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Dealing with Difficult People
Welcome Instructions: (p.1 in workbook) 1. Instruct participants to think of a person they have difficulty working with and list specific characteristics of that person on a piece of paper. 2. After three minutes, have participants think of a person they like to work with and have them list characteristics of that person. • What characteristics did you list regarding the person you like working with? • What are some of the characteristics you listed regarding the person you dislike working with? • Do you think it’s fair to say that it’s easier to work with certain types of people than others? Why? • If you now understand the type of person with which you have difficulty working, do you think you could use that information to communicate more effectively? 4. Conclude this exercise by stating, “Today we are going to discuss different behavioral styles, and in some cases, we may not work as well with some styles as we do with others. By understanding the different styles, however, we can adapt our own style to communicate more effectively. Dealing with Difficult People
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Choices When Dealing with People
Communication Skills Choices When Dealing with People Stay and do nothing Leave Change your attitude Change your behavior You have 4 choices when dealing with people Stay and do nothing, which is the choice many make, and it may not be a bad choice Leave, especially when your values have been violated or the pain outweighs the gain Change your attitude Change your (not their!) behavior Takes work & a very intentional effort on your part
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Principles of Effective Communication
Communication Skills Principles of Effective Communication Have a direction Pay attention to the pattern of the communication Be flexible Commit to a solution Communication with physicians, co-workers etc can be one of the most challenging parts of your workday. At one time or another, we’ve had to maintain a conversation with someone who is defensive, a poor listener, or a discussion dominator. Essential communication skills will increase our effectiveness in dealing with the difficult person. Going into a difficult conversation: There are 4 principles of effective communication Have a direction (know what you want, not just what you don’t want) Pay attention to the pattern of the communication Be flexible - you may need to change your approach as the conversation unfolds – based on their response (defensiveness, blaming, attacking, withdrawal, etc) Commit to a solution with them. You need commitment when dealing with a difficult person.
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Influence Others and Maximize Results
The Platinum Rule “Do unto others as they want to be done unto.” The key to being a more effective communicator is learning and following “The Platinum Rule—“Do unto others as they want to be done unto.” By knowing your style and being able to identify the style of others, you can adapt your style to communicate more successfully. To deal with difficult people, you must analyze how you behave with other people and how they behave with others.
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Identify Your Communication Style and Understand Others
Task Focused Get It Right Get It Done Passive Aggressive This is a simple model to illustrate 4 basic communication styles. You must identify relative levels of assertiveness and task vs. people focus. The horizontal arrow displays a range of in the level of assertiveness that an individual displays. A person at the extreme left is considered passive (introverted) and a person at the far right is considered aggressive (extroverted). A vertical arrow indicates a range in the tendency of people to be either focused on tasks or focused on people. A person at the top is extremely task-focused and a person at the bottom is extremely people-oriented. Each of the four quadrants describes an “intent” that strongly influences people’s behavior to Get It Done – Task efficiency, short & to the point, “Cliff or Sparks Notes” version (rulers, directors, drivers) Get It Right – detail, analytical, process (analyzers, thinkers) Get Appreciated – great motivators, want to be acknowledged and are relational (entertainers, socializers, persuaders, expressives) Get Along – don’t care about you get from point “A” to “B” as long as everyone is happy (relators, supporters, enablers) There is a large zone of normal, reasonable behavior in each quadrant. Who has taken the Emotional Intelligence class? In that class studies have shown that Emotional Intelligence is a predictor of success. In this model, the closer to the middle you are – the higher your EQ is. When a person’s behavior goes outside the reasonable zone, challenges arise. Going back to the Platinum Rule – “treat people how they want to be treated” – if you were sending an you might consider: Get It Done - bullet points Get It Right – expand on discussion points to explain logic, process, background thinking Get Appreciated - Note an accomplishment or strength to tie in with information Get Along – don’t send with dot points – think you’re mad at them. Be sure to include a little personal note Get Along Get Appreciated People Focused
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Identify Your Communication Type
Table Activity Identify Your Communication Type Identify 2 strengths of that style Identify 2 weaknesses of that style Be prepared to report out in 10 min Activity: Round robin discussion on what category you fall in. Discuss pros & cons of that communication style (Get It Done, Get It Right, Get Appreciated or Get Along) Let’s explore the 4 different styles and what happens when the behavior goes outside of the “Normal Zone”
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“Get It Done” Behavior Characteristics Focus on tasks
Intend to “get it done” Focused, direct, blunt Communicate directly & to the point Behavior Characteristics of Get It Done people Focus on tasks Intend to “get it done” Focused, direct, blunt Communicate directly & to the point
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“Get It Done” Strengths Decisive Get Things Done Confident
Ask Group first then reveal answers: Strengths of Get It Done people Decisive Get Things Done Confident
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“Get It Done” Weaknesses Intimidate Alienate people
Use force instead of cooperation Ask Group first then reveal answers: Weaknesses Intimidates Alienates People Use force instead of cooperation Misperceptions: Could be the force of their personality that intimidates. They are passionate and confident. They need to work on being more “People-oriented”
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When under pressure, “Get It Done” people tend to
Raise their voice Bully & take pot shots at others Behave arrogantly Read slide
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“Get It Done” Don'ts Spend too much time on one issue
Come in unprepared Sit “on the fence” (“No” is acceptable) Show a lack of focus Ineffective Behaviors for dealing with “Get It Done” people” Spend too much time on one issue Come in unprepared Sit “on the fence” (“No” is acceptable) Show a lack of focus – don’t go off on tangents
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“Get It Done” Do’s Get to the point Businesslike approach
Be task-oriented Understand and support their goals Effective Behaviors when dealing with a Get It Done person Get to the point “To move us both closer to our goals, I’m proposing that we_____.” Be businesslike “To accomplish this would require that we ____.” (Be specific about your needs, and back it up with facts). Be task-oriented “I believe that we can meet your goal of ________and my goal of ______ by _____ (date) if we follow this plan. Now to continue with what I was saying.” Understand and support their goals “Emily, I understand that your goal for this issue is______, and I support you on____.” (Find a point of agreement to build upon) Give an aggressive person an alternative to direct conflict; Give them an out….and the last word!
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Dealing with EXTREME “Get It Done” Behavior
TANKS This is an example of an extreme Get It Done behavior – (link in title EXTREME) show clip of Bobby Knight throwing chair A. Tanks ‘Get It Done, Tank People” are motivated by an intense need to get things done and are extremely task-oriented. When obstacles get in the way, they resort to an attack-mode. Many times the attacks are not personal – you just happen to be in the line of fire
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Dealing with Extreme “Get It Done” Behavior
Best Ways to Communicate Stand your ground: Hold your position Tanks don’t stop for those they don’t respect Might need to state “Excuse me I haven’t finished” to interrupt the interruptions Be calm until tirade runs down Focus on the bottom line – look at the underlying problem Offer peace with honor Best ways to communicate with a Get It Done Tank include: Stand your ground – hold your position. Tanks don’t stop for those they don’t respect. Might need to state “Excuse me I haven’t finished” to interrupt the interruptions Be calm until tirade runs down Focus on the bottom line – look at the underlying problem Offer peace with honor - Give an aggressive person an alternative to direct conflict; Give them an out….and the last word!
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Dealing with Extreme “Get It Done” Behavior
KNOW-IT-ALLS C. Know-It-Alls “Get-It- Done, Know-It-Alls” are highly competent and knowledgeable people – they do know their stuff. They are assertive and excel in presenting their viewpoints. Since they are driven to “get it done” they tend to be extremely controlling and demonstrate minimal tolerance for correction and differences in opinions. Their way is the right way – end of story.
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Dealing with Extreme “Get It Done” Behavior
Best Ways to Communicate Know your stuff – be prepared if possible Need to open your mind to new ideas with them Backtrack with respect Present alternative viewpoints indirectly – plant seeds since you can’t tell them what to do Direct the “Know-It-All” into a mentoring opportunity Best ways to communicate with a Get It Done Know-It–All include Know your stuff – be prepared if possible Need to open your mind to new ideas with them – they know their stuff! Backtrack with respect Present alternative viewpoints indirectly – plant seeds since you can’t tell them what to do Direct the “Know-It-All” into a mentoring opportunity – place them in an situation where their knowledge & expertise will be appreciated and respected
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“Get It Right” Behavior Characteristics Focus on tasks
Intend to “get it right” Pay attention to details, think systematically Need to be correct Communicate indirectly and detailed Get It Right People Behavior Characteristics Focus on tasks Intend to “get it right” Pay attention to details, thinks systematically Need to be correct Communicate indirectly and detailed
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“Get It Right” Strengths Accurate Fact finder Precise Organized
Solicit Group’s feedback 1st then discuss: Strengths Accurate Fact finder Precise Organized
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“Get It Right” Weaknesses Stubborn Boring Unimaginative Change Stifler
Solicit Group’s feedback 1st then discuss: Weaknesses Stubborn Boring Unimaginative Change Stifler Is there a “right” way to place the toilet paper roll? For “Get It Right” people the answer is “Yes”!! Has to come over the top (or visa versa). It’s not the same as neatness.
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“Get It Right” people tend to
When Under Pressure (i.e. when not feeling like they are getting it right) “Get It Right” people tend to Become silent Flee or withdraw Exhibit negative behavior When under pressure (i.e. when not feeling like they are getting it right), “Get It Right” people tend to Become silent Flee or withdraw Exhibit negative behavior
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“Get It Right” Don’ts Do’s Show lack of attention to detail
Be inconsistent Be disorganized Be overly emotional Do’s Know your stuff Schedule time – make an appointment Use facts, logic, structure Proceed step-by-step Don’ts - Ineffective Behaviors for dealing with “Get It Right” people Show lack of attention to detail Be inconsistent Be disorganized Be overly emotional Do’s - Effective Behaviors in dealing with “Get It Right” people Know your stuff – research your recommendations carefully. Get it Right people are often subject experts and to deal on their level you need to earn their respect Schedule time – make an appointment Use facts, logic, structure Proceed step-by-step – John I’d like to explain to you how I came up with this information, First I _____
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Dealing with Extreme “Get It Right” Behavior
NO PEOPLE Video clip: Big Bang perfectionist No People “Get It Right, No People” are task-oriented and extremely motivated to “get it right” by avoiding any mistakes. Negativity rears its head when others prevent perfection. Many times they unintentionally say and respond in ways that squelch hope and creativity in others.
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Dealing with Extreme “Get It Right” Behavior
Best Ways to Communicate Let them voice concerns and use them as a resource Clarify to reduce generalizations Best ways to communicate with Get It Right, No People include: Let them voice concerns and use them as a resource Backtrack to address their concerns. i.e. “John you’re right about _____. According to ____ (cite your source), my proposal takes your concern into consideration by ____ (explain how your plan addresses the Get It Right person’s concern). Clarify to reduce generalizations Some things to say…… “I’d like to know what you fear? I’d like to know what your fear is?” “It’s been a year since he’s had any problem. What is the current worry?” “Would you be willing to compromise?”
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Dealing with Extreme “Get It Right” Behavior
COMPLAINERS “Get It Right, Complainer People” have an insatiable need to “get it right.” When perfection is not achieved, they verbalize their frustration with what’s wrong by complaining. Generally, they are not equipped to offer suggestions to correct the problem or deal effectively with what they do not like.
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Dealing with Extreme “Get It Right” Behavior
Best Ways to Communicate Listen carefully to their areas for concern Direct efforts toward a solution Move them into the “problem-solving” mode step-by-step Provide information that answers “who, what, where, why and how” Best ways to communicate with “Get It Right, Complainers” : Listen carefully to their areas for concern Direct efforts toward a solution Move them into the “problem-solving” mode step-by-step Provide information that answers “who, what, where, why and how” Some things to say….. “Bring me a solution to this problem.” “Let me make sure I understand your problem….(paraphrase).” “Let’s come up with a plan.” “What would you like to get out of this discussion? What do you want to walk away with?”
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“Get Appreciated” Behavior Characteristics Focus on people
Intend to “get appreciated” Display creativity, warmth, charisma, and energy Communicate directly and elaborately Get Appreciated People Behavior Characteristics: Focus on people Intend to “get appreciated” Display creativity, warmth, charisma, and energy Communicate directly and elaborately
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“Get Appreciated” Strengths Weaknesses People-oriented Persuasive
Verbal skills Optimistic Weaknesses Egotistical Lack follow through Flakey Disorganized Strengths (Solicit Group’s feedback 1st) People-oriented Persuasive Verbal skills Optimistic Weaknesses (Solicit Group’s feedback 1st) Egotistical Lack follow through - Big picture people Flakey - “Pie in the sky” perception Disorganized - Big picture, Easily distracted
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“Get Appreciated” When “Under Pressure” Talk more loudly and quickly
Throw tantrums Exaggerate When under pressure, “Get Appreciated” people tend to Talk more loudly and quickly Throw tantrums Exaggerate
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“Get Appreciated” Don’ts
Be rigid in thinking (these are free spirits!) Show a lack of challenge Give too many details Follow the rules blindly Ineffective Behaviors for dealing with “Get Appreciated” people” Rigid thinking (these are free spirits!) Lack of challenge Too many details Follow the rules blindly
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“Get Appreciated” Do’s Allow flexibility Be enthusiastic Let them talk
Use demonstrations (visual people) Effective Behaviors for dealing with “Get Appreciated” people” Be flexible - Choose a time when the Get Appreciated person is relaxed and open to discussion. Be enthusiastic - Remember, these individuals seek appreciation. Begin your conversation with a sincere statement about something they do that you like “Jane, I want you to know how much it means to me that you _____.” Then, when they’re feeling appreciated, describe the problem behavior that you’ve observed. “I also notice that when ______ happens, you get very upset.” Let them talk - By now your Get Appreciated person should be feeling appreciated and open to sharing thoughts with you. Make this person feel even more understood by backtracking and clarifying. Let your Get Appreciated person “vent” until the story begins to repeat itself. Use demonstrations (visual people) - Remember, Get Appreciated people like drama. While discussing possible solutions to avoid situations that will cause this individual to feel unappreciated, use demonstrations and examples that will make the discussion more “real.” For example, start this part of your conversation with something like, “Let’s imagine that you are starting to feel upset because someone hasn’t appreciated your efforts…”
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Dealing with Extreme “Get Appreciated” Behavior
THINK THEY KNOW-IT-ALL PEOPLE Video clip: “The Office” – Michael Scott, the boss, is describing his leadership – drama and self aggrandizing Think They Know- It-All People “Get Appreciated Think–They-Know-It -All People” have a ravenous desire to be appreciated. These individuals are aggressive and extremely people-focused. They use others as their source of attention and appreciation. This behavior frequently turns people off and the result is even less appreciation. Generally don’t know what they are talking about.
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Dealing with Extreme “Get Appreciated” Behavior
Best Ways to Communicate Ask for specifics Tell it like it is Give credit when due Give them an out Use third-party documentation Best ways to communicate with “Get Appreciated Think–They-Know-It -All People” include: (Give their bad thinking the “hook”) Ask for specifics Tell it like it is Give credit when due Give them an out Use third-party documentation
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“Get Along” Behavior Characteristics Focus on people
Intend to “get along” Behave in an agreeable, personable, friendly, caring and helpful manner Need to be liked Communicate indirectly and considerately Behavior Characteristics Focus on people Intend to “get along” Behave in an agreeable, personable, friendly, caring and helpful manner Need to be liked Communicate indirectly and considerately
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“Get Along” Strengths Weaknesses Likeable Loyal Team Player Patient
Indecisive Waste Time Overly Emotional Illogical Decisions Strengths (Solicit Group’s feedback 1st) Likeable Loyal Team Player Patient Weaknesses (Solicit Group’s feedback 1st) Indecisive - may know what to do but don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings Wasted Time Overly Emotional Illogical decisions – Based on “How is everyone going to feel about this?” Warm & comforting like a “fire on a cold night”
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“Get Along” When “Under Pressure” Submit Accommodate
Exhibit passive-aggressive behavior When under pressure, “Get Along” people tend to Submit Accommodate Exhibit passive-aggressive behavior
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“Get Along” Don’ts Ignore feelings Force a decision
Be too intense or formal Threaten Fail to recognize the “people” aspect Ineffective Behaviors for dealing with “Get Along” people” Ignore feelings Force a decision Be too intense or formal Threaten Fail to recognize the “people” aspect
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“Get Along” Do’s Be casual and sincere Slow down and listen
Make honesty safe Set goals Build it up – strengthen the relationship Effective Behaviors for dealing with “Get Along” people” Be casual and sincere - Reinforce your interest in getting along with this individual. “Robert, I really enjoy _____ with you, and because of that, I’m hoping we can find a way to make this happen more smoothly.” Slow down and listen - Give your Get Along person a chance to tell how they’re feeling about the issue. Ask clarifying questions until you understand their perspective well. Make honesty safe (it’s all about the relationship) - Be open and patient. “Our relationship is important to me. I really want to hear what you think about this issue, good or bad.” Set goals - Work with your Get Along person to set goals that will improve the relationship. “Based on what you’re telling me, it sounds like what we need to do is ______. How does that sound to you?” Once you’ve decided on something mutually acceptable, confirm and reconfirm. Build it up – strengthen the relationship. Reinforce to your Get Along person how important it is to you that you both continue to get along. “It sounds like this may work better for both of us, and I’m so glad. It’s really important to me that we _____ well together.”
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Dealing with Extreme “Get Along” Behavior
“YES” PEOPLE Video clip: “When I grow up” commercial (I want to underachieve) A. Yes People “Get Along Yes People” have an extremely high desire to “get along” with others. “Get Along Yes People” will agree with or say “yes” to almost anything so everyone gets along. These individuals frequently over-commit and fall short on the results promised. Confronting or blaming “Yes People” generally perpetuates the “yes” behavior. They don’t want you not to like them. Can’t say “no”
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Dealing with Extreme “Get Along” Behavior
Best Ways to Communicate Encourage honesty Make honesty safe Assist in making realistic commitments Ensure commitments – may need a little micro-managing Strengthen the relationship – need people/people time Best ways to communicate with “Get Along Yes People” include: Encourage honesty – so they can tell you what’s going on Make honesty safe Assist in making realistic commitments Help to focus on task Help to plan and decide Ensure commitments – may need a little micro-managing Strengthen the relationship – need people/people time Over & above the time working on “issues” Things to say….. “Tell me the pros & cons systematically. I’m really interested to hear your perspective.” “I appreciate your wanting to help, yet it’s still not done. Maybe we can work together to plan how to complete these tasks in a timely manner.” “Do you really have time for that? How can I help you?”
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Dealing with Difficult Behavior
Activity Volunteer – 1 per table Your team is in charge of planning the next Annual State Meeting 10 min to plan the “ideal” day Activity: “Get It Right” Without revealing activity yet state “Before you get started I need one volunteer/table to come up front for some special instructions. Please bring your handout.” Give each person a role to play during the meeting. Let them ask questions and review info in handouts about their “behavior” before returning to the table At your tables, discuss the following: “Your group is in charge of planning the next annual state meeting” Choose a facilitator and plan the “ideal” day Location Topics Speakers “Remember – during this exercise you will use the information we just covered to deal effectively difficult person that might be on your team. Please practice & don’t ignore them! Plan for 10 min then debrief on the “Extreme” behavior
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