2. TEXTING WITH GOD

3. TEXT MESSAGE

4. Hey, what’s up?

5. TEXT MESSAGE Hey, what’s up? Who is this?

6. TEXT MESSAGE Hey, what’s up? Who is this? It’s God.

7. TEXT MESSAGE Hey, what’s up? Who is this? It’s God. No seriously, who is this?

8. TEXT MESSAGE I told u, it’s God.

9. TEXT MESSAGE I told u, it’s God. OK, if you are God why are you sending me a text and not a burning bush or sumthin?

10. TEXT MESSAGE Because my Sprint wireless plan comes with unlimited texting.

11. TEXT MESSAGE Because my Sprint wireless plan comes with unlimited texting. Look, that’s really funny, but I’m busy.

12. TEXT MESSAGE Because my Sprint wireless plan comes with unlimited texting. Look, that’s really funny, but I’m busy. Busy! You call setting up your fantasy football team busy?

13. TEXT MESSAGE How did you know I was doing that?

14. TEXT MESSAGE How did you know I was doing that? Hello? I’m God, remember?

15. TEXT MESSAGE How did you know I was doing that? Hello? I’m God, remember? You’re starting to creep me out.

16. TEXT MESSAGE Really? Well, here’s a hint: don’t play Drew Brees Sunday because he’s gonna get hurt in the first quarter.

17. TEXT MESSAGE Really? Well, here’s a hint: don’t play Drew Brees Sunday because he’s gonna get hurt in the first quarter. So let me get this straight: God sends texts and gives fantasy football advice based on insider knowledge. Do I have that right?

18. TEXT MESSAGE Pretty much.

19. TEXT MESSAGE Pretty much. Okay, If you’re God, then what is 5,231 x 6,914?

20. TEXT MESSAGE Let Me get this straight: your God is a math wizard? It’s 36,167,134 by the way. Pretty much. Okay, If you’re God, then what is 5,231 x 6,914?

21. TEXT MESSAGE Wow. That’s impressive, but you could be Rain Man or that guy in “Good Will Hunting” or something.

22. TEXT MESSAGE Wow. That’s impressive, but you could be Rain Man or that guy in “Good Will Hunting” or something. Or I could be that guy in “Oh, God!”

23. TEXT MESSAGE Dude. I’m tired of this. What do you want?

24. TEXT MESSAGE Dude. I’m tired of this. What do you want? I just want to help.

25. TEXT MESSAGE First off, how do I even know you are God? Second, what makes you think I need help?

26. TEXT MESSAGE First off, how do I even know you are God? Second, what makes you think I need help? Well, first it’s obvious I’m God because whenever I refer to Me I capitalize it. Second, you asked Me for help.

27. TEXT MESSAGE When?

28. TEXT MESSAGE When? Last night when you were paying respects to the Sacred Flushing God of Porcelain.

29. TEXT MESSAGE I don’t remember that.

30. TEXT MESSAGE I don’t remember that. Bingo.

31. TEXT MESSAGE Hey, I didn’t drink that much. I only had

32. TEXT MESSAGE Hey, I didn’t drink that much. I only had Wait: let me guess. A couple of beers, right?

33. TEXT MESSAGE Hey, I didn’t drink that much. I only had Wait: let me guess. A couple of beers, right? Wow you text fast. But yeah.Right.

34. TEXT MESSAGE One day, someone is going to start a beer company called “Coupla Beers” so people can start telling the truth.

35. TEXT MESSAGE One day, someone is going to start a beer company called “Coupla Beers” so people can start telling the truth. Look, I was drunk. It happens. It’s not like I’m an alcoholic.

36. TEXT MESSAGE What do you think an alcoholic is?

37. TEXT MESSAGE What do you think an alcoholic is? A loser who drinks every day until he dies.

38. TEXT MESSAGE What do you think an alcoholic is? A loser who drinks every day until he dies. You mean, like your father?

39. TEXT MESSAGE Are you God or Dr. Phil?

40. TEXT MESSAGE Are you God or Dr. Phil? I’m just saying maybe you need to broaden your definition of what an alcoholic is.

41. TEXT MESSAGE Are you God or Dr. Phil? I’m just saying maybe you need to broaden your definition of what an alcoholic is. I’m NOT an alcoholic! I just like to party.

42. TEXT MESSAGE Really?

43. TEXT MESSAGE Really? Yes. I was celebrating the Giants winning the World Series.

44. TEXT MESSAGE Really? Yes. I was celebrating the Giants winning the World Series. They won it almost two weeks ago!

45. TEXT MESSAGE Hey, it took over 50 years to get it so I figure I had better celebrate long and hard.

46. TEXT MESSAGE Hey, it took over 50 years to get it so I figure I had better celebrate long and hard. Okay, what about the end of last month when you passed out on your front lawn. What were you celebrating then? Thursday?

47. TEXT MESSAGE I don’t remember that.

48. TEXT MESSAGE I don’t remember that. Bingo.

49. TEXT MESSAGE I don’t remember that. Bingo. Look, you said you were here to help me. How?

50. TEXT MESSAGE If you ever want to stop drinking, I can help.

51. TEXT MESSAGE If you ever want to stop drinking, I can help. Stop? I told you. I’m young. I’m partying.

52. TEXT MESSAGE If you ever want to stop drinking, I can help. Stop? I told you. I’m young. I’m partying. For now. What about the future?

53. TEXT MESSAGE Gimme a break! What’s next? Are you going to take me on a “Ghost of Christmas Future” thing to try to scare me straight?

54. TEXT MESSAGE Gimme a break! What’s next? Are you going to take me on a “Ghost of Christmas Future” thing to try to scare me straight? No. I don’t need to. You’ve already seen your future in your father’s life.

55. TEXT MESSAGE I AM NOT MY FATHER!!

56. TEXT MESSAGE I AM NOT MY FATHER!! Funny, your father once said the same thing to me about his own father.

57. TEXT MESSAGE I AM NOT MY FATHER!! Funny, your father once said the same thing to me about his own father. Really? When?

58. TEXT MESSAGE It was a long time ago. He was just about your age.

59. TEXT MESSAGE It was a long time ago. He was just about your age. They didn’t have texting back then.

60. TEXT MESSAGE It was a long time ago. He was just about your age. They didn’t have texting back then. No, he did it the old fashioned way. Through prayer.

61. TEXT MESSAGE No way! My dad wasn’t religious! He wouldn’t know how to pray!

62. TEXT MESSAGE No way! My dad wasn’t religious! He wouldn’t know how to pray! Sure he did. Just like you did last night.

63. TEXT MESSAGE No way! My dad wasn’t religious! He wouldn’t know how to pray! Sure he did. Just like you did last night. I prayed? I must’ve really been drunk. What did I say?

64. TEXT MESSAGE My favorite prayer: “Please God, help me!”

65. TEXT MESSAGE My favorite prayer: “Please God, help me!” Wait a minute! If my dad prayed that same prayer then why didn’t you help him? Why did he drink himself to death?

66. TEXT MESSAGE I can provide the tools but I can’t make anyone use them.

67. TEXT MESSAGE I can provide the tools but I can’t make anyone use them. What tools?

68. TEXT MESSAGE I can provide the tools but I can’t make anyone use them. What tools? There are many but the main one for newcomers is reading the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.

69. TEXT MESSAGE I went to a couple of AA meetings four years ago when I got my DUI.

70. TEXT MESSAGE I went to a couple of AA meetings four years ago when I got my DUI. Your second DUI.

71. TEXT MESSAGE I went to a couple of AA meetings four years ago when I got my DUI. Your second DUI. You really are all-knowing, huh? Anyway, it just seemed like a place for people to hook up.

72. TEXT MESSAGE They have a saying in AA “If you come to meetings just to hook up, the odds are good, but the goods are odd.” So yes that happens, but you will find whatever it is you are seeking there. If it is sobriety, you will find it.

73. TEXT MESSAGE How can I be sure I am an alcoholic?

74. TEXT MESSAGE How can I be sure I am an alcoholic? Well, there are a few AA pamphlets with questions in them you can use, but one good saying is that if you’ve ever wondered if you are an alcoholic, then you probably are.

75. TEXT MESSAGE Hmmm…well, I did wonder about that when I came out of a blackout and discovered I had a new tattoo I didn’t remember getting.

76. TEXT MESSAGE Hmmm…well, I did wonder about that when I came out of a blackout and discovered I had a new tattoo I didn’t remember getting. Yes, that must’ve been deeply painful to come to and realize that you are the proud lifetime owner of a Dodgers tattoo.

77. TEXT MESSAGE Tell me about it. At least it’s not in a spot that is clearly visible.

78. TEXT MESSAGE Tell me about it. At least it’s not in a spot that is clearly visible. Well, just be careful not to moon anybody in San Francisco.

79. TEXT MESSAGE How do you fit into all this?

80. TEXT MESSAGE How do you fit into all this? I’m the engine that keeps it running. You just need to turn the key.

81. TEXT MESSAGE How do you fit into all this? I’m the engine that keeps it running. You just need to turn the key. Do you always talk like a fortune cookie?

82. TEXT MESSAGE No, I sometimes even use song lyrics or quotes from movies if it’s helpful.

83. TEXT MESSAGE No, I sometimes even use song lyrics or quotes from movies if it’s helpful. Can I always reach you by texting?

84. TEXT MESSAGE No, I sometimes even use song lyrics or quotes from movies if it’s helpful. Can I always reach you by texting? Sure. You can also tweet me and I’m on Facebook. But the most direct line is prayer.

85. TEXT MESSAGE “Please God, help me?”

86. TEXT MESSAGE “Please God, help me?” That’s music to my ears.

87. TEXT MESSAGE “Please God, help me?” That’s music to my ears. This may sound silly, but do you have a certain name I should call you? Different religions have different names for you.

88. TEXT MESSAGE Good question. Yes, I prefer Dave.

89. TEXT MESSAGE Good question. Yes, I prefer Dave. Uh…Dave? Seriously?

90. TEXT MESSAGE Good question. Yes, I prefer Dave. Uh…Dave? Seriously? Yes. Call me that and I’ll show you why.

91. TEXT MESSAGE Good question. Yes, I prefer Dave. Uh…Dave? Seriously? Yes. Call me that and I’ll show you why. Um…okay. Hey, Dave!

92. TEXT MESSAGE Dave’s not here! LOL!

93. TEXT MESSAGE Dave’s not here! LOL! Wow. So God likes Cheech & Chong? With that and the fantasy football thing, my image of you is blown.

94. TEXT MESSAGE Dave’s not here! LOL! Wow. So God likes Cheech & Chong? With that and the fantasy football thing, my image of you is blown. Sorry, I couldn’t resist. Oh, and I was just kidding about Drew Brees earlier.

95. TEXT MESSAGE Well, I better go now. My fingers are getting sore from all this texting. Maybe I’ll go to a meeting.

96. TEXT MESSAGE Well, I better go now. My fingers are getting sore from all this texting. Maybe I’ll go to a meeting. Cool. I’ll go with you.

97. TEXT MESSAGE THE END