1. Relational Transgressions

2. Hurt Feelings Hurt feelings tend to occur in relational contexts The most intense hurt feelings arise when a partner’s words or actions communicate devaluation of an individual or a relationship Two most common sources of hurt feelings are transgressions and hurtful messages

3. Relational Transgressions occur when people violate implicit or explicit relational rules Most common relational transgressions: sexual activity wanting or actually dating others deception about something significant Hurtful messages are words (or actions) that elicit psychological pain–damaging to relationship quality such as trust

4. Infidelity Sexual infidelity and breaking up are most difficult relationship events to forgive. Methods of discovery and relationship damage: finding out from a third party or witnessing the infidelity firsthand (most relationship damage) having the partner tell you on her or his own (least relationship damage) having the partner admit to infidelity after you question her or him (falls in the middle)

5. Types of Infidelity Sexual Infidelity: someone engages in sexual activity outside of relationship when rules exist Rules may be implicit or explicit Emotional Infidelity: someone is emotionally attached to or “in love with” a potential rival—give another person emotional resources such as love, time, and attention. Or Both Communicative Infidelity: Engaging in sexual activity to communicate a message to one’s partner (e.g., revenge or make him/her jealous)

6. Cues to Infidelity Cues to sexual infidelity include: Indirect physical signs (makeup, weight loss, perfume on clothing) Direct revelation (walking in on partner) Changes in sexual behavior Exaggerated affection Sexual disinterest

7. Cues to Infidelity, cont. Cues to emotional infidelity include: Expressing relationship dissatisfaction Emotional disengagement Passive rejection Negative communication patterns (angry, critical, or argumentative) Reluctance to spend time together Reluctance to talk about a particular person Guilty communication

8. Cues to Infidelity, cont. Cues to both sexual and emotional infidelity include: Apathetic communication Increased contact with third party The cues identified in previous slides are drawn from “perceptions” of a college student sample done in 1997. 1)Would married individuals offer different cues? 2)Would data from 2011 include more about use of technology?

9. Sex Differences in Reactions to Infidelity Social Evolutionary Perspective: Women get more upset in response to emotional infidelity; men get more upset in response to sexual infidelity: why? The research that supports this perspective uses (1) Imagined scenarios (2) Forced choice options rather than scale items When scales are used, both men and women more jealous about sexual infidelity Double-shot hypothesis: M/F = sex—emotional; F/M = emotional—sex

10. Defining Jealousy Romantic jealousy occurs when an individual worries that a rival could interfere with the existence or quality of her/his relationship a real or imagined threat The rival can be another person or involvement with friends, family, other activities, work, etc. Envy is when a person desires something another person has. Rivalry is when two people compete for something that neither one has.

11. Jealousy, Envy, & Rivalry

12. Jealous Thoughts Appraisal Theory Primary Appraisals: General evaluations about the existence and quality of the threat (Initial unpleasant arousal) Secondary Appraisals (a bit more cognitive) Motives for partner’s Behavior/Interest Comparisons to the Rival Evaluation of Alternatives Assessment of Potential Loss Reappraisal Reflection after talking with partner, other people, or just thinking.

13. Jealous Emotions Jealousy is a secondary or “blended” emotion (not a basic emotion) Some languages do not even have the term Fear and Anger are most central Other emotions include: Sadness Guilt Hurt Envy Some positive affect, such as Sexual Arousal and Attraction, Love and Appreciation

14. Communicative Responses to Jealousy For list of responses, see Box 13.2, p. 314 Most common: Integrative & Negative affect communication Responses depend on intensity of jealousy and goals. When people want to maintain the relationship: Constructive responses and Compensatory Restoration. When goal is to reduce uncertainty: Integrative communication Surveillance Rival contacts

15. Responses related to relational satisfaction (as cause or effect): Negative affect expression (honestly, but constructively expressing the jealousy) paired with integrative communication is the best combination Moderate amounts of compensatory restoration may also be beneficial Sex differences Women use integrative comm., expressing emotion, appearance enhancement and counter jealousy induction more than men; Men contact the rival, restrict partner’s access to rival, and give gifts and spend money more than women.

16. Deception Deception occurs when people intentionally manage verbal and/or nonverbal messages so that a receiver will believe or understand something in a way that the sender knows is false. Lies: the information given is opposite or clearly different from what the deceiver perceives as the truth Equivocation: the information given is indirect, evasive, and/or ambiguous Concealment: relevant information is omitted Exaggeration: information is overstated; details are sometimes added Understatement: information is understated; certain details are typically downplayed

17. Motives for Deception Types of Motives (sometimes co-occur) Partner-focused Self-focused Relationship-focused Deception is not necessarily bad for a relationship. Depends on the topic of deception.

18. Deception Detection Deception detection accuracy in close relationships is generally low (50% to 60%) What influences accuracy? Advantages of Relational Closeness behavioral familiarity informational familiarity Disadvantages of Relational Closeness the truth bias behavioral control (greater effort when more to lose)

19. Deception in Relationships Partner- and relationship-motivated deception are more acceptable than self-motivated deception. In certain situations, deception may help couples avoid arguments and hurt feelings. Deception allows people to downplay their faults and accentuate their virtues. the benefit of positive illusions deception as impression management during date initiation

20. Deception in Relationships, cont. Although deception can be functional, it can also be problematic in relationships. When people perceive their partners as dishonest, they report less relational satisfaction and commitment. Deception is a leading cause of conflict and breakup in relationships. Can be harmful to health if not honest about sexual history.

21. Hurtful Messages Hurtful messages devalue the partner or the rel. Hurtful because we trust and are vulnerable Children/parents hurtful messages (disrespect, disregard) The most commonly reported hurtful messages are: (See Box 13.4, pp. 320-321) Evaluations (This rel. has been a waste of my time) Accusations (You are a selfish and rude person) Informative statements (unwanted info.--I only dated you because I was on the rebound) Messages are especially hurtful when perceived to be intentional.

22. Responses to Hurtful Messages Active verbal responses: confronting the partner through positive or negative communication Satisfied couples are better able to communicate constructively and resolve the issues Acquiescent responses: giving in and acknowledging the partner’s ability to hurt Invulnerable responses: acting unaffected by the hurtful remark

23. Forgiveness  Forgiveness: an emotional transformation to inhibit retaliatory and withdrawal tendencies (letting go of anger & hurt) and renegotiate the relationship (terminate or reconcile)  Extend undeserved mercy  Most say we can forgive the actor but not the act  We can wish the offender well, but not want to be in a relationship with him or her Following forgiveness, only about 1/3 of relationships return to “normal,” with some strengthening while others deteriorate.

24. Common Ways of Communicating Forgiveness  Explicit (stated) Forgiveness  Nonverbal Display  Discussion  Minimization  Conditional Forgiveness

25. Forgiveness more likely when... apology is sincere & leads to empathy transgression is less serious relationship was satisfying and committed the partner was considered highly rewarding when transgression is not a pattern when the offended person has been forgiven before ( norm of reciprocity )

26. Remedial Strategies After Transgression  Apologies and Concessions  Especially fully developed, sincere, elicits empathy, and voluntary rather than forced  Appeasement/Positivity/Compensation (compliments, I love you, being helpful, etc.)  Explanations  Excuses and Justifications  Denials/Refusals (denying responsibility)  Not very effective

27.  Avoidance/Evasion  Not effective  Relationship Talk Relationship invocation (“We love each other enough to get through this”) Metatalk (explicit talk about how the transgression has affected the relationship; make rules, norms, expectations more explicit) Remedial Strategies, cont.

28. Not to forgive is to be imprisoned by the past, by old grievances. Not to forgive is to yield oneself to another's control... to be locked into a sequence of act and response, of outrage and revenge, tit for tat, escalating always. The present is endlessly overwhelmed and devoured by the past. Forgiveness frees the forgiver. It extracts the forgiver from someone else's nightmare. - Lance Morrow Resentment is like a glass of poison that a man drinks; then he sits down and waits for his enemy to die.—Nelson Mandela when asked why he was not resentful for his imprisonment. Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting. -- William A. Ward You will know that forgiveness has begun when you recall those who hurt you and feel the power to wish them well. --Lewis B. Smedes To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you. Louis B. Smedes