1. BETH OLSON, MSW The Realities of Power and Control After Separation

3. Advocacy Perspective Base our understanding of an issue from the lived experiences of those affected by that issue, not other theory Base our assistance on the self-defined needs and prioritization of those needs of the person affected View child abuse as part of a broader social problem of inequality and oppression vs. individual problems or cases Understand the individual’s/family’s experience in the context of societal beliefs values and norms Recognize that the child’s health and well-being is directly related to the health and well-being of the non- offending parent

4. Definition of Battering Battering is a pattern of behavior used to establish power and control over another person through fear and intimidation, often including the threat or use of violence. Battering happens when one person believes they are entitled to control another.

5. Power and Control Wheel Refer to your handout

6. Hierarchy within the Family He sets the rules She is expected to enforce the rules Blame from the bottom (kids) is targeted to the middle (moms) He controls the parenting but does very little actual quality parenting Because he makes the rules, he can also change the rules She will discipline in ways she doesn’t want to, to avoid his overt use of violent discipline She may hide things from him to save the kids from discipline

7. Using Children Post Separation Refer to your handout

8. Withholding Financial Support Withholding child support, insurance, medical and basic needs payments Using court action to take her money, resources Interfering with her ability to work Blocking access to money after separation

9. Discrediting Her as a Mother Using her social status against her, sexual identity, immigration, races, religion, education, income Inundating systems with false accusations of bad parenting, cheating, using drugs being “crazy” Exploiting “children need a father” to gain sympathy Isolation her from family, friends, practitioners,other supporters

10. Undermining her Ability to Parent Disrupting children’s sleep, feeding patterns Withholding information about children’s social, emotional and physical needs Contradicting her rules for the children Demanding visitation schedules at children's expense

11. Disregarding Children Ignoring school schedules, homework Ridiculing their needs, wants, fears, identities Forcing family members, new girlfriends or wives other women to do the parenting work Treating them as younger or older that they are Enforcing strict gender roles

12. Endangering Children Neglecting them while in his care Putting them in age-inappropriate emotional and physical situations Using violence in front of them

13. Using Harassment and Intimidation Destroying things belonging or related to her or the children Using children to justify breaking no-contact orders Threatening and stalking her, the children Making his presence known while staying conspicuously outside protection order boundaries Abusing animals Using third parties to harass, threaten and coerce her

14. Using Physical and Sexual Violence against Mother and Children Threatening to kill or kidnap the children Physically hurting her Abusing the children physically, sexually, emotionally Threatening suicide Forcing sex as a condition for keeping the children safe or allowing her to see the children Exposing children to pornography

15. Disrupting Her Relationship with Children Coercing children to ally with him Degrading her to the children Using children as spies Isolating children from her or her from the children

16. 7 Realities of Women Who Leave 1. He continues to have access to her through children. What does this look like? Access through visits with children and exchanges Access through court custody provisions Kids are the excuse for breaking orders and other enforceable boundaries Question How does he still have contact with you?

17. 7 Realities of Women Who Leave 2. Physical and sexual violence toward her and the children. What does this look like? Visits and exchanges are incredibly dangerous for her She faces the increased risk of being killed in the weeks after leaving He will at least proposition sexual favors in exchange for belongings or children He will sexually assault her during exchanges He will exert his domination over her and the children with physical force Question In what ways does he hurt or endanger you? In what ways does he hurt or endanger your children? What happens when you report?

18. 7 Realities of Women Who Leave 3. She is blamed What does this look like? He blames her for the violence, makes her the scapegoat for everything Her kids blame her for his violence, for having to move, change schools etc… Support systems and society blame her “Why doesn’t she just…” Children’s trauma related to DV appears in behaviors and her parenting is scrutinized Question How do you feel blamed for his actions? How has your children’s behavior changed?

19. 7 Realities of Women Who Leave 4. She becomes the focus What does this look like? His violence disappears He will play the victim with the system She is under a microscope and is on the defense His statements are taken as fact and often put in writing He will report over and over to the system discrediting her as a parent She drinks, she does drugs…etc.. She is constantly having to defend and then appears crazy and angry Question What happens when you interact with the system? What happens when he interacts with the system? How do you build credibility with the system? What do you have to defend about yourself? What does he have to defend about himself?

20. 7 Realities of Women Who Leave 5. The children are used as tools What does this look like? He gets almost immediate visitation He will hurt the children because he knows it is what she cares about most He will use the children as an excuse to have continued access to her He will disregard the children’s needs Ignoring school schedules and homework Interrupting sleeping and feeding schedules Contradicting her rules for parenting Undermining her parenting Interrupting her relationship with the children Question What does your relationship with your children look like after separation? What does his relationship with your children look like after separation?

21. 7 Realities of Women Who Leave 6. Her economic status is dependent on him What does this look like? In the relationship he controlled the money Not paying child support Quitting his job or working for cash She will be held accountable for debt accumulated while he was in charge of the finances He will be able to change custody to change child support He will move or hide money during the course of reporting financials to attorneys He can throw money at a problem, drag her into court He can raise question about her use of support money Question How is your financial situation controlled by him after separation? What do you have to do to get his financial help with the children?

22. 7 Realities of Women Who Leave 7. She is alone What does this look like? She is very isolated during the relationship He will charm/manipulate her support system into believing him He is the victim He will form relationships with others and explain how crazy and unstable she is Support systems after she leaves are largely professionals, advocates, therapists, social workers Her baseline of trust is gone and so it is difficult to reach out or build support networks Support systems get scared away Question Who are your support people? In what ways are they supportive?

23. What is the impact on her and the children? She can appear crazy, hyper vigilant, nervous, defensive, uncooperative She will lose credibility with the system She will be under the microscope and her decisions scrutinized She is forced to make concessions for her safety or the safety of the children His violence becomes invisible and so decisions are made that decrease the safety for her and the children She is forced to make decisions that affect her and the kids lives long term before she can sort through coming out of a battering relationship

24. Strategies to intervene in his power and control Use these questions to understand the realities for her and her children Build a connection with her/engage her in the process Always keep in mind the continued effect of his past and current violence/understand the dynamics of power and control Think long term when making decisions Document her reality, not his battering Eliminate his access to her  Supervised exchange programs that work for safety for the mother and her children Help her find ways outside of the system to reduce contact or connection to him

25. First Witness Advocacy Trainings and Conference Duluth, MN Training for Advocates Working in a CAC  April 8-10, 2015  October 7-9, 2015 Training for Advocates: Co-occurrence of Domestic Violence and Child Abuse  May 18-19, 2015  October 19-20, 2015 Stand Against Child Abuse Conference  July 13, 14  Track for advocates: 12 workshops and one plenary that speak just to you!