligence that improves every aspect of your life. You can learn to make the most of every situation, no matter how difficult. After repeated setbacks, you can learn to rebound quickly. Instead of regretting the past and becoming embittered, you can learn from your experiences and become empowered. If things get bad enough, it may force a major rethinking of your life’s purpose. When it is over, you will be a better, stronger and wiser person. You can learn more about your relationships, including the quality of your current friendships. You will learn to appreciate that rarest of things, a genuine, loyal friend. Through this process, you can become a better judge of people and what to look for in future friends. You can also learn what to look for in future employers. Winning doesn’t necessarily mean you will stay in your current job. Most importantly, you will have dealt with your fears, behaved with integrity and stood up for your rights. You may want to repeat this a few times every day: “I appreciate the many opportunities this job provides me for personal growth.” WIN: . After all, your job is at stake. You know what you have to do. Don’t get emotional about it; it’s only business. You can feel good that you have taken the high road. With honest motives, personal integrity and straightforward dealings, you are guaranteed of success. Even if you are fired. Let me put it this way: I would rather fight and lose to a hundred bullies than spend one day in their position, knowing that for personal gain I have compromised the most basic ethic of treating people fairly. At the other extreme, the bully may be relentless in his quest for power. That means he is probably committed to either controlling you or forcing you out of the company. If you go up against him with a halfhearted resolve to fight, he will almost certainly prevail. To have any hope of victory against an ambitious bully, you must commit to see it through. He is highly motivated and you should be too. Letting the bully self-destruct You should never consider long-term submission as a healthy solution. But you may be able to stomach the situation long enough to watch the bully create so many enemies that he must leave the company. Over the years, I’ve observed several individuals with a great deal of inner strength survive a series of bullies. Financial preparation Let’s face it: taking on a workplace bully can get you fired, or drive you the point of quitting. Take some time to consider the consequences. Are financial pressures making you desperate to hang on to your job? If so, you will be in no position to calmly and effectively fight a bully. So what’s the solution? You could line up a new job in advance, but your new employer will probably want you to start within a reasonable time period. That won’t give you much opportunity to fight a bully. Still, if your company is truly toxic and battling a bully is likely to be a futile endeavor, leaving is probably the best answer. On the other hand, if you believe it is worth the struggle, or if you just want to test yourself on the battlefield, you should consider reorganizing your finances. Then you won’t be so concerned with the downside of losing to the bully. Lining up a new job There is the possibility that a vindictive workplace bully will harm your ability to find a new job. Let’s say, for example, that as you fight back, you either get to the point of being fired or you resign before finding a new job. In this situation, the bully may provide negative feedback on your performance to any prospective new employers. And you probably won’t have any recourse, because he can cleverly paint a negative picture of you without being explicit. He may damn you through faint praise or use subtle innuendo. For example, if asked about your level of commitment, he could say: “Well, at least ____ showed up to work every day.” For this reason, you may be better off lining up a new job before you get too far down the road in fighting a workplace bully. No griping When you talk to prospective employers, be careful not to complain about your current situation. Instead, explain your motivation in positive terms. Explain that you are generally satisfied with your current job but you are seeking to improve your prospects, that you believe they offer more opportunity for advancement. Don’t mention that you can’t stand your boss. Try to find companies you admire, then describe that admiration as your reason for interviewing. Alternatively, you could simply explain that you want a job closer to home. Employment agencies and recruiters You may want to enlist the help of an employment agency or professional recruiter. Find an experienced professional who understands your skills and ambitions. He should be able to arrange confidential interviews. There’s usually no reason to tell the recruiter of your difficulties in dealing with a bully. If it comes up, make it clear that your main focus is on personal advancement, not escaping from a difficult relationship, and ask them not to share your dilemma with potential employers. Your positive attitude will go a long way towards enabling the recruiter to find you the best possible opportunity. On occasion, a bully’s reputation may precede him. In a closely knit business community or specific industry, recruiters may have recurring opportunities from the same company, both filling vacancies and helping unhappy employees find jobs. Recruiters usually figure out that a bully is involved. If the recruiter has heard of your boss, he will understand your motivations. Networking A highly effective method of finding good jobs is to work through your network of friends and former co-workers. By getting a personal introduction to a prospective employer, you are more likely to find a company worthy of your commitment and to get a job offer. Make job-hunting an ongoing part of your weekly routine. Study relevant books and create a personal job search plan. Make use of job-finding websites. Investigate the latest in social networking sites as a job-finding tool. Set aside two or three hours each week to carry out your plan. It doesn’t take much more than that. In fact, it may be as simple as using an occasional lunch break to advance your plans: search web sites, study companies, and call or meet recruiters, peers, potential employers, or even people you admire in your line of work who can give you advice on career advancement. If you talk to enough people, something is likely to come along. Remember that when it comes to job hunting, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Fighting after finding a new job With the right new employer, you can request some time to wrap up your existing job. This could free you up to try more assertive tactics with the workplace bully. (But if your new employer asks you what needs to be wrapped up, don’t laugh like a villain and say: “Because vengeance will be mine.”) On the other hand, you’re probably better off leaving right away. There are obvious advantages to immediately escaping a stressful situation. Reorganizing your finances It’s important to be realistic: if you are buried in debt with a family to support, fighting a workplace bully may not be for you. However, when it is more a question of lifestyle, you could consider making major changes. You may be living in a comfortable home in a great neighborhood, but if you’re miserable at work, is it truly worth it? Wouldn’t you rather sacrifice some unessential pleasures in order to find flexibility and fulfillment in your career? Try to imagine making major changes to reduce your current lifestyle and build up a larger nest egg. Not worth it? Then maybe you aren’t ready to take on a bully at work. Getting family on board Once you decide that a fulfilling career takes priority over a comfortable lifestyle, you can begin the process of educating your family. Ask them if they’re willing to sacrifice for a couple of years, until your work situation is back on track. If they show no sympathy for your plight, you may be left with no viable options except to endure the current situation or find a new job. Financial independence If your family fully supports you, or you’re single with nothing to lose, you can get serious about achieving a greater degree of financial independence. There are many excellent books on this subject, with a primary emphasis on more disciplined spending and saving habits, in combination with debt reduction. Avoiding sharks By the time you finish preparing for the worst, you may have convinced yourself it isn’t worth the fight. There’s a very good chance that’s true. I once heard a shark expert asked: What should you do when you’re swimming in the ocean and see a shark approaching? He answered: Get out of the water. Sometimes the best answer is the most obvious one. Consider the happiness of yourself and your family before taking on a powerful bully. Maybe you can escape the situation before he pulls you under. But if you decide to fight back, make sure you have some powerful shark repellent handy.

Bully proofing Financial preparation Lining up a new job
Getting family on board Financial independence Avoiding sharks You may be living in a comfortable home in a great neighborhood, but if you’re miserable at work, is it truly worth it? Wouldn’t you rather sacrifice some unessential pleasures in order to find flexibility and fulfillment in your career? Try to imagine making major changes to reduce your current lifestyle and build up a larger nest egg. Not worth it? Then maybe you aren’t ready to take on a bully at work. FAMILY : Once you decide that a fulfilling career takes priority over a comfortable lifestyle, you can begin the process of educating your family. Ask them if they’re willing to sacrifice for a couple of years, until your work situation is back on track. If they show no sympathy for your plight, you may be left with no viable options except to endure the current situation or find a new job. FINANCIAL: If your family fully supports you, or you’re single with nothing to lose, you can get serious about achieving a greater degree of financial independence. There are many excellent books on this subject, with a primary emphasis on more disciplined spending and saving habits, in combination with debt reduction. SHARKS: By the time you finish preparing for the worst, you may have convinced yourself it isn’t worth the fight. There’s a very good chance that’s true. I once heard a shark expert asked: What should you do when you’re swimming in the ocean and see a shark approaching? He answered: Get out of the water. Sometimes the best answer is the most obvious one. Consider the happiness of yourself and your family before taking on a powerful bully. Maybe you can escape the situation before he pulls you under. But if you decide to fight back, make sure you have some powerful shark repellent handy.

Create an Invincible Attitude
Venting Get some perspective Prepare for the worst Commit to see it through Even though it is tempting to lose your temper and yell insults at a workplace bully, don’t do it. You would be playing into his hands and harming your ability to effectively fight back. Nevertheless, you may need to vent some anger and frustration. The following may help, but wait until you are alone and not within earshot of anyone else. Short version to vent at a bully: “You’re a backstabbing, condescending, conniving, manipulative bastard!” Long version to vent at a bully: “You’re a pushy, controlling, judgmental, nitpicking, fault-finding, blame-shifting, double-crossing, hypocritical, egotistical, self-absorbed, self-centered, self-important, self-righteous, irrational, unreasonable son-of-a-bitch Perspective: A workplace bully wants you to be emotionally overwhelmed. When you are flustered by his attacks, he can better control you. Gaining perspective is a big step towards gaining control of your emotions. Start by considering these questions:

Step Three: Prepare for the worst
When you expect the worst, you are less likely to be disappointed Assume the worst from the bully Don’t plan on a normal, cooperative relationship Always remember that a skilled, aggressive bully is capable of the worst of workplace behaviors. Don’t be too surprised by the ruthlessness of a workplace bully’s actions, the total lack of support from your co-workers, or the rewards and honors bestowed upon the bully. You shouldn’t be shocked when the bully, a few weeks after you expose his diabolical plot against you, receives a huge bonus --just when you thought he was about to be fired. Prepare for the worst. Then no matter how nasty things get, you can keep your cool. Instead of being miserable, you can adjust your strategy and continue the process of dealing with the bully to your best advantage ASSUME: When you expect the worst from a bully, you are less likely to accept him at face value and more likely to recognize his bullying behaviors. PLAN: Watch for him to manipulate you, deceive you, or even slander you. Once you begin fighting back, expect him to aggressively try to diminish your power and harm your reputation in the company. Don’t be surprised if he becomes belligerent and vindictive in the process.

Prepare for the Worst Expect a nasty battle
Evaluate the alternatives to fighting Face your fears about changing jobs Consider all your options EXPECT: By gearing up for a long, unpleasant battle with a workplace bully, you will be prepared for anything. Maybe things will get resolved early, but if it becomes a battle of endurance, you will have a much better chance of coming out on top. Remember that during a lengthy struggle, you are likely to make a number of mistakes. There will be many twists and turns as the situation evolves, with nasty surprises along the way. Expect things to get much worse before they start to get better. You should also acknowledge the possibility that you will lose perspective along the way. You may become emotionally overwhelmed or discouraged. With recurring frustration and failure, it can be a struggle to regain control of your emotions. Emotional isolation will make it even worse. Be prepared to draw on reserves from deep within yourself in order to return to a relaxed, positive attitude. FIGHTING: Can you avoid a workplace bully, stay in your current position, and maintain your dignity and happiness? Can you transfer elsewhere in the company without retaliation from the bully? Should you find a new job instead of fighting?

Options Do Nothing Make a plan and act Go to your manager Notify HR
Take sick leave Explore other job options Resign Contact an attorney

Job Search No griping Employment agencies and recruiters Networking
Fighting after finding a new job Reorganizing your finances There is the possibility that a vindictive workplace bully will harm your ability to find a new job. Let’s say, for example, that as you fight back, you either get to the point of being fired or you resign before finding a new job. In this situation, the bully may provide negative feedback on your performance to any prospective new employers. And you probably won’t have any recourse, because he can cleverly paint a negative picture of you without being explicit. He may damn you through faint praise or use subtle innuendo. For example, if asked about your level of commitment, he could say: “Well, at least ____ showed up to work every day.” For this reason, you may be better off lining up a new job before you get too far down the road in fighting a workplace bully. GRIPING: When you talk to prospective employers, be careful not to complain about your current situation. Instead, explain your motivation in positive terms. Explain that you are generally satisfied with your current job but you are seeking to improve your prospects, that you believe they offer more opportunity for advancement. Don’t mention that you can’t stand your boss. Try to find companies you admire, then describe that admiration as your reason for interviewing. Alternatively, you could simply explain that you want a job closer to home. EMPLOYMENT: You may want to enlist the help of an employment agency or professional recruiter. Find an experienced professional who understands your skills and ambitions. He should be able to arrange confidential interviews. There’s usually no reason to tell the recruiter of your difficulties in dealing with a bully. If it comes up, make it clear that your main focus is on personal advancement, not escaping from a difficult relationship, and ask them not to share your dilemma with potential employers. Your positive attitude will go a long way towards enabling the recruiter to find you the best possible opportunity. On occasion, a bully’s reputation may precede him. In a closely knit business community or specific industry, recruiters may have recurring opportunities from the same company, both filling vacancies and helping unhappy employees find jobs. Recruiters usually figure out that a bully is involved. If the recruiter has heard of your boss, he will understand your motivations NETWORKING: A highly effective method of finding good jobs is to work through your network of friends and former co-workers. By getting a personal introduction to a prospective employer, you are more likely to find a company worthy of your commitment and to get a job offer. Make job-hunting an ongoing part of your weekly routine. Study relevant books and create a personal job search plan. Make use of job-finding websites. Investigate the latest in social networking sites as a job-finding tool. Set aside two or three hours each week to carry out your plan. It doesn’t take much more than that. In fact, it may be as simple as using an occasional lunch break to advance your plans: search web sites, study companies, and call or meet recruiters, peers, potential employers, or even people you admire in your line of work who can give you advice on career advancement. If you talk to enough people, something is likely to come along. Remember that when it comes to job hunting, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain FIGHTING: With the right new employer, you can request some time to wrap up your existing job. This could free you up to try more assertive tactics with the workplace bully. (But if your new employer asks yu what needs to be wrapped up, don’t laugh like a villain and say: “Because vengeance will be mine.”) On the other hand, you’re probably better off leaving right away. There are obvious advantages to immediately escaping a stressful situation. FINANCES: It’s important to be realistic: if you are buried in debt with a family to support, fighting a workplace bully may not be for you. However, when it is more a question of lifestyle, you could consider making major changes.

Tips for Dealing with Disruptive Behaviors by Center for Am. Nurses
Be mindful of your own feelings Take immediate interventions when witnessing disruptive behaviors Learn to listen Collaborate with your boss Behave differently Reflect on the experience Remember, it’s about you—not about them Breathe & focus on what is happening inside & out Focus and notice your own reactions—Are you calm? Be empathetic – try to understand what is happening Take a moment to think through your response before saying something TAKE: Acknowledge – let them know you see how upset they are. Ask Q with concern for their well-being Set limits on severely abusive or attacking behavior. Let them know that there are limits on their behavior Arrange to talk together when everyone is less stress LISten: Listening is the most important part of dealing with conflict Means hearing with intent to understand the meaning behind the words Collaborate: if your boss is not the bully While not all situations require interventions from a supervisor, the manager has a direct affect on the culture of the dept. Ask for assistance in role playing Introduce the topic of disruptive behaviors as one way to educate others and identify behaviors and appropriate responses BEHAVE DIFFeReNTLY: Choose constructive behavior over avoidance Understand your role in disruptive behaviors Do not resort to old, ineffective behaviors that did not work Remember, it is not how you are, it is how you behave Reflect: Think of a recent experience with disruptive behavior Why did it matter to you? How did you feel during the conflict & after? What could you have done differently? YOU: While you may not always have the ability to control another person’s actions, you have total control over how you react. Understand your normal defensive reactions Learn everything you can about bullying It all takes practice, & it is a skill that can be learned. The above was the Center for Am. Nurses response after the Joint Commission set standards for disruptive behaviors that impact patient care. (Jan. 2009). The Joint Commission embraced the term zero tolerance for both violence & bullying.

Document, Document, Document
Can use incident reports for your file Document hot-button issues Keep track of health issues Organize a Documents File General & personal documents Drafting a Chronology Track: B/P, sleep problems, meds, scale of 1-10 File: General Documents - company policy manual, copy of bargaining agreement if unionized, performance reports & disciplinary papers, grievances, complaints, 1st & last job descriptions, 1st & last Duty Statements. individual employment contracts & pay schedules. Get file from HR and if possible have them make a copy for you, organizational chart, Emp[loyer phone lists & addresses, Private phone numbers & addresses, online research discoveries, public Records Research Discoveries, Library Research Discoveries, internal job listings (fresh) and External job listings (fresh). Also Personal Documents: Incident Reports, statements by witnesses, statements by experts, compliments & commendations, s, memos, Correspondence File, Grievances, complaints, filings with organizations & agencies, performance Reports, Investigation Reports, Disciplinary Papers, Police Reports, Physical & mental health documents, pay stubs, phone logs, calendars, telephone bills, credit card bills ( these last are to corroborate) CHRONOLOGY: rather mechanical & repetitious exercise. flip through documents, parsing out significant events, jot down 2-3 quick & succinct sentences to describe each event.Put in order. “On Oct. 25, 2009 John Doe (did something…) State only facts. “ Gimme just the facts, ma’am”. Said Jack Webb. If this is for an attorney, label “Attorney-Client Privileged Documents”.

Document Obtaining copies of harassing / bullying paper trails; hold onto copies of documents that contradict the bully’s accusations against you (e.g., time sheets

Bully Proofing Comes First
Phase 1 Bully Proofing to Stop the Hurt Phase Bully Proofing to Topple the Tyrant You can prevent the bully from getting inside your head, of convincing you lies are truths. Going to work need not jeopardize your health. Restore you self-respect & dignity at work. Phase 1 is about regrouping, healing, & retaking what was stolen from you –self confidence, the belief in your competence & goodness. Bully Proofing can be accomplished alone or with trusted family friends. It does not require a public commitment to action, After Bully Proofing yourself you are less likely to be a future Target. 2. Some people are ready to begin bringing the bully down when first assaulted because they were more enraged than wounded. If you are not one who can go directly to phase 2, (& most of us can not) do not try to take action while still vulnerable. There is time to counterattack & a time to heal. Phase 2 is the public reclaiming of your dignity, You will need alkyl the energy your mind & soul can muster to rid the workplace if the creep who makes life miserable for you, Bully Busting requires incredible organization & selling skills.

Bully Proofing to Stop the Hurt
Typical scenario Assess Impact Before It’s Too Late 4 areas to help begin your recovery from bullying. 1) How I relate to others 2) How other people see me 3) My performance at work 4) My ability to reason & solve problems Write down as many phrases you can, give blank ones to two others & compare. 1.You are excited about your job & consider it a + exp. 2. Bullying starts & you bend over back backwards to please the bully 3. Finally you can no longer ignore your frustrations & you explode at the bully, leaving you feeling even more terrible than before, Describe your strengths & weaknesses in relationships Do you get along well with others. Describe how you handle job assignments Do you like the freedom to improvise? Are you a quick learner? Do you have special knowledge in certain areas.

Bully Proofing Quality of Relationships with Others
Confidence in Personal Competence Emotional Effectiveness Do your self rating Ask others to rate you Summarize the observations in an Impact Table Interpret patterns for meaning, Regain Perspective

Changing Your Perspective
Step 1. Compare your bully problems to a catastrophic event. Step 2. Mentally edit the memory of your encounter with the bully as if you were editing a film. As you replay your last encounter, view it as if it came from another camera angle. Turn the camera so you can look at it in different ways, Go over the memory with a friend to try & get a new perspective on the situation. After you have decided what things you can do to change the way you act and feel at work, there is a simple tool to help you when you encounter bullying behaviors The way you look at the situations with the bully will dramatically affect your attitude. Practice dissociating yourself from unpleasant memories. By mentally stepping away from an unpleasant event or a bully, you can adjust your point of view. Remember you can never change the behaviors of the bully, you can only make changes in yourself. ‘Does it compare to losing a leg or a loved one? Do you need a different perspective on this situation?

Changing Your Perspective
Step 3. Reframe the problem & change the meaning of the experience, Try to look at the experience as a positive event rather than an attack on you. Are there any ways the bullying experience could be +?

Establish & Protect Boundaries
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” -Eleanor Roosevelt Boundaries are central to separating who you are from who the bully wants you to believe you are. Much of a person’s identity & self-confidence come from having appropriate boundaries in place A boundary is an unseen, immeasurable limit or barrier that simultaneously creates an inside & an outside. People have different thresholds of tolerance for others meddling in their lives. Meddling ranges from suggestions about how you should live your life to full scale verbal assaults by bullies. Those who have loose boundaries or non-existent boundaries are an unprotected Target.

SIGN-up for Bully Proof Insurance
Part 1: Expect an attack Part 2: Know some bully-proof responses Part 3: Practice your responses Part One: Expect an Attack Workplace Bullies are good at manipulating a relationship. They can be charming for a while—then strike when you let your guard down. Recognize the bully for who she is. Expect the bully to attack and ABR (Always Be Ready). Remember, the bully only has her own interests at heart. She’s not interested in a relationship of equals. She wants power. When you accept a rationalization for her behavior or get emotional and argue with her, she has won. Instead of excusing her behavior or allowing her to engage you, proceed to part two. Part Two: Know Some Bully-Proof Responses Train yourself to listen critically to a bully. When you hear the words of her attack—usually couched as criticism, blame or self-justification—fall back on your response. Very simply, excuse yourself with one of the following bully-proof responses and walk away. Excuse me, I have a meeting to go to. I have something I have to attend to. I’ll get back with you later. Pardon me, I was just heading out. Can we talk tomorrow? Let’s talk later (this afternoon). I have some thing that can’t wait. (non-defensively) Do you think so? Maybe you’re right. I don’t agree, but I’m sure we can talk about this another time. Part Three: Practice Your Responses Left up to chance, it’s likely that you’ll fall into the bully’s trap. That is, you’ll take the bully on before you’re ready because it’s natural to respond to a comment or question with an answer. Athletes know that the key to being ready is practice, practice, practice. You can also adopt that strategy when dealing with a bully. Here’s how: Decide on your bully-proof responses, the ones you’ll find easiest to say. Choose ones from the list above or invent your own. Imagine a situation in which the bully attacks. Say your response out loud. Repeat with another situation. Again, say your response out loud. Write out the response five times. The next day, write it out ten times. Practice every day at the same time. Your goal is to make the response automatic, something you don’t have to think about. This is one time that thinking will get you in trouble. Instead, you want to respond before you think. After you have had a chance to cool off, you can approach the bully. You are calm and can deal with the bully’s complaint. Now you have the upper hand. Your bully-proof insurance has paid off.

Check Policies /Procedures of Workplace
May need to request the actions by bully to stop Expect the bully to deny and perhaps misconstrue your accusations; have a witness with you during any meetings with the bully; report the behavior to an appropriate person

Repel Invasion- Become a Workplace Warrior, Not a Target
Use verbal commands Announce that a line has been crossed Refuse to be a victim Announce that you have a policy of zero tolerance for such unacceptable actions & that you will enforce this. A tit for tat. In workplace bullying, people who show emotion are generally seen as more vulnerable than those who have a closed style Develop the Self Bullies win when Targets accept personal criticism as if it has a “kernel of truth” in it Namie This is how attrition works. The Target starts self-blame , successes are discounted or explained away, Setbacks are internalized with a disproportionate amount of responsibility taken for events that were completely out of the Target’s control. The bully can goad the Target into adopting a depressed person’s perspective. Then, shortly thereafter, genuine depression sets in. Namie

Verbal Defense Strategies
Imaginary Conversation Strategy Enter every situation in the verbal battlefield with an open mind Observe “what is” Take a moment to pick your strategy Silent, expressionless, blank stare The look of Disgust Strategy Go ahead and defend yourself See yourself, hear yourself, feel yourself going over & over the scenario. Practice with a mirror WHAT IS: live in the present Look of Disgust: Raise your upper lip, wrinkle your nose, open your mouth, raise you chin, squint your eyes.

Verbal Defense Strategies
Naked Truth Strategy Let it Go-Breathe & Blow Strategy Calm, Calculating, Questioning Strategy – Like Columbo “The Joke’s on You” – Funny Bone Strategy Love ‘Em Up Strategy Gentle-Toned Name Repetition LET IT GO: Take a small breath a 2 second sip of air into your mouth. 2. Think of your verbal adversary. Recall all the awful things he said to you. 3. Keep this “verbal violator” in your mind, blow him out through your mouth, exhaling with all of your strength 4. Keep blowing out this breath until you have completely run out of air,. 5. Now stop for 2 sec. & do not breathe. 6. Repeat a 2nd time. 7. Repeat again,. Blow out all the toxic negativity. 8. Breath normally. CALM: Use a non-hostile, non-angry, unassuming tone & ask a series of questions that require either a yes or no answer in a logical progressive,. Begin with the most absurd question which is guaranteed to elicit a NO,. Keep asking over-the-top questions until the person gets the point, THE NAKED : Direct honesty. THE JOKE: Make fun of either him or yourself, Love: “Kill them with kindness” Gentle Toned : Dale Carnegie mentions that the sound of a person’s name is the sweetest music to her ears.

Verbal Defense Strategy
Hush-Hush Strategy Let the Baby Have Her Bottle Strategy “What’s Good About You” Strategy Mirroring the Foe Strategy “Give them hell & Yell Strategy Literally say “hush, hush”. In a calm & steady voice, on a continuous basis. LET: Agree with her, this can squash verbal venom Mirroring : Dangerous to use with a bullying boss, may get fired.

Bully proofing yourself
Recruit one’s family’s help right from the beginning Identify allies Separate Work/Social Boundaries Boundaries & Defenses Avoid Spineless Flexibility Maintain your boundaries in the face of power Recognize Unhealthy Work Boundaries You have a right to Privacy Some may want to spare their family this discussion; however, family members will know something is wrong. Targets backed with a family’s love can shorten the period of vulnerability. The family as a unit can brainstorm together what can be done to bust the bully, to turn off the source of the pain. Attempting to go it alone while feigning a calm, collected exterior is foolhardy. Allies are gold, fairly rare, & to be treasured. The most dependable allies are those that have stood in battle together , shoulder to shoulder, with neither forsaking the other. Socialize at work, talking with others, do not allow the bully to isolate you. Portray calm confidence, not fear & hurt. Be Positive, be hospitable May be difficult to find support at work, They may begin to withdraw ( afraid of being guilty by association. Work/Social: One’s identity was formed long ago & is very distinct from what one does for a living for most people. Some are deliberately fused and almost inseparable ( usually artist, etc). Separate one’s identity from the job. Jobs pass ( Usually people have 5-7 jobs) There will be another job. Separate: the co-worker boundary is a good example of how a temporary, constantly changing group identity can hurt Targets of bullying,. One day the group is commiserating about the bully’s torment, the next day the Target may be out of the group. The group is fearful. Then feelings of abandonment. Unions are also a group to which you may belong. They too are prone to abandon you for various reasons driven by the group’s survival priorities rather than the merits of the case. Sometimes, they satisfy their contractual obligation by starting the grievance process, but that is long, tortuous, & inefficient for dealing with daily bullying, Boundaries: Often Targets try to “stick to the job” & ignore all the madness manufactured by the bully. Thus, going it alone at work. Then look to family for support. Few families can continue unconditional support for the beginning to end of a bully’s campaign. This leaves the SELF-faith in your identity, This is the worst-case scenario. In the best of all possible worlds, your work group stands behind you solidly , your family & identity provide additional support. With all boundaries intact, a bully has no chance to overcome Target. AVOID: like chameleons Each new demand distracts them. May appear disorganized. Agrees with everyone, Boundaries with supervisors. Recognize” You can try to promote a healthy relationship , you may have to leave. YOU: Practice “ I don’t feel like talking about it” “I want to keep that to myself.” “That’s my business”. “I’m surprised you think you have a right to that information”. “Whoops that’s private”.

Hard & Soft Strategies The Yang and Yin - Robert Mueller, JD
Usually hard strategies are not recommended A fresh bouquet of flowers Being opaque – maneuver quietly into the corners of workplace power, discovering supporters Let co-workers figure out for themselves that the Bullying Boss in the literature is their own Usually “hard” frontal assaults are essentially political suicide attacks. One recommended response is “I can’t talk now. I’m already late for my appointment with HR”… when the appt. was about nothing, HR then becomes the Bully’s focus. It would be a hard tactic to lay charges against the Bullying Boss, such as alleging he or she padded their expense account or mistreated a customer or employee. Workplace Warriors will ultimately use whatever combinations of “hard” & “soft” strategies & tactics that are most productive. Soft strategies: Boss yells at employee. Employee brings in flowers for herself the next AM for her desk. Hard = writing an angry memo LET: Leave literature in the coffee room, restrooms, lunchroom. List of great articles to discreetly circulate. Mueller, p Also, can leave articles on the cost of bullying bosses to corporations in manager’s mailboxes, etc.

Hard & Soft Strategies The Yang and Yin - Robert Mueller, JD
“The Story” is always counterproductive politically Do use note probable trajectories and cards on a table Convert “The Story” into a strategic plan “Timing is everything” THE STORY: is negative, it tries to describe Bullying Boss activities that are difficult for people to believe. When one tries to communicate something inherently unbelievable, they are not believed. Also, when telling about 3 different incidents, the stories get complex and multi-layered, interwoven. This can hurt one’s credibility. Others will avoid you. The Story has a negative emotional quality that also repels listeners & thus potential supporters. The Story should be reserved for loved ones, lawyers, & therapists, but even they should be spared its repetitions. CARDS: Note cards represent the people involved. Include name, title, political role, ‘Other people connected to, Ambition & career objectives. Can put the employer’s mission on one card. Like the generals’ toy tanks, these cards are maneuvered into both graphical & analytical formations to discover actual & potential relationships, the sources of power, & the probable trajectories of individuals and other political forces. This is like a chess game to plot out a game plan. Think about the formal organization chart. Consider the actual power relations chart. The cards can be moved around to reflect the real power relationships as they become known to Warriors. Use your instinct.

The Yang & Yin Restroom Retreats
During aggravated confrontations, don’t engage If need be, define the “abuse” or “bullying” out loud for all to hear Obey now & grieve later Wrap yourself in the employer’s mission Minimize flow of information to a Bullying Boss Do make contact with co-workers. Be authentic. Must be perfectly timed. Don’t actually enter the restroom if being pursued. DON’T ENGAGE: Maintain good, relaxed posture & eye contact with the Bully DEFINE: “This is harassment”, or bullying, of abusive. Obey if demand you to sign a performance report that you disagree with. Can write under protest under your name, or acknowledging Receipt only. This is a take off on politicians “Wrap yourself in the flag”. No matter how well or how bad things are going for a politician, they use the tactic of being extra patriotic. Their political position will improve. Also, can use a prop, to distract Bullies, like a memo representing the current goal of that work group. INFO: Trespassing as always, A Bullying Boss asked what she & her family did over the week-end. The Warrior said “We cut the grass then spent the rest of the time watching it grow. The kids hated it.” or do empty chatter – talk about an interest you haven’t pursued for yrs.

The Yang & Yin Do not send angry e-mails, put it in your file
Some info must be shared Circumspect Speech (anonymous postings, distributions, or droppings of literature. Nicknames can be powerful Some info: if go to court, judge will ask if Warrior used the employer-procedure for resolving matters in-house. Circumspect speech: especially if humorous. NickNAMES: has to be exactly right. Cannot be malicious. “Can you hear that tap,tap,tap? Damn. Captain Ahab is back”

Bully proofing Yourself
Be cognizant of any distorted thinking patterns you may use so we do not undermine yourself overgeneralization global labeling filtering polarized thinking catastrophizing personalization mind reading illusion of control emotional reasoning Try to reverse the distortion. Bullyprofing is about reclaiming dignity & self-respect.

Bully proofing Yourself
Avoid self blame Know when to get professional help Change the conversation you have with yourself to take the focus off the difficult person & put it on you Stand your ground and send out a “Don’t even think about it” attitude Brainstorm responses and role-play When you are a target, there is no doubt that the bully initiated the campaign to disgrace, defame, & demoralize you. When you tell friends & family, they believe you & stand by you to a point. However, witnesses, co-workers, the bully’s allies, “institutional helpers” (human resources, personnel, employee assistance, legal, ombudsmen, mediators), senior managers, & lawyers are either less certain or may call you a liar outright. These reactions can stem from defensiveness, workplace politics, fear, timidity, lack of conscience, group dynamics and sometimes evil. KNOW: Over time, the bully can penetrate the psyche of the strongest, most optimistic person alive in an attempt to “convince” he/she that he/she is wrong. CHANGE: i.e. Cynical You:” Oh, here comes the boss again, I thought I’d gotten her off my back for the day”. Vs. Diffuser You: “Relax. We’ve got it all under control. She’s going to walk out of here without setting me off, and she won’t even know what I’ve done.” Cynical You: “Are you kidding? She’s been driving me crazy all day, asking questions, demanding things,, yelling her orders. The sound of her footsteps is making my stomach knot.” Cynical You: “”Breathe. Let the air flow through your body. Remind yourself that there is nothing out there to be upset about, that it’s her trip & she can have it. You are in charge of what you think, feel, & say. Everything’s cool.” Then the boss enters screaming. Diffuser You ( to the boss in a neutral tone: “Specifically, what needs to be done right now?” The boss screams her commands. Diffuser: “I will handle that by 5 this afternoon. Anything else?” The boss leaves confused.

Self –Help books Managing Your Mind: The Mental Fitness Guide by Gillian Butler and Tony Hope The Feeling Good Handbook by David Burns Work Abuse: How to Recognize & Survive It by Judith Wyatt & Chauncey Hare

Bullying is status-blind harassment
Sexual harassment is illegal & actionable in court. Must prove the victim’s rights have been violated. The victim must be a member of a “protected status” group. In the U.S. there are 7 civil rights-protected status groups (gender & race are the most prominent) Bullying happens when harassment is same gender or same-race or when the bully enjoys potential legal protection because he or she is a member of a status-protected group Most bullying involves same-gender harassment (6 1%)

Identify & Evaluate Your Options

Evaluate culture of the Workplace
Healthy or toxic???? Toxic = bully is admired, widespread anger & frustration, dysfunctional meetings & relationships, scapegoats are found to take the blame, dysfunctional processes, meaningless solutions from ineffective management, worsening morale Dysfunctional = vague objectives & arbitrary deadlines What are the essential rules for conduct? What are the acceptable and unacceptable patterns of behavior, and the inherent beliefs and values? What are the prevailing approaches to communication and social interaction? Are relationships driven by a formal, rigid hierarchy or ad-hoc interactions? Who has the greatest power? Second and third greatest? How much power is held by others in the firm, individually and collectively? How dominant is this workplace culture? Is it in a state of flux? Has it evolved much during the past few years? Are there any major threats facing the company? How are executives responding to these threats? Has upper management ever fired someone for mistreating employees? Is there currently a bully who appears to have the support of upper management? Has anyone complained about the bully? What was the result? Is there any chance the bully will be harshly disciplined or fired in the future? Do top executives display the types of leadership skills required to recognize the problems of workplace bullying and change the company’s culture for the better

TOXIC WORKPLACE A toxic work environment usually begins at the top, either through negligence or lack of character and integrity, usually stemming from a naive discounting of the importance of how employees are treated.

Strategies for Taking A Stand
Decide if you will fight back “I am MAD as hell and won’t be bullied anymore!” (Attitude) Selective Silence Say Nothing. ”There’s power in numbers”. Must first stop the hurt and then decide if you are going to fight back May anger a bully even more. Bully may do more just to get you to react. The bully may feel you’re not buying into being bullied. Selective. Can be powerful. This is a low threat for users who are intimidated. The barrater does not know what to do if one does not argue back. Stare quiet, stone-faced. Just look like you aren’t bothered. Let’s them know you are not interested in escalating the conflict, but neither are you impressed by his or her antics.

Strategies for Taking A Stand
When you are ignoring, look directly at the bully. When he starts mouthing off, just stare at him/her. Say Something Seek help from friends Walk (or Run) Away SAY… Tell them directly you don’t want to be bullied anymore. I will not accept any bullying behavior”, and that you want it to end. Practice. Practice practice. Be prepared. Think about all the lines that can catch the bully off guard. ….”I already know…” “Well, Thanks for noticing”. Or more direct “Why are you doing that? “What do you really want from me?” Work on posture. Stand tall & look confident. 1. Think about whether the bully believes he or she has a “real “ problem 2. Find out if there’s something you can do to solve the problem. “Stop, I am not prepared to be subjected to this kind of treatment. I want you to stop ( fill in the blanks)- shouting at me, belittling me in front of my peers, falsely accusing me of things I did not do, personally attacking me, trying to make me look like a fool in front of my co-workers, constantly scrutinizing me, subjecting me to standards not applied to others, tampering with my belongings, failing to give me the information I need to do my job.” if you do not feel comfortable confronting the person alone, take a union rep, supervisor, or fellow worker with you. By publicly telling the person that his behavior is unacceptable and you want it to stop, you do establish a boundary that you are telling the person not to cross. Then, if they continue, you have grounds to put your demand in writing copied to a more senior person. 3. See if there is some way to resolve the conflict & reach a fair outcome. SEEK WALK This can be smart. Also implement another plan that will stop the bullying altogether. i.E “Cut it out”. “I am an Okay person once you get to know me”, and I bet you are too”.

Workplace bullying can be invisible
Are you surprised that no one can see widespread bullying but you? In this distorted reality, all common sense seems displaced by the almost magical power of a charismatic workplace bully When you point out his subtle manipulations, no one takes you seriously. When you report his mistreatment of you, people assume you misunderstood the situation. Even worse, they accuse you of doing something that justified his outburst (“You should be more careful not to trigger him”). When your co-workers have become unwitting accomplices to his devious tactics, you know you are in a toxic workplace. A skilled workplace bully can adapt to the company culture in a way that makes his destructive behaviors virtually undetectable to bystanders. Perhaps over time he will bully enough people to widely expose his true character, but it is more likely that he will cause the termination of anyone who speaks up, leaving only a trail of disgruntled ex-employees. If you are in a toxic workplace, don’t fool yourself into thinking you can accomplish much by fighting the bully. You will probably be better off just acknowledging that the people in charge have limited mental capacity and go find a healthier, happier place to work.

DON’T Believe the insults about you
Overestimate how much power a bully has over you. Be afraid to think of new ways to solve the conflict Believe you deserve to be picked on. Don’t retaliate! Do not ruminate Don’t retaliate: do not start rumors about them, belittle their efforts, or trash them on Face book or Internet sites. If you ever decide to file a formal complaint, the bully will likely use these actions against the target. You may use some covert means, Anonymously leaving an article in the boss’s mailbox on how to better manage staff, or an article on psychological harassment on a bullying co-worker’s desk has sometimes worked wonders. Some employees have ended up facing sanctions themselves when they have retaliated against a harasser, thereby providing their tormenter with more reason to attempt to provoke them & continue the harassment. Retaliation may well be the worst thing a targeted employee can do. Rumination makes bullying worse because it constantly reinforces its negative effects. The best way to stop rumination is through the introduction of competing thoughts & behaviors—things that do not allow you to do them and ruminate at the same time. Concentrate on things that have brought enjoyment outside of work. They are malignant personalities. “Low-grade sadists = actually enjoy tormenting their victim. Many individuals simply believe in management by intimidation. RUMINATE: Also do not ruminate about the bully’s motivation. “Why did he do what he did?” You can’t believe someone can be that cruel! In fact, they can and are often so very cruel! Searching for the answer can prove elusive. It’s a waste of your time,

Stages of fighting Stage 1: Becoming aware
Stage 2: Performing diagnosis Stage 3: Preparing to fight Stage 4: Fighting back Stage 2: Performing a full diagnosis It usually takes some time to evaluate a bully, to analyze his nature and get a handle on how he might impact you. Your evaluation will steer your approach to fighting back. As you study his behaviors, compare them with various bullying techniques described on this website. That will allow you to determine his skill level and the potential for hidden behaviors, such as manipulation, backstabbing and rumor-mongering. Consider his underlying motives, as well as his specific intentions towards you. A friendly approach Friendly face-to-face conversation is a useful approach to gathering information. For example, ask him to help you better understand your role in the company and his vision for the future. Act like you accept everything he says at face value; but later, when you have time to contemplate his words and behaviors, try to read between the lines. After leaving work, make a few notes about his statements and behaviors. Looking back over several weeks or months of entries, you may gain useful insights into his intentions and methods. Connect with co-workers It also helps to discuss the behavior of a bully with your co-workers. This should be handled very discreetly, without disclosing your concerns. Over lunch, away from your workplace, try pointing out one of the bully’s outward attributes, then watch for their reaction; a little eye-rolling or snickering on their part speaks volumes. Ask about your co-workers’ past experiences with the bully, or if they know much about his background. Through this process, you may find the missing pieces of the puzzle. An ongoing process Once you’ve fully diagnosed the situation, you are ready to go to Stage 3. However, understanding a workplace bully is an ongoing process, so many elements of Stage 2 will continue for the duration of your battle. That way you will more quickly recognize changes in his bullying behaviors--perhaps as he gains or loses power in the company--and thus you can modify your strategy accordingly. Stage 3: Preparing to fight back In a sense, this entire website is about preparing to fight back. First you develop an understanding of workplace bullies, then you learn specific techniques for dealing with them in day-to-day situations. STAGE 3: A good starting point is to study various levels of response (gentle, active or assertive, as described below). Then adopt a style for responding to bullying, following a few basic guidelines (also in this section), such as staying calm, cool and collected; using a simple but powerful communication style; or learning to find humor in the situation. Stage 4: Fighting back Finally, after all your learning and preparation, you are prepared to fight back. Maybe you won’t experience serious attacks from a bully until then, but it is more likely that you were already under attack when you began studying this website. People rarely find themselves in an ideal situation. That’s the nature of dealing with workplace bullying: uncertain, stressful, challenging and full of setbacks. But in the end, it doesn’t really matter whether you get there in an orderly process or as a last-ditch effort to make sense out of a nasty, confusing situation. The important thing is that you have decided to take control of your destiny at work. After you’ve studied the spectrum of techniques available to you, choose an approach that best fits your situation and personality. It may not be comfortable at first, but it should be something you can grow into over time.

Basic levels of response
Gentle: Ignore bullying Active: Confirm bullying Assertive: Respond with skill Aggressive: Use with caution! Vicious: Not recommended! Level One: Gentle Ignore the bullying behavior and be friendly towards the bully Pretend he didn’t say anything meaningful and calmly ask: “How’s it going?” “What’s new?” Or invite him to lunch or a similar act of friendship, again without showing any signs of reacting to his bullying. This method works well in dealing with random aggression by a non-threatening bully. It also helps establish you as a poised, positive individual who isn’t rattled by petty criticisms or unprofessional attacks. Level Two: Active Confirm that you are being bullied Remember that an instance of bullying does not necessarily mean you are dealing with a bully. You need to find out for sure. Consider whether the incident is a simple misunderstanding. Is it possible you’re the one at fault? Or that this person was manipulated by someone else, acting as a result of distorted information or false perceptions created by a clever bully? Alternatively, the incident may represent social incompetence, or even someone under extreme duress. The best response may be one of empathy instead of automatically treating someone as an aggressive bully. But you won’t know for sure until you confirm what is happening. Ask questions to understand his thinking, or just act confused. The most powerful technique is to begin questions with the word “Why.” Or you might say: “I don’t understand what your point is.” “What are you trying to say?” “What’s your point?” A simple path to victory Not only does this simple approach allow you to confirm the bullying, but they are forthright methods to confront bullying behavior. If the bully is testing your character, he learns from your assertive response that you aren’t an easy target. Or if he is merely an opportunistic bully, he learns to be more careful around you in the future. The bully may even admire your assertive approach, possibly causing him to deal with you more respectfully than your submissive co-workers. Level Three: Assertive Use your expertise to assertively respond Most fighting with an active workplace bully will occur at this level. First, evaluate the situation to determine an appropriate technique for responding. Next, decide on a specific tactic or phrase. Then respond in a calm, assertive manner. Level Four: Aggressive (Use with caution!) Take an aggressive approach In some cases, you may want to use a more aggressive response to a workplace bully. These techniques should be used with caution, however, due to the high potential for backfiring. Nevertheless, it can be comforting to know you have some very powerful tools at your disposal. Subsequent sections include a number of aggressive techniques. Using one example for now, let’s say you are discussing something with a bully at a meeting, with others present. Suddenly the bully loses his temper, and rants at you for a minute. When he stops, you calmly say: “Don’t hold back, tell us how you really feel.” “I sense you may be harboring some anger towards me.” Undesirable results If you embarrass a bully or threaten his standing in the company, you risk causing him to step up his attacks. An aggressive response to bullying may also make you appear vindictive, or permanently ruin your relationship with the bully. It is usually better to take a more tactful approach, especially when you are playing with someone else’s reputation (even if you think he deserves to be taken down a notch). Separating leaders from egotists This type of humor can effectively diffuse a tense moment with a decent, well-meaning leader who has lost his temper. He should see the humor of the situation, realize there is no benefit in continuing his tantrum, and calm down. But imagine trying this tactic on your usually good-natured boss, and--surprise--it turns out that he is actually an egotistical, pompous, prima donna. Your humorous comment could be both your first and last attempt to diffuse his bullying. Here’s a good rule of thumb: embarrass an arrogant, powerful, image-conscious bully in front of others and you will be fired within a month. WARNING: Embarrassing a workplace bully in front of others may lead to an undesirable outcome. Use with extreme caution! Level Five: Vicious (Not recommended!) Take a vicious approach If you use one of these methods, you may be as bad as--or even worse than--the bully. Not recommended, but still useful to understand the methodology. It may even bring catharsis, like a good vengeance movie. The primary goal is to embarrass the bully, most likely causing permanent damage to his reputation in the company. The bigger his ego, the further he will fall. Severe retribution is his most likely response (and hence the stupidity of anyone actually using a vicious approach to dealing with bullying). Here’s one method: Mock a bully in a manner that is harshly satirical (and potentially extremely funny, if the bully’s ego is large enough). However, this won’t work if done awkwardly, or in front of an audience sympathetic or loyal to the bully. It goes like this: at a meeting, wait until the bully attacks you, and ask for a chance to respond. Then pretend you agree with the bully’s comment, but follow his logic to its extreme but obviously absurd conclusion. For example, when a bully dominates a meeting by interrupting, contradicting, attacking and giving monologues, wait until the next time you make a comment and he snaps at you. Let’s assume he says: “You don’t know what you’re talking about.” In response, you say: “You know, you may be right, I probably don’t know what I’m talking about, at least in comparison to you. I don’t even know why I try to think when I’m in a meeting with you. Your knowledge and intelligence are clearly superior to mere mortals like us, and if you want our opinions, I’m sure you’ll give them to us. And thanks for gracing us with your god-like presence.” At this point, you may witness the full glory of his temper. You can just sit back and smile, showing the others that you perceive the bully as a ridiculous, arrogant person who doesn’t bother you in the least. Enjoy the feeling of having humiliated a powerful bully, and then go prepare your resignation letter. SECOND WARNING: If you humiliate a workplace bully, there may be some very unpleasant results. This approach is not recommended!

Your Style in Fighting Back
Calm, cool and collected Honest, sincere and positive Simple, powerful communication Humor Lighten up Adopt a Sumo Wrestler’s Tactics to Battle Back Within that style, several key elements must be present. Your goal should be to remain poised under fire, showing everyone in your company that you are emotionally well-balanced and free from self-serving aggression. (This would be in sharp contrast to an arrogant, volatile bully, which can work to your advantage.) Using the right phrase at the right time is not enough to respond to bullying. You must also display a personal style that makes your words powerful. Doing battle with a workplace bully is a little like sumo wrestling. Sumo wrestlers try to force each other out of a ring either by using superior strength or catching their opponent off guard. When a target confronts a workplace bully, they shouldn’t use physical strength. But they can disarm a bully that is using intimidation—the bully’s strongest weapon—by adopting a positive mindset. Even if you don’t feel calm, act like you are. Otherwise you will be exposing your weaknesses to the bully. In time, the style you choose will become more real to you, more comfortable to display. Therefore, your challenge in taking on the workplace bully is to act consistently positive. Nothing puzzles a workplace bully more than a positive attitude on the part of his target. The bully is looking for a reaction. Imagine what happens when the target doesn’t react. Charlene was the new team leader for a manufacturing company. She had to learn about the company’s products quickly, and she was up to the task. Let’s look at the experience of a typical target when she took this advice: Your task is to react to every “blow” with a sense of detachment. Nancy, a peer and team member, however, displayed little confidence in Charlene. She verbally attacked Charlene, and criticized her leadership. She even sabotaged a sales campaign that was instituted shortly after the team came together. The weekend before Charlene put her plan into action, she set aside some time for an “attitude adjustment.” She did things she liked to do. She took her children to the park on Saturday and took a long run that afternoon. She and her husband got a baby sitter and went out to a movie on Sunday night. Every time she thought of Nancy, she told herself she was enjoying himself now and would deal with Nancy on Monday morning. She knew it was time to take on the workplace bully. When Charlene looked at her team during one Monday morning meeting, she saw she was losing them. When Nancy arrived late, Charlene made a mental note to talk to her later. Nancy frequently arrived after meetings had begun, and Charlene told her privately after the team meeting that this behavior wasn’t acceptable. Nancy looked surprised, grumbled and walked away. Monday morning came and with it, the meeting that always started the week. This morning, however, was different. When Nancy interrupted with a foolish question, Charlene answered her with a brief, concise statement and went back to what she was saying without missing a beat. When Charlene handed out a strategy already agreed to by the team, Nancy sighed loudly and said under her breath, “This will never work.” Charlene countered with, “I’m sorry, Nancy. I couldn’t hear you.” Nancy didn’t repeat her complaint. Throughout the meeting, Charlene held the upper hand. She gave Nancy direction and feedback clearly, honestly and in short, simple sentences. Bullies often take advantage of rambling explanations to act puzzled or ask questions on insignificant points. This wasn’t the end of Nancy’s bullying ways, however. Two days later Nancy came in swinging again. Charlene persisted. She continued to respond in a positive manner as: Nancy saw she couldn’t shake her. Charlene maintained a relaxed posture and always responded positively. She didn’t show Nancy any enthusiasm, but she wasn’t rude either. She asked Nancy questions, like, “What is it about making an in-person call that you don’t understand?” or repeated her statement instead of trying to convince Nancy by explaining. She used humor to make light of Nancy’s attacks. Even when Nancy was vicious, Charlene responded as if she were quietly amused instead of offended. But Charlene remained true to her mission. Like the victorious sumo wrestler, her opponent could not force her out of the ring. Charlene had learned the advantages of a positive approach to disarm her workplace bully. Most importantly, Charlene maintained her positive approach. Her face and body looked relaxed. Nancy and others saw it. Little by little, Nancy bullied less often. She never became an ally; occasionally, she still went on the attack. Eventually, your calm, sincere, positive demeanor will greatly reduce the impact of bullying on your life. And when you counter a bully’s attack, you will exude natural confidence and power. When you are emotional, act as if you are detached. Speak slowly and clearly. Maintain a relaxed facial expression and body language. Smile occasionally, when appropriate, to show the bully that nothing bothers you. Act calm and self-possessed. 1. Be calm, cool and collected Your style: Be honest about your intentions and desires. Always respond in a positive way, no matter how negative the attack. Your positive mannerisms and words will stand in sharp contrast to the negativity of a bully. By displaying a positive attitude, you will end up on top regardless of how events turn out. 2. Always be honest, sincere and positive 3. Use a simple, powerful communication style A single pithy comment communicates far more than a rambling explanation. For example, when a bully unfairly criticizes something you did and asks for an explanation, you could either become defensive and struggle to debate him--which plays right into his hands--or just nonchalantly say: The simplest approach is usually the most effective. For example, when you respond to an attack by asking questions of the bully, use concise, direct phrasing. Or if you confront the bully, get right to the point, keeping your sentences short. 4. Use humor when spontaneous and appropriate “Because that’s the best way to do it.” When you are being attacked, don’t get upset. Instead, act amused and find the subtle humor in it. You may want to display a faint smile--but don’t overdo it, or else people will think you’re a little off. Better still, let your eyes show that you are smiling inside. Then you’ll be like a polished comedian who never laughs at his own jokes. Try a little humor to lighten things up. It will communicate volumes about your refusal to be bullied. This is a skill that requires a positive, relaxed attitude, as well as a good sense of humor. You can’t force it. Either something tickles your funny bone or it doesn’t. Be careful, though. Avoid jokes and puns, which are useless at best, and will probably diminish your ability to fight bullying. You don’t want people to stop taking you seriously. If they think your sense of humor is forced, you won’t be effective when it really counts. Be sure not to use humor when inappropriate; otherwise, it will most likely backfire. And be cautious about the frequent use of humor, or you may get the reputation of being from the “land of the easily amused.” It’s usually best to watch for that key moment when a good laugh can diffuse the tension or overcome a bullying attack. When dealing with a bully, effective humor usually consists of concise statements, often conveying very subtle amusement at his absurdities. For example, when a bully makes an overly harsh judgment about your character, you may find humor merely by repeating his key phrase as a question. Add a little exaggeration if possible, and have an amused look on your face. A faint grin is often effective. If he solemnly says yes, he checked the restroom, you may have a more serious problem on your hands. Perhaps he says in a critical tone of voice: “Why do you disappear all the time? I couldn’t find you this morning.” With a slightly amused expression, you answer: “This morning? Did you check the restroom?” Don’t take yourself too seriously. If you make a mistake, it’s not the end of the world. Only people who have the courage to try are in a position to fail. By making mistakes, you will eventually do it right; by trying, you will eventually improve your situation. In the long run, you can only fail if you do nothing. 5. Lighten up Depending on your line of work and the types of companies you tend to work for, dealing with bullies may occur over a period of weeks, months or even years. To be effective, you must develop an ongoing alertness to the subtle methods of workplace bullying. Staying alert to a workplace bully Be skeptical, not naive How to stay alert: 1. Be skeptical, not naive Don’t let your guard down Anticipate his next move When a potential bully turns on the charm, don’t be fooled. Personal charisma often hides a ruthless manipulator. You can’t afford to be naive. Never give a bully the benefit of the doubt. Acknowledge the reality of his character and intentions, which includes his tendency to befriend people before he undermines them. Be alert for subtle attacks in his words and mannerisms. But, as always, tactfully confirm it is truly bullying before responding. Be savvy, not paranoid. Never take anything a bully says or does at face value. Look for the hidden reality, including his underlying motives. Don’t be fooled by superficial charm that conceals ruthless ambition. A skilled bully is a master of deceit. His moves are usually difficult to detect, and even more difficult to anticipate. 2. Anticipate his next move Until you become an expert at identifying workplace bullies, resolve to never fully trust an aggressive co-worker until you know his true intentions. But there is hope. Once you understand his underlying intentions, you can watch for patterns in his behavior. Perhaps this will provide you with clues as to his favored methods for bullying you. Then at least you won’t be completely surprised by his next deception or attack. Start by understanding his thinking. What are his main motivations? What does he want to achieve in the company? What is his attitude towards you? What does he want from you? How could he use you to achieve his goals? Do you have any obvious vulnerabilities that he could exploit? How has he bullied you in the past? Which types of bullying were most effective in getting you to change your behavior? Next, use your understanding to anticipate his next move. Who does he already have under his control? Who will he try to manipulate next? Will it be you? How will he try to manipulate you? Or let’s say you are about to meet with him on a particular topic. What is he likely to want in this particular situation? What tactics will he most likely use? What tactics has he used in similar situations in the past? No matter how convenient it seems, don’t blindly submit to a bully’s aggression. It may seem like the path of least resistance, but when you yield to his attacks, you encourage repeat bullying. Don’t reward him for attacking you. You never know when a workplace bully may strike. Any time you are dealing with a bully, you are exposing yourself to an attack. 3. Don’t let your guard down Don’t be sidetracked by a bully’s words. Remember that intentions and actions matter more. Never accept his explanations and rationalizations. However, it may be productive to pretend to accept him at face value, though underneath your friendly manner you should possess an appropriate level of skepticism. Always be ready with your defense; he may target you when you least expect it. Often a bully’s most manipulative action or most devastating criticism comes right after you sense a growing camaraderie. When he sees your guard has been lowered, he takes advantage. When you are tempted to let your guard down, consider his driving ambition. Why is he going out of his way to make you feel comfortable and secure? Could it be that he is trying to charm you before he manipulates you?

Strategies for Taking a Stand
Cognitive Rehearsal (Griffin,2004) Cognitive : Technique that allows one to consciously process info from the aggressor before responding. Griffin (2004) in a controlled study without randomization taught “cognitive rehearsal” to newly graduated nurses. These nurses received education on horizontal violence, role modeling, and rehearsal in an interactive session & then received cue cards with a script & professional behaviors to act out for each of 10 identified types of horizontal violence. At the end of the training period, participants reported using their training when experiencing horizontal violence & reported that the training prevented further acts of horizontal violence, The retention of newly registered during this first year was 91%, when the national average has been described between 40% and 60%.

Remember Bullies are Inadequate, Defective, & Poorly Developed People
Targets are Empathetic, Just, & Fair People

Choices of Actions Negotiate with the offender, attempt to work it out
Don’t provoke Don’t expect to “win” Plan an escape Resign Move on Work around offender Rise above the situation Disclose Whistle-blowing Fight with legal means Violence is not an option! TIME LIMITS: so it is imperative to discuss your legal concerns with a qualified attorney,, or appropriate civil rights enforcement agency, such as the EEOC, as soon as possible. Usually the employer is held liable, not an individual employee. DISCLOSE: Think of the consequences carefully. Do not blow the whistle without an exit strategy already in place. FIGHT: (Time limits for a discrimination claim-often as little as 6 mo after the last act of harassment or discrimination)

Individualized Responses to Different Bully Types
The Competitive Bully – wants what someone else has The openly hostile bully –likes to control others through fear Thrill seeking bully – likes to stir up trouble for entertainment value Self-absorbed (narcissistic) Personality-disordered bullies – difficulty with honest concern for others, only want what they want Psychopathic bullies Competitive Bully: Label what is happening, Tell the bully who is trying to get their job. I know what game you are playing and if you really want to get ahead you might consider fostering more + work relationships instead of operating on jealousy & envy. Bully will deny that that is what they are doing. Provide some clear examples of their undermining behavior. Openly Hostile: Confront the bully publicly, Tell them you will not tolerate being mistreated & shouted at, and that you want the behavior to stop. If it does not stop, you have the option if saying “I will not put up with this kind of treatment” and walk out. Follow up with a formal complaint with a senior manager. Caution, this will only work if a company has reasonable policies prohibiting this kind of bullying, & there are managers in place willing to address the issue,. If not, the best option would be for an employee to seek the support of co-workers who must also live with the bully’s abusive behavior. Going as a group to senior management will often be more successful in a situation like this, since it tends to break down senior management’s denial of the problem. THRILL: need to be kept busy with other stimulating activities. Trying to get this type of bully involved in extra-curricular activities where they can obtain stimulation without doing too much damage is the recommended option. Some can be persuaded to find stimulation in intrigues involving movie stars, going gambling, bar hopping or attending car races, Some can be “hooked on” Internet games & chat lines. Anything a target can do to encourage the person to seek stimulation elsewhere will be helpful,. One office convinced a thrill seeking bully to run for public office,. Other coworkers helped the office bully to “find herself” in community theatre where she could be in a different kind of limelight, The goal is to get the person’s needs for stimulation met in a variety of forums to reduce the amount of intrigue and rabble rousing he or she will stir up in the office. NARCISSTIC bullies: those whose level of self-absorption knows no bounds, are more difficult to redirect, because their focus in entirely on themselves. Perhaps the most difficult situation for a narcissistic bully to deal with is employees who establish boundaries. “ I’d love to talk, but I have work to do”. I’d love to help, but I’m pretty swamped right now”. It is important to establish boundaries with narcissistic bullies to avoid being sucked dry by their constant demands for attention & help. Narcissistic bullies love “rescuers”- people who will help them as they go their merry ways, Not allowing oneself to be used is the best way to deal with a narcissistic bully, Realizing that you are not going to listen to them talk about themselves, do their work, or flatter their egos, they will quickly move on to someone who will. PERSONALITY disordered bullied – have often come from abusive family backgrounds. Likely to seek & need approval,. Become very volatile when faced with rejection or abandonment by others. They can become quite vindictive, Best approach is to simply keep things light – smile , compliment them on something chat a bit, then move on. Confronting or giving them the impression that you are judging them will cause them to retaliate or become explosive. Lacking boundaries & impulse control, things can quickly spiral out of control. PSYCHOPATHIC BULLIES: most difficult to deal with. Lack empathy, glib & superficially charming, Best approach is to remove oneself from the person’s sphere of influence. Usually leave a wasteland in anonymous note to senior management telling them to look into what is occurring may be the best option. Anytime one has concerns about the episode escalating into physical violence, the best option is to either remove oneself from the line of fire,,,,,, by requesting a stress leave, asking for a transfer, or seeking another position their wake- ruined relationships, organizations, & individuals who feel destroyed & unsure they will ever recovery. There is a potential for violence, so any target who is being threatened should report the threat to the police, Anyone dealing with a psychopathic bully who feels physically threatened should attempt to extricate themselves from the situation as quickly as possible. Where there is clear evidence of wrongdoing or unethical conduct, an or ask a more senior person to confront the problem, If a direct threat has been made against you, consider calling the police,

Bullies can be Categorized by their tactics - Namie
The Screaming Mimi Use Silent Mantra find vulnerable spot Journal Constant Critic use humor, deep breath, “Thank Goodness, My life would not be complete without this person’s criticism” Get a 2nd opinion Ask for support But a bully can adopt any tactic at any time to accomplish their goal. MIMI: yells, screams, curses, angry outbursts, tantrums. Suggest using The Silent Mantra. In medication the mantra is one of the most powerful ways to relax & stay centered. A suggested mantra is “Hear the valuable stuff. Ignore the anger. It’s not yours. Find: focus your attention on one feature of the bully’s physical appearance you find most awkward. You can feel a renewed sense of inner strength because you are not taking her too seriously. Journal- get you anger out. “ I hate you…..” CRITIC – extremely negative, nitpicker, perfectionist, whiner, complainer, faultfinder, liar. Loved by senior management because of ability to get these people to produce. When the bully is the boss, the performance evaluation system is misused to manufacture incompetence where none existed before the new boss. Name-calling, insults, put-downs, frowns, fabricated errors, impossible deadlines, overconfident body language, 2nd opinion- assess the Critic’s criticism

Two-Headed Snake 1. The “Backstabber” snake 2. The “Jekyll & Hyde” snake 3. The “No Problem, Don’t Bother” snake Enlist supporters Stay calm and emotionally in control Be clear you will not tolerate or cooperate with misleading/dishonest statements Keep repeating what you consider unacceptable behavior & what you will or will not do Passive-aggressive, indirect, dishonest pretends to be nice while sabotaging you, smile hides naked aggression. Assassinates reputation with higher-ups. Plays favorites. Ensures the Target does not have resources to do work. Uses lies or half-truths, threatens noncooperation (the “divide & conquer” technique, creates a special personnel file kept in bully’s car or locked in her office full of defamatory information to sabotage Target’s career inside or outside the organization. Backstabber: tells you one thing, then says something entirely different behind your back. They kiss up the ladder & attack those below. Tells you your doing wonderful but tells her boss she needs help getting rid of you because you can’t perform. JEKYLL & HYDE: sweetness mask alternates with a mean streak. Vicious one minute & human & encouraging the next. NO PROBLEM: Snakes tell you no problem, after they have violated the rules & they want to cover it up. Are unethical & expect help carrying out their unethical plans. Practice what you will say. i.e. “ I want us to work together. Here’s what we can do to make that happen…” “There’s a specific problems you & I can solve if we remember to …” “There’s something you do that I need to ask you to try to do a little differently next time,,.,.” “There’s a way you & I can improve our work situation, Are you interested?” Expect the Bully to reply illogically. Demand clarity. Clarity cuts through confusion,

The Gatekeeper Plan a discussion away from the office Expect resistance & awkwardness Timing is everything Opportunistic Bully = the climbers ingratiation by the academics * Substance-Abusing Bullies The controllers. Puts self in the middle of everything. Deliberately cuts Target out of the communication loop, denies privileges & rights to Targets who file complaints, ignores Target, silent treatment, makes up new rules on a whim. Can ask friend to set up a meeting. Remember timing is everything & the situation can be resolved, but there are seldom overnight changes. Opportunists have allies—we call them executive sponsors—big bosses think the opportunistic bullies can do no wrong. Opportunists are keen Readers of signals in the work environment, By changing the workplace culture, opportunistic bullies can be stopped.

Types of Bullies Obvious Bully Easily triggered Pushy obnoxious
micromanaging control freak arrogant self-righteous know-it-all Covert Clever Bully Very subtle, betrays, mind games gamesmanship, half truths, creates chaos COVERT: Belittles your accomplishments, May criticize you with presuppositions and a hidden premise to the rest of his statement “Try not to let me down again.” “Do you think it will be as much a struggle for you as last time?” May cross examine you intensely “Just answer my question”. “Don’t go looking for someone else to blame.” May be inpatient with you or suggests your demeanor falls short of professional standards “What’s wrong with you today” “Your bringing down the project team.” May attack your character, suggests you have a hidden motive. May suggest you are deficient psychologically. Sets you up for failure May play the victim “You betrayed my trust in you”. “You betrayed me in my hour of need.” “How could you do that to me”. “I thought I could count on you”. Preaches mutual trust but betrays your trust in him. Meeting Hog Hypercritical Malicious rumors Excludes you from social interaction within the company. May use highly aggressive phrases to intimidate you “Why are you being so selfish?”

STRATEGIZE & Journal What are some of the reasons I have to feel good about myself Explore existing friendships In what way do I play the role of a bully victim? Have I really tried to stop someone from bullying me? What strategies did I try? Did any work? What payoff did I get? What have I used in the past? What other strategies can I try? Explore who friends are, how did they become my friends & why

Strategies Staying alert to a workplace bully Anticipate his next move
Don’t let your guard down Don’t be sidetracked by a bully’s words When you are tempted to let your guard down, consider his driving ambition Always be ready with your defense; he may target you when you least expect it Depending on your line of work and the types of companies you tend to work for, dealing with bullies may occur over a period of weeks, months or even years. To be effective, you must develop an ongoing alertness to the subtle methods of workplace bullying. How to stay alert: Be skeptical, not naive Anticipate his next move Don’t let your guard down 1. Be skeptical, not naive When a potential bully turns on the charm, don’t be fooled. Personal charisma often hides a ruthless manipulator. You can’t afford to be naive. Never take anything a bully says or does at face value. Look for the hidden reality, including his underlying motives. Don’t be fooled by superficial charm that conceals ruthless ambition. Never give a bully the benefit of the doubt. Acknowledge the reality of his character and intentions, which includes his tendency to befriend people before he undermines them. Be alert for subtle attacks in his words and mannerisms. But, as always, tactfully confirm it is truly bullying before responding. Be savvy, not paranoid. Until you become an expert at identifying workplace bullies, resolve to never fully trust an aggressive co-worker until you know his true intentions. ANTICIPATE: A skilled bully is a master of deceit. His moves are usually difficult to detect, and even more difficult to anticipate. But there is hope. Once you understand his underlying intentions, you can watch for patterns in his behavior. Perhaps this will provide you with clues as to his favored methods for bullying you. Then at least you won’t be completely surprised by his next deception or attack. Start by understanding his thinking. What are his main motivations? What does he want to achieve in the company? What is his attitude towards you? What does he want from you? How could he use you to achieve his goals? Do you have any obvious vulnerabilities that he could exploit? How has he bullied you in the past? Which types of bullying were most effective in getting you to change your behavior? Next, use your understanding to anticipate his next move. Who does he already have under his control? Who will he try to manipulate next? Will it be you? How will he try to manipulate you? Or let’s say you are about to meet with him on a particular topic. What is he likely to want in this particular situation? What tactics will he most likely use? What tactics has he used in similar situations in the past? DON’T: You never know when a workplace bully may strike. Any time you are dealing with a bully, you are exposing yourself to an attack. No matter how convenient it seems, don’t blindly submit to a bully’s aggression. It may seem like the path of least resistance, but when you yield to his attacks, you encourage repeat bullying. Don’t reward him for attacking you. SIDETRACKED: Remember that intentions and actions matter more. Never accept his explanations and rationalizations. However, it may be productive to pretend to accept him at face value, though underneath your friendly manner you should possess an appropriate level of skepticism. TEMPTED: . Why is he going out of his way to make you feel comfortable and secure? Could it be that he is trying to charm you before he manipulates you? DEFENSE: Often a bully’s most manipulative action or most devastating criticism comes right after you sense a growing camaraderie. When he sees your guard has been lowered, he takes advantage.

Basic failsafe response by Dave Chapman
The most reliable response is also the most simple: interrupt him and walk away. After you have both calmed down, you can return to face the bully. It is best to choose a single phrase, one that fits your likely situation. You can make it very simple and abrupt, such as: “Will you excuse me? I’m going to get a drink of water.” “Excuse me, but I need to go to the restroom.” “Pardon me; I need to make a phone call.” But if he yells again, excuse yourself and abruptly leave.

To avoid coming across too harshly, use variety in your phrasing of the question “why” “And why is that?” “Why do you believe that?” “How come?” “But why?” “What’s underlying that?”

Basic Failsafe Approach by Dave Chapman
Another approach is to just smile and act amused, then excuse yourself and walk away. This will convey to a bully that you have no interest in hearing anything more from him on that particular topic. For example, grin and say calmly: “Maybe you’re right. Will you excuse me?” Then turn and walk away, without waiting to see his reaction. If he screams obscenities or threatens you as you leave the room, just keep walking and say: “Sorry, I need to leave,” without looking back.

Basic Failsafe Response by Dave Chapman
You can also include a suggestion that you meet the bully at some other time “I’m headed out to lunch, but we can talk later.” “I have to go now, but let’s get together later.” “I want to hear you out, but first I need to finish something.” “Excuse me; I need to go. Let’s finish this later.”

If he calms down, you can suggest a specific meeting or lunch to fully discuss his comments. For example: “I want to get this resolved. Can we meet later to talk about it?” If he says yes, you can ask: “How about four this afternoon?”

Aggressive failsafe response by Dave Chapman
you repeatedly ask “Why?” Use some variation in wording, and occasionally use full phrases to sound more conversational. Focus your questions specifically on discovering his underlying thoughts and intentions. For example, if he yells that you failed him, you can ask: “Excuse me, but why do you think I failed you?” Listen intently to his responses, and then phrase your next question accordingly. Are you ready for a more assertive approach? If so, you can prepare a failsafe response that allows you to calm down the bully and take control of the conversation. The essence of this approach is to interview an agitated bully until you’ve reached his underlying motivation. As you do this, be careful not to display any anxiety. No matter how loud or obnoxious the attack, respond calmly, in a sincere and direct manner WHY: The essence of each question should always be the same: “Why?” LISTEN INTENTLY: . For example, if he responds: “You haven’t been listening to me,” you can ask: “And how did you come to the conclusion I wasn’t listening to you?” (Which is a more conversational version of: “Why do you think I wasn’t listening to you?”) He may bait you with misstatements, innuendo or thinly veiled threats. Don’t be tempted to defend yourself. If he asks you a question, just briefly acknowledge it and move forward (“I’m not sure I can answer that, but tell me why you think...”). TO AVOID:

Aggressive Failsafe Response by Dave Chapman
Mix up your questions with a simple statement that demonstrates your confusion and curiosity. This will encourage him to expound on his thinking “I don’t understand what you’re getting at.” “Please help me understand what you’re trying to say.” He is more likely to relax and open up when he doesn’t feel like you are grilling him. Examples: Don’t be surprised if the bully calms down in response to your repeated questions. You’ve given him a chance to vent, you’ve demonstrated an eagerness to listen, you’ve shown him that you aren’t intimidated. You have thus taken away his main reasons for continuing to rant and rave.

Become an Expert in Failsafe Responses
Failsafe responses are needed at the most intense moments of dealing with a bully Choose one or two basic phrases & practice them “Excuse me; I need to go. Let’s finish this later.” Give your co-workers a knowing smile and walk away, unbullied

Primary Responses to Bullying
Interrupting Questioning Paraphrasing Resolving the issue Humorous responses Avoiding mistakes . Learn to interrupt a bully Responding to a bully often requires you to interrupt him. Much of his power stems from overwhelming people during conversations, preventing them from exposing his underhanded tactics or correcting his misstatements. To have any hope of countering an attack, you must first get him to stop talking. Bullies count on politeness in others Are you worried about coming across as rude? A bully prefers politeness in others, considering it a sign of weakness, naiveté or vulnerability. But a bully isn’t polite when he intimidates and undermines you, so why do you feel compelled to be polite when you’re defending yourself? You can use polite phrasing, of course, such as “Excuse me,” but you will need a more assertive approach to interrupt his diatribes. Don’t feel any need to hold back out of consideration for his feelings. If he points out your rudeness (his mischaracterization of assertiveness), ignore his sniping and focus on the real issue. Interrupting a bully To effectively interrupt a bully, say his name. Look him right in the eyes. Speak clearly in a strong, steady voice. Repeat his name, without glancing away, until he stops talking. But what if he continues talking? Or even yelling? Then continue repeating his name, with the exact same tone of voice, over and over again. In the very rare case he persists in talking (or yelling), say his name louder and louder. At some point--perhaps just to get you to shut up--he will be forced to stop speaking. He may look at you and angrily say: “WHAT?” There are a few other things you can say to interrupt him, such as: “Wait!” “Wait a second!” “Hold on!” “Hey, wait a minute!” “Take a breath!” Even with these phrases, you achieve greater impact by using his name, such as: “Hold on, ___. Take a breath!” Take control with questions As soon as the bully stops talking, ask him a question. That will give you control of the conversation (at least for the moment). Make your question brief. If he interrupts you before you finish, stop what you were saying and exclaim firmly: “Excuse me, but I’m not finished.” Repeat that phrase until he stops talking. For greater impact, include his name. When interrupting a bully in front of others, there is always a higher risk of a harsh reaction. If this occurs, concentrate on maintaining a calm appearance (no matter how you feel inside). This will stand in stark contrast to his agitated, negative, verbally destructive nature. In fact, your confrontation could expose the imbalanced nature of an out-of-control bully. In that case, the bully may trigger his own termination. Upper management rarely commits to such verbally violent people. 2. Asking questions The shortest, most direct path to understanding a bully is to ask him questions. Even when he doesn’t answer them honestly, you can still glean an idea of his true thinking and underlying intentions. Your goal is to continue asking questions until he clearly explains himself. As a practical matter, it may several sessions to make this happen. Or it may never happen. Nevertheless, you make progress when you ask questions and listen carefully to his responses. Convert bullying to conversations Asking questions allows you to gain control over the interaction with the bully. This can convert an incident of bullying into a more normal conversation and even permanently transform your relationship with the bully. For this reason alone, asking questions is a highly useful technique for responding to a bully, even when he doesn’t say anything meaningful. This technique can be effective in a variety of situations, including private confrontations, attacks in front of co-workers, or at meetings. Sample attack and response Let’s say a bully unleashes a verbal assault on your job performance. If it’s in the form of a tirade, you may need to use a failsafe response. But otherwise, you can wait for his assault to come to an end so you can respond. First, allow some silence to settle around the bully’s words. This simple act shows you were paying attention, and that you’re calm enough to thoughtfully respond (which is much better than displaying panic as you rush to defend yourself). Then ask a simple, direct question, such as asking him to clarify his attack: “Can you explain what you meant by ___?” Or if he used generalizations, you could ask him for the details: “What specifically did I do that makes you think I was ___?” When he responds to your initial question, listen carefully for a key word or phrase that represents the essence of his complaint. Then

Learn to interrupt a Bully
Bullies count on politeness in others Are you worried about coming across as rude? You can use polite phrasing, “Excuse me,” Don’t feel any need to hold back out of consideration for his feelings Say his name. Look him right in the eyes. Speak clearly in a strong, steady voice. Repeat his name, without glancing away, until he stops talking Responding to a bully often requires you to interrupt him. Much of his power stems from overwhelming people during conversations, preventing them from exposing his underhanded tactics or correcting his misstatements. To have any hope of countering an attack, you must first get him to stop talking. RUDE: A bully prefers politeness in others, considering it a sign of weakness, naiveté or vulnerability. But a bully isn’t polite when he intimidates and undermines you, so why do you feel compelled to be polite when you’re defending yourself? DON’T: but you will need a more assertive approach to interrupt his diatribes. If he points out your rudeness (his mischaracterization of assertiveness), ignore his sniping and focus on the real issue.

Learn to Interrupt If he continues talking? Or even yelling? Continue repeating his name, with the exact same tone of voice, over and over again. In the very rare case he persists in talking (or yelling), say his name louder and louder. At some point--perhaps just to get you to shut up--he will be forced to stop speaking. He may look at you and angrily say: “WHAT?” Also: “Wait!” “Wait a second!” “Hold on!” “Hey, wait a minute!” “Take a breath!” You achieve greater impact by using his name, such as: “Hold on, ___. Take a breath!”

Interrupting Take control with questions
As soon as the bully stops talking, ask him a question. That will give you control of the conversation (at least for the moment). Make your question brief. If he interrupts you before you finish, stop what you were saying and exclaim firmly: “Excuse me, but I’m not finished.” Repeat that phrase until he stops talking. For greater impact, include his name.

Interrupting When interrupting a bully in front of others, there is always a higher risk of a harsh reaction. If this occurs, concentrate on maintaining a calm appearance (no matter how you feel inside). This will stand in stark contrast to his agitated, negative, verbally destructive nature. In fact, your confrontation could expose the imbalanced nature of an out-of-control bully. In that case, the bully may trigger his own termination. Upper management rarely commits to such verbally violent people.

Questioning Turn the tables on the bully and use questions to regain control. First, set the tone: Be calm and direct Listen carefully to his responses. They will give you clues about what to ask next Look him in the eye. Don’t let him back down Ask more questions if he falters Questions are a powerful tool in responding to bullying at work. Watch any crime drama on television and you’ll get a clue about how effective questions can be. We have all seen this scene on television a hundred times: When the police have a suspect, the suspect sits “in the hot seat” across from the police detective. The detective asks: How well did you know the victim? Where were you on the night of (the crime)? Who were you with? Who can back up your story? Why were you there? What were you doing? And on, until the person being questioned either breaks down, or the detective has to let the suspect go. Why are questions so powerful? They establish who is in power, and they give the questioner an opportunity to clarify the situation. Wear the bully out with your questions. Better yet—like the detective—wear him down. You’ll soon learn how effective questions can be in responding to bullying at work.

Questioning Why do you think that? What would result if we did that?
What effect would that have? How do you think things would be different? When do you propose we start? Why? Who should be involved? What should happen if this approach fails?

Questioning Convert bullying to conversations
Sample attack and response The bully unleashes a verbal assault on your job performance. If it’s a tirade, you may need to use a failsafe response. Otherwise, wait for his assault to come to an end & then respond The shortest, most direct path to understanding a bully is to ask him questions. Even when he doesn’t answer them honestly, you can still glean an idea of his true thinking and underlying intentions. CONVERT: Your goal is to continue asking questions until he clearly explains himself. As a practical matter, it may several sessions to make this happen. Or it may never happen. Nevertheless, you make progress when you ask questions and listen carefully to his responses. Asking questions allows you to gain control over the interaction with the bully. This can convert an incident of bullying into a more normal conversation and even permanently transform your relationship with the bully. For this reason alone, asking questions is a highly useful technique for responding to a bully, even when he doesn’t say anything meaningful. This technique can be effective in a variety of situations, including private confrontations, attacks in front of co-workers, or at meetings.

Questioning Allow some silence to settle around the bully’s words. This simple act shows you were paying attention, and that you’re calm enough to thoughtfully respond (which is much better than displaying panic as you rush to defend yourself). Then ask a simple, direct question, such as asking him to clarify his attack: “Can you explain what you meant by ___?”

Questioning When he responds to your initial question, listen carefully for a key word or phrase that represents the essence of his complaint. Then use that word or phrase to ask another question. At some point, you may get to the bottom of his attack. Then you can respond with a clear statement “Now I see why you were concerned. I’ll be more careful in the future.” For example, if his rambling answer mentions that you “undermine” him in front of clients, your next question could be: “When did you start thinking I was undermining you in front of our clients?” Several options will be available for each of your responses. The choice you make isn’t as important as asking your question in a form that repeats some of his key words or phrases. In this way you will blend with his thinking and maintain control of the exchange. And as long as you keep pursuing the source of his original attack, you will make progress.

Questioning He may run out of patience and insist on ending the conversation or changing the subject. At that point, you can either drop it or suggest another time to work things out. As long as he is answering your questions--even when he is evasive--you can continue interviewing him until he responds clearly. Even better, use paraphrasing in combination with your questions.

Paraphrasing put the essence of his thinking into your own words, as concisely as possible. Then ask him to confirm your paraphrase Don’t get distracted “Let me be sure I heard you right.” “Let me make sure I understand you.” “I’d like to understand your point.” Paraphrasing is a powerful technique for exposing a workplace bully’s attack or uncovering his true intentions. Let’s say you just endured a lengthy, convoluted attack on your recent communication with a client. You’re not sure why he is complaining, but it seems to have something to do with undermining him. You could say: “So you believe that when I talk to clients, I might be undermining you. Is that what you’re saying?” D ISTRACTED: This may lead to a new, different attack (usually buried in his long-winded response to your question). In some cases, you may want to respond to the new attack by once again paraphrasing and asking him to confirm his meaning. Usually, however, you’re better off continuing to pursue the thinking behind his original attack, leaving his additional attacks for later. Otherwise, he may successfully sidestep providing any meaningful explanations (a favorite tactic of a clever bully). The bully may also try to distract you with a variety of irrelevant misstatements. These will be tempting targets for correction, but don’t take the bait. When confronted, bullies enjoy leading the conversation around in circles, especially at meetings. LAST: Don’t be surprised if he accuses you of intentionally misrepresenting his meaning (“You’re putting words in my mouth”). You can always explain: “I don’t mean to put words in your mouth; I’m just trying to understand what you’re saying.

Paraphrazing Then start your paraphrase by saying: “Are you saying ___?” “So you think ___?” So you believe that ___?” “So you feel that I’m ___?” “Why do you think ____?” “How would ____ lead to ____?”

Paraphrasing After you paraphrase him, you can ask: “Is that how you feel?” “Is that what you mean?” “Is that your point?” “Do I understand you correctly?” “Is that what you were trying to say?” If he responds in the negative, ask him more questions until he clarifies his thinking

Act to Resolve an Issue When complex, take it step-by-step.
Ask for his cooperation: “Can we talk about this?” “Can we try to figure out a way to resolve this?” Ask him to suggest a possible solution. Listen carefully to his response Once you’re on the same wavelength as the bully, make a decision on how to resolve the issue State your intention to the bully. If appropriate, obtain his agreement on specific actions that you will both take, such as: “Do you want to call the client, and I’ll go tell the staff?” End the conversation and leave Once you discover the meaning behind a bully’s attack, look for a way to resolve the issue. Your respectful, cooperative manner can help you achieve a quick victory over the bully without harming your working relationship. You might even earn his respect, causing him to avoid bullying you in the future. In many cases, you can resolve the issue quickly: “I’ll fix that right away.” Or: “I see your point. I won’t let it happen again.” ASK: You may need to ask additional questions, or use paraphrasing, to clarify his meaning and flesh out the detail (especially if he uses generalizations, a favorite tactic of bullies). Once again, you are seeking to discover the essence of his thinking amid the flurry of his words. END: leave which will ensure that you finish on a high note of cooperation, rather than allowing him to launch another attack so you finish on a low note of bullying

Humorous Responses To use this approach, look for contradictions and absurdities in a bully’s attacks or mannerisms. Make a subtle remark or ask a question that highlights the humorous aspect. Mock his innuendo Act amused Avoid sarcasm Even satire has its risks Mock his criticisms Humor can be an effective weapon against bullying. The extent to which you use humor should be determined by your personal style and the overall situation. In some cases, humor will diffuse the seriousness of his attack. You are showing him that you aren’t bothered by his bullying. Humor may even allow you to enjoy your dealings with a bully. Never forget that no matter how lightly you treat the situation, a skilled bully is usually playing for keeps. MOCK: Let’s say he treats your recent phone call with an ex-employee, now at a competitor, as very suspicious. Using innuendo, he suggests you are ing the ex-employee valuable documents. One possible response: “So you’re saying that I shouldn’t ask _____ where he left a client’s file because that might lead to my selling him company secrets?” A more subtle approach is to act amused by a bully’s attack. In the case of an unfair criticism, you could repeat the essence of his comment as a humorous question. For example, if he suggests you can’t follow simple directions, you could smile and say: “Maybe you’re right. Could you make them more complicated next time?” FUN: Not only can you have fun doing it, but you will highlight the bully’s arrogance. And by acknowledging your weaknesses, you deprive the bully of ammunition to attack you. Sarcasm: Be careful not to venture into sarcasm, however. It seems like a clever idea at the time, but it tends to come back to hurt you. Mild satire is a good alternative, but difficult to achieve without a well-developed sense of comedy. In the proper use of satire, you are like a good-natured stand-up comic who insults an audience member’s hometown, and then says: “You know I’m only kidding. I love people from ________.” There is a thin line between satire and sarcasm. If your voice is dripping with sarcasm, even well-intentioned satire will come across as sarcastic. But if you maintain a sincere, innocent tone of voice, it is more likely to be recognized as good-natured humor. It may be useful to add: “I’m only kidding around. You’re making some good points.” SATIRE: Always remember who you’re dealing with: a bully tends to be careful about his image, always alert for demeaning comments. Will he interpret your mild satire as a blatant attempt to embarrass him? If so, it won’t be the first time that someone with a good sense of humor ends up on a bully’s list of enemies. MOCK: Let’s assume you are brave (or foolish) enough to satirize a bully. A simple method is to exaggerate his unjustified, over-the-top criticisms by agreeing with his attack and then taking it one step further. If he accuses you of irrationally undermining his plans, you could respond: “You’re making a good point there. Yes, I’m finally beginning to see the light: I’m sorry I don’t understand why you’re always right.” LAUGH: . To accomplish this, respond to a bully’s attack by mocking your own mistakes and shortcomings. BE SINCERE: If you come across as sarcastic, you will do more harm than good. You may want to start with a simple acknowledgement of an obvious mistake. AT END: Using humor won’t guarantee a victory, but at least you can be comforted by the idea that you showed everyone you are above the ugly, small-minded attacks of a workplace bully. Those that can make fun of themselves show confidence—a great weapon to protect you from the bully. The point to remember is: You are not powerless. You have many strategies—trying them can help.

Technique not in the Literature

Humorous Responses It’s always better to laugh at yourself
A more tactful approach--and a highly effective use of humor--is to laugh at yourself Be sincere in your self-reproach Don’t be afraid to make fun of yourself in front of others If the bully accuses you of false humility, you can respond: “No way! I’m very proud of my humility. It’s one of my best qualities.”

Things to avoid in your technique
Don’t be defensive Don’t be timid Don’t be fooled Don’t stoop to his level Don’t become your own worse enemy in dealing with a workplace bully. Certain types of mistakes can give him the upper hand, especially if you repeat them over and over. 1. Don’t be defensive First of all, never let a bully put you on the defensive. Don’t apologize for your behavior, unless it was truly a mistake. Instead, just acknowledge that you heard his criticism, and state that you will be more careful in the future. Never argue or become angry. Never plead or beg. 2. Don’t be timid Never display a timid or wishy-washy personality. Otherwise, he will think you can be easily intimidated or manipulated. Never change your plans solely because of bullying and never give in to any unrealistic demands (except possibly to compromise on a minor item). Don’t buckle under the pressure of his threats. Don’t try to appease him. 3. Don’t be fooled You also need to show that you can’t be confused and misled. Never be fooled by a bully’s misstatements and never take his words at face value. Don’t automatically accept the premise of his comments or questions, which could sidetrack you from the main issue. Show him you can think clearly even when under attack. 4. Don’t stoop to his level Finally, never stoop to the level of a workplace bully. By learning these skills for fighting back, you will gain the ability (but I hope not the desire) to bully others. Don’t be tempted to use this new-found power for deception, manipulation and intimidation, even against bullies. It is always better to maintain your integrity and sense of fair play, even if it means letting a workplace bully get the upper hand, or losing your job.

Advanced Techniques Absorb his attack Subdue him
Give a controlled response Handle objections Deal with continued aggression Calmly disengage 1. Absorb the bully’s attack The first step is to calm the bully (while staying calm yourself). Ask questions to demonstrate that you sympathize with his problems. Your poise as you focus on his needs will demonstrate that you don’t take his attack personally, and your compassion and maturity will diffuse his desire to attack you. 2. Use the force of his attack to subdue him Get him to continue talking about the issue. Even if he is angry and yells, let him vent. He will eventually calm down. As part of this step, encourage him to restate his primary point. Ask him to clarify and expand on that point. Ask for his opinions on the matter. Ask about his relevant experiences in the past. Ask for his suggested solutions to the problem. For greatest impact, you must listen actively. This includes an abundance of follow-up questions to uncover specifics, as well as occasional use of paraphrasing to make sure you understand his points. Don’t forget to reevaluate your position. You should always consider the possibility that he is right. Acknowledging the truth doesn’t mean you are submitting to the bullying. If he is right, point it out. 3. Give a meaningful, controlled response Now that you have figured out the specifics behind his rants, offer to help him. Summarize the situation Start by summarizing the situation. This will demonstrate that you have listened carefully and you understand things from his perspective. This simple act may transform his entire attitude to you (some bullies only yell because they believe others don’t pay sufficient attention to their ideas). Summarize the options Next, summarize the options in the matter. Try to blend with the bully’s thinking process and language style (both terminology and phrasing). Again, this demonstrates you listened carefully and fully understand his problem. Give your conclusion Then give your conclusion, beginning with: “Here’s what I am going to do.” You may also need to give him options for his behavior. 4. Effectively respond to objections If he objects to your conclusion, restate your intentions, then describe his options again. Explain the benefits and problems of each of his options, then ask the bully to make a simple choice. 5. Effectively respond to continued aggression Don’t be surprised if the bully again tries to intimidate or manipulate you. But don’t give up; at least not yet. Instead, calmly reject his demands: “I’m sorry, but I can’t do that.” Next, ask him sincerely: “Is there anything else I can do to help you?” “Is there anything I can do to resolve this situation?” 6. If you still can’t overcome him, calmly disengage At some point, it may become clear that you can’t accomplish anything by continuing the discussion. You’ve done your best; don’t pursue it any further. In a friendly tone of voice, agree to disagree: “It looks like we disagree on this issue.” “Let’s just agree to disagree.” Then excuse yourself and leave. This will leave the door open for the bully to reform his ways. Once he has reflected on your mature, professional handling of his aggressive behavior, it could soften his approach. Even if you don’t see a clear victory in this battle, your calm, skillful and assertive interaction with the bully will go a long way towards winning the war. Simpler is usually better The techniques we have just covered are fairly straightforward. But don’t underestimate their power. Something as basic as paraphrasing could become the most potent weapon in your entire arsenal. Given the choice of two viable methods of responding to a bully, you should choose the simplest one. Not only does it provide a more direct approach--a weapon that you can more accurately aim and fire--but it also stands a good chance of being the most effective response in any given situation.

Insulted in Public? Unmask the Bully!
Take a deep breath and allow yourself time to process the comment. Recognize the insult for what it is—and is not Allow silence to form around the bully’s words Ask the bully direct questions, such as “What makes you think that?” “How do you see that quality in my action?” Use the “broken record technique,” that is, repeat your questions until the bully responds State your question firmly and with confidence For office bullies, every day is Halloween. That is, office bullies wear masks. They fear exposing their inner weakness. You can use this trait to your advantage when a bully insults or criticizes you in front of others. Try these steps: It is not a constructive suggestion for change. It is a bully’s challenge to embarrass you DIRECT Q : This puts the onus on the bully to respond. Since there’s likely to be little data or back up to support their original comment, the bully may have to back down. Give yourself time to quiet your natural desire to defend yourself. Defensiveness puts you in a weaker position. CONFIDENCE: There’s nothing a bully fears more than being unmasked. When you remain calm, in control and ask questions, you’re likely to expose the bully’s weakness—her ability to think clearly and support her conclusions.

Unmask the Bully – Strategy #2
Repeat the attack in your own words (paraphrase) and ask, “Is this what you mean?” Ask the bully to tell you specifically what you did and ask for a possible solution, for example, “Can you be more specific…?” State what you will do to implement the solution. If the bully persists with another “helpful” suggestion or attack, clearly state again what you’re willing to do and end the conversation ?” For example, suppose the bully says, “These weak sales figures are your fault.” After you recognize the insult as bullying and allow silence (see numbers one and two above), say, “Are you saying that I alone am responsible for a five percent drop in sales in the first quarter?” CONVERSATION: For example, “I’ll take your suggestion and follow up with you [in a specific time period]. Let’s move on.” There’s something else to take into account. Targets often believe that everyone in the office is against them, especially the bully. This is usually not the case. The squeaky wheel does not necessarily earn the respect! When you stand up to office bullies and unmask them, you are acting not only for yourself but for others, who know they may be the next ones singled out. Most folks want to spend their time working, not dealing with a workplace bully. Once you have established that you can hold your own in the face of a bully’s criticism, others will side with you. Make sure that Halloween is a part of your office celebration only once a year. Learn how to unmask the bully.

Confronting the Gossiper
Isolate the person. Find a place and time that you can talk to the bully/spreader of gossip, alone. “I have reason to believe you’re gossiping about me, and I’d like you to stop” Stop talking STOP: .” Just a simple statement is key. Do not look to converse and debate. A bully will never say, “oh, I’m sorry.” Rather they will look to deny, even defend and mostly dismiss your comments. Know that by stating that you know it (may) cause the bully to view you as stronger than they thought. TALKING: Trying to explain will land you in the middle of an argument you can’t win. Consider walking away first to show your confidence. Staying around for approval and/ or connection will not win you more power.

Witness Paralysis Abilene Paradox
Catastrophizing = People’s overblown negative fantasies Groupthink Dissonance Co-workers side with the Bully, the Aggressor Winners Take All-Targets are Losers Fear suppresses Action Why do witnesses watch & do nothing! Abilene: The Tx city is the namesake fir the paradox. It refers to the story (retold by Harvey) of a lousy decision by his family. On a hot summer day, the family piled into a car without air conditioning & drove too many miles to Abilene to try a new diner. The heat was oppressive & the food was lousy, But no one dared to speak in those terms until later that night back home. Finally the matriarch of the family broke the silence by complaining about the food, Then everyone chimed in with their complaint—the car was hot, it was stupid to try an unknown restaurant. It turns out that no one wanted to go in the first place, but no one said so when it mattered. Eventually, they all blamed the father for suggesting the drive there. Thus, whenever a group is about to do the wrong thing, despite knowing it’s the wrong thing, it is a group “on the road to Abiline”. Imagine a committee of bright people making a stupid decision. Each person alone thinks it is a stupid thing, but when the committee votes, they choose to do the stupid thing anyway! The paradox is that both the private & public versions of reality coexist & it is the mismanagement of agreement & public silence regarding what each individual knows to be true. In a bullying example, All of the Target’s co-workers know what is happening, Individually they would deplore the obvious pain the Target is experiencing, However, in a group setting, even without the bully present, they don’t do the right thing. When together, they don’t plan how to use their group power to overcome a lone bully. Instead, they ignore the rampant mistreatment by not communicating their positions or feelings publicly. People’s: They imagine the worst possible, riskiest outcome ( they would loose their jobs, the bully would turn on them. They would have a heart attack, etc. As a group they want to take no risk, they are very conservative. They let back things happen to the Target, that, they believe, as individuals, should not happen. Groupthink: The wrong thing is done by the group but they are not aware that the action is wrong. This is George Orwell’s term from 1984, a dark futuristic novel. Psychologists borrowed the term to describe a group incapable of critically assessing the pros & cons of a decision. Because the group members feel so tightly connected, so cohesive, they prefer to only see one side of an issue. They are easily led by a forceful leader and busy themselves by falling in line behind the boss & kissing up to stay in good favor. DISSONANCE: Leon Festinger is the psychologist closely associated with cognitive dissonance. Beliefs held by the potential helper freeze the group members as individuals. Helen was new in the dept. Chris & Sally befriended her. All were psychotherapists. Both told Helen about the boss, Zoe, and how very difficult she had been. Helen was later driven from the dept by Zoe. Despite the similar experiences with Zoe by Chris & Sallu, both refused to meet to comfort Helen after she left. Both left unanswered Helen’s telephone messages. Later, when Helen sued the corporation, Helen’s attorneys interviewed Chris & Sally & concluded that their testimony would damage Helen’s case, as they both chose to support Zoe’s position. Once people rationalize away internal conflicts to make themselves feel good, the likelihood of them taking the humane, but more difficult , action decreases. Co-workers: Most bullies want to torment the Target out of a job. Loyalties typically switch after the Target leaves. Without the painful daily reminders of the bully’s devastating effect on the Target, co-workers are free in the aftermath to act as if the Target was never there. They may buddy up to the bully. Newfound loyalty to the bully may be borne out of fear to protect themselves, but to observers, it looks like a choice made freely. WINNERS: Book by Robert Frank & Philip Cook “The Winner Take All Society” . Also can be called Americans love of competition. We revere winners and have no mental space left for the losers. To win at the expense of other competitors is called zero-sum competition. In a zero-sum world, there are no shared victories, no proportional payouts, There is only one grand prize for the winner, Losers get nothing. FEAR: Bullying leads to a fear-plagued workplace where nearly everyone is paralyzed.

YOU CAN HELP AS A WITNESS
To Thrive, Bullies Require Secrecy Shame Silent Witnesses You Can Stop Them Cut Off Their Life Support

You Can Help If you are aware of bullying in the workplace and do not take action, then you are accepting a share of the responsibility for any future abuses. This means that witnesses of bullying behavior should be encouraged to report any such incidences Individuals are less likely to engage in antisocial behavior when it is understood that the organization does not tolerate such behavior and that the perpetrator is likely to be punished

3 Action Steps to Stop Bullying
Name it! Legitimize Yourself! Seek Respite, Take Time Off put self back together Check physical health Check to see if your rights as an employee were violated Gather data about the economic impact the bully has had on the employer Expose the Bully Choose a name for what is happening to you—bullyingm psychological harassment, psychological violence, emotional abuse. 2003 WBI Study found Targets remain under a bully’s control for an average of 22 mo. Educate yourself on the internet. RIGHTS: either according to an internal company policy or state or federal employment laws. Look for internal policies Clearly filing a complaint creates an adversarial relationship between you, the Target, and the employer, mirroring the sour relationship with your aggressive, destructive bully. The complaint system is not your friend,. Approach it with skepticism & caution. HR is not your friend. HR & the internal anti-discrimination officer (EEO) are not impartial truth seekers. Retaliation for complaining is predictable certain. Drs. Namie & Namie advise to file a complaint immediately after the first deplorable incident, Waiting too long can be used against you, taken as evidence that either the bully’s conduct was not as outrageous as you claim or that the impact on your health could not have been severe. They suggest minimal filing. Give the complaint-taker only dates, times, and a dispassionate account of the bully’s actions. Be brief. Filing takes away the employer’s ability to deny that they were not aware of the bully’s actions. Do not expect positive results. May do an investigation. STATE & FEDERAL VIOLATIONS: If so you will have the leverage to negotiate a more dignified, respectful severance package than if you were Only bullied with no hint of illegal discrimination. Find an attorney. Pay for a 30 min. consultation. Prepare extensively, Tell your story very briefly. May limit attorney’s time to writing a letter to employer threatening a lawsuit & conveying your list of demands. DEMANDS ( several months compensation, a prepaid health insurance, payment into your retirement account, a + letter of recommendation for the next job at the next company. Ask for anything & be willing to negotiate. Be aware that severance agreements usually include a “gag clause”. Employer buys your wilence about the often years-long history of mistreatment & degradation. You or an attorney may be able to alter the clause slightly to enable you to tell your story, Revise the text so that you agree never to disclose the terms of the separation/severence agreement or the dollar amount paid you. GATHER: Build the business case that the bullky is to expensive to keep. Do this to bring a dignified end to bullying. Most impt. Reason is to busy yourself in a + manner. Calculate $ & cents of Absenteeism, lost productivity, litigation & settlements – discover previous lawsuits, estimate legal defense cost, call former employees to discover the size of settlement agreement compensation (if they will tell you). Add it all up.

EXPOSE THE BULLY Finalize the business case that the bully is “too expensive to keep” Rehearse you 15 to 30 min. presentation Deliver your presentation Going to management directly is a high-risk, possibly high-cost move with generally predictable zero results (Mueller) Rule of Two- Find someone at least two levels above the bully’s rank. Select someone with a reputation for fairness . REHEARSE: Prepare a one page leave behind report. Stick to the bottom line,. Act like a dispassionate consultant. Rehearse the transition near the end of your time to discuss solutions, This shows you are a problem solver. The option to mention last is termination of the bully, without calling her or him a bully,. But before that suggest transferring him or her. Suggest stripping the bully of supervisory responsibilities, not only to protect workers hurt by the bully but to free him/her to do the work again for which recognition was once honestly earned. This last strategy is easily done in govt. but nearly unimaginable in other workplaces. Do not have high expectations for this meeting. Consider the job offer taking you down the road in your career, Decide beforehand that no matter what is said to you, you will not be hurt or surprised. Prepare to be fired on the spot, Stay in control. Prior to the presentation, clarify for yourself what demands you will make that will restore your health & safety. Your safety is paramount. Do not agree to return to the same position under the same supervisor no matter what promises about changes are made. As long as the bully has access to you, you will not be safe. DELIVER: Give the executive a chance to adopt one or more of your solutions, If the exec. Sides with the bully , you will have to leave your job for your health’s sake. If so You let the employer know that the wrong-doing was entirely preventable & unjustified, You fixed responsibility at the exec. Or senior management or owner level. Leave with you head held high, Tell everyone about the petty tyrant for your health’s sake. TO MANAGEMENT: You may find a receptive manager, but the odds are strongly against this occurring. But may have to go through HR & in-house EEO (equal employment opportunity office) if case goes to court.

The Target’s Declaration of Needs & Wants signals the end of Target hood to all past & Future Bullies Clarify what you want You will be able to state your claim in a dignified, respectful, and assertive way.

Rules for Requests 1. Try to get the other person to agree on a convenient time & place for discussion 2. Keep your requests small to avoid resistance from the bully 3. Keep request simple, 1-2 items 4. Don’t attack the other person. Use “I messages”. Be objective (factual). Moderate tone. 5. Be Specific 6. Use assertive words & high-esteem body language 7. Practice, practice, practice! Namie “I think the Dept looks unprofessional when customers witness all the screaming & berating you do.“ “I know the company’s Respect Policy is violated when you deny my request for paid time off to which I am entitled according to personnel policy.” 5. Give exact times & figures for what you want. Focus on asking for behaviors, not a change in feelings or attitude. 6. Maintain eye contact, sit or stand straight, uncross your legs & arms. Speak clearly, audibly, and firmly. Remember, the meaning conveyed by your body language is much more powerful than the meaning conveyed by your words. Tone of voice & intonation are extremely powerful. The Definitive Book of Body Language by Barbara Pease 7. Stand in front of a mirror. Practice confident facial expressions. Remember, you are practicing the truth. The poor bully has to rehearse lying. Remember you are asking for no favors; you are simply taking back that which is your right. Recommend Difficult Conversations by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, & Sheila Heen Paradoxically, The very efforts intended to demean you can help you soar to new levels. Winston Churchill’s advice was “Just keep going!”

Clarify What You Want From I Want When Where With

My Boss is a Bully

My Boss is a Bully Recognize the enemy Join Forces Nip it in the bud
No excuses Talk in private/Avoid one-on-one encounters? Avoid psychobabble & focus on specifics Practice being in a Zen-like state Never tolerate a bully boss—even if you have to quit. by Peggy Klaus Did you fall down & smack your little head on the pavement? Snapped Miranda Priestly (Meryl Streep) to her asst. in The Devil Wears Prada. You know the type, they take credit for your ideas, humiliate you, throw temper tantrums that rival a 4 yr. old. In recent yrs. Fewer companies are willing to put up with this behavior, yet they still exist. The narcissistic manager’s high level of expressed self-confidence, magnetic enthusiasm, & unrelenting drive to attain prestige & power enables them to climb the rungs of power & to be effective in some aspects of leadership. The may have “street smarts” that enable them to assess whom they can manipulate and what levers to pull to manipulate them. Peggy Klaus is the author of Brag, The art if Tooting your own horn without blowing it & The Hard Truth about Soft Skills: Workplace Lessons Smart People Wish. Seen on Nightline, the Today Show, 20/20, and read her advise in the Wall Street Journal. Recognize: Don’t confuse a demanding boss with a bully boss. A true bully boss is verbally abusive (screaming or belittling you), doesn’t listen to and respect your ideas, & doesn’t hold the good of the company & it’s employees as the top priority, Rarely apologize for their behavior. Join: Recommends not going to the boss’s boss to report bullying—unless you want to get fired. He is already allowing it, so he/she is often as fault as well. Additionally you never know what the relationship between your boss and you boss’s boss may be. Recruit allies in your efforts. Compare notes with coworkers whom you trust. Seek out the support of an HR person,. NIP: The workplace is like a playground, but with bigger people. Bullies can not bully if you don’t let them. Taking a stand will earn you respect and can break the pattern of abuse, Respond to your boss with simple & FACTUAL STATEMENTS LIKE “In the past two months you have on more than one occasion screamed at me in front of colleagues, saying that I was incompetent & stupid. Not only are these assertions not true, but this is not the way I expect to be treated in a professional workplace environment. In the future if you have a problem with the way I do things please tell me in a normal tone of voice, without assassinating my character in the process. EXCUSES: Never make excuses for atrocious behavior, Never befriend the bully,. This will only encourage the behavior to continue or even escalate. TALK: Bullies love an audience & tend to humiliate others in public. It’s best to confront bullying behavior behind closed doors &/or put your grievance in writing. AVOID: You may have many theories regarding why your boss acts the way he does, an inferiority complex, he wasn’t loved enough as a child, etc. Instead stick to specific behaviors you want changed. Say, “In yesterday’s meeting, you belittled by character & acted in a very unprofessional manner, In the future, I won't put up with this kind of humiliation. If you act this way again, I will simply walk out of the meeting & wait for you to calm down,.” ZEN: “Being Buddha” Start by breathing & slowly counting to 10, if you are still agitated, count again. Then use a soothing mantra i.e. “This too shall pass” or “Don’t take it personally”. NEVER: If nothing of the above have worked it may be time to move on.

My Boss is a Bully Let him/her know in writing that you cannot give proper attention to all of the assignments Leave on time Get it in Writing Send he/she memo’s & keep a copy Put everything in the memo Be Polite, but persistent Do your job, & do it well, but live your life Suggest a meeting to discuss setting priorities & re-delegating. If he refuses, say you are writing to acknowledge his response, Say you will complete the project in an appropriate time frame, but you would still like a meeting to discuss priorities & workload. If your boss complains that you’re leaving on time & not getting your work done, acknowledge what he’s saying, repeat your earlier request that the two of you sit down & discuss how to better set priorities and, if necessary, re-delegate responsibilities. Make sure he, you and HR all have a written memo to this effect. Get it in Writing: IF your boss provides incomplete, unclear, or sarcastic instructions, or tends to change his mind without bothering to tell you until the last moment. Pin him down with a written memo of your own, In a meeting you might say “I just want to make sure I understand completely and paraphrase what he has said. Send him a memo recapping the exchange & keep a copy. Stay calm. Stay professional, Put everything: even if he tells you to figure out some specific on your own, put that in a memo. All of this sounds silly & it is and is not necessary with responsible , reasonable adults. DO YOUR: Don’t get coerced into working late or taking on extra responsibilities.

My Boss is a Bully -Valerie Cade
Absorb her attack. Calm her by speaking in a low but self-confident tone Physically stand your ground. Do not back away. “Own” your space Show her that you understand her immediate problem and what she wants With your voice, tone and body language, show her that you don’t take her attack personally Your primary objective is to show the bully you are in control of yourself. You’re not going to bend to her demands. You need to gain control of the situation and redirect her energy toward an outcome that is positive for you.

My Boss is a Bully Use the force of the bully’s attack to subdue her
Ask her to restate her main point Ask for her relevant opinions and suggested solutions Listen actively. Paraphrase her ideas and ask follow-up questions Stand up to the bully; offer her choices that you can live with

My Boss is a Bully Give a meaningful response
Let her know you want to help her, if possible Stand your ground. Control your voice and tone • Summarize the situation and options Use the same terminology and phrases as the bully

My Boss is a Bully Finally, respond effectively to the bully’s objections Give your conclusions. Tell the bully what you’re going to do Restate your own intentions Describe the bully’s options again Explain the benefits and problems of each option Ask the bully to make a simple choice

Help is found??? The emotional Stages of Being Bullying 1. Victimhood
2. Power surge-The Workmen’s comp/disability/EEO Complaint system is discovered. You are favorable jury awards & large settlements 3. Vulnerability 4. Isolation & Abandonment 5. Anger 6. Resolution People without the bullying experience are incredibly naïve about rights and procedures. The adversarial employer offers no information that gives you an advantage. Those who have gone through the experience rarely offer advice. Know it is the system that creates or sustains a creepy malicious person like the abusive bully. You were not singled out based on any real flaw or weakness. 2. You hear warnings about how long justice takes, but at this early stage the future looks rosy. Hold on to these feeling, because the process is exhausting. 3. The counterattack begins by the employer. Their deep pockets become apparent as their legal spinmeisters paint you as a fraudulent, greedy, professional lout. Their resources are limitless compared to your puny-contingency based lawyer’s office. Your lawyer stops returning your calls. There is a steady stream of interrogatories (questions from the companies’ counsel) leading up to the dreaded deposition. If your case goes that far, your lawyer’s % also rises. Depositions are institutionalized assassinations, You are never quite ready for the experience. Just remember that corporate lawyers believe in a “scorched earth, no survivors” strategy. Your lawyer probably did not have time to rehearse you for the inquisition. If you are not suing in a court of law, the beauracrat in charge of minimizing workers’ compensation claims for the employer becomes the enemy. Your needs directly conflict with that person’s job security. It finally dawns on you that HR works for management. Cure: keep telling yourself it is the other side’s job to fight back. Keep your mind on the justice you seek. Watch legal shows on TV to see how adept defense lawyers are at rationalizing what they do on behalf of corporations, Read Ralph Nader’s No Contest to validate your fight . 4. Now you feel alone. The other side has shown its muscle; it is scary. Your white knight attorney now seems weak & fades into the background. Colleagues from work, former friends, find it hard to keep in touch. They fear being in your place someday. Cure: Refuse to be alone. Force friends to be in contact. Stay involved in with life outside your case. Volunteer. Don’t let the dispute become your life’s defining moment—shove it into the background,. Don’t loose the passion for your case; but do throw your day-to-day energy into constructive activity. Don’t let family discussions drift toward progress, or lack of, in your case. The current dispute does not define who you are as a person. 5. Usually aimed at everyone. Cure: read books on anger management. Diffuse your anger not turn it inward. 6. You find a way to move on. In victory you can become a forgiver of enemies more quickly than in defeat. You forget you every worked for that crummy employer. Cure: Moving on while letting resentment to fade is most impt.

Your Readiness to Confront
Should you fight back? 1) There can be a cost to your health 2) the toll vicious defensive employers can impose 3) economic losses Fighting back through internal complaint channels & through informal system without reliance on lawyers both carry a low chance of success. Also,. Work-induced PTSD is common. If you are to actually file a lawsuit, the employer goes berserk. They look for personality flaws . The deposition stage can feel like “intellectual rape”. Target lawsuits should only be undertaken by the emotionally strong. The risks of prolonged traumatization and postponed healing are great. Economic losses: After sick leave, vacation pay & other paid time off days are exhausted, targets are pressured by employers to take unpaid time off under FMLA ( Family Medical Leave Act). If one’s fight is not resolved quickly (which it never is, long-term disability pays only a portion of your full pay. Employers have their physicians ready to deny your claim of suffering psychological injury at the hands of a harassing bully. You will have to fight long & hard to win an award. You suffer financially while the fight drags on. The ultimate deathblow is termination. Staying under the bully's thumb only increases risks. Risk of declining health, self-defeat, & abandonment. Appeasement backfires. Getting on one’s own terms should be a goal of every Target. The sad consequence of bullying is that the great paying, challenging work that you once enjoyed can be stolen from you. Sometimes the bully even gives a defamatory job reference or actually contacts management at the new employment to poison the impression they have of the newly hired Target. Both of these practices are illegal. A reference checking firm can help stop the first type of attack & a lawyer familiar with defamation cases can address the latter. The alternative to an internal complaint mechanism is the legal system and they rarely do the right thing. Law professor David Yamada reviewed three yrs. Of Federal Court rulings in Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress cases. IIED most closely parallels bullying. The courts sided with Distressed Targets in only about 10% of the cases. Sounds like justice for the injured rarely makes an appearance in the federal courthouse. To summarize the case against Bully Busting, it can prolong health problems, cost friends, and is expensive.

Why You Should Fight Back
Be Bully proof first To Satisfy your need for fairness and doing the right thing (Equity & Justice for All) Being able to move on with your personal dignity intact (Moving On With Dignity) Targets believe the world should be fair. Payoffs & outcomes should be proportional to effort & skill invested in work. Feelings of inequity &NINJUSTICE SEEM TO DRIVE MOST bully busting, EVEN THOUGH THE ODDS ARE STACKED AGAINST THE BULLIED Targets. Whistleblowers are extreme examples of bullied Targets who risk everything to fight back. They do so because they can not imagine accepting what has been done to them. They live according to a higher level of moral decision making than most of us who play the political game, deluding ourselves that we have to “pick the right fight worth fighting for.” The danger is that we can let others chip away at our integrity in small doses over long periods of time. The danger is that one can loose a sense of what one stands for. Whistle blowers claim the moral high ground early & often, shaming the rest of us who are too cowardly to demand equity & justice. It is sad when bold American principles are dismissed as “idealistic” or “radical” when discussion turns to the workplace. We salute whistleblowers & other principled Targets for demonstrating the courage the rest of us should admire & emulate. Some Targets fight back because they know no other way. Moving on with Dignity: Targets repeatedly say that their greatest regret was to leave without confronting the bully, without telling the employer what was done behind closed doors, or without letting everyone know how they were driven out. Staff are frequently told the departed Target left for “personal reasons”. By fighting back, it is restorative for the Target. It restores self respect and lost dignity.

Tools for fighting Uncover true meaning and intentions
Don’t let him steamroll you Handle him in meetings Have fun at his expense Adopt a strong posture Less is more “Interesting” Silence is okay Saying less than necessary is not only for kings and statesmen. In most areas of life, the less you say, the more profound and mysterious you appear. As a young man, the artist Andy Warhol had the revelation that it was generally impossible to get people to do what you wanted them to do by talking to them. They would turn against you, subvert your wishes, disobey you out of sheer perversity. He once told a friend, “I learned that you actually have more power when you shut up.” Interesting. Later in life, when Warhol employed this strategy with great success, even his art reflected it. Simple pieces of art that were saying one message only. It’s very clear. His interviews were exercises in oracular speech, very simple and to the point.

Uncover True Intention
Force clarification Reveal subtle attacks Clarify the issue Diffuse the monologues Effective communication is at the heart of handling a bully. You must cut through his deceptions, innuendo, obfuscations, generalizations and over-complications in order to reveal his true meaning and intentions. This is done primarily through the technique of questioning and paraphrasing, previously addressed on this website, but provided now in more detail. 1. How to force clarification At the simplest level, you can force clarification by using simple, brief, direct statements. Just repeat his bullying comments back to him in combination with the innocent-sounding query of “Why?” “Why do you feel that ___?” “Why do you believe that ___?” Or declare your confusion, which should encourage him to speak more clearly. “I don’t understand what you’re trying to say.” “I’m confused by what you’re saying.” 2. How to reveal his subtle attacks When a simple approach isn’t enough to reveal his subtle attacks, more sophisticated techniques are needed. An aggressive posture may be the only way get to the truth. If this occurs in front of others, you risk embarrassing the bully. You should first decide whether that particular battle is worth fighting, or if you should instead wait for a private confrontation.) To start, it may be necessary to interrupt him. At a meeting, wait until everyone, especially the bully, is paying attention. You could say: “Excuse me, but there’s something I want to clear up.” Then try to get to his meaning. Make him acknowledge the specific attack. Your goal is to bring his criticism or demeaning implication into plain view. The power of paraphrasing Paraphrasing is a powerful tool to convert his subtle criticism into an obvious one. Just say clearly what you believe he is implying. Then ask him to confirm his meaning. For example, you say: “A minute ago, you mentioned I left early last Tuesday. Are you saying that my leaving early caused us to miss yesterday’s deadline?” If he says yes, then you ask questions to reveal the absurdity of his criticism (or simply acknowledge you made a mistake and assure him you will be more careful in the future). If he responds by evasive maneuvers, continue to question him until he confirms his criticism, or the conversation hits an impasse

CLARIFY Clarify by paraphrasing her statement. To paraphrase, you re-state what she said in your own words “Is this what you’re saying?” (Paraphrase) “Did I hear you correctly?” (Paraphrase) “Let me be sure I heard you correctly. Is this what you mean?” (Paraphrase) If the bully says, “That’s not what I said,” respond with another paraphrase. If the bully says, “That’s not what I meant,” ask her what she did mean and paraphrase that

Clarifying the Issue Aggressively question the bully. Bullies don’t cut their targets any slack. Targets shouldn’t go easy on bullies either Keep the bully off guard Ask questions rapidly. You don’t have to be “fair” to the bully and give her time to answer Cut the bully off and ask another question to further keep her off balance Did you ever watch “I Love Lucy?” In that famous situation comedy from the 1950s, Lucille Ball plays a character that is often getting into trouble. When she tells Ricky, her husband, about what she has done, she tries to cover her mistakes by endlessly explaining. Finally, when he can’t take it anymore, he begins asking her questions. Little by little, he gets the facts from her and pins her down. The audience laughs. Lucy apologizes. Ricky forgives Lucy, and the episode ends. Naturally, all this is done in good humor and affection. However, would it surprise you to know that adult bullies use Lucy’s tactics when they cover the truth and their true intentions with words? Of course, adult bullies go much farther: they make vague accusations and veiled threats that insinuate the target has done something incorrectly. Like Lucy, though, if bullies are specific, they risk being wrong; if they create a “fog of words,” they create confusion, which is safer Aggressively question the bully. Bullies don’t cut their targets any slack. Targets shouldn’t go easy on bullies either. Life isn’t a situation comedy, and being the target of adult bullies is certainly no laughing matter. You can learn some tactics that work when you want to reveal a bully’s true intentions. It’s important to remember, however, that you are simply serving the “Bully Ball” back into her court where it belongs and demonstrating that her tactics do not have a hold on you. Don’t expect to “win” or engage in open communication with a bully. Those are simply not part of a bully’s script.

Clarifying the Issue Bullies love presuppositions
“If you really cared about the company, you would ___.” You can respond forcefully by saying: “When did you start thinking that I didn’t care about the company?” Keep a workplace bully from clouding the issue CLOUDING:A workplace bully thrives on confusion. He doesn’t want anyone to understand his true intentions, so he misdirects conversations and sidetracks meetings. You can reduce a bully’s power by neutralizing his domination of meetings. Your goal should be to keep everyone focused on relevant issues, and to bring clarity when the bully is clouding the issue.

Clarifying Ignoring distractions
“That’s an interesting topic, but can we deal with it another day?” “I’m not sure we should pursue that right now. Can we get back to ____?” “We were talking about ___. Were we done?” IGNORE: Bully likes to put red herrings to lead others down a dead-end trail, away from important issues. You should ignore the diversion and bring the focus back to the meeting agenda

Clarifying the issue Issue at hand
“That’s not how I remember it; but even so, don’t we need to look at ___?” “I’m not sure I understand your vision of the future, but shouldn’t we focus on the current situation instead?” “All I know is that the situation today is ____.” (Then ask a question.)

Clarifying Move the meeting forward
“Let’s not get caught up in that issue right now. How should we solve the problem of ___?” “Let’s not keep rehashing the past and guessing about the future. What should we do now?”

Clarifying “I know we all want to move on to the next topic, but we haven’t come up with any solutions for ___. What do you think we should do?” Or if the bully is the only one who has offered a solution: “I’ve heard ___’s solution, but what about everyone else? Are there any other suggestions? “___’s solution may be the way to go on this, but shouldn’t we consider some other options before making a decision?”

How to diffuse a workplace bully’s monologues
Interruptions aren’t allowed! Using his monologue to expose him Aggressively interrupt him Ask a very pointed question about his unfair criticism, presupposition, misrepresentation or deception One of a workplace bully’s most powerful weapons is a monologue or tirade. Within his lengthy speech, he can include enough innuendo, hearsay, presuppositions and distortions to confuse people for months (or, in several cases I’ve seen, years). Because monologues are such a powerful weapon, a bully will do almost anything to prevent you from stopping him. He’ll criticize and demean, stomp and glare, even yell. He is intent on intimidating you into silence. Or he may calmly claim it is his turn to speak, conveniently ignoring the fact that no one else speaks in monologues. If his monologue is repeatedly interrupted, he might lose his temper and leave the room, disgusted with the fact that others are talking when he wants them to listen. AGGRESSIVELY: It’s often more practical to sit through a bully’s monologues, rather than interrupt. Stay alert for hidden attacks and make notes about his misstatements. When he is finished speaking, ask if you can get clarifation on some of his points. He may expect you to request further nuggets of wisdom, but you can instead go directly into exposing his deceptions. Use your notes to ask about things you "don’t understand" i.e. a full list of his misstatements. For greatest impact, go through the entire list at once (the bully will interrupt you if he recognizes your strategy). After you finish, it should be obvious to everyone that the bully was using his monologue to manipulate their thinking. you interrupt his monologue whenever he says something that belittles or misleads. Don’t let him come to a natural stopping point, since a monologue tends to move steadily forward. ASK:Your goal is to get him to explain himself (but avoid contradicting him and getting sucked into a useless debate). STOP: If he is merely wandering in his monologue without a specific attack, his only intention may be to dominate the group. In this situation, you can force him back to the purpose of the meeting. Do this by interrupting him and asking a specific question.

How to Diffuse a bully’s monologues
Stop his wandering “That’s interesting and we can talk about that later, but what do you think about ___?” “I’m sorry to cut you off, but we’re almost out of time here. Can we finish talking about ___?” “You’ve added several things I don’t understand, but can we finish talking about ___?”

Act Confused “I’ve very confused by what you’re saying. What’s your main point?” “You’ve totally confused me. What point are you trying to make?” “You’ve lost me. What are you trying to say?” “You’ve lost me again. What’s your main point?” Another technique is to act confused (saying “I’m on to you!” is counterproductive). You might say: “I feel like we’re going around in circles. What are we trying to accomplish?” Incidentally, that last phrase convinced one of my former co-workers that I recognized his bullying, manipulating, backstabbing nature (it had been a particularly meaningless monologue).

Act Confused You can also take a more aggressive approach, with the intention of changing the rhythm of the entire meeting. However, these phrases may embarrass the bully, so use them with caution. For example: “I’m confused. What are we trying to accomplish here?” “I’m having trouble following this conversation. What are you talking about?” “Is there anyone here who understands what he is saying?” “I don’t have time for this. What’s your point?”

Don’t Be Steamrolled Don’t allow yourself to be interrupted
Repeat yourself until he responds Don’t let him change the subject Ask Questions to keep control When you start exercising control over a conversation or meeting, a workplace bully will try to verbally squash you. He may repeatedly change the subject, yell at you, talk over you, talk under you, launch a monologue, ridicule you, misinterpret your meaning or lie about your intentions. He’ll do almost anything to distract from your single-minded focus on moving the discussion forward. Don’t take his bait! If you respond directly to his comments, you give him control. Even trying to explain why his points are irrelevant plays into his hands. Instead, use short, simple phrasing to keep the discussion on topic. When you ignore his bad behavior, you diminish his relevance. 1. Don’t allow yourself to be interrupted “You may be right; maybe I am self-serving. but I still think we should get back to the main point.” Or you can demonstrate you are above his petty attacks by casually pretending to agree, then turning the discussion back to the topic: When a workplace bully interrupts you, interrupt him back. Then assertively show your intention to finish your question or comments. For example, you can politely request that he let you complete your thought: You can also appeal to his sense of fair play. This is particularly effective when he wants to appear reasonable to onlookers. You can say: “Sorry, but can I finish?” “Excuse me, but I’m not finished.” “I listened to you, now will you listen to me?” 2. Repeat yourself until he responds “Will you do me a favor? Will you hear me out?” “I would like to hear your viewpoint, but can I finish first?” After each of his unresponsive statements, you can say: A workplace bully may consistently avoid answering questions, either to keep others from discovering his deceptions or to regain control of the conversation. In some circumstances, you can force him to respond by repeating yourself over and over. “Yes, but what should we do about ___?” “Yes, but can you answer my question?” “Yes, but ___” and repeat your prior question. “Yes, but what are you planning to do about ___?” 3. Don’t let him change the subject “Yes, I see your point. Now, what are you planning to do about ___?” This approach may be more effective without the word “but,” which tends to come across as argumentative. For example, you could instead say: Changing the subject is a favorite evasive maneuver of a workplace bully. You will make little progress if you can’t keep him on the topic. Try making a logical suggestion to finish the discussion: “I know we are running out of time, but let’s finish this up first.” (Then ask a question.) “I understand you want to move on, but this is too important to skip over.” (Then ask a question.) “Before we move on to that, let’s finish our conversation on ___.” “That’s very interesting. But let’s get back to the current issue.” With this technique, you are respectfully seeking his perspective. But it is on the main topic, not his diversion, giving you control of the conversation. You can say: Alternatively, when he starts a new subject, interrupt him and ask him a question related to the main topic. Or if he doesn’t speak for too long, let him finish, but ignore what he said and ask your question. Ask questions to keep control “We can pursue that later, but first I want to hear more of your thoughts on ___.” “Hold on a minute. I want to hear your opinion on ___.” Since the bully is doing most of the talking anyway, why not control what he talks about? He might even admire your intelligence. You are obviously smart enough, in his eyes, to drink from the fount of his superior knowledge and wisdom.

Handle the Bully in Meetings
Don’t allow yourself to be interrupted Repeat yourself until he responds Don’t let him change the subject Ask questions to keep control “Hold on a minute. I want to hear your opinion on ___.” “We can pursue that later, but first I want to hear more of your thoughts on ___.” INterupUPTED: When a workplace bully interrupts you, interrupt him back. Then assertively show your intention to finish your question or comments. For example, you can politely request that he let you complete your thought: “Excuse me, but I’m not finished.” “Sorry, but can I finish?” You can also appeal to his sense of fair play. This is particularly effective when he wants to appear reasonable to onlookers. You can say: “I listened to you, now will you listen to me?” “I would like to hear your viewpoint, but can I finish first?” “Will you do me a favor? Will you hear me out?” REPEAT: A workplace bully may consistently avoid answering questions, either to keep others from discovering his deceptions or to regain control of the conversation. In some circumstances, you can force him to respond by repeating yourself over and over. After each of his unresponsive statements, you can say: “Yes, but ___” and repeat your prior question. “Yes, but can you answer my question?” “Yes, but what should we do about ___?” “Yes, but what are you planning to do about ___?” This approach may be more effective without the word “but,” which tends to come across as argumentative. For example, you could instead say: “Yes, I see your point. Now, what are you planning to do about ___?” CHANGE: Changing the subject is a favorite evasive maneuver of a workplace bully. You will make little progress if you can’t keep him on the topic. Try making a logical suggestion to finish the discussion: “Before we move on to that, let’s finish our conversation on ___.” “I understand you want to move on, but this is too important to skip over.” (Then ask a question.) “I know we are running out of time, but let’s finish this up first.” (Then ask a question.) “That’s very interesting. But let’s get back to the current issue.” CONTROL: Alternatively, when he starts a new subject, interrupt him and ask him a question related to the main topic. Or if he doesn’t speak for too long, let him finish, but ignore what he said and ask your question. With this technique, you are respectfully seeking his perspective. But it is on the main topic, not his diversion, giving you control of the conversation. You can say: END: Since the bully is doing most of the talking anyway, why not control what he talks about? He might even admire your intelligence. You are obviously smart enough, in his eyes, to drink from the fount of his superior knowledge and wisdom.

Handle the Bully at Meetings
Instead of speaking first, try speaking late in the meeting. Talk after the bully has spoken at length. Once you have the floor, say, “I have some opinions on the subject, but first I want to correct (the bully’s name) incorrect statements.” Don’t let a bully interrupt you. You’ve been a good listener to others—that puts you in a good position to expect others to listen, including the bully. This strategy has two advantages. First, if you speak after the bully and others have spoken, you’ll know what the bully is thinking. This puts you on the offensive. Second, people are more likely to be attentive, because you’ve been silent (or asked only some brief questions) so far.

If the bully interrupts you, interrupt him and say authoritatively: “I’d like to finish, please.”
“I listened to you. Please give me the common courtesy to hear what I have to say.” (Then wait in silence for a moment before proceeding.) “I have a few points to cover. Then you can speak again—if you’d like.”

Handling the Bully at Meetings
If the bully tries to leave the meeting, use the same comments as if he interrupted you. If he leaves anyway, comment on his inappropriate behavior: “Too bad he left. He didn’t hear about the incorrect data he used.” Say, curiously, “I wonder why he left?” Stand your ground. Stand up STAND : You don’t have to accept a bully’s behavior in meetings any more than you accept it when it’s delivered one-on-one

Have Fun At the Expense of the Bully Use with Caution!
Act mildly amused by his antics Mock his angry outbursts Compliment his bullying behavior Put words in his mouth Mimic or mock his negativity Mock his criticism of you Use sarcasm (Not recommended!) Say something abrupt or outrageous Tell him you love your job Humor can help you maintain a good attitude when dealing with a bully. It is worth exploring in more detail. To be effective with this method, you need a well-developed sense of humor and good comedic timing. You must also feel relaxed and confident. Humor rarely works when you are emotionally overwhelmed by bullying. However, humor can transform a difficult situation into a source of amusement (at least for you). Be wary of how you use humor. It has the potential of embarrassing or even humiliating the bully. Always consider the consequences. If you want to play it safe, wait until you get home, or are with close friends, to ridicule the bully and have a good laugh. 1. Act mildly amused by a bully’s antics One way to demonstrate your poise under fire is to instantly convey that a bully isn’t bothering you. When he pushes your hot buttons and you want to flee or scream, instead try acting entertained, as if he is intentionally displaying his antics for your amusement. For example, after a particularly harsh criticism, don’t defend yourself. Instead, smile and say with mild enthusiasm: “I just don’t know how I’d survive without your input.” “No sugarcoating there. Thanks for being so blunt!” “Wow! That’s great. Thanks for keeping me humble.” 2. Mock his angry outbursts A workplace bully uses anger to intimidate and control you. When you mock his outbursts with light-hearted humor, you defeat his purpose. If a bully displays anger at a meeting, you could say: “Don’t hold back! Tell us how you really feel.” “I’m sensing that something may be bothering you.” Or you could take a more aggressive approach: “What’s your secret to staying so calm?” “That was great. You really had me going there. I actually believed you were angry.” This approach can also be effective when a well-meaning person loses his temper, especially if he knows how to laugh at himself. But don’t expect a pompous, controlling manipulator to reply calmly: “Sorry; I don’t know what got into me.” 3. Compliment his bullying behavior You can also show his bullying doesn’t bother you by offering superficial praise, again with a light-hearted comic tone (avoid any sarcasm in your voice, which tends to diminish the humor and cast you in a negative light). “You’re great at changing the subject!” “Your monologues are awesome! Now I think you’ve confused everyone.” “Nice outburst! Very effective. Do you practice in front of the mirror?” A well-adjusted leader with a sense of humor might answer: “Thanks. I’ve been practicing just for this occasion.” But with a bully, you are more likely to hear a response that begins with the phrase “How dare you.” 4. Put words in his mouth You can show you are amused by his arrogance and innuendoes by putting words in his mouth that reflect his underlying feelings, which are intrinsically absurd: “So you’re saying the ends always justify the means?” “So you believe that we’re all incapable of understanding you?” “Do you believe you’re superior to everyone, or just us?” These may not seem funny to the bully, however, since he truly believes them. And he probably won’t appreciate that you’ve exposed his Machiavellian or pompous nature to others. 5. Mimic or mock his extreme negativity Want a quick, easy method to expose bullying? Try repeating a bully’s most absurd statement. Do it in a manner that shows you find humor in his behavior. For greater impact, mimic his tone of voice or mannerisms. You can mock his negativity by taking his criticism to the extreme: “So you believe it’s all my fault?” “So you’re saying I’ve ruined it for everyone?” “Let me get this straight: Since I won’t work this weekend, I must be a lazy, disloyal employee. Now I understand.” “If I’m completely useless, why are you keeping me around?” On second thought, that last phrase could be dangerous, particularly if everyone is laughing at your clever imitations of the bully’s self-inflating mannerisms. Maybe you could imitate the bully answering your question: “Hey, I don’t know. You’re fired!” 6. Mock a bully’s criticism of you You can also use a casual, offhand manner to show you are amused by his attacks. Then it will be clear to him that you don’t respond to bullying. To accomplish this, agree with him in a humorous manner, without any effort at denial or defense. Just make your mocking statement in a very concise and confident manner, and go on to something else. For example: “Yeah, that’s right, I only care about myself. It’s always me, me, 7. Use sarcasm (Not recommended!) Though the prior techniques often approach sarcasm, when used correctly they fall within the category of mild satire and light-hearted humor. Pure sarcasm is more edgy, which is usually not a good idea. It tends to make you look spiteful or even bullying. Nevertheless, it is useful to know sarcastic techniques so you can steer clear of them. On the other hand, if a bully is about to get fired, you may be able to get away with mocking him to his face, in front of others. That way you can provide some entertainment at the expense of the bully. Once again, this is not recommended; after all, it’s probably not a good idea to make a life-long enemy of any highly aggressive person. A simple technique is to respond with a sarcastic comment, then abruptly end the conversation. For example, after he criticizes you, say: “Thanks for that incredibly valuable input. I’m going back to work now.” Another is to mock him with a sarcastic edge. You accomplish this by agreeing with him to the extreme, taking what he said to its logical conclusion. You could give a short monologue (don’t let the bully interrupt you) in which you agree with the bully and suggest actions that are increasingly absurd. Let’s say the bully claims that something was “all your fault.” Your response: “You’re right, it was all my fault. In fact, you’ve shown me the light. I can see now that I’m responsible for every mistake made in this department. So from now on, I will accept full responsibility. Can you send out an letting everyone know that from this point forward, everything is my fault?” Mocking a bully is far more useful for laughing off your troubles when you are with friends or family. 8. Say something abrupt or outrageous An abrupt response can change the entire rhythm of the conversation or meeting. Your purpose is to diffuse a workplace bully’s attack. With this approach, you ignore his bullying statement or question. If he is still talking, interrupt him forcefully. Then say something completely off the subject. Even if he just attacked you with an unusually harsh or demeaning comment, pretend you didn’t hear it. Here are a few things you can say: “Are you feeling okay today?” “What’s really bothering you? You can tell me.” “All I can say is that I really love this company.” “I have an announcement to make: I want you all to know that I really love working here.” You can try an even more off-the-wall approach, such as: “I love you. I really do. You’re such a challenge for me.” “I like your shirt. Where did you buy it?” “Did you just get a haircut?” (If he asks why you’re asking:) “Oh, no reason. It looks good.” If he attacks you one-on-one, but others can overhear, you can use a similar distraction. Tell the bully to hold on, then call someone over: “Hey, come here. I want you to hear this.” Then turn to the bully: “Okay, go ahead. Say that again.” Another unusual defense is to treat a workplace bully’s attack as a practical joke. Smile and act amused: “Did _______ (someone else’s name) put you up to this?” None of these tactics are likely to impress the bully, except with the fact that you’re getting to be a royal pain in the ass. 9. Tell him you love your job When faced with vicious bullying, try acting amused and say “I love my job.” This is very useful in front of others who will appreciate your good-natured response to his over-the-top attacks. The “I love my job” method is consistent with a positive attitude and a cool, calm, confident style, which makes it one of the most powerful weapons available to deal with nasty bullying in a toxic workplace. Or you can use it as an easy way to avoid bullying in less difficult situations. There are several variations on this approach, all of which can be used in response to a bully’s attack. You can acknowledge and even agree with the attack, or ignore the attack. But your final, conclusive statement should be a mildly enthusiastic version of “I love my job.” Here are a few examples: “I really love my job.” “I sure do love working here.” “Working with you is a great challenge. Thank you.” “Working here provides me with wonderful opportunities for personal growth.” It is difficult to imagine the power of this approach until you’ve seen it in action. I have a friend in a long-term stressful job, perpetually surrounded by bullies, who repeated the mantra “I love my job” many times each day. He survived and succeeded with no apparent emotional damage (which is more than I can say for the people who bullied him).

Using Humor with Bullies
Smile as you repeat the office bully’s words. Show you are in control by acting amused. Have a confident stance Identify the fallacy in a bully’s criticism, and point it out, using a light-hearted tone If you’re sure of your facts and behavior, mock your own shortcomings. Make them larger than they are, in contrast to the bully’s arrogance Consider this one: Al Gore and Ross Perot were on Larry King live; during King’s famed NAFTA debate between Vice President Al Gore and Ross Perot in 1993, Ross Perot made a strong point and got somewhat defensive. Al Gore paused, chuckled with confidence, answered briefly and moved on. Al Gore won the debate—clearly. The show to this day, garnered the highest cable rating in CNN history. Those that can make fun of themselves show confidence—a great weapon to protect you from the bully. The point to remember is: You are not powerless. You have many strategies—trying them can help.

Adopt a strong posture Just say no Give a strong speech
Suggest ending the relationship 1. Just say no Learning to say no is invaluable in your battle against workplace bullying. It is possible to resist the demands of even the most persistent bully. To stand firm in your resistance to an unreasonable demand, keep repeating your rejection without any variation. You can say: “I’m sorry, but I can’t go along with that.” “I’m sorry, but I just don’t have the time.” “I’m sorry; I can’t help you with that.” “Sorry, I can’t.” “Sorry, no.” If he keeps insisting, use a little more emphasis in your phrasing: “I know you aren’t happy about this, but that’s the way it has to be.” “It’s not negotiable.” “We obviously see things differently.” “Why don’t we just agree to disagree?” Or you could say: “I’m sorry you feel that way, but I’ve made my decision.” Then there’s the old standby: “Which part of ‘no’ don’t you understand?” If a bully asks questions to lure you into an argument, sidestep him. Let’s say he asks: “Why won’t you do that?” You can respond with: “Because...” and then repeat your rejection or make a decisive statement, such as: “Because I’ve made my final decision.” For practice, try these techniques on telephone solicitors or pushy salespeople. It will show you that even the most aggressive person will give up trying to influence someone who stubbornly repeats the same rejection over and over again. 2. Give a strong speech By making a short speech to a workplace bully, either alone or in a meeting, you can articulate a strong, coherent point of view. This will let him know that you are steadfast in your resolve. Your speech should be forthright and soft-spoken. As always, you must display an effective style, such as nonchalance with a slight tone of amusement. Convey confidence in what you are saying. Sincerity and a sense of purpose will help (as in you sincerely want him to stop bullying you). Acknowledge your mistakes Start by acknowledging your past mistakes. If others are listening, this will provide them with a clear contrast between your modesty and his arrogance. You can say: “I know I haven’t done a good job of letting you know when I had to pick up my son from school.” Explain your intentions Next, describe your good intentions, such as a desire to better serve the company and its clients. Then state your position on the issue at hand (such as the specific nature of the bullying). Speak plainly, using simple terms. Don’t worry about persuading; just make your point in a concise manner. “I want to be a good team player, but I don’t want to get blamed every time we miss a deadline.” Describe your plans Finally, describe your plans on the matter, and possibly make a specific request of the bully. “I will start using the department calendar to show you when I have to leave early. After a few weeks, will you let me know if this is working? Otherwise, we can look for some other solution.” Ask him to take some time to consider your proposal, then end the conversation. Once you’ve had your say, don’t let him drag you back into a discussion. 3. Suggest ending the relationship (Use with caution!) Some bullies only respond to the ultimate threat: ending your relationship. If he values your relationship, this should get him to make some changes, at least temporarily. But if he sees you as expendable, it is over. In many cases, that means you will be immediately terminated. You can either hint at ending the relationship or threaten more explicitly. For example: “I’m tired of being attacked by you. Do you have any suggestions?” “My only answer is to stop working together. I don’t know what else to do.” If this fails to permanently change his behavior, it may be a lost cause. Let’s say he improves his behavior for a few weeks, then slowly reverts to his old tricks. At this point, you should reconsider your entire strategy. In some cases, it’s worth another try. More often, however, rather than waste more time and energy dealing with a hopeless situation, it’s best to find a new job. Other drastic methods But first, before turning in that resignation letter, you may want to consider other drastic measures. After all, if you’re at the point of no return, what have you got to lose? One effective technique is to sit down with a decision-maker in your company, such as a top executive who has the ability to fire the bully. Perhaps you’re not the only one who’s been bullied. If the executive is aware of the bully’s nature, there’s hope. It’s not uncommon for a bully to cause multiple serious problems that come to management’s attention, such as excessive turnover, angry clients or other executives upset with his power plays. Once you’ve told your story, it’s out of your hands. You can relax, since by this time you’ve already decided that anything would be better than continuing in your current miserable situation. And if you’re fired the next day, that should bring a sense of relief. After all, do you really want to work at a place where upper management doesn’t care if the employees are regularly mistreated by an arrogant, self-serving manipulator?

Weapons Against… Threats Harassment Ridicule Aggressive body language
Rumor-mongering Threats When you don't cooperate with a bully, his most primitive weapon is to threaten you. To combat threats, you must demonstrate that you don’t yield to verbal aggression. If the bully’s threat is subtle, bring it into the open (using techniques covered in prior sections). You can then neutralize the threat by either acting amused or nonchalant. Both techniques carry a strong message: you will never submit to that type of bullying. The easiest response to a threat is to act as if the bully is kidding. A more serious response is to make a firm statement spoken in a nonchalant manner, such as: “Why don’t you think it over? Maybe you’ll change your mind.” “I hope you don’t do that, but I’ve made my decision.” “Sorry, but I make it a point never to respond to threats.” “You do what you have to do, and I’ll do what I have to do.” Or just casually ignore the threat and offer the bully a gracious compliment to diffuse the situation. Your calm manner is the greatest weapon you have against his threats. Harassment This website does not address situations where someone crosses the line into sexual harassment, or potential or actual physical aggression. If you suspect you will be a target of these behaviors, you should address that as a priority. Some types of harassment represent the worst of bullying behaviors. Most obvious is a workplace bully who frequently yells at you in anger. Simple response The simplest response to an out-of-control screamer is to turn and walk away. Alternatively, you can interrupt and say: “Let’s talk about this, when we can talk.” “Let me know when you’re ready to calmly discuss this.” “I can see that you’re angry, so let’s continue this later.” “Let’s get together when you’ve calmed down.” If he begins yelling again, just walk away. Assertive response If he settles down a little, you can take a more assertive approach. You can say calmly: “I don’t appreciate you talking to me like that. What’s bothering you?” Other phrases can be useful in beginning a relatively normal conversation (although it may take several attempts before he fully calms down). You can say: “I see you’re angry, but I don’t understand why. Start from the beginning.” “You’re obviously very angry. Why?” “Isn’t there a more professional way to handle this?” Aggressive response A more aggressive approach is to calmly interrupt him, and then act slightly amused as you make a humorous comment, such as: “You’re really good at getting my attention.” “I admire the way you’re able to express yourself so freely.” (Use with caution!) “You’re good at showing your anger. Do you practice that at home?” (Not recommended!) These examples may be counterproductive in dealing with bullies, though they can be effective with good people who uncharacteristically lose control. You can even try direct criticism, although this approach usually doesn’t accomplish anything. A bully who screams at you has either lost control or is highly manipulative; either way, he won’t be receptive to criticism. Nevertheless, with a sympathetic audience, you could interrupt the bully and ask: “Do you believe that confident, secure people need to yell?” (If he says “Yes, sometimes,” ask him “Why?” It could lead to interesting insights into his character.) Other forms of harassment Similar techniques are useful with less blatant (and less noisy) forms of harassment. For example, if his persistent criticisms become a torment, confront him with questions that help you uncover his underlying motivation. Make it clear that you are seeking a more professional relationship, and ask for his cooperation. Ask him what he would like from you, then look for common ground. Or just keep asking him to explain himself until he gets tired of bothering you. Ridicule A workplace bully may ridicule and belittle you, then dismiss it as harmless teasing. If you let him get away with it, he feels free to ridicule you again. A variety of techniques can be used to combat ridicule, including direct confrontation. if you convey your displeasure with his style of “teasing,” he is less likely to repeat the offense. Or, as a more direct response to ridicule, you can belittle his sense of humor. You might say: “You have a strange sense of humor.” “That’s a rather pathetic attempt at humor.” “Next time, could you raise your hand or something so we know when you’re kidding?” “Don’t quit your day job.”

Weapons Against… Ridicule Aggressive body language Rumor-mongering
A workplace bully may ridicule and belittle you, then dismiss it as harmless teasing. If you let him get away with it, he feels free to ridicule you again. A variety of techniques can be used to combat ridicule, including direct confrontation. if you convey your displeasure with his style of “teasing,” he is less likely to repeat the offense. Or, as a more direct response to ridicule, you can belittle his sense of humor. You might say: “You have a strange sense of humor.” “That’s a rather pathetic attempt at humor.” “Next time, could you raise your hand or something so we know when you’re kidding?” “Don’t quit your day job.” Aggressive body language Aggressive body language can be used by a bully as a subtle method to intimidate, belittle or undermine others. Your objective should be to force him to speak aloud what his mannerisms are implying. Confront the behavior Let’s say you are talking to a group when the bully sighs, fidgets or rolls his eyes. Stop mid-sentence, look at the bully, and ask: “Is there something on your mind?” “You’re making it very clear that you want to say something. What is it?” “Is everything okay? You seem upset.” “Are you all right?” When you do this in a meeting, you focus others on the bully’s inappropriate behavior, helping neutralize the impact. Uncover issues You may also open the door to uncovering deep-rooted issues. Rather than get angry at his annoying mannerisms, take the opportunity to question him until you get to the bottom of his thinking. Clarity benefits everyone (except an obfuscating bully). Destroy his blockade On the other hand, let’s say he’s trying to prevent opposing viewpoints from being considered. His aggressive body language is a tactic to distract, minimize and undermine. If you bring to light his behavior, others should be able to ignore further aggression. They might even recognize his inability to conduct himself in a professional manner. Rumor-mongering An underhanded bully may spread rumors about you. Unless he is a recreational gossiper, these are intended to undermine your reputation and diminish your power. Or he may initiate a rumor, perhaps using innuendo. For example, let’s say your name is Heather, and a bully notices that both you and a co-worker named Josh were out of the office at the same time. To begin a rumor, he could say behind your back: “I’m not going to speculate on what’s going on, but did you notice that Heather and Josh were both gone last Thursday and Friday?” He may add other observations, or perhaps tell some minor lies, to lead others to a false and malicious conclusion. “And Heather wasn’t wearing her wedding ring last week.” Confront him tactfully If you think someone has slandered you, confront him as soon as possible. Be simple and straightforward. Tell him what you heard, then ask him to confirm it. Be tactful in case you were misinformed. You can pretend it was a simple misunderstanding and strive for clarification. You can say: “I’m sure some wires got crossed, but did you tell someone that Josh and I were together last Thursday and Friday?” Make your point and let it drop He will probably deny slandering you. Don’t pursue it further: you’ve already made it clear to him that you can uncover his rumor-mongering, and that you’ll always confront him directly. With this knowledge, he is less likely to repeat the behavior. Don’t be seduced If a bully comes to you with gossip about someone else, show him that you aren’t going to play that game. Here are some responses to a bully who tries to pull you into his world of rumor-mongering: “I don’t want to hear it.” “That really doesn’t concern me.” “I’m not interested in that, and if I were, I would go talk to ____” (the subject of the rumor) “I’m not going to deal in rumors.” Those who are seduced by a bully into his world of hearsay, innuendo and gossip are setting themselves up to be future targets. Also, if you get on the bad side of the bully, he may suggest to upper management that you seem to keep up with all the latest gossip, and that you are a bad influence on the rest of the team (when in fact you were merely a willing listener to the bully’s spreading of unfounded rumors).

Friendly fighting Ignore the bullying Dismiss the bullying
Seek to understand the bully Give a friendly speech . Ignore the bullying At times, you may just want to ignore the behavior, particularly if the bullying is minor and rarely occurs. The simplest, quickest answer is to merely say “Thank you” and leave. 2. Dismiss the bullying Or act as if he didn’t say anything and ask a friendly question unrelated to the bullying. A non-threatening bully will treat you differently if all of his aggressions are met with friendly conversation. “Thanks for your input. I’m going back to work now.” “I don’t think so.” When the bullying has occurred before and you need a slightly stronger response, make a comment that quickly dismisses the bullying, then change the subject. You can say: “Not in a thousand years.” You may want to be little harsher in some situations. “That’s an interesting perspective.” “Oh, give me a break.” “What did you say?” (Wait for answer.) “Oh, that’s what I thought you said.” “Where did you get that idea?” “You don’t really believe that, do you?” “Thanks for the helpful input!” Or you can use an abrupt response that shows you are somewhat amused by his behavior. “Sounds like the problem was caused by a lack of supervision” “Maybe your expectations of me were too high.” “Thanks for being so honest with me!” Be careful not to say the last phrase to a bully who tends to micromanage or he’ll make sure you’re never unsupervised again. “No, that’s not true.” “No, I never believed that.” Another response is to make a direct contradiction, then change the subject. “No; that’s ridiculous.” “That’s not the way it happened.” “Why are you so upset over this?” When you show that you care, you may eliminate any desire he has to bully you. In essence, your empathy can change his view of you from adversary to friend. 3. Seek to understand the bully “Can you help me understand why this is so important to you?” “Can you help me understand why you are so upset?” A soft voice and sincere concern will go a long way towards winning him as a friend. “I’m sorry you’re upset. I can understand how you might see it that way.” “How did you arrive at that conclusion?” You can take control of a situation, perhaps even helping him, by giving a brief, friendly speech. Your purpose is to identify and solve his problem (also see "Tools for fighting back / Adopt a strong posture / Give a strong speech"). 4. Give a friendly speech Next, start your speech by saying: Start by showing the bully that you care. Ask questions and be a good listener until you fully understand his thinking. Show you care “I can understand why you’re upset...” Then show some sympathy for his problem. “You don’t deserve this,” you might say, then explain why he probably doesn’t deserve it, again from his point of view. You might include some sincere appreciation of him, relating to the issue you’re discussing, such as: ...and explain the issue from his point of view. “No one deserves to go through something like that.” Alternatively, you can say: “After all your hard work and sacrifice, you don’t deserve this.” Tell him your plan “I want to help you with this.” After that, state your intention to help him: Then tell him your specific plan for helping: “Would you rather ___ or ___?” Or offer him alternatives to choose from. “Here’s what I’m going to do: ___. Is that all right with you?” “Look, I’ll help you if I can, but you need to either ___ or ____. I’m not going to ___.” If he ignores your stated position, or the alternatives you’ve offered, repeat them exactly as before. That lets him know you aren’t going to be bullied. “Why don’t you think about it, then let me know what you want to do.” If you can’t get him to choose from your suggestions, back off and end the conversation. Be ready to end the conversation Example of a friendly speech Your boss may respond that promptness is important; that he needs to be able to count on you; that this has become a huge problem in the department. Follow up with questions to understand his attitude. This will become material for your mini-speech. Ask a sincere question, such as: “I don’t want you to get the impression that I’m not committed to my job. I am. But is there an issue with my coming in a little late now and then?” Let’s say one morning your boss goes a little crazy when you get to work a few minutes late. Don’t become defensive or snap back at him, but instead wait a while, then go into his office. “I can see why you’re concerned. It must be frustrating not to know where people are when you need them.” You then calmly begin your response to show that you understand his problems. Then tell him your plan for solving the problem. You may need to first explain the situation: “I want to help you on this.” Offer to help: “But I don’t know how to fix the problem of getting in late. Maybe we could call whenever traffic is a problem. And I could get you a list of our cell phone numbers to keep handy so you can reach us when we’re stuck in traffic.” “Some of us get stuck in traffic jams now and then. We have kids and can’t beat the traffic. We also like to go to doctors and dentists first thing in the morning to get it out of the way. But we could easily change those to afternoon appointments. If he is truly a non-threatening bully, your thoughtful consideration of his problem should result in an agreeable solution. “Is that all right with you?” Finally, ask for his response: The unfortunate, all-too-common approach is to become angry and frustrated, harbor bad feelings and never address or resolve the underlying issue. Repeated attacks because of the same problem then cause the situation to deteriorate to the point where you resign or are fired. A much worse alternative Wouldn’t it be easier to solve the problem by taking a little initiative?

Moderate response Just say no Put him off Confront him privately
Adopting a strong posture in saying “no” often stops a persistent bully. Use a strong, firm voice to show that you aren’t going to change your mind, even if he continues to badger you. The most basic approach is to politely say “no,” such as: “No, I’m sorry, I can’t do that.” Then repeat the same rejection until he stops demanding that you submit to him. You may need to use a harsher approach, although this technique has limited usefulness in most workplace situations. However, it is still useful to know, particularly when nothing else seems to convince the bully that you aren’t going to cooperate with an unreasonable demand. You can say: “You don’t seem to be hearing me: the answer is no!” “Hello? Can you hear me? I am saying NO.” “Let me think about it...okay, I’ve thought about it. The answer is still no.” 2. Put him off One of the more useful techniques is to avoid an argument by delaying your response. Refuse to explain yourself; just put him off until another day. For example: “I’ll need to think it over.” “I’ll get back to you on that” “Can I get back to you on that?” If he keeps insisting, and you’re not concerned about using a harsh tone, try saying: “Which part of ‘I’ll need to think it over’ don’t you understand?” Alternatively, you can respond to his repetitive demands by saying exactly the same thing, over and over again. For example, just keep saying: At some point, he may ask in a frustrated tone of voice: “Is that all you can say?” Your response: 3. Confront a bully privately It may take a private, one-on-one confrontation to change the behavior of a consistent bully. However, don’t don’t expect too much from the conversation. He may see it as an opportunity to gain more control over you. Neutral setting To confront the bully, wait for quiet, uninterrupted time (but not first thing in the morning when many people resent the intrusion). Try to meet in a private, neutral setting, such as a conference room or empty office (explain that you don’t want any interruptions). Bring a list of things you want to cover. Use one or two word reminders only; writing out full sentences to read aloud is counterproductive. You need to sound sincere and confident, not scripted and timid. Positive tone Set a positive, friendly tone for your meeting by telling him that you want to figure out how to better work together. If he begins to lose control, excuse yourself, saying that you would rather wait until he is not so angry. Also, if he insists on meeting you in his office, but then takes a phone call, excuse yourself and leave. You can always go back later and start again. Stick to the facts During the confrontation, don’t tell him how you feel. He may view that as a sign of weakness. Instead, confront him with the facts of his bad behavior and ask for his response. For example: “I was told you said that I ____. Is that true?” “I want us to work well together, but I can’t because of the way you ____. In the future, I need you to ____.” “Can you suggest some things we can do to solve this problem?” “Is there some way we can work together more effectively?” Clarify and agree After he responds, you can ask follow-up questions to clarify his meaning and perhaps uncover his underlying intentions. If he suggests a reasonable resolution to the problem, agree with his proposal, thank him and end the meeting. That demonstrates your desire to cooperate, as long as he acts fairly towards you. Give a strong speech Very often, he won’t come up with a useful suggestion. If this happens, you may want to switch gears and use a modified version of the “Give a friendly speech” technique. With a consistent bully, your little speech should get to the point more quickly. The following outline may be useful. Mini-speech outline Start your speech by explaining the issue from his point of view. State your intention to find a solution. Tell him your specific plan for resolving the issue (possibly offering some alternatives for his behavior). Ask him if your plan is acceptable to him (or ask him to choose an alternative). Exit gracefully You may discover that nothing satisfies the bully during your confrontation. Don’t worry if that is the case; at least you’ve put him on notice that you are not a doormat for him to wipe his feet on. If you can’t come to a reasonable solution, back off and end the conversation, saying: “Why don’t you think about it; we can talk again later.” “I think you understand my concerns now.” Then thank him for his time and leave. Careful confrontation = a win for you He will think twice before bullying you again, since he knows you will confront his bad behavior. If nothing else, he will be motivated to find easier targets for his future bullying. C. Powerful response to a highly aggressive bully Does it seem like you’ve tried everything, but the bully is still winning? Maybe you need more firepower. Be cautious, however: with some bullies, the more force you exert, the greater his retaliation. Powerful techniques Encourage him to open up Question underlying thinking Offer meaningless apology Force him to make meaningful point Force him to explain behaviors Criticize him openly Tell him you recognize his bullying nature Tell him to leave you alone Imply something is wrong with him Imply he is a good person 1. Encourage a bully to fully express himself As usual, an important first step is to encourage your opponent to fully express himself. Try asking: “You seem very angry. Why?” “Why does that bother you?” “What else is bothering you?” “What do you think we should do about it?” 2. Question his underlying thinking Once he describes a problem, follow up with questions to uncover his underlying thinking. “What’s behind your concerns?” “What’s the real problem here?” But don’t accept what he says at face value. If you sense he is still holding back, don’t waste your time trying to uncover things he will never reveal. Instead, appreciate the additional pieces of the puzzle he has given you and make an educated guess as to his real motives. 3. Offer meaningless apology or appreciation Despite your efforts, you may not make any progress towards a solution. If you don’t see any benefit to pursuing it further, dismiss the problem with a brief, meaningless comment and walk away. “Thanks for your advice. I’ll need to think about that.” “I’m sorry that I bother you so much.” You can also use the old stand-by: “Dealing with you provides wonderful opportunities for personal growth.” 4. Force him to make a meaningful point Among the more powerful weapons are direct questions that force a bully to say something meaningful, rather than his usual rambling and generalizing. These questions can be effective both one-on-one and at meetings. “What’s your point?” “What do you mean?” “How is that relevant?” “What are you getting at?” “What are you trying to say?” “Why are you telling us this?” “If there’s something you want, why don’t you come out and say it?” “Does anyone here understand what he is saying?” “Is anyone else as confused by this as I am?” The last three items are particularly effective in motivating a bully to fire you. 5. Force him to explain his bullying behavior Highly direct questions, focused on his bullying behavior, can also be useful in forcing him to explain himself. “Why are you blaming me?” “Why are you trying to make me feel guilty?” “Why are you comparing me to _________?” “How did you come to the conclusion that I’ve hurt your reputation?” “How did you come to the conclusion that I’m not fully committed to the department?” “Why do you believe that I’m not a team player?” 6. Criticize him openly (Not recommended!) Criticizing a workplace bully in front of others will do more harm than good. It can also shift you from the role of being bullied into the role of bullying others. This approach is not recommended. However, if you feel you have a sympathetic audience and a compelling reason, here are a few things you can say to a highly aggressive bully: “You seem to be blaming everyone but yourself.” “Are you trying to be rude, or are you just insensitive?” “We’re generating more heat than light here.” (say this after the bully speaks) 7. Tell him you recognize his bullying nature (Use with caution!) During a one-on-one confrontation, you may want to tell a workplace bully that you understand what he is doing. Even though he will probably deny any less-than-honorable intentions, the message will be clear that you are fully aware of his bad behaviors. “I believe your explanations are irrelevant. Your actions are what really matter.” “I know what you’re up to, and I’m not playing along.” “I’d really love to help you, but I make it a rule not to let people take advantage of me.” 8. Tell him to leave you alone (Not recommended!) A more extreme approach is to firmly tell the bully to leave you alone. “I don’t have time for this.” (Then turn and walk away) “Can you do me a favor? Don’t bother me anymore.” “I’m not listening to this any more. In my opinion, you’ve gone too far.” 9. Imply something is wrong with him (Use with caution!) You can try to put a workplace bully on the defensive by asking questions about his well-being, such as: “Is everything okay?” “You don’t seem well today. What’s wrong?” “Are you happy here?” This technique also can be used to show your amusement at his highly aggressive behavior. For example, after he screams, calmly say: “Thanks for caring so much. Your passion really shows through. Now, tell me, what’s the real problem?” 10. Imply that he is a good person displaying bad behavior Then there is the compassionate approach. Maybe by this time you have developed some pity for the pathetic character of the bully. Put it this way: no matter the outcome, you will eventually end up in a healthy, normal work environment with positive, cooperative people. Meanwhile, the bully will continue in his living hell of dysfunctional interactions. Now that you understand his sad future, why not try to rescue him? Start by seeing him as he could be, or as he would be if he weren’t such an overly ambitious, egotistical jerk. Ascribe to him good qualities and see how he responds. “I don’t believe that you’re really like this.” “I know that underneath it all, you only want to do the right thing.” “You may act like a tough manager, but underneath it all, I know you’re a good person.” “That’s not like you! You must be under a lot of pressure.” If he responds favorably (“You’re right, I am under a lot of pressure”), then you are well on your way to stopping the bullying, and perhaps even reforming the bully. Final Words Your arsenal is now full. A wide variety of weapons are available to deal with the bullies lurking in a typical workplace. But don’t be surprised if you end up using simple, basic techniques over and over again. In skilled hands, they are usually the most effective methods for dealing with bullies. Make your own choices Dealing with a skilled workplace bully can be overwhelming. But don’t feel you are alone: countless others are experiencing the same challenges, disappointments and frustrations. No matter how difficult things become, remember that you always make your own choices: you can choose not to let the bully bother you, you can choose to fight back, or you can choose to leave the company. Even doing nothing and being a victim is a choice (though not a very good one). Fighting back against workplace bullying may last weeks or months, or even years in some highly competitive industries where bullying is widespread. We could all benefit from a good coach, but in the absence of that, my hope is that this website can provide a few of the same insights and suggestions. And now that you have the knowledge and tools to fight back, it’s time for you to face your fears and make your own choices. It’s not up to the workplace bullies of the world to dictate your future; it’s up to you.

Powerful response to a highly aggressive bully
Encourage him to open up Question underlying thinking Offer meaningless apology Force him to make meaningful point Force him to explain behaviors 1. Encourage a bully to fully express himself As usual, an important first step is to encourage your opponent to fully express himself. Try asking: “What else is bothering you?” “Why does that bother you?” “You seem very angry. Why?” “What do you think we should do about it?” “What’s behind your concerns?” Once he describes a problem, follow up with questions to uncover his underlying thinking. 2. Question his underlying thinking But don’t accept what he says at face value. If you sense he is still holding back, don’t waste your time trying to uncover things he will never reveal. Instead, appreciate the additional pieces of the puzzle he has given you and make an educated guess as to his real motives. “What’s the real problem here?” Despite your efforts, you may not make any progress towards a solution. If you don’t see any benefit to pursuing it further, dismiss the problem with a brief, meaningless comment and walk away. 3. Offer meaningless apology or appreciation “Thanks for your advice. I’ll need to think about that.” “I’m sorry that I bother you so much.” 4. Force him to make a meaningful point “Dealing with you provides wonderful opportunities for personal growth.” You can also use the old stand-by: Among the more powerful weapons are direct questions that force a bully to say something meaningful, rather than his usual rambling and generalizing. These questions can be effective both one-on-one and at meetings. “How is that relevant?” “What do you mean?” “What’s your point?” “What are you trying to say?” “What are you getting at?” “Does anyone here understand what he is saying?” “If there’s something you want, why don’t you come out and say it?” “Why are you telling us this?” “Is anyone else as confused by this as I am?” Highly direct questions, focused on his bullying behavior, can also be useful in forcing him to explain himself. 5. Force him to explain his bullying behavior The last three items are particularly effective in motivating a bully to fire you. “Why are you trying to make me feel guilty?” “Why are you blaming me?” “How did you come to the conclusion that I’m not fully committed to the department?” “How did you come to the conclusion that I’ve hurt your reputation?” “Why are you comparing me to _________?” 6. Criticize him openly (Not recommended!) “Why do you believe that I’m not a team player?” This approach is not recommended. Criticizing a workplace bully in front of others will do more harm than good. It can also shift you from the role of being bullied into the role of bullying others. However, if you feel you have a sympathetic audience and a compelling reason, here are a few things you can say to a highly aggressive bully: “You seem to be blaming everyone but yourself.” 7. Tell him you recognize his bullying nature (Use with caution!) “We’re generating more heat than light here.” (say this after the bully speaks) “Are you trying to be rude, or are you just insensitive?” During a one-on-one confrontation, you may want to tell a workplace bully that you understand what he is doing. Even though he will probably deny any less-than-honorable intentions, the message will be clear that you are fully aware of his bad behaviors. “I’d really love to help you, but I make it a rule not to let people take advantage of me.” “I know what you’re up to, and I’m not playing along.” “I believe your explanations are irrelevant. Your actions are what really matter.” 8. Tell him to leave you alone (Not recommended!) A more extreme approach is to firmly tell the bully to leave you alone. “I’m not listening to this any more. In my opinion, you’ve gone too far.” “Can you do me a favor? Don’t bother me anymore.” “I don’t have time for this.” (Then turn and walk away) 9. Imply something is wrong with him (Use with caution!) “You don’t seem well today. What’s wrong?” “Is everything okay?” You can try to put a workplace bully on the defensive by asking questions about his well-being, such as: This technique also can be used to show your amusement at his highly aggressive behavior. For example, after he screams, calmly say: “Are you happy here?” Then there is the compassionate approach. Maybe by this time you have developed some pity for the pathetic character of the bully. Put it this way: no matter the outcome, you will eventually end up in a healthy, normal work environment with positive, cooperative people. Meanwhile, the bully will continue in his living hell of dysfunctional interactions. 10. Imply that he is a good person displaying bad behavior “Thanks for caring so much. Your passion really shows through. Now, tell me, what’s the real problem?” Now that you understand his sad future, why not try to rescue him? “I know that underneath it all, you only want to do the right thing.” “I don’t believe that you’re really like this.” Start by seeing him as he could be, or as he would be if he weren’t such an overly ambitious, egotistical jerk. Ascribe to him good qualities and see how he responds. “That’s not like you! You must be under a lot of pressure.” “You may act like a tough manager, but underneath it all, I know you’re a good person.” If he responds favorably (“You’re right, I am under a lot of pressure

Powerful Response to a Highly Aggressive Bully
Criticize him openly Tell him you recognize his bullying nature Tell him to leave you alone Imply something is wrong with him Imply he is a good person

Make your own choices Don’t feel you are alone
You can choose not to let the bully bother you, you can choose to fight back, or you can choose to leave the company. Even doing nothing and being a victim is a choice (though not a very good one). Fighting back against workplace bullying may last weeks or months, or even years in some highly competitive industries where bullying is widespread : countless others are experiencing the same challenges, disappointments and frustrations

How to Diffuse (cont) You can also focus a workplace bully through specific questioning, such as: “Excuse me, but how is that relevant to our current discussion?” “Help me here for a minute.” (Then ask a question.) “Are you saying ___ (paraphrase)?”

Advice from Veterans of Bullying Wars
Take a Stand & get the help you need to confront the bully Fight back from the beginning Realize that the bully is really a coward Tell others that you trust what is happening Build support & get ready to confront Do not take any crap from anyone Keep records of the bullying events Have other poeple on your side. Include how the incident made you feel physically & emotionally. In a civil suit, damages are calculated according to how much harm was done to you and the degree of harm. Be consistent and professional in your documentation. Your credibility depends on what you write and how you write it.

Do not attempt Bully Busting unless and until you are bully proof
RULE # 1 Do not attempt Bully Busting unless and until you are bully proof

3 Bully Busting Approaches
Trust the internal grievance procedures & comply with union requirements, if present?? Hire an Attorney Mount an internal, informed campaign to the top, outside normal channels, seeking justice

Legally Speaking There is no law in any US state against workplace bullying. No lawyers specialize in it. There are a few laws against cruelty against humans in general. Only “disadvantaged “people deserve protection. Filing a lawsuit leads to predictable retaliation, financial expense, & risk of worsening emotional damage The justice you seek can rarely be achieved in a courtroom You may feel let down by the attorney’s opinion FILING: Tremendous $ expense. Attorneys are expensive, read documents very slowly & charge in 6 min,. Intervals. Chances are high you will have to pay a significant retainer ($10,000 or more) & deplete your savings before a trial date is set. Similar to a rape & may be retraumatized.

Options www.ecoc.gov/facts/fs-fed.html
Each state has an equal opportunity dept FMLA of = 12 wks leave in a 12 mo. period for “serious health condition: of employee or child, spouse, or parent A few states make short term disability available. Manager may not harass you while on disability If terminated file for unemployment benefits If you are a federal employee & fired & you feel discrimination based on any of the protected categories, may file a complaint with Equal Employment Opportunity Commission. Check out the website. They will review your case without charge numbers If your complaint deals with mistreatment or unfairness unrelated to one of the protected categories, you may want to investigate & send a complaint to the Merit System Protection Board EACH STATE: under different names. FMLA: must have worked for 12 mo. & for at least 1250 hrs. during previous 12 mo. period. For employers with 50 or more employees for each working day –during each of 20 or more calendar workweeks in the current or preceding calendar yr. Or time worked during a specified baseline period. Also, your unemployment must be determined to be through no fault of your own & must meet eligibility requirements of state law. Usually if you resign, you are not eligible for unemployment benefits. However, if your resignation is considered constructive discharge, then may be eligible. But don’t expect too much. You’ll only receive a fraction of your former compensation. To file a claim, contact state’s unemployment insurance agency ASAP after becoming unemployed. S.T. by telephone or internet. Some states have 2-3 wks before first check, S>T> 6 wks. You must file periodic (weekly or beweekly) claims & respond to continued eligibility. If denied you can file an appeal. Benefits are subject to federal income tax. SHORT Term Disability: Make sure that filing for SDI will not interfere for your eligibility for a longer-term program. Unemployment: Must meet state requirements for wages earned

Ultimately Employees can only escape Bully rule mongering when either the Bullying Boss or they leave But by becoming expert in the workplace rules, Warriors acquire defensive shields against bullying while also gaining expertise useful as offensive swords The Warrior becomes capable of measuring the irrationally of their Bully’s conduct against the clear standards afforded by businesslike rules Bullying Bosses love rules. They are out to ding the Target regardless and repeatedly. Also often Bullies have make believe rules & duties, beyond of being aware of them to the extent possible, there’s not much that can be done about what’s not real to begin with.

CONGRATULATIONS! Whether you resigned or were fired
you are away from your bully and out of a toxic environment You’re ready to begin again!

Go Digging Among co-workers & Superiors Google.com & yahoo.com
Bn.com & amazon.com Library search for Articles Lexus Nexus County Court Clerk’s office County Recorder’s Office

Key Words to explore Industry Employer CEO or Director
A key Manager or 2 A key customer/client or several Bullying Boss

How to Find an Attorney Ask if attorney represents primarily plaintiffs or mostly defends corporations & employees Need discrimination for a case Avoid a law firm if there is conflict of interest Get permission from federal EEOC before you can hire a private attorney ASK: There is an organization of attorneys who are primarily plaintiffs’ attorneys: the NELA (Nat. Employment Lawyers Assoc). NELA members must have 51% of the clients be individual plaintiffs. NEED: discrimination based on gender, race, ethnicity, age, or disability or claim of “intentional infliction of emotional distress: AVOID: if any attorney there represents the company you are considering suing. EEOC cases can take 10 yrs, to finish! Call the referrals before signing contracts.

Finding an Attorney Ask how they want to be contacted
Demand experience, ask for their success rate, ask for referrals from satisfied clients Ask for an itinerary of how & when you will be prepared for your deposition ( or will you be left to devise your own strategy Ask about regular case updates An assessment of time available for your case given current caseload

Finding a Good Attorney
Results: % of claims settled (at what stage) % cases gone to trial & results Ave. monetary award won for clients with similar cases Willingness to accept case on contingency vs retainer & fees as you go Can attorney recommend another attorney? CONTINGENCY(court costs paid by firm or by you) Attorneys will typically take contingency basis for fees on workmen's comp claims. Otherwise will usually be hourly fee + reimbursable expenses. Also, ask if attorney requires a retainer & if so how much? How will retainer be used, is it returnable if there is a balance? Ask for estimate of total cost. Locate a plaintiffs attorney, if possible. Most “employment lawyers” defend employers,. Ask your attorney what % of clients are plaintiffs, You need an employee advocate, NELA (Nat. Employment Lawyers Assoc.) or nela.org. You need a legal opinion before threatening action during a confrontation with your bully . Know the law. Do not be disappointed if your situation has a weak legal standing, If you are told you have no case, ask for a second opinion RECOMMEND: if your Q are not answered to you satisfaction or attorney doesn’t want you as a client If you do engage an attorney, you will still have to carry the majority of the burden for winning your case. You will provide much of the information & new angles & approaches. You must have a support network in place to help you keep your balance. Don’t expect the attorney to prop you up emotionally. Solicit support from family & friends

Finding an Attorney www.abanet.org = Am Bar Assoc
= law firm websites = will match lawyer =location & specific practice = data base & “ask an attorney Last offers nationwide list of employment lawyers who have public web sites & most are NELA members & primarily represent employees.

Mount an Internal, Informal Campaign
Seek advice from medical practitioners using your health plan Solicit Witness Statements Confront the Bully File the internal complaint If you are a federal employee & you feel you have been fired due to discrimination based on any of the protected categories file a complaint with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission. 2. Get outside your employer’s grasp. Go outside for the sake of your mental health. Also remember that when you are later asked to sign a general release of your medical records by your employer, you can limit the search to specific appointments with specific providersn not only job stress-related matters. Never sign an open book general release unless advised by your attorney, Also do not automatically file a workers’ comp claim until you seek legal advise. Some states forbid lawsuits if this is sought. 3. Simple statement , date & time, names of other coworkers present a description of the action with direct quotes. Signature & date. 4. Fix blame on the bully. Blame the Bully, not I know you have been having a lot of difficulty at home & that may shorten your temper with me…. Do not use language of FEELING. Not “When you call me incompetent in from of so & so, I feel embarrassed & ashamed.”This is like showing your jugular vein, and makes the bully feel successful. Rent 1995 movie “Swimming with the Sharks” starring Kevin Spacey. Targets prize fairness and feelings. Bullies only respect power & control. Let the bully know that you know his/her weaknesses. Then clearly make your demand “and don’t stand in the way of my transfer (or next job) or I’ll bring you down”. two methods: 1) behind closed doors with a very trusted witness and a tape recorder. Rehearse a speech about “unprofessional, unacceptable, unthinkable” pattern of misconduct. Fire both barrels at her. You might threaten legal action (only if you have consulted an attorney and the misconduct is actionable) or exposing her incompetence to high-ups. Use your people reading skills to exploit the bully’s vulnerability. This tough talk approach reminds one of their personal strength & confidence, Bully may select someone else. 2) May confront as a group. There is strength in numbers. Groups rarely recognize the power they have over weak people like bullies. A Shining example of this is the “Code Pink” technique used by surgical nurses. Nurses gather around a berating surgeon and demand an apology to the nurse And his promise to behave in a civil manner. If he does not, the nurses refuse to assist that person with current & future pts. If when a bully boss is berating someone, the person opened the door and called for all of his fellow employees to come in . Bullies thrive on lies, secrecy, and imagined fear. 5. Consider everyone who represents your employer as playing a role in a bad play. Filing can be dangerous to your career. Often bullying will escalate after filing. Dr. Namie suggest filing immediately after the first deplorable incident, & he suggests minimal filing. Give the complaint-taker only dates, times, & a dispassionate account of the bully’s actions, Be Brief. Never give an emotional account. There may be talk of doing an “investigation”. Do not expect + results. Expect the truth to not come out. Do not be surprised if disciplinary action begins against you. Do not cooperate with the employer’s process except to repeat your account of the systemic mistreatment. Do not sign documents under duress. Insist on taking all documents you are asked to sign to private legal counsel for an opinion. If you have a union, make sure that a union rep is with you. MEDIATION:

OPTION = Mediation 1. Decide what you want from mediation 2. Develop a list of mediators / state bar assoc/National Association for Community Mediation 3. Assess mediator’s training, knowledge, experience 4. Interview mediators with regard to ethics, confidentiality, logistics, cost 5. Evaluate information & make a decision YOU Can REQUEST MEDIATION. List: from word of mouth, referral services.

Worker’s Compensation
Difficult Almost always need to hire an attorney Usually stress-related claims Whether claim proved successful or not, it can haunt one during search for a new job Expect scrutiny, and Q.s about every aspect of your life. In some states it is legal for companies with 15 or more employees to review workers’ compensation records after a conditional job offer has been made. Also can view medical record.

Preparing of the Case Against the Bully
Search for code violations Identify Allies Use Rule of Two Revise your documentation Make a liability-focused case against the bully Introduce “Employment Practices Liability” Estimate the dollar value of downtime Risk of losing reputation & credibility Clarify your expectations Check policies & procedures. Employment contract, job description, quote noble language from the organization’s mission & vision or values statements. Also, annual reports boast of enlightened labor practices and caring for the employer’s most valued resource –it’s human capital, you. Find a way to capture the hypocrisy between espoused (printed & aspired to goals) and enacted (bullying behavior practiced daily and actually encouraged) practices by your employer. The ultimate policy is outside the company—societal law.. Go two levels above the bully or higher to find support. If you can not find an ally, chances are good you will be the one leaving, It is not just or fair; it is simply a reality of how organizations work. Allies from3 categories: the bully’s, yours who currently work there, and yours who used to work there. The bully has many friends at work. He/she is good at kissing up the ladder while tormenting those below. Do your research.

The Complete Demand Include an organizational solution ensuring your safety & health Request a cash value for damages and personal restoration if you stay Request a severance package for damages & restoration, if you are the one to leave

A Safety & Health Solution
A transfer? Insist that all time off privileges be restored Refuse to stay unless your next report of bullying results in the bully’s immediate dismissal You agree to stay under certain conditions The bully will not be fired, A slap on the wrist is about all that is done. A caring employer will offer to transfer you. You agree……. If retaliation occurs or new supervisor continues mistreatment, you automatically invoke a severance agreement. That us you are giving the employer “one last chance” to refrain from cruelty.

Cash for Damages & Personal Restoration
Affix a dollar value to the pain & suffering without referring to it in those terms. Design you severance Package include: a clean recommendation a transition period of a determined length damages restoration expenses What is 2 yrs. of your work life worth?” In a court case, compensatory damages are actual costs associated with the plaintiff's complaint. Punitive damages can be awarded. DESIGN: 82% of Targets claim the only way the bullying stopped for them was to leave their jobs. It may be useful to pay for another attorney here. May need help with the language of a settlement agreement. Try to play on a level playing field. If you do not want your attorney present, then get coaching on tricks & traps for employees in typical agreements,. Know what rights can be forfeited and which ones are worth preserving, It is impt. To prepare your demand knowing that during the discussion with senior management you may be asked to quit. This can be done with dignity and you need to be ready to insist on it. Negotiating in good faith is a sign of respect. If the employer is angered that you have held them accountable for the bully’s misconduct. If you see HR there, security guard, a cardboard box, and a piece of paper & a pen—you will know. Do not sign anything about disrupting the work environment, etc. You will escorted to your workstation and out of the door. If you have been advised by an attorney, it would be wonderful to have a letter to pull out a letter on the attorney’s stationary. Unfortunately, most Targets think of calling attorneys only after their coerced termination (which they sign) and hostile escort off the premises. State clearly the bully is not to defame you in any way. Stipulate a stiff fine $500,000 Dr. Namie suggests 18 mo for the transition period. If you are close to retirement age, then extrapolate this until retirement. Include lost salary & money to purchase health insurance at COBRA rates. If company car, then ask for cost of replacing, or leasing car. Create a deadline date by which you want the matter resolved. The employer will try to stall as long as possible.

The “Rule of 2” Meeting presenting your case
Be prepared for two meetings Meeting with the Senior Manager The Bully’s Tribunal

Meeting with Senior Manager
Schedule a one hour meeting Ask Senior Manager to invite the director of risk management to attend. Have representative with you. Thank them for attending. Have an agenda Present your case in chronological manner Begin with a brief portrayal 2 min.) of the work world before the bully arrived. Attorney or trusted co-worker, who will take notes, or a tape recorder. Offer to make a duplicate tape for the senior manager.

Meeting (cont.) Tell specifically how he/she disrupted normalcy for everyone. Use abbreviated list of actions, dates, & triggering events ( about 10 min). Emphasize impact on outsiders who were appalled by the conduct. Detail the liability risks she poses. (10 min.) Keep appealing to satisfying the organization’s broader needs Listen for senior manager’s response Repeat risks that seem important

Meeting Manager will ask you bluntly what you propose they do. State you believe that employees deserve a safe workplace, one that ensures physical and psychological safety. Discuss Vision & mission. Ask to have the bully disciplined & moved If above is rejected, then wait for them to offer you a transfer. State your conditions to approve a transfer Give your deadline for action Deadline: about one week is reasonable

The Bully’s Tribunal Announce the meeting to all participants separately Make it a public meeting with witnesses in addition to the Bully and the Target It’s your agenda. Keep it vague Have clearly defined, specific outcome expectations Hold the meeting at a site neutral or uncomfortable for the bully Record the meeting with deliberate redundancy State purpose is to review the performance of Do not give list of attendees to bully. Be sure HR sends a representative Senior manager’s office would be ideal Have audio, video & written records

Bully’s Tribunal (cont.)
Compel the Senior Manager to attend Present your carefully prepared case as you did to the senior Manager, only be briefer Emphasize code or policy violations Do not threaten legal action unless approved by your attorney Call witnesses Turn to the senior manager for a decision Be clear that you are holding the employer responsible for the bully’s misconduct Good to have risk management there too. Witnesses: They may be reluctant to appear in person, be ready to submit written statements of facts

Bully’s Tribunal (cont.)
Ideally bully will be disciplined according to a progressive system already in place Sanctions or termination should be the consequence when subsequent violations are reported Make HR the implementers of the contract & that HR has to act if bullying is reported again Ensure written permanent immunity from retaliation & protection from future harm By you or anyone else. HR will not be allowed to deny, delay, or deflect the complaint as before. FUTURE HARM: includes direct assaults, blatantly negative and false performance evaluations, punitive work assignments, involuntary transfer, coerced termination) for all who brought or supported the case against the bully, Have the senior manager warn the bully for all to hear.

Taking Your Case Public Speaking Out or Not
When meetings do not produce results or management refuses to meet at all Can use 3 possible public audiences 1. Customers 2. the organization’s governing Board of Director’s 3. the general public, reachable via media Bullyinginstitute.org Complete the “On Record” form Customers: requires them to absolutely love you BOD: right before going to the press, give one last chance. Prepare a 5 min. Presentation (Use a one page bullet list) Research the Board members as individuals. Try to meet with individual Board members. Try to find an ally on the BOD Media: Start with local paper. Ask for a reporter who covers workplace issues. Know length & writer guidelines The Bullying Institute is the clearinghouse of tales about bullying, and is constantly approached by print & media reporters. However, Attorney Mueller cautions that many people think often “ If they don’t get rid of that guy, I’m going to ‘60 Minutes’. Horrible things happen to people all day long. But that is not the definition of news. The media does not generally regard employees’ problems as significant news

Whistleblower Checklist by Tom Devine
Make memorandums for a record of every bullying incident Identify & copy all necessary supporting documents like organizational, work performance documents, medical/mental health records. Create a larger support circle that consists of others who will benefit from blowing the whistle on bullying Seek help from specialist Learn how to navigate the legal landscape via an Attorney who is familiar with whistle blowing. Records. If these are not Available make a list of records that exist but are unobtainable, & where they are located Specialist: employment attorneys, civil rights attorneys, mental health experts, physicians, LEARN: Once an organization is challenged & exposed, upper-level managers may fire back with legal counterattacks, threats, & even filing lawsuits against the whistleblower. Targets should make sure they understand the legal definitions & required proof of libel, slander, defamation, wrongful termination, actual damages, & punitive damages. Targets should also supply their attorney with potential witnesses to bolster their case.

Whistleblower Checklist
Whistleblowers must develop survival strategies to cope with the almost certain prospect of having all their own faults, errors, & dirty laundry exposed to discredit them. Examine motivation for whistle blowing Consider trying to work within the system before going public Whistleblowers should consult their families before going public Keep a detailed record of all events before & after the whistle is sounded. Expect the bully or organization will make every attempt to destroy the whistleblower’s credibility. Examine: Targets who merely seek revenge against a bully or organization should rethink their plan. The same can be said for targets who seek only their 15 min. of fame & attention. The public has a short attention span, but whistleblowers must live their lives carrying the memories of the long, difficult fight for justice and change. Within system: Targets should first exhaust all internal relief systems before breaking ranks. Failed attempts to work within the organization’s grievance system should be carefully & completely documented; not doing this reflects poorly on a whistleblower’s credibility. CONSULT FAMILIES: Although targets face enormous hardships at work due to bullying, challenging the system can cause considerable family problems. /Supportive families can also provide targets with a soft place to fall during this gut-wrenching period . Document any seemingly retaliation-oriented acts by the bully & the organization. Targets should not include speculation, personal opinions, or animosity toward the bully & the organization.

Speaking Out or Not 1st thing people think of doing is going to the press. “If they don’t get rid of that guy, I’m going to ‘60 Minutes’”. Horrible things do happen to good people all day, but that is not the definition of news. -Mueller Mueller goes on to comment that to be a whistleblower in our day & age approaches being a SECULAR SAINT. Whistleblowers are receiving increased political attention & are being backed up by stronger laws, but the fact is they do not do very well. They tend to come out martyrs.

Moving On, Up or Out WBTI Research says…
Targets Bear Brunt of Stomping the Bullying 11% of Targets transferred within the same employer 38% left voluntarily to stop further health damage 44% were terminated using employer-controlled methods In only 7% of cases was the bully censured, transferred, or terminated Namie In Namie’s data 82% of those who reported being bullied actually lost their jobs “simply because a bully came into their lives.”

To leave or to stay -David Hurd
Do a cost-benefit analysis on a 2 column sheet Targets underestimate the consequences for their health Leaving with dignity seems to quicken the healing process Arrange for a + references & a great letter Write your own letter of recommendation & make the employer sign it before you leave. Use a Documented Reference Check to verify compliance Goad the bully into defaming you to others. Get it on the record. (Most bullies will actually boast of the smear campaign they launch against you). David Hurd, attorney and author of the Calif. Employee Survival Handbook, states it is illegal for an employer to make a “misrepresentation which prevents or attempts to prevent a former employee from getting a new job,,,,,. A misrepresentation can include any act, suggestion or inference that leads the listener to believe something untruthful or misleading…even gestures, or tone of voice, or a raising of an eyebrow could qualify as an illegal misrepresentation.”

To Leave or To Stay -David Hurd
Warn the bully and all bully supporters, including HR, that they are to provide the next employer with dates of employment only or face legal action Know the Law regarding Defamation of Character Hurd is an attorney and is the author of the California Employees Survival Handbook. & can be found on According to Hurd, if an employer “volunteers to another person or another employer, the reason or reasons for an employee’s discharge or reason for quitting, that employer is guilty of a crime.. The past employer is only permitted to disclose the truthful reasons for the discharge or voluntary termination of the employee if the past employer is specifically asked without prompting. Because warning didn’t stop liars & cowards, consider using a unique pro-employee service from DRC [( ]. The company calls your ex-employer as would someone checking your references. Since they are working for you, for a modest fee, they transcribe exactly what is said. LAW: This involves the definition of defamation, slander, libel

Worst-Case Scenerio Launch a Pre-emptive Strike about your version of the bullying fiasco at the interview for the next job Review your record of bullying incidents and the response by the employer. Consider legal Action against the company. 1. Prospective employers are always desperate to talk to your ex-employer, Convince them to not do this. Tell them there was conflict & positive News from the bully is not likely. If you let them know how you expect to be smeared, then you will have self-published the defamation you anticipate. According to Hurd, your statement would be admissable in court to show you have been defamed by disclosing the false statements made against you by the ex-employer. Direct their attention to the + COMMENTS BY OTHERS. Emphasize the + skills you bring. Compliment them on their reputation as a humane, progressive employer who cares about employees, if they do enjoy this reputation. 2. Scan the record & your memory for potential invasions of your privacy. In the Workplace you should expect that the employer’s property would be considered public. Pursue legal or EEO complaints if applicable. Your depaRTURE is imminent when complaints are filed, As a rule, retaliation is swift, severe, & persistent for those who dare to complain. If your rights have been violated as a member of a “protected class” under Title VII Civil Rights Act, call EEOC. For a free consultation & preliminary determination of your status. I you are not Title VII eligible, consult a plaintiffs –only Attorney or an attorney concerned about employee rights. There may be a “tort” law that applies –i.e. intentional infliction of emotional distress , constructive discharge, defamation wrongful termination breach of contract, constructive discharge, defamation, wrongful termination, breach of contract reckless indifference employer negligence. Do not expect to get rich from winning a ;law suit. Also consider how your current employer feels about someone on staff who has sued a boss. You must expect retaliation.

Options for Mobbing Analyze what is actually going on
Attempt to work it out Bear with it, protect yourself, & use survival strategies Plan an escape. Resign with or without a new job. Fight with legal means while still on the job or soon after Disclose – whistle-blowing Engage in positive action that uses your experience to help eliminate future mobbing situations

Survival Strategies Figured out what actually was going on
Responded to attacks with confidence & without fear Did not participate in the game that was inflicted on them Refused to be a victim Displayed a great deal of spiritual & mental strength & trusted things would change. Consciously took steps to leave Diverted their energies to other pursuits they enjoyed & did not invest their creativity in the organization Mobbing by Davenport, et al, p. 105

Strategies Document diligently Find an attorney Mediated settlement
Recovering & moving forward Mobbing by Davenport, et al, p.114 Document, Document. Document. Also what you are attempting to do to stop the bully. Name witnesses. Was anything done about the bullying. Save voice mails, memo’s, faxes, memos, letters. Attorney, but tell no one in the workplace Many open their own businesses

Survival Strategies -Mobbing by Davenport
Go through grieving consciously Believe in the value of change Do not isolate yourself Seek out support of friends and family Have a pet Be with people & do things you love Flowers, music,

MOBBING Use your existing skills in another context, volunteering, part-time job Learn a new skill Stop “victim” thoughts Make a plan Have faith Mobbing by Davenport, et al p. 106

Survival Strategies - Mueller
Find a full richness of life outside work’s walls Your spouse/partner as a support “Touching the Market” Take “sick leave” and vacations 1st nightly complaints about work abuse – tend to confuse matters more than clarify them. Helpful for the spouse to read about the general phenomenon of Bullying. Ideal is working as teammates & work the note cards, incident reports, comparison charts, & review collected documents. TOUCHING: Even if don’t want to leave job, do scan the job market. Interview a recruiter about the market under the guise of a job interview. By doing this, Workplace Warriors acquire new reserves of power outside work & thus make themselves far more potent inside. SICK LEAVE: feel the work toxins sliding off.

Some Stay & gave these rationales - Pearson & Porath, p. 166
To protect my own image No chance of improvement Too risky Cosmic Justice Company will deal with it Apathy towards offender Part of job requirement ‘Wrong Timing “I was confident in my abilities & judgment. I was cognizant of the impression my reaction would leave.” NO CHANCE: “He (the offender) is a high level exec. & everyone knows his behavior patterns. It has happened before & was not unexpected.” TOO RISKY: “I didn’t want to get fired.” COSMIC JUSTICE: “People like this eventually do themselves in, given time & space”. COMPANY: “We don’t get even in our organization. It’s well stated in our policy manual”. APATHY: “She’s not worth my time & effort. I feel complete & absolute disregard for the witch.” PART: “It is my job to work with him,. I will continue to do my job, I will, however, never work with him by myself.” WRONG: I will take action eventually, but for now I’m doing nothing,. I have not yet found the opportunity.”

Survival Strategies Some read the Bible, the Koran, Torah, or the writings of scholars & prophets Communicate with the offender via phone or rather than face-to-face Stay off committees or teams that include the offender Avoid meeting with the offender alone Reframe your own thinking Grow Choose to leave or stay Use humor The Analect of Confucius, The Art of Happiness by the Dalia Lama The Art of Possibility by Rosamund & Benjamin Zander, or The Dream Manager by Matthew Kelly Status Anxiety by Swiss philosopher Alain de Botton REFRAME: No chance of improvement, Apathy toward offender, She’s not worth my time & effort, etc. GROW: Nietzsche said “What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger”. Learn a new skill, etc. How to work with a jerk, can grow by reflecting how the incivility transpired, how it affected you, how you have drawn strength in its adversity, & how your experience of incivility has changed your thinking or behavior, Keep a + perspective. The Gift of Change by Marianne Williamson A New Earth by Eckkhart Tolle Leave: Emotional Intelligence & also Working with Emotional Intelligence both by Daniel Goleman The Resilience Factor by Karen Reivich & Andrew Shatte Composing a Life by Mary Catherine Bateson discusses the concept of achievement HUMOUR: One employee put on a red clown nose whenever the boss would start belittling her and commented that it must be hard for him to work with a clown like her, Everyone laughed & the bully boss stalked out of the room.

Humorous self help books
“How to Work for an Idiot: Survive & Thrive Without Killing Your Boss” by John Hoover “Dealing With Difficult People: How to Deal With Nasty Customers, Demanding Bosses, & Annoying Co-Workers” by Roberta Cava

Making a Graceful & Practical Exit
Take This Job & Shove It Consider your financial situation & try to time your exit accordingly Create a list of necessary expenditures & possible sources of temporary income Try not to leave abruptly without an exit plan, but if you have to go, then go Muster all your marketable skills Prior to your departure, polish your resume & reference letters This was popular song 3 decades ago. No exit drama, no tears, no undignified scenes. Just drop off the key, leave, and get yourself free. Robert Mueller suggests leaving with happiness and excitement about the future. Targets who display a “winning” victorious attitude as they leave annoy bullies to no end. It takes away their credit for supposedly conquering and disposing of their targets.

Job Checklist Determine your eligibility for SS benefits, VA benefits, unemployment payments, and Workers’ comp benefits Give notice to you employer, even if he or she is the bully When negotiating your exit, if your employer asks you to sign a nondisclosure agreement which contains an agreement not to file a lawsuit against him/her strongly consider this. In return, ask your boss to sign a “generic” letter of reference (that you wrote yourself, detailing your strengths)instead of giving you a nasty reference to future employers. Apply the quid pro quo strategy; both of you benefit & get what you want.

Exit Checklist Consult Credit counselor to consolidate your debts at a reduced payment You may need to obtain credit hours in your desired field through a college or technical Use up all your sick days & vacation time; go job hunting while you are away. Never discuss with a potential employer what you suffered

Exit Interview? Not useful to employee Do not share any info with HR
Do not sign anything Remain polite or better yet, skip the event In any large organization, the comments will go no where. Advice differs on how to handle. One author said exit interviews fascinate me like cockroaches do. Say good-by the right way and do not burn bridges. These interviews are to complete employee history. Mostly part of a standard HR legal procedure. This way they can avoid a potential discrepancy between termination and voluntary resignation should the Q arise in the future. Some “forward-thinking “ companies have adopted 360degree exit interviews. If going, jot dowen a few note show can you make the feedback constructive/not derogatory. Offer possible solutions, + tone, Will anything change? Remain calm , keep answers short & simple. Exit interviews are not compulsory, so if you attend one do so with grace & dignity. That sympathetic HR rep is a potential witness against you and her notes are “Exhibit A”. Only provides a chance to vent & potential risks are dramatic.

Target’s Survival Plan
Take control over events, even if you are the only person who knows you are in control. Shake off the bully’s power over you View yourself as a Workplace Warrior, not a victim Give ownership of the bully’s behavior to him, not to you This could back the bully off considerably or it can backfire if the bully resorts to more subtle, easily justifiable forms of bullying. Manager: May get manager’s attention. An indifferent, or culpable manager may decide it is in his company’s best interest to end the bullying. Hot: situations that seem to spark incidents of bullying,

Survival Strategies Namie & Namie’s positions: Sacrifice your health & sanity for a paycheck? It simply does not add up. Organizations can outgun, outlast, delay, lie, & distort the truth Mueller’s position: He who names a thing owns it. Workplace Warrior’s can call bullying by its name, face it down, & recapture their own power, shaking off the bully’s power

Other Positions Shapiro & Jankowski’s: There is an antidote for bullies. It is possible to beat them without joining them or becoming a weak pushover Sutton: Change your mindset about what is happening to you. Avoid self-blame. Develop indifference & emotional detachment toward the bully Shapiro & Jankowski’s book Bullies, Tyrants, and Impossible People” , They are civil rights attorneys. Recommend an entirely innovative approach to staying on the job with a workplace bully. Also can be used with mobbing. The N.I.C.E. system assists employees in coping with difficult people without becoming one of them. Helps Target maintain their civility & composure. They make it clear that using N.I.C.E. principles does not mean that targets should become passive; the system must be used by assertive targets, not “wimps”.

Cognitive Rehearsal & Cue Cards -Griffin 2004
Nonverbal Innuendo (raising eyebrows, etc) “I sense from you’re your facial expression that there may be something you wanted to say to me. It’s okay to speak to speak to me directly.” Verbal Affront (snide remarks, lack of openness) “The individuals I learn the most from are clearer in their directions and feedback.” Sabotage (deliberately setting up negative situation) “There is more to this situation than meets the eye. Could you and I meet in private and explore what happened?” Griffin ( 2004) did research with a controlled study without randomization. He taught cognitive rehearsal to newly graduated nurses. The nurses were educated on horizontal violence, rrole modeling, & rehearsal in an interactive session, then received due cards with a script and professional behaviors for each of 10 identified types of horizontal violence.The retention of newly registered nurses during this first year was 91% when the national average has been described between 40-60%. (APNA 2008 Position Paper on Workplace Violence)

Cue Cards for Responses
Undermining Activities ( unavailable, turning away) “When something happens that is ‘different’ or ‘contrary’ to what I understand, it leaves me with questions. Help me to understand how this situation may have happened.” Withholding information “It is my understanding that there was (is) more information available regarding the situation, and I believe if I had known that (more), it would (will) affect how I learn.”

Cue Cards for Responses Griffin (2004)
Infighting (bickering with peers) “Always avoid unprofessional discussions in nonprivate places. This is not the time or the place. Please stop (physically walk away or move to a neutral spot).” Scapegoating (attributing all that goes wrong to one individual) “I don’t think that is the right connection.” Backstabbing (complaining to others about someone instead of talking to him/her) “I don’t feel right talking about him/her/the situation when I wasn’t there or don’t know the facts. Have you spoken to him/her?”

Cue Cards for Responses -Griffin 2004
Failure to respect privacy “It bothers me to talk about this without his/her permission. I only overheard that. It shouldn’t be repeated.” Broken Confidences “Wasn’t that said in confidence? That sounds like information that should remain confidential. He/she asked be to keep that confidential.”

N.I.C.E. system It enables targets to know how to respond to bullies before a difficult encounter rather than reacting on impulse It assists targets in using new, effective, and non-defensive habits when dealing with a bullying situation It helps targets understand what they did correctly of ineffectively so they may learn from successes & failures without repeating them

N.I.C.E. N = Neutralize your emotions I = Identify your bully’s type
1. make situations difficult 2. believe being unreasonable is effective 3. have embedded personality characteristics or disorders C = Control the encounter E = Explore options C = Once you know your enemy’s type you can use effective techniques to determine outcome of the encounter E = You may still be at an impasse with the bully. One important option is ending the encounter without escalating the conflict. “If you give me this stupid letter of reprimand I’m calling my lawyer” is not a good way to de-escalate the situation, Save ultimatums for instances when the best deal is no deal at all. Always be in control of your emotions..Prime example is Ghandi

Sutton’s Tips for Surviving in a “Pro-Asshole” Organization
Millions of workers are trapped in organizations where the “pro-asshole” conditions apply, normally for financial reasons

Sutton’s Survival Tips
Avoid self blame Maintain emotional detachment from the bully’s abusive tirades Develop “learned optimism”. View the situation as temporary While hoping for the best, targets should expect the worst. Look for small victories rather than large-scale changes. Targets can use a variety of measures to limit their exposure to bullies. Temp: either the target or the bully will move on, up, or out. Expect the worst: This can be achieved if targets lower their expectations of the bully and workplace in general LOOK: If targets maintain the power to control small aspects of their workplace circumstances, this can have a big impact upon their well-being as well as reducing their sense of hopelessness & helplessness. Targets: Communicating via written memos & s.

Sutton’s Survival Tips
Limit exposure Communicate via written memos and s Remain standing rather than being seated when called into the bully’s office. Find & build some vital pockets of support at work among kind, decent people

Survival Tips Don’t tell me I’m wrong, don’t tell me that you know all along I won’t roll over dead; only I know what goes on in my head I’ve got nothing to hide; I’m not guilty inside I’m not going away! You try so hard to break me, But all your diamonds turn to sand.” “I’m Not Going Away” by O. Osbourne, Z. Wylde, & K. Churko

Survival Tips How to Hold Your Own When Holding Blamers Accountable -Sam Horn
Use as few words as possible Don’t Listen to reason – rational lies Appeal to a Bully’s need to save face, not to any sense of fairness Give them an out Succinct connotes confidence. Do not get drawn into defending your position. It is better to simply refuse over-the-top requests without justifying ourselves. Keep the responsibility in their court by saying “You’ll have to find someone else” DON’T LISTEN TO REASON: Bullies always have rationalizations for who they did what they did. Think what the word rationalize means: rational lies. It’s always someone elses fought. APPEAL: Trying TO point out that what he/she did is morally wrong = waste of time. The only thing that motivates a bully to change their behaviorism seeing that they will suffer in some way if they don’t stop. Bullies respond to negative consequences, Only when we reverse the risk-benefit ratio & they realize they are about to be penalized for their inappropriate actions will they choose to act differently. GIVE THEM: It’s smart to give them a way they can justify in their own minds that this was their decision to take responsibility & do things differently. Example of girl who was graduating from Georgetown and father came uninvited. “If you are here to help me celebrate, you are Use few words: Keep it Brief or they’ll give you grief. Do not offer long-winded explanations,. The more reasons you give for your decision, the more ammunition you give aggressive individuals to shoot down your answers. The more you hedge, the harder they’ll press. welcome to stay,. If you’re not, leave.” Give them 2 options which are both acceptable to you. Do this instead of an ultimatum .

Survival Strategies -Sam Horn
Act outside of their expectations Plan to be unpredictable Can you say unequivocal ”enough” Control the Conversation May interrupt….. Detach, Don’t debate UNEQUIVOCAL=definite, explicit, incontestable, unambiguous

Survival

Survival Tips Take Time to make your decision
Review the bullies rights/needs seesaw history Determine if saying no is what’s required to keep a balance of power If the other person tries to pressure you. Simply say “Fine, if you have to have an answer right now, it is no”. Then get away. REVIEW: Has this person consistently been over the top with demands and demeans? Think about whether you’ve been consistently giving up what you want & this person has not been getting almost all or what he or she wants.

Become a Verbal Samurai
Verbal Samurais (both male & female) do what they must to prevent people from unfairly pressuring them &/or putting them in psychological or physical danger Not loud or obnoxious, just clear & firm I am my own person & they insist on fair treatment Sumurais were highly trained sword fighters in Japan in the 1600s. They served & protected their masters. These warriors did not go out looking for fights; however, if someone was foolish enough to pick a fight with them, the samurias would use their superior strength & skill to emerge victorious. Opponents were hesitant to challenge them, because they knew in advance they stood little chance of winning. When a samuria’s master died, he was sometimes set free to “do ronin”, to embark upon a spiritual quest for personal development, Some samurai found it difficult to operate autonomously because they were so accustomed to answering to someone higher than themselves. Over time they learned to become their own master & achieved the distinction of becoming a ronin samurai. Have you become accustomed to answering to someone more contentious than yourself. Our goal, like that of a ronin samurai, is to become autonomous instead of allowing others to lord over us. “No one has the right to insult me, & I am not going to allow it.” I am going to speak up & let her know this is not okay.” I’m going to hold her accountable so she doesn’t do this again.” “Cut it out. Keep those kinds of remarks to yourself.” “Speak to me with respect from now on.”

Strong Statements “ I know I can handle him/her without causing a scene” “Bob, keep you hands to yourself or you’ll have to explain this to the CEO.” “Paul, did you have some helpful suggestions?” Walking toward the bully, “What recommendations do you have?”

Strong Statements Instead of automatically saying yes to “keep the peace” “I want to take a few minutes to think this over” “My mind is made up” or “This is non-negotiable” “Ted, don’t even start with me” “Let me get my pen, Do you want to repeat that for the record” You don’t have to be mean, just mean what you say. Become clear that you want “No” power instead of no power.

Strong Statements “Calling me names is inexcusable.”
“John, do you remember we agreed not to snipe at each other in public?” John, I don’t let anyone verbally abuse me.” Claim mea culpa “Perhaps I didn’t make it clear how I feel about this.” Things are different from now on “Don’t do this again.” Mea culpa = Latin for ‘my fault’. Jane(daughter) was bullying her mother (Lisa). This went on for a long period of time. The therapist help Lisa write up “House Rules”. Lisa announced they would have a meeting and that it was her fault for allowing things to get out of hand, but that from now on things would be different.

Strong Statements “The next time you want to criticize dinner, you can make it yourself” “Next time you want to criticize dinner, you can help make it” “Did you have a terrible day & your taking it out on me?” “If your trying to make me feel bad, it’s not going to work”

Strong Statements “Jill, back up and give me some room here”
No, Jill, you’ll have to get that loan from someone else” Jill, you are not getting any more money” I’d rather you not do that” “Please keep your hands to yourself”

Strong Statements “This is unacceptable”
“Excuse me? Are you talking to me?” Putting shoulders back & looking him in the eye “And what did you like about that project?” “One more word and you’ll force me to report you” “What you’re trying to do won’t work” EXCUSE: This has become a catch phrase. It means “I heard what you said. You disrespected me. I didn’t like it! So don’t even think of talking to me like that again.”

Strong Statements “Don’t to that again”
“No one has the right to insult me, & I am not going to allow it” “Speak to me with respect from now on”

Do The You Continue to use “I replies” when dealing with people who have a conscience Use “You” to keep the attention on the bully’s inappropriate conduct “Keep your comments to yourself” Rather than “I don’t like it when you…….” Examples “I want you to stop bothering me”. Vs. “You need to back off” “I’ve had enough” “You have gone to far “I don’t appreciate having to wait” “You need to apologize for being late” “I don’t think that’s very nice “Clean up your act.” “I don’t likle to be called names” “Your calling me names isn’t going to change my mind” “ I’m uncomfortable with being rushed” “You’ll get my answer in the AM” “ Keep those kinds of comments to yourself”

Offensive Behavior that goes unchallenged gets repeated
“Keep those kinds of thoughts to yourself” “You might want to reconsider that. It doesn’t reflect well on you” “You can’t mean that” “Do you want to repeat that?” (said with incredulously with raised eyebrows) “I’m sure I didn’t hear that right. Do you want to replace that? “Don’t say stuff like that when you’re with me” “Use different language. That is unacceptable” “What makes you think I want to listen to that?”

Realize Clarity Rules by Sam Horn
CLARITY is the KEY to having the confidence to confront bullies Believe in your bill of rights I have clarity that my definition of a healthy relationship is one in which I have the freedom to think & act for myself I have clarity that I choose to believe the best of people, and I give them the benefit of the doubt until they prove me wrong Your Bill of Rights: Imprint the Clarity Rules in your mind. Believe them in you gut, Post them where you can see them throughout the day, Carry a copy in your wallet.

Clarity Rules I have clarity that I will seek win-win resolutions until someone tries to take advantage of my good nature I have clarity that it is my responsibility to speak up if someone crosses the line of common decency I have clarity that suffering in silence perpetuates the problem I have clarity that I will speak up if someone tries to intimidate me I have clarity that I will walk tall so bullies won’t perceive I’m weak

Clarity Rules I have clarity that I will ask myself, “What’s my culpability?” so that I do not unwittingly contribute to or perpetuate a bully’s mistreatment of me I have clarity that I will set & state limits in advance so people know my boundaries & ethical threshold I have clarity that I will no longer “keep the peace” at any price I have clarity that I want to serve as a role model for my loved ones that we do not passively endure someone verbally abusing us

Clarity Rules I have clarity that I will not volunteer to be a victim, and I will remove myself from a relationship in which someone is trying to control or own me I have clarity that words can hurt and haunt. I will not demean others and I will not allow anyone to demean me or a loved one I have clarity that life is a blessing, not a burden, and I will not allow bullies to undermine my sanity or that of my loved ones

Clarity Rules I have clarity that I am responsible for my physical amd mental health, & I take appropriate action to improve unsafe situations I have clarity that I do not give myself up and I do not give up on myself I have clarity that I will be kind & compassionate until someone tries to take advantage of my good nature We must take responsibility for ending a dominant/doormat situation or it will continue.

Survival Tips by Sam Horn
“Drop it , we’re not going there” Hold them accountable “Janice, take responsibility for your own actions” Don’t listen to whines “Wait just a minute, Don’t say something you’ll regret” Appeal to their need to save face. “Review the checks before you start laying blame” Act unpredictably “Look me in the eyes and apologize RIGHT NOW!” Cut into the monologue “Enough! It’s my turn to talk”

Survival Tips by Sam Horn
Detach - do not debate “You’re not going to draw me into this” “You’re entitled to your opinion” “It’s too bad you see it that way” “That’s your opinion” Bully the Bully- it is right to be strong when someone is (persistently) in the wrong The Bully tries to use shame & blame. i.e. “You blew it. You should have started weeks ago. “You’re such a slob. You should take better care of yourself”. “You never gave me a chance, You already had selected someone for this job”. BULLY: aggression is occasionally appropriate, and sometimes is exactly what the situation requires.

“When injuries result from the worksite exposure to chemical substances, the offending institutions are compelled to introduce remedies. When the injuries originate from toxic human behavior, no less should occur.” Harvey Hornstein Brutal Bosses & Their Prey

Serenity Prayer “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” - St. Francis of Assisi

Cyber-Bullying Prevention Tips
Keep your personal details safe Don’t choose nicknames that have your full name or age Waste time in places online where bullies will target you If someone you don’t know begins to talk to you ignore them. Click out & block the user Don’t reply: Perpetrator is waiting for a response. They may resend. But if no response, they will most likely give up.

Cyber-Bullying Prevention Tips
Try not to use obvious choices such as pets or partner’s names or your date of birth. Try to mix all of your passwords up. Only add people you know to your networking files Change passwords regularly Don’t reply to cyber bullies

On-Line Safety Never give out passwords, PINS, etc
Keep personal info, to yourself Don’t delete messages from a cyber bully. You may decide to report online harassment to local police Do not meet people you’ve met online in person Don’t delete: If you delete it, you can’t track it.

What is Corporate/Institutional Bullying?
Corporate/institutional bullying occurs when bullying is entrenched in an organization and becomes accepted as part of the workplace culture

Corporate/institutional bullying can manifest itself as:
Placing unreasonable expectations on employees, where failure to meet those expectations means making life unpleasant (or dismissing) anyone who objects Dismissing employees suffering from stress as “weak” while completely ignoring or denying potential work-related causes of the stress.

Corporate/Institutional Bullying can manifest itself as:
Encouraging employees to fabricate complaints about colleagues with promises of promotion or threats of discipline

Signs of Corporate/Institutional Bullying
Failure to meet organizational goals Increased frequencies of grievances, resignations, and requests for transfers Increased absence due to sickness Increased disciplinary action

Surviving the Effects of Bullying
Forgiving Humor Attend a No Bully for Me support group or start one Grieving DABDA To heal from Shame Namie Humor: is important, but will not penetrate severe versions of the denial, anger, bargaining or depressive stages. Also response to humor is also a surprisingly accurate tool for diagnosing where people are in their response to the bullying experience Website by Dr. Joel Goodman & Margie Ingram, directors of the Humor Project in Saratoga Springs, NY. They believe humor is supposed to be amusing instead of abusing. They have seminars, books & videos that all prove Robin William’s philosophy that humor is “acting out optimism”. They teach how to laugh with each other rather than at each other. Also by researching & acquiring a repertoire of wisecracks in advance, you never again need worry about being tongue-tied when someone is trying to have fun at your expense. Grieving: use Kubler Ross model of grieving for assessing responses to workplace bullying. DABDA: denial, anger, bargaining, depression & acceptance are the stages of the cycle. SHAME: Hurtful messages need to be challenged. “That’s not about me! It’s not about my worth or identity. It hurt me & caused pain in my life, but it’s not about me. Shame is not my identity, I am a good & worthy person. “ Talk to others you trust, the more you acknowledge that the bullying isn’t really about you, the closer you will be to leaving the bullying behind.

Surviving the Effects of Bullying -R.H. Lubit
Developing emotional intelligence self-awareness self-management Social awareness relationship management R.H. Lubit is the author of “Coping with Toxic Manager, Subordinates…& Other Difficult People.” SELF-Awareness: includes awareness of your emotions & their impact Also awareness of your strengths & weaknesses SELF-MANAGEMENT: includes emotional self-control adaptability integrity, honesty, trustworthiness drive to grow & achieve ( achievement oriented, continuous learner, willing to take initiative, optimistic SOCIAL COMPETENCE: includes social awareness (Empathy & insight, understanding others’ perspectives & feelings, appreciation of others’ strengths & weaknesses & political awareness. relationship management ( respect for others, conflict management skills, collaborative approach sense of humor, persuasive ( visionary, diplomatic), & ability to leverage diversity) This framework helps us deal with our own feelings, helps us separate the Past from the Present, helps us control our attitude

Skills to make one bully proof -Lubit, p. 338
Respect for other people’s feelings Hope Bravery Self-Control Self motivation Anger Management SELF-CONTROL: Research on emotional intelligence has shown that the area in which CEO’s excel far beyond others is in having very high levels of self-control. This is the key to coming across as a professional, to gaining others’ confidence, to developing a degree of charisma, & to avoid self-sabotoge. Lubit, p. 338

Forgiveness To Go on with Your Life
Forgiving a Bully Hurt, anger & pain can last a long time Pain leads to other problems Forgiveness does not mean forgetting the past It is just saying that you are no longer going to let feelings created by something that happened in the past ruin your present & your future. Forgiveness is about doing something good for yourself.

Building & Sustaining Healthy Work Environments
A Collaborative practice culture A communication rich culture A culture of accountability Adequate number of employees Presence of expert, competent, credible, visible leadership Need paradigm shift from a more traditional command-and-control style of staff supervision toward a transformational style of leadership in which leaders enhance the motivation, morale, & performance of their follower groups. The positive relationship between this type of transformational leadership & satisfaction by staff is supported by research. Goal is to build a culture of engagement. Nursing. ANCC = Am. Nurses Credentialing Center Magnet Recognition Program. = gold standard for hospitals, Magnet status hospitals. 5 major compenents: transformational leadership, structural empowerment, exemplary professional nursing practice, nee knowledge, innovations, & improvements, and empirical quality outcomes, AS of July 2009, there were 340 ANCC-designated Magnet hospitals and another 199 hospitals were in the application process.

Building & Sustaining Healthy Work Environments
Shared decision making at all levels The encouragement of professional practice & continued growth/development Leadership must be available Recognition of employees value Create a culture of a “Just Culture” with regard to unacceptable behavior “A Just Culture” looks at the system or organization and holds the individual responsible as well for errors, and unacceptable behavior. Concept originated in the airline industry and now has been adopted by the health care industry in some states. It emphasizes coaching and is a non-punitive approach, non-blaming approach unless there is negligent conduct, reckless conduct, and intentional willful violations by individuals,.

Building & Sustaining Healthy Workplaces
Developing leadership skills of managers Center for Creative Leadership’s 360 Degree Evaluation Myers-Brigg Type Indicator Kouzes & Posner’s Leadership Practices Inventory Thomas-Kilman Conflict Mode Instrument Use of self-assessment instruments and 360 degree evaluations can be powerful tools to help managers develop insight into themselves and help their interactions with others. Examples of assessment tools used in leadership training includes

Use of coaching/mentoring Leadership is both an art & a science Mission statement that includes organizational objectives & how employees are treated Vision & values statements align all employees Clear reporting levels Job descriptions defined with duties & responsibilities Discuss concerns of bullying at staff meetings LEADERSHIP: The art of leadership involves managing relationships with others and influencing their behaviors, Casey Stengel, the beloved manager of many major league baseball teams, noted that “finding good players is easy, Getting them to play as a team is another story”. The same could be said of teams in healthcare, guiding team members to get past their day-to-day problems, conflicts and communication issues & more toward a goal of working as a high performance work team is a significant leadership challenge for emerging leaders. Yet the need to do this is critical in environments where team synergy & interdependence are required for high quality pt. care. Developing trust that is needed on teams begins with communication. Emerging leaders must be taught that relationships live within the context of the team members in that they get past their day to day problems, conflicts, and communication issues & more toward a goal of working as a high performance work team is a significant leadership challenge for emerging leaders. There is a need to do this in healthcare environments where team synergy & interdependence are required for high quality & safe patient care, Developing the trust that is needed on teams begins with communication, Emerging leaders must be taught that relationships live within the context of conversations that individuals have, or don’t have, with one another, Excellent communication is a fundamental skill needed to effectively lead others. With novice leaders, structured techniques can help promote better team relations by providing them with a shared simple set of words that describe critical communication behaviors, TeamSTEPPS is an evidence-based teamwork system aimed at optimizing patient outcomes by improving communication & teamwork skills among healthcare professionals, Tools in the model include the Two-Challenge, Call-Outs, and Check-Backs ( AHRQ)

Personnel policies: comprehensive, consistent, legal, simple expected behaviors & standards of ethics Disciplinary issues: dealt with consistently, fairly, & expeditiously A Culture of “paying it forward” –praising colleagues, valuing each other & the work of others Valuing colleagues from various generations

Creating a Caring & Nourishing Environment
Employees buy into goals & objectives of the organization Training & staff development are highly valued Communication is open, honest, effective, & openly Participation, teamwork, creativity, decision making, trust, empowerment are valued Conflict resolution/mediation exist EAP programs (??) Anti-Mobbing Policy Mobbing by Davenport, et al, p. 144 Levi Strauss & Co. has an exemplary philosophy. With Teamwork & Trust, Diversity, Recognition, Ethical Management Practices, clear communication, aspiration policy, Also code of conduct for its network of subcontractors around the globe Conflict Resolution: Namie & Namie give a word of caution. There remains a belief that if only effective conflict resolution strategies are used by employees & managers, that workplace warfare would be non-existent. Nothing is further from the truth. Workplace warfare is fundamentally different from ordinary workplace conflicts. It is rooted in the need for dominance over others. Usual rules of communication do not work. The person being targeted does not want to be in the relationship at all, just wants the attacks to stop. The bully’s goal is not to reach a mutually satisfying resolution. Conflict resolution requires trust & a mutual agreement to try to work things out. Also one conflict resolution style does not fit all.

Implementation of a No Asshole Rule by Sutton
Clearly define the prohibited behavior Make the rules public Require every employee to read & sign the rule Ensure new employees know & understand the rule & the consequences of breaking it Weave the rule into hiring & firing policies Apply the rule to customers & clients Spell out what behavior constitutes being an asshole including bullying. RULES PUBLIC: Every employee should have written notice of the rule & also attend a mandatory briefing about the rule. Make it clear that assholes cannot hide from the impact of the rule. Sample Policy Forbidding Psychological Harassment in the Workplace (Spindel, P. Psychological Warfare at Work, p. 161). Sample Employee Code of Conduct, Spindel,P. p. 167 Hiring: Before hiring new staff members, introduce them to the people they will be working for, working with, or supervising. Seek feedback from these employees before signing on a new staff member. Clients: It is not good business to allow employees to be bullied & abused by anyone.

Beware of differences in status or power among employees Focus on conversations & interactions Teach people how to fight assholes Be slow to “brand” people Prevent assholes from hiring other assholes Get rid of assholes fast Treat assholes as incompetent Remember that power breeds nastiness Beware: Assholes in charge are dangerous; they are aware of their power and they know how to abuse it by bullying. Focus: Pay attention to what is said & done in every work situation. Do not disregard grievances & complaints filed by Targets. Teach: Encourage them to use internal grievance procedures if they feel they are being mistreated. Make them aware that they do have options & remedies that will be taken seriously by upper-level management. Brand: Too many targets are dismissed as “disgruntled employees” to protect the organization’s integrity. Yet, it is a distinct violation of an asshole’s bullying target to be branded as mentally unstable or seeking a civil court settlement. Upper-level managers must hear & determine for themselves the target’s credibility instead of automatically adopting the bully’s point of view of the target. Get rid of…: often organizations wait too long to relieve themselves of assholes.

Embrace the power-performance paradox Manage moments, not just practices, policies, & systems Teach & model constructive confrontation Adopt the “one asshole rule”. Link big policies to small decencies. A workplace-wide no asshole rule works best when the rule effects how people talk & work together. Embrace: Organizations have pecking orders; this does not mean that those with power can abuse those without. MANAGE MOMENTS: Upper-level managers who focus on the “small” things like human interactions will then find that big changes occur. Teach: There is a time & a place for arguing; individuals can disagree without becoming disagreeable. All confrontations should be respectful of the dignity of both parties. Adopt: Employees follow rules better if they have a visible example of what constitutes being an asshole. As long as they do not do any real damage, employees learn the rights & wrongs of interactions. Link: Negative interactions have 5 times the effect on mood than + interactions. Push the “delete” key on bullying assholes.

Systems of interventions
Biannual performance reviews Performance Improvement Counseling Use Risk Assessment Instrument Heacox & Sorenson ( 2006) Any criminal act should be reported to the police If no improvement, disciplinary action or discharge Have protocols for investigation Have graduated sanctions & steps in Progressive discipline Risk Assessment: Heacox & Sorenson ( 2006) have a tool to rate bullying behavior as Low/Moderate/high Counseling: Can use coaching in cases where bullying is less extreme. This should include clearly articulated goals for behavioral change, along with required outcomes by a target date. This could be outlined in an “employment-contingent change contract”. Contracts are unlikely to succeed with personality disorders, psychopathic, thrill seeking, or narcissistic bullies.

Setting the Precedents
1998 Court decisions made employers responsible for harassment & discrimination by employees who were acting as agents of the employer Courts are increasingly finding discriminatory harassment does not need to be

Legally Speaking There may be tort laws that apply, e.g. intentional infliction of emotional distress, constructive discharge, defamation, wrongful termination, breach of contract, reckless indifference, employer negligence. Consult an attorney Burlington Industries v. Ellerth & Faragher v. City of Boca Raton Mar first bullying trial resulted in a $325,000 verdict against a bullying Indianapolis surgeon

Setting the Precedents
Aug Jury awarded $366 million to a physician bullied by abuse of the peer review process Feb Teacher received settlement of $500,000 in a defamation lawsuit filed against the school district The tide is turning, & movements to eliminate or legally punish forms of workplace bullying.

Legally Speaking -M. Kohut
Employees who are mistreated in the workplace have no legal recourse that specifically addresses bullying unless the target has the “protected status” of being discriminated against due to gender, nationality, race, religion, age, or those specifics covered by the American With Disabilities Act of 1990, Age Discrimination in Employment Act of 1967, or Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964 M. Kohut is a MSw , & author of The Complete Guide to Understanding, controlling & Stopping Bullies & Bullying at Work, p. 229 Chapter on Legal language is excellent. ADEA ( Age Discrimination in Employment Act) protects individuals age 40 or over from employment discrimination based on age. Applies to employers, including state & local govt. with 20 or more employees. Also applies to employment agencies, to labor organizations, & to fed. Govt.

Wrongful Termination Thompson v. Tracor Flight Systems
HR manager was victim of “yelling & screaming”. She feared for her safety& later resigned claiming constructive discharge. Court ruled the working conditions were “unusually aggravated” and amounted to a continuous pattern deemed intolerable & which the employer refused to correct or mitigate. Awarded $600,000 based on wrongful termination This case highlights the view of an increasing number of courts that all employees are entitled to a reasonable workplace, free of harassment & negative treatment.

Voluntary Resignation or Constructive Discharge
“Constructive discharge” occurs when an employer intentionally renders working conditions so intolerable that an employee is essentially forced to leave the employment…The working conditions are deemed intolerable if a reasonable employee would find them to be so. -Davenport, Schwartz, & Elliott, p. 176 To have a good cause for your defense, you must have “resigned” but be able to demonstrate that you were, in fact, “constructively discharged”.

Retaliation Can claim retaliation if subjected to hostile behavior, demotion, discipline, salary reduction, a negative evaluation, a change in job assignment, or change in shift assignment Refers to any adverse action that your employer takes against you because you complained about harassment, discrimination, or some other violation of a work-related law, or if you are fired because you blew the whistle on an illegal activity or participated in an investigation of such an activity.

Torts Tort = wrongful acts resulting in injury to another’s person, property, or reputation for which the injured party is entitled to seek redress Intentional infliction of Emotional Distress Defamation—libel/slander statements DEFAMATION: includes dissemination of false info. To a 3rd party, usually other employees, clients, or customers, or prospective employers, which injures the person’s reputation & questions his or her skills. Written = libel, oral = slander.

The At-Will Doctrine Most states are employment at-will states
The employer’s right to terminate an employee at will Is over 100 yrs. Old Recent court decisions “Unless an employment contract expressly specifies term of employment, an employer may discharge an employee for a good cause, a bad cause, or no cause at all, that is not contrary to law

Wrongful Discharge in Violation of Public Policy
Is an exception to at-will employment Prohibits two kinds of termination Abusive termination Retaliatory Discharge Abusive discharge = is motivated by employer’s animus (hostility, strong hatred) towards the employee because of employee’s status or knowledge. A court ruled abusive discharge where the employee’s termination “was motivated solely by the employer’s desire…to conceal improprieties & illegal activities which the plaintiff might have disclosed.” Another case the employer’s motivation was the employee’s status—race, color, religion, marital status, etc. RETALITORY DISCHARGE: motivated by employee’s conduct. The employee is discharged because: he refused to commit an illegal act, such as perjury performed a public duty or obligation, such as serving on a jury exercised a legal right or privilege,i.e. fining a worker’s compensation claim reported the misconduct of an employer or co-employee “whistle-blowing”

Mental-Mental Injury Nontraumatic mental injuries
1996 Francis Dunlavey case Dunlavey was awarded a workers’ compensation claim by the Iowa Supreme Court for a mental-mental injury. All the physicians giving an opinion agreed that the claimant’s work environment was the major cause of his depression.

Legally Speaking 1999 Meritor Savings Bank v. Vinson
found unequal treatment of an employee that occurred only because of gender or other protected characteristic could “if sufficiently severe or pervasive” constitute a hostile environment in violation of federal law.

MOBBING Is verbal or physical conduct that over a period of time, continuously & systematically: 1. intimidates, shows hostility, threatens, & offends any co-worker 2. interferes with a co-worker’s performance 3. otherwise adversely affects a co-worker Includes threatening, intimidating or hostile acts, generally abrasive behavior, using obscene, or threatening language or gestures, discrediting a co-worker, slander, withholding information vital to co-workers job performance.

Mobbing Civil Rights Act of may be under “protected Status”. Possibly age discrimination File a claim with state Civil Rights Commission & Federal Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC)

MOBBING Seek legal counsel Follow time frames No laws against mobbing
Presently, the time limits for bringing discrimination claims are very short, 6 mo. Or 180 days after the last act of harassment or discrimination. IF YOU MISS THE DEADLINE EVEN BY ONE DAY, YOUR CLAIM IS DISMISSED. Presently dealt with under a number of different legal arguments, Some companies have anti-mobbing policies, especially well used in Sweden. Sample in Mobbing, Emotional Abuse in the American Workplace by Davenport, Schwartz, & Elliott, p

The Purpose of our existence is to help other human beings
The Purpose of our existence is to help other human beings. If we cannot do that, the least we can do is not to hurt them. -The Dalai Lama

Incivility The exchange of seemingly inconsequential inconsiderate words & deeds that violate conventional norms of workplace conduct Incivility can be very subtle or much more blatant

Workplace Incivility Taking credit for others’ efforts
Passing blame for our own mistakes Checking or texting during a meeting Sending bad news through so we don’t have to face the recipient Talking down to others Not listening

Workplace Incivility Spreading rumors about colleagues
Setting others up for failure Not saying “please” or “thank you” Showing up late or leaving a meeting early with no explanation Belittling others’ efforts Leaving snippy voice mail messages

Workplace Incivility -Pearson & Porath
Forwarding others’ to make them look bad Making demeaning or derogatory remarks to someone Withholding information Failing to return phone calls or respond to Leaving a mess for others to clean up

Workplace Incivility -Pearson & Porath
Shutting someone out of a network or team Paying little attention or showing little interest in other’s opinions Acting irritated when someone asks for a favor Avoiding someone Throwing Temper tantrums

Incivility 60% occurs top down, often as part of a power play
Upwardly aimed incivility is covert; men & women are equally likely to be treated uncivilly Offenders tend to be older & more experienced than Targets Incivility is pervasive & growing Recommend use of a incivility cost worksheet to calculate. Pearson & Porath, p. 35.

Incivility 50% or more report it is not unusual to see their coworkers treated badly Incivility is very costly to organizations People who work in uncivil environments are proved to be less helpful, less courteous, less creative, less cognitively able.

Incivility In Academia -Heinrich 2006
Setting up a colleague for embarrassment or failure Distortion of a person’s potential into a deficit Deceiving the faculty member through misrepresentations & lying Shaming a colleague through either actions or words Using covert tactics to betray the colleague Heinrich collected “informal” data from 261 nurse educators at the 2005 National League for Nursing Summit, asking them to write their experience of being “disrespected, devalued or dismissed”. The author grouped responses into 10 major categories of “joy-stealing games”.

Incivility In Academia -Heinrich 2006
Not honoring personal boundaries or violating the person’s space Separating according to prejudices Using win-lose mandating Blaming someone for his/her shortcomings Silencing by exclusion

Promoting Civility in Academia
Identify uncivil behaviors & the bullies Deal with it openly & systematically Make a risk assessment to determine degree Gather support Education of uncivil behavior Have clear policies & guidelines in faculty handbooks Exists for a number of reasons: prevailing assumptions, newly adopted corporate values, & unwitting personnel. Over time, such behaviors become accepted as necessary to accomplish tasks or for senior faculty to increase their power or move up the administrative ladder. Bully behaviors become institutionalized within the culture, strengthen it negatively, and are transmitted to the next generation of faculty. We know what factors contribute to a toxic environment ( few opportunities for promotion or advancement, low wages, heavy workloads, authoritarian , favoritism,, etc) IDENTIFY:Avoid passing uncivil behaviors off as academic freedom, autonomy, shared governance, idiosyncrasies, or ego. EDUCATE: its consequences to the workforce & how it evolves into a bully culture. Faculty can learn civil behavior. Have awareness workshop.

Bullying of Academics follows a pattern
Horrendus, orwellian elimination rituals, often hidden from the public Chairs bullying junior faculty Deans bullying tenured faculty Professors bullying students Students bullying a professor The clear lesson is that people who are bullied need to leave those jobs in order to preserve whatever’s left of their health & sanity, Sadly, historian is familiar with women bullying women-it was considered not a bug, but rather a feature of her former dept. The bullying women were “useful idiots” who could be relied on to police junior women. The senior men could then hide behind their skirts & deny that gender bias was an issue.

Introduce civil behaviors in grad school Assess the extent & types of policies written on workplace harassment Action Research principles are recommended Analysis of workplace harassment policies Cultural Audit by an outside consultant ASSESS: as a separate entity from sexual harassment. ACTION: fix one area at a time rather than conducting national studies. Recommend chronicling number of aggressive instances reported & responses. ANALYSIS: look at the intent & extent of the policies, & how they are used. CULTURAL AUDIT: have faculty chronicle their perceptions of their academic culture – their goals & barriers to those goals. Also how colleagues regard each other & are supportive of others’ goals ( Aquirre, 2000).

Recommendations for Research
Development of consensus-based definitions Identify which techniques help contain bullying individuals with the greatest degree of effectiveness Any collegiate-level nursing faculty who have experienced bullying should contact Diane

Grievance procedures should be in place & workable Sanctions Redress Recommend counseling & mediation for victims & perpetrators Use of local chapter of the Am. Assoc of University Professors Document everything GRIEVANCE: do existing grievance committees have the jurisdiction to hear cases regarding workplace harassment. If administrators can overrule committee recommendations , they diminish the spirit & power of the bully SANCTIONS: A lighter sanction may send the same message as no sanction; that is workplace harassment is normative, & even acceptable because the response to it is not harsh, Harsh sanctions may deter victims from identifying bullies for fear of retaliation, Redress: May ask perpetrators to attend sensitization seminars, curtain their activity on committees or procure a formal apology to the victim. Perhaps the best form of redress comes from public disclosure of the bullying so everyone realizes who the perpetrator is Twale & Luca in Faculty Incivility suggest that the victim apply the investigative & analytical skills used in the dissertation & subsequent research studies to this dilemma. They encourage victims to also document not only what is visible but also body language, Suggest they then analyze & share info with a close friend or valued colleague. Then inform an administrator or confront the bully or mob. If there is a need to confront to fulfill legal protocol, the victim should be prepared to do that ( Klein, 2005; Westhues, 2005) found in Twale & Luca. Confrontation should be written rather than verbal in order to support the paper trail, Victims owe it to themselves to not be labeled as victims anymore.

Promoting Civility for Students in Academia -Clark, C. & Cardoni
Address with students during orientation& have regular training sessions Basic = everyone is responsible for their behavior Faculty need to create a safe forum for students to express their concerns Have students co-create class norms Conduct student forums which include faculty Basic: & everyone refuses to perpetuate the cycle, no matter how rude others are, CLASS NORMS : work on classroom & clinical norms of behavior based on the vision & mission of the university, i.e. assume good will, listen carefully, respect one another, communicate respectfully, use computers in class for class-related content only, keep all cell phones on vibrate, make every effort to minimize distractions & have fun. Be on time for class, avoid side conversations, greeting one another, listen with intention, sharing positive comments, engaging meaningful dialogue, treating one another with dignity, CONDUCT: Students can develop action plans to prevent & address incivility. “What Students can do to promote civility “, Reflections on Nursing Leadership

Promoting Civility in Students
Educate students about horizontal violence, how to identify it & deal with it Mentor students, building self-esteem & self worth, communication skills

Cultivating a Civil Workplace
Small steps taken consistently & relentlessly create & sustain a civil workplace Cisco Systems Starbucks Davita Inc Microsoft O’Melveny & Myers, LLP Last is a successful international law firm

Creating & Sustaining Civility
Set a zero-Tolerance Expectations Look in the Mirror Weed out trouble before it enters your organization Teach Civility Train employees & Managers how to Recognize & Respond to Signals Put your ear to the ground & listen carefully Managers & Executives must strive to live by them. 3. In Jim Collins book Good to Great he urges all to get the right people on the but and the wrong people off it. Remember the incredible story of Michael Swango, He was able to get into medical school, numerous medical residencies, etc,., despite a trail of incarcerations for poisoning people. Background checks are rarely done. He killed at least 35 people in the US and Africa. 4. Civility is best learned experientially. Much $ companies spend on managerial training does little good. People go to a workshop or training sessions, learn a set of skills, use them for a few weeks, then rapidly slide back into old behaviors. Roy Lubit would say managers need emotional intelligence (the ability to understand different types of people-what they want, what they fear, how they perceive the world, & how they are likely to perceive new ideas & what is said to them). Teach conflict resolution, stress management, dealing with difficult people, negotiation. Training in coaching. Include practice scenarios that focus on employees who have experienced or witnessed incivility. Evaluate civility on performance evaluations. PUT: Toxic behaviors can be subtle & insidious. Toxic people are adept at masking the toxicity when it is to their advantage. They may act differently when power differentials are present, Hammer it: Example of Disneyland employees Take…..Gather data quickly, sort out the fact, and take action swiftly, as warranted. Some toxic individuals are successful in their jobs, but not successful when they are evaluated against their paths of destruction. Instigators: “That’s just how Daryl is”. “I don’t like to get involved in employees’ personal matters”. “I’m not going to waste my time on trivial matters”. “Daryl doesn’t really mean any harm, That’s just him”.

Creating & Sustaining Civility
When incivility occurs, Hammer it Take complaints seriously Don’t make excuses for powerful Instigators Invest in Post departure Interviews Create a work environment that facilitates & supports collegiality & effective communication & IPR

Creating & Sustaining a Civil Environment
Do background checks before interviews When interviewing, let candidates know how important mutual respect is in your organization Use Behavioral Event Interviewing. a time when things went well & a time when they did not Check for burnout Background: In a book entitled Workplace Hostility: Myth & Reality by Gerald Lewis & Nancy Zare (1999) recommend employers contract with outside job-screening agencies who will conduct a preemployment screening. Can be utilized to screen workers at any level. These agencies will often utilize psychologists who are able to conduct more in-depth interviews and who will administer psychological tests. They also can conduct more detailed depth background checks including driving, military credit, work, & criminal records. Two other companies successful in this are Costco and the Four Seasons Luxury Hotels. Ask them to sign a ROI to check their academic & professional qualifications. BEHAVIORAL: Behavioral Interviewing Techniques, Performance based Interviewing. Traditional interview question asks candidate what they might do on the job. That can give insight into candidates thought processes & approach in different situations but is not highly predictive of what the candidate would really do? BIT was developed by industrial psychologist in the 70’s. “Tell me about a situation you faced where a pt. made a demand on you and you couldn’t meet it. How did you handle the situation and what was the outcome?” “Tell us about one of your demanding customers what makes them demanding?”How do you manage the relationship effectively?”Follow-up questions, “What did you learn from the situation?” Pay attention to what they thought the key success & failure factors were. Do they keep all credit for themselves or share it with others? Do they go on & on about how extraordinary they were? Do they pride themselves on having manipulated or used others? Do they note mistakes they made, or do they blame others for all the mistakes? Also ask applicants to describe situations in which they demonstrated the various skills crucial to the job, i.e. in which they demonstrated leadership & teamwork, developed others, dealt with problems in subordinates’ behaviors. Do they look on others with respect? Are they excessively self-congratulatory? Burnout: is characterized by irritability, aggression, physical & mental exhaustion, callousness, powerlessness, cynicism, problems in work relationships, falling off of work performance, Also provide some type of negative feedback during the interview to gauge the applicant’s reaction to criticism. Also ask questions that require innovation & the ability to think creatively. Team: Examine “team fit” through real life exercises with individuals with whom the applicant is likely to be working, Check: Check professional references & ask about their claimed accomplishments. The more that is invested at the front end, the better. Always ask a person why they are leaving or why they have left their current position. Ask how they reacted to any tough or abusive managers they have observed, How did they cope? Present ethical dilemmas & ask what they would do. Get specifics about the applicant’s experience & academic qualifications. Check out their credibility by asking her/him who can confirm or may have more direct knowledge of their stated accomplishments. Ask Questions to test the individual’s deductive reasoning ability ( the ability to apply recognized facts to new situations to reach a conclusion, or the ability to use logic in thinking through a problem. Provide a test of written communication. Ask “how, what, which, when, & who” questions to solicit details. Ask a question that explores a differing viewpoint, i.e. “Tell me about a time you disagreed with a colleague. Use “compare & contrast” Tell us about a time you feel that you performed well & contrast that with a time you feel that you did not, & discuss a the differences between the two. CPI= California Psychiatric Inventory, also paper & pencil tests, present honesty & narcissism as they are impt. to the workplace. Psychological testing, & particularly personality testing remains quite controversial except in day care & police settings. The company administering the tests would have the burden of proof in justifying that the testing was job-related. ADA (Americans with Disabilities) bars the use of any medical test or asking about alcohol, drug use, or past psychiatric problems until after a job offer has been made.

Talk to people who have worked with the person Use a team approach Check references. Check references. Check references. If you spot a problem, keep searching Use multiple interviews Can use MMPI, CPI. Hare Psychopathy Checklist (antisocial)

“management by walking around” Cultivate bellweathers Expectation = respectful behavior Recognize & reward pro-social & respectful formal & informal leadership through promotions, awards, raises, etc. Display excitement & interest in what people are doing by giving verbal comments & written congrats Management: invite employees to speak up. Appear at staff meetings. Pay special attention to the interpersonal dynamics in team meetings. Follow up with direct supervisors, sharing what you noticed, & discuss what steps they might take to correct destructive or dysfunctional means of communication. Talk with formal & informal leaders. Ask HR to flag depts where absenteeism, leaves, early retirements, quitting are high. Conduct confidential exit interviews. CULTIVATE “BELLWEATHERS: Organizational bellweathers – individuals with excellent track records who have demonstrated their ability to produce good results and have shown loyalty to the organization. Encourage them to drop in & chat on a regular basis. Tell them how valuable they are to the organization. EXPECT: create a culture that strongly discourages toxic behavior.

Take immediate & visible action to deal with harassment by meeting with the alleged target & harasser & gather facts Attempt Executive coaching Use progressive discipline (probation) Document issue a written warning State what will happen next If the company decides to keep person, need to provide more than a workshop. Use coaching with someone capable of exploring & effecting change in personality traits that underlie toxic behavior. Also have employee get an evaluation for any psychiatric condition treatable with medication ( anxiety, depression, ADHD, bipolar) that might be a contributing factor. Written warning: Be concrete, give specific examples. Indicate that a letter will be placed in the employee’s file. Flow charts and exploratory questions to ask oneself for facing a toxic manager and one for toxic subordinates in Lubit, Coping with Toxic Managers, Subordinates…& other difficult people.

When witnessed or reported, the bullying behavior should be addressed IMMEDIATELY If bullying is entrenched in the organization, complaints need to be taken seriously and investigated promptly. Reassignment of those involved may be necessary (with an “innocent until proven guilty” approach)

Structure the work environment to incorporate a sense of autonomy, individual challenge/mastery, and clarity of task expectations for employees – Include employees in decision-making processes

Encourage open door policies Investigate the extent and nature of the problem. Conduct attitude surveys Improve management’s ability and sensitivity towards dealing with and responding to conflicts Establish an independent contact for employees (e.g., HR contact) Have a demonstrated commitment “from the top” about what is and is not acceptable behavior

Develop clear organizational guidelines for leaders & employees to be accountable for workplace behavior & to intervene when witnessing bullying of colleagues Discuss concerns of bullying at staff meetings Provide ongoing education to reinforce organization’s commitment to ensuring a caring & respectful environment

Hold awareness campaigns for EVERYONE on what bullying is. Encourage reporting Ensure management has an active part in the staff they supervise, rather than being far removed from them

Issue a second warning Next demote, suspend or terminate employee Offer employee an honorable way out if possible. Or escorted by security. Manager should model appropriate behavior TOCS – Toxic Organizational Change System by Kusy & Hollaway 2nd Warning: Add that continued failure to change behavior could result in an employee’s dismissal. Demote: Demotions & terminations are generally subject to senior level approval & often accompanied by a lawyer’s drafted letter of termination Offer: personal effects can be delivered to their home In severe cases by need a restraining order TOCS: Toxic Workplace! Managing Toxic Personalities & their systems of Power The TO CS model of systemic interventions provides a foundation for leaders and teams to renew & invest in building a culture that honors these values. By examing the system of toxicity, identifying concrete behaviors for changem setting appropriate expectations, & giving relevant & inclusive fedback, leaders will demonstrate the power of respect to both individuals & teams,. Organizational Strategies (organizational policies, performance appraisal, leadership development, 360-degree feedback, skip-level evaluations Team Strategies(participative Team member selection, values to team norms, leader engagement with Team Values, 360-degree Team Assessment Individual Strategies- lay out specific things they do that are destructive, try to get them to use their energy in a + way, targeted feedback, performance appraisal, outline the steps /process for achieving the performance goals & follow-up, time-specific, coaching, termination)

What can Managers do to cultivate Civility
Time: Several weeks to write a policy on how to handle bullying and train managers accordingly. You’ll need a few hours to meet with employees when an issue arises. Input: Encourage employees to report bad behavior. Add questions about bullying to existing tools like 360-degree feedback reviews, skip-level meetings, workplace-culture surveys, or sexual-harassment training.

What Can Managers Do To Cultivate Civility
Policy changes: Talk to HR about adding bullying to your company’s discrimination policies. Most policies cover harassment that is unlawful, such as sexual or racial harassment, but a bullying policy simply outlines behavior that is inconsistent with company culture. A company culture that doesn’t tolerate bullies: If bullying is coming from the very top, this behavior will be impossible to root out.

Return to Civility 365 ways to be civil
“Maybe they are not trying to be rude, they’re just forgetting to be civil”. by John Sweeney

The World Declares War on Bullying
1990 – Heinz Leymann, Swiss, published & research- defined mobbing 1988 British journalist Andrea Adams coined the phrase “workplace bullying”Wrote 1st book in UK on bullying 1994 Australia -Beyond Bullying Association BBA 1st conference 1997 Dr. Susan Steinman Hyenas at Work 1997 – WP Violence in health care sector

International Laws UK Employers have duty to protect employees
1994 Sweden 1st law against workplace bullying UK Employers have duty to protect employees Safety & Health for Employment Law codes 2001 Protection from Harassment Act Australia 1994 Public Sector Ethics Act 1996 The WorkCover Queensland Act 1997 Workplace Relations Act 2005 SafeWork SA Amendment to the Occupational Health, Safety & Welfare Act SWEDEN: bullying is seen as an organizational issue Last: organizations can be prosecuted & fined up to $100,000 for failing to “adequately manage” bullying behavior

International Laws France 2002 Social Modernization Law Canada
U.S.???????????

What can Society Do? Civility needs to start early
Awareness & support of special community programs Special programs in schools Attention to quality of relationships Greater awareness of connectivity “It pays to be civil” Parents teach respect AWARENESS: Civility Project (Cleveland Heights, OH), Because it Matters (Venice, FL), Speak Your Peace ( Deluth, Minnesota), Choose Civility (Baltimore MD). In Cleveland Heights, a civility coordinator was hired to teach students character development, empathy, compassion, & conflict resolution. SPECIAL: “Character Counts "draws together leading youth organizations ( i.e. YMCA, 4 H, Little League, Boys & Girl’s Clubs) & educational associations ( i.e. National Education Association & National Assoc. of Secondary School Principals) to encourage respect & build character. During that special week, children participate in art & essay contests, parades, & other events that spotlight respect, responsibility, fairness, & caring. At univ. level, schools of the Atlantic Coast, Pacific Ten & Southeastern conferences have eliminated the very profitable sale of alcohol At games. Universities include volunteering in schools, etc.

No Innocent Bystanders
At this point in time, everyone has to work to end bullying We need to take on bullying as a community, rather than as individuals Enroll our children in schools, programs, sports, that foster & celebrate civility in children

HELPING THE NEXT GENERATION WITH BULLYING
Provide resources & help them be knowledgeable Help them to not feel guilty, ashamed, but to feel empowered that they can control their situation Help them make a plan & problem solve Encourage students to talk with teachers, counselors, school administration. Inform children of McGruff Safe Homes or start them in your community. Anti-bullying program. Individuals & stores sign up & let kids stop in if they are bothered traveling to & from home.

School’s Responsibility
The school is responsible for maintaining order at school Teachers set the rules. Bullying is against the rules Under the National Safe Schools Framework of Jan schools are required to address the issues of bullying & harassment. The tone is set Bullying will not be tolerated. Under: Are schools doing enough? What are some of the methods they can use to deal with bullying?

Civility throughout time
Buddha 563—483 BC Confucius Socrates, Plato, Aristotle The Renaissance George Washington Abraham Lincoln Dale Carnegie 1936 Buddha beckoned believers to behave civilly by pointing to the spiritual benefits they would realize just by thinking well of others. Confucius taught leaders to conduct their affairs strategically with compassion & diplomacy, discussed managing anger “when anger rises, think of the consequences” “ Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig 2 graves”. Socrates advocated self development. Plato & Aristotle both spoke of civil behaviors. The Golden Rule “ Do unto others as you would have others do unto you”. RENAISSANCE: The ideal was a man of letters, intellectually sophisticated & classically schooled WASHINGTON: wrote more than a hundred social rules based on the monastic guidelines published by a French Jesuit in 1595 LINCOLN: “It is better to remain silent & be thought a fool than to open one’s mouth & remove all doubt”. Talked about “malice toward none”. CARNEGIE: How to Win Friends & Influence People

Helpful Web Sites www.takeTheBullyByTheHorns www.bullyfreeworld.com

In Summary Be Savvy The best response to the first episode of bullying is……… Moving from Victim to Warrior & Verbal Sumaria When one finds themselves as a target in a bullying situation, the first step is to ……… The next step is to Strategize and ..…. Solicit Witness Statements & Support Name some soft strategies for dealing with a bully Documenting & Record Keeping Tips for Finding a Good Attorney

Summary The complexities of whistle blowing
Survival Strategies if you decide to stay Negotiating a Termination Agreement if you decide to leave Strong Statements to practice & use Ways companies can build & sustain healthy work environments Legal aspects of bullying and Precedent cases Incivility in Academia & suggestions to remedy Helpful books & websites

Useful Resources The Australian government has put together a publication on “Advice to Supervisors on Bullying in the Workplace” that includes useful resources for employers, including a checklist to assess whether you have a bully-free workplace. Use this checklist to see whether you are being bullied or have a bullying workplace:

Useful Resources Key Elements of New York City’s Workplace Violence Law Fact Sheet: Guidelines for Preventing Workplace Violence for Health Care & Social Service Workers: Dealing with Workplace Violence: A Guide for Government Agency Planners: Article distinguishing bullying from harassment: Bullying at Work Can Have Legal, Financial Penalties:

Useful Resources Workplace Bullying and Trauma Institute, Bellingham, Washington: Advice for Employers on Workplace Bullying: Guide for Employees on Workplace Bullying:

Useful Resources www.stopworkplacebullies.com www.kickbully.com
Guide for Employees on Workplace Bullying: NIOSH Update: Most Workplace Bullying is Worker to Worker:

Useful Resources for Employers
Advice for Employers on Workplace Bullying: kplace.html.

Useful Resources Dealing with Workplace Violence: A Guide for Government Agency Planners: Article distinguishing bullying from harassment: Bullying at Work Can Have Legal, Financial Penalties: NIOSH Update: Most Workplace Bullying is Worker to Worker: Workplace Bullying and Trauma Institute, Bellingham, Washington:

Reference List APNA 2008 Position Statement on workplace Violence, Cade, Valerie, Bully Free At Work, What You Can do to stop workplace bullying now, 2009. Cavaiola, Ann A, & Lavender, Neil J., Toxic Coworkers, New Harbinger Publications, 2000, 207pp. Chapman, Dave, Clark, Cynthia, “The Sweet Spot of Civility: My Story”, Futterman: has sample Workplace violence journal, highly recommend. Q & A at end. Numerous websites. Great source of info.

Reference List Clark, Cynthia, & Cardoni, Cari, 2010, “What students can do to promote civility, Reflections on Nursing Leadership, 36:2. on nursing leadership.com. Crowe, S. A. Since strangling isn’t an option, 1999, Penguin Putnam, Inc. 274 pp. Davenport, N, Schwartz, R, Elliott, G. Mobbing, Emotional Abuse in the American Workplace, Civil Society Publishing, 216 pp. Elgin, S The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense at Work, The Penguin Group, 340pp.

Reference List Forni, P.M. The Civility Solution, What to do when people are rude”, 2008, 166 pp. Futterman, Susan, When You Work for a Bully , Croce Publishing Group, LLC,2004, 245 pp. Glass, Lillian, The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Verbal Self-Defense, Alpha, 1999, 338pp. Guiness, O.S., The Case for Civility and why our future depends on it., 2008, Harper Collins Publishers, 214pp. Griffin, M. (2004). Teaching cognitive rehearsal as a shield for lateral violence: An intervention for newly licensed nurses. Journal of Continuing Education in Nursing, 35 (6),1-7.

Reference List Heinrich, K.T. (2007) Joy Stealing: How some nurse educators resist these faculty games. Reflections on Nursing leadership 32 (2), 1-4. Heinrich, K.T. (2007). Joy stealing: 10 mean games faculty play and how to stop the gaming. Nurse Educator, 32 (1), Horn, S., Take the Bully by the horns”, 2003, 302 pp Kohut, M. The Complete Guide to Understanding, Controlling, and Stopping Bullies & Bullying at Work Atlantic Publishing Group, 285 pp. Hurd, David, Defamation & Blacklisting,

Reference List Kusy,M. & Hollaway, E., Toxic Workplace!, 2009,John Wiley & Sons, 242 pp. Longo, Joy, “Combating disruptive behaviors: strategies to promote a healthy work environment” OJIN: The Online Journal of Issues in Nursing Vol.15, No. 1, Manuscript 5. Lubit, Roy H., Coping with Toxic Managers, Subordinates…and other difficult people, Prentice Hall, 2004, 368pp. Mueller, Robert, Bullying Bosses: A Survivor’s Guide, 2005, 282pp. Namie, G. & Namie, R. The Bully at Work, 2009, Sourcebooks, Inc, 336 pp.

Reference List Pearson, C., & Porath, C. The Cost of Bad Behavior The Penguin Group, 224p. Spindel, P. Psychological Warfare at Work, 2008, Spindel & Associates,, Inc., Toronto, Ontario, Canada, 168pp. Sutton, Robert I., The No Asshole Rule, Warren Business Books, 2007, 210pp. Twale, D.J., DeLuca, B.M.,2008, 219 pp.

Questions? Sharing ? I hope you have found this to be helpful & informative. I certainly enjoyed preparing this Hopefully you will never need this info but if you ever are in such a situation I hope it is helpful to you Be a Workplace Warrior if you have to but I wish all of you a peaceful, healthy work environment never to be bullied

THANKS!!! You are a great audience!!!
LET’S END Bullying in the Work Place!!!

LIFE STRATEGIES FOR DEALING WITH BULLIES

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