1. “The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place” – George Bernard Shaw

2. CRUCIAL Conversations
TOOLS FOR TALKING WHEN
STAKES ARE HIGH

3. What is a Crucial Conversation?

5. Examples: Ending a relationship
Talking to a coworker who behaves offensively or makes suggestive comments
Asking a friend to repay a loan
Giving the boss feedback about her behavior
Approaching a boss who is breaking his own safety or quality policies
Critiquing a colleague’s work
Asking a roommate to move out
Giving an unfavorable performance review
Asking in-laws to quit interfering

6. Why do we need to hold these conversations?
Research; 20 year, 100 people
Key to being effective leaders, teammates, parents
Capacity to skillfully address emotionally and politically risky issues

7. How do we typically handle crucial conversations?
To Tell the Truth
Fool’s choice
We are conditioned to being ‘nice’ and to think that we can’t be honest and respectful at the same time
Consider between two bad alternatives
Speak up and hurt the relationship or feelings
Keep silent and never express the issue where it needs to be expressed

8. “Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter” – Martin Luther King Jr.

9. What is a pool of shared meaning?
Dialogue – the free flow of meaning between two or more people
“Each of us enters a conversation with our own opinions, feelings, theories and experiences about a topic at hand. This unique combination of thoughts and feelings makes up our personal pool of meaning. This pool not only informs us but also propels our every action. When two or more of us enter crucial conversations, by definition, we don’t share the same pool. Our opinions differ. I believe one thing; you another. I have one history; you another.” (Crucial Conversations, pg. 24)

10. “The pool of shared meaning is a birthplace of synergy” (pg. 25)
“As individuals are exposed to more accurate and relevant information, they make better choices” (pg. 24)
“Not only does a shared pool help individuals make better choices, but since the meaning is shared, people willingly act on whatever decisions they make—with both unity and conviction.” (pg. 25)
How does the pool of meaning both motivate and enable people to make better choices?

11. “Speak when you’re angry and you’ll make the best speech you will ever regret” – Ambrose Bierce

12. How to stay focused on what you really want
Start with Heart
How to stay focused on what you really want

13. Focus on what you really want
Story
Crucial Questions
Awkward Performance Review
Q. Why is it important to stay focused on what we want?
What am I acting like I really want?
What do I really want?
For me?
For others?
For the relationship?
How would I behave if I really did want this?
Q. What motive might affect Melanie’s ability to stay in dialogue if she’s not careful?
Focus on what you really want

14. Refuse the fool’s choice
Consider between two bad alternatives
Crucial Questions
Speak up and hurt the relationship or feelings OR
Keep silent and never express the issue where it needs to be expressed
What do I not want?
How do I go about getting what I really want and avoiding what I don’t want?
Refuse the fool’s choice

15. How to notice when safety is at risk
Learn to Look
How to notice when safety is at risk

16. Look for when the conversation becomes crucial
Q. How can you tell when a conversation turns from routine to crucial?
Emotional
Scared
Hurt
Angry
Beginning to react or to suppress these feelings
Behavioral
Raising their voice
Pointing their finger
Becoming very quiet
Q. What cues can you use to recognize that your brain is beginning to disengage and you’re at risk for moving away from healthy dialogue
Look for when the conversation becomes crucial

17. Look for safety problems
Silence or Violence are signs that people are feeling unsafe
Silence
Masking
Sarcasm
Sugarcoating
Couching
Avoiding
Withdrawing
Violence
Controlling
Labelling
Attacking
Crucial Questions
Are others going to silence or violence?

18. Look for your own ‘Style under Stress’
What is your ‘Style Under Stress’?
Crucial Questions
Am I going to Silence or Violence?
Look for your own ‘Style under Stress’

19. How to make it safe to talk about almost anything

20. Two Conditions of Safety
Mutual Purpose – The Entrance Condition
Mutual Respect – The Continuance Condition
Crucial Questions
Do others believe I care about their goals in this conversation?
Do they trust my motives?
Do others believe I respect them?
“Mutual Purpose means that others perceive that you’re working towards a common outcome in the conversation, that you care about their goals, interests and values. And vice versa. You believe they care about yours. Consequently, Mutual Purpose is the entry condition of dialogue. Find a shared goal, and you have both a good reason and a healthy climate for talking.” (pg. 77)
‘Mutual Respect is the continuance condition of dialogue. As people perceive that others don’t respect them, the conversation immediately becomes unsafe and dialogue comes to a screeching halt.” (pg. 79)
Two Conditions of Safety

21. What can you do to rebuild safety?
Apologize when appropriate
Contrast to fix misunderstanding
Q. What role does an apology play in restoring safety?
Q. What is Contrasting? When people misunderstand your purpose or respect, how can Contrasting help?
“When you have made a mistake that has hurt others, start with an apology. An apology is a statement that sincerely expresses your sorrow for your role in causing – or at least not preventing – pain or difficulty to others.” (pg. 84)
Don’t/do statement
Contrasting is not apologizing, it is to provide context and proportion
What can you do to rebuild safety?

22. Role Plays

23. Contrasting is a don’t/do statement that:
Addresses others’ conclusions that you don’t respect them or that you have a malicious purpose (the don’t part).
Confirms your respect or clarifies your real purpose (the do part).
Example: “I don’t want you to think I’m saying that I can’t count on you. I find you to be quite reliable. I do, however, have concerns over what happened with yesterday’s deadline.”

24. What to do in situations where we have different purposes?
Create a Mutual Purpose – CRIB
Commit to Seek Mutual Purpose
Recognize the Purpose behind the Strategy
Invent a Mutual Purpose
Brainstorm New Strategies 1 2 3 4

25. How would you restore safety?
Mutual Respect
How would you restore safety?
One Possible Solution

26. How to stay in dialogue when you’re angry, scared or hurt
Master my stories
How to stay in dialogue when you’re angry, scared or hurt

27. The Path to Action
See and Hear
Tell a Story
Feel
Act

28. Skills for Mastering Our Stories
Retrace my Path to Action 01 02 03 04
Skills for Mastering Our Stories

29. Retrace my Path to Action
SEE/HEAR
Get back to the facts
Crucial Question
What evidence do I have to support this story?
TELL
Analyze your stories
Crucial Question
What story is creating these emotions?
FEEL
Get in touch with your feelings
Crucial Question
What emotions are encouraging me to act this way?
ACT
Notice your behavior
Crucial Question
Am I in some form of silence or violence?

30. Skills for Mastering Our Stories01
Retrace my Path to Action 02
Separate Fact from Story 03
Watch for Three Clever Stories 04
Skills for Mastering Our Stories

31. “There’s Nothing Else I Can Do”
Three Clever Stories
Victim Stories
Villain Stories
Helpless Stories
“Its Not My Fault”
“Its All Your Fault”
“There’s Nothing Else I Can Do”

32. Skills for Mastering Our Stories01
Retrace my Path to Action
Separate Fact from Story 02
Watch for Three Clever Stories 03 04
Tell the Rest of the Story
Skills for Mastering Our Stories

33. Tell the Rest of the Story
Turn victims into actors
Villains into humans
Helpless into able
Crucial Question
Am I pretending to not know my role in the problem?
Crucial Question
Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do what this person is doing?
Crucial Question
What do I really want?
What would I do right now if I really did want these results?

34. How to speak persuasively, not abrasively
S.t.a.t.e. my path
How to speak persuasively, not abrasively

35. S T A T E Share your facts. Tell your story. Ask for others’ paths.
Start with the least controversial, most persuasive elements from your Path to Action. T
Tell your story.
Explain what you are beginning to conclude. A
Ask for others’ paths.
Encourage others to share both their facts and their stories. T
Talk tentatively.
State your story as a story – Don’t disguise it as a fact. E
Encourage testing.
Make it safe for others to express differing or even opposing views.

36. The Debate

37. Role Plays

38. How to stay listen when others blow up or clam up
Explore others’ path
How to stay listen when others blow up or clam up

39. A M P P Ask to get things rolling Mirror to confirm feelings
Start by simply expressing interests in the other person’s views M
Mirror to confirm feelings
Increase safety by respectfully acknowledging the emotions appear to be feeling P
Paraphrase to acknowledge the story
As others begin to share part of their story, restate what you’ve heard to show not just what you understand, but also that it’s safe for them to share what they’re thinking P
Prime when you’re getting nowhere
If others continue to hold back, prime. Take your best guess what they may be thinking and feeling.

40. A B C Agree when you agree. Start with an area of agreement.
If you agree with what has been said but the information is incomplete, build. Point out areas of agreement, and then add elements that were left out of the discussion. B
When you don’t agree, rather than suggesting he or she is wrong, suggest that you differ. Compare your two views. C

41. Role Plays

42. How to turn crucial conversations into actions and results
Move to action
How to turn crucial conversations into actions and results

43. Decide how you’ll decide
Command
Decisions are made without involving others
Consult
Input is gathered from the group and then a subset decides
Vote
An agreed-upon percentage swings the decision
Consensus
Everyone comes to an agreement and then supports the final decision

44. Document decisions and follow-up
Who will do what by when?
How and when will we follow up?