1. COMMUNICATION CLIMATE
Relationships = Weather
fair & warm
stormy & cold
polluted
clear & healthy
Key to Positive Relationships

2. What are the features of satisfying personal relationships?
Investment
Commitment
Trust
Self-disclosure
Comfort with Relational Dialectics
Autonomy/Connection
Novelty/Prediction
Openness/Closedness

3. Negotiating Dialectical Tensions
Four Ways:
Neutralization-negotiate a balance b/t needs
Selection-give priority to one over the other
Separation-assign each to other spheres of interaction
Reframing-redefine contradictory needs not in opposition

4. What makes communication climates positive or negative?
The degree to which people feel valued by one another
Confirming Communication=messages conveying value
Disconfirming Communication=messages conveying lack of regard

5. Levels of Message Confirm & Disconfirm Disagree Confirm Impervious
Disagree
Confirm
Impervious
Aggressive
Interrupt
Complain
Irrelevant
Argumentative
Tangential
Recognize
Impersonal
Acknow-ledge
Ambiguous
Endorse
Incongruous
Least Value
Most Value

6. Disconfirming Messages-7 types
Impervious: no acknowledgement of other’s message
Interrupting: speak before other finishes
Irrelevant: comment unrelated to what other just said
Tangential: “take-away”-shift to different topic
Impersonal: cliché
Ambiguous: more than one meaning
Incongruous: contradicting messages

7. Disagreeing Messages- “You’re wrong”
Aggressive: most destructive, attacks other’s self-concept-name calling, put-downs, sarcasm, taunting, yelling, badgering
Complaining: desire to note dissatisfaction/not argue
Argumentativeness: defending while attacking

8. Confirming Messages
Recognition: most fundamental-return hellos, return an or phone message
Acknowledgment: interested in ideas & feelings of others-stronger form of confirm-Listening most common-asking questions, paraphrasing, reflecting
Endorsement: agreeing with other/find other’s ideas important, communicating the highest form of valuing-also, praising & complimenting

9. Defensiveness-Face-Threatening
Distorting Critical Information
Rationalization
Compensation
Regression
Avoiding Dissonant Information
Physical avoidance
Repression
Apathy
Displacement

10. Gibb’s Categories-Useful Tools
Evaluation vs Description
Judgments, “you” language vs description of behavior using “I” language
-You don’t know what you’re talking about! vs
-I don’t understand how you came up with that idea.
-Those jokes are disgusting!
-When you tell those off-color jokes, I get really embarrassed.

11. More Gibb Control vs Problem-Orientation
Imposing a solution with little regard of other vs
Finding a solution that satisfies both
There’s only one way to handle this problem… vs
Looks like we have a problem. Let’s work out a solution we can both live with.

12. More Gibb Strategy vs Spontaneity
Hiding ulterior motives vs being honest w/o manipulation
Tom and Judy go out to dinner every week. vs
I’d like to go out to dinner more often.

13. More Gibb Neutrality vs Empathy
Indifference vs accepting/putting self in other’s place
That’s what happens when you don’t plan properly. vs
Ouch—looks like this didn’t turn out the way you expected.

14. More Gibb Superiority vs Equality
I am better than you messages vs others have worth
You don’t know what you’re talking about. vs
I see it a different way.

15. More Gibb Certainty vs Provisionalism
Dogmatism, I’m right vs changeable/reasonable
That will never work. vs
I think you’ll run into problems with that approach.

16. Saving Face ASSERTIVE MESSAGE FORMAT
Behavioral description-should be objective-just the facts
“Chris has acted differently over the last week. I cannot remember her laughing once since the dinner party. She hasn’t dropped by my place like she usually does, hasn’t suggested we play tennis and has not returned by phone calls.”
Interpretation-meaning you have attached to behavior
“Something must be bothering Chris. It’s probably her family. She’ll probably just feel worse if I keep pestering her.”
“Chris is probably mad at me. It’s probably because I kidded her about losing so often at tennis. I’d better leave her alone until she cools off.”

17. More Assertive Message Format
Feeling statement-this adds a new dimension to message
“When you laugh at me, I think you find my comments foolish, and I feel embarrassed.”
Remember not to use counterfeit phrasing-I feel you’re wrong or I feel like leaving…
Intention statement-where you stand, requests and future action
“When I didn’t hear from you last night, I thought you were mad at me. I’ve been thinking about it ever since, and I’m still worried. I’d like to know whether your are angry.”

18. Responding Non-Defensively to Criticism
Seek more information
Ask for specifics
Guess about specifics
Paraphrase
Ask what the critic wants
Agree with the critic
Agree with the facts
Agree with the critic’s perception

19. Four Guidelines for creating healthy climates
Actively build confirming climates
Accept & confirm others
Affirm & assert yourself
Respect diversity in relationships

20. Using Descriptive Language
This paper is poorly done vs
This paper does not include relevant background information.
How might the following be directed at you?
You’re lazy.
I hate the way you dominate conversations with me.
Stop obsessing about the problem.
You’re too involved.

21. Communicating Assertively
I guess your preference for going to the party is more important than my studying.
I don’t need your permission to go out. I’ll do what I please.
I suppose I could work extra next week if you really need a loan.
I don’t like it when you spend time with Tim. Either stop seeing him, or we’re through.