1. Things You Should Never Say to a Cop Sorry, Officer, I didn’t know my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.

2. Things You Should Never Say to a Cop I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer.

3. Things You Should Never Say to a Cop Aren’t you the guy from the Village People?

4. Things You Should Never Say to a Cop Hey, you must have done 125 mph to stay up with me! Way to go!

5. Things You Should Never Say to a Cop I thought you had to be in relatively good condition to be a police officer.

6. Things You Should Never Say to a Cop I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school, instead.

7. Things You Should Never Say to a Cop Bad cop! No donut!

8. Things You Should Never Say to a Cop You’re not gonna check the trunk, are you?

9. Things You Should Never Say to a Cop Gee, that gut sure doesn’t inspire confidence.

10. Things You Should Never Say to a Cop Didn’t I see you get your ass kicked on COPS?

11. Things You Should Never Say to a Cop Wow, you look just like the picture on my girlfriend’s nightstand.

12. Things You Should Never Say to a Cop Is it true that people become cops when they’re too dumb to work at McDonald’s?

13. Things You Should Never Say to a Cop I pay your salary!

14. Things You Should Never Say to a Cop So, uh, you on the take or what?

15. Things You Should Never Say to a Cop Gee, Officer! That’s great! The last four cops only gave me a warning, too!

16. Things You Should Never Say to a Cop Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

17. Things You Should Never Say to a Cop I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars in sight - that’s how far they are ahead of me.

18. Things You Should Never Say to a Cop What do you mean, “Have you been drinking?” You’re the trained specialist!

19. Things You Should Never Say to a Cop Well, when I bent down to pick up my crack vial, my gun fell off of my lap, and wedged between the brake and gas pedal.

20. Things You Should Never Say to a Cop Is that a 9mm? That’s wimpy compared to this.44 Magnum!

21. Things You Should Never Say to a Cop Hey, do we get to do another one of those full body cavity searches?