1. Affair Recovery: It Doesn’t Have to be the End
Matt Sessoms, MA, LPC, LMFT, CST

2. Estimates for Affairs extend from high percentages to low percentages
Some say as high as 80% of all couples will experience an affair within their relationship
Other estimates say as low as 1 in 4 men and 1 in 5 women will have an affair during the life of their relationship with a spouse
Accuracy depends on definition of “affair”
Prevalence

3. Not an easy task… who gets to define that an affair has actually occurred?
Social considerations? Spiritual issues? Relational Expectations?
It is not uncommon to run into: “He or she had an affair!” to which the accused partner states “It wasn’t an affair!”
Dictionary.com – Adulterate: Render something poorer in quality by adding another substance, typically an inferior one
Physical, emotional, Fantasy/Electronic, Sexual, or Financial?
How deep is the subjective distress? Distress most likely based on an elevated view of the marriage or relationship – key to understanding trauma
Helpful view: Relational Trauma Centered in Trust Loss
Defining Affairs

4. 5 Phases of an Affair Doug Rosenau, Celebration of Sex, 2002 Inception
Prediscovery
Discovery
Recovery
Resolution
5 Phases of an Affair

5. Treatment Focal Points
Neutrality of the therapist toward both spouses
Must not favor the offended or become defender of the offender
Identify and maintain the choice for the affair behavior is with the offending spouse
Focus on the conflict process and not conflict resolution; Redevelop the communication system; Give skills for home
Sexual Intimacy may take time to redevelop – no rush
Heal from the Trauma individually and as a couple and then make a new marriage
Treatment Focal Points

6. Treatment Focal Points (continued)
Spouse who had the affair most always heals faster
Establish hope – The Outcome of Most Affair Recovery is a better marriage
Guide through Grief and Confusion
When crisis has passed, begin to deal with the “cancer”
STD screening immediately even if just oral sex or one night stand; protection involved – doesn’t matter
Trust Bucket
Cast a vision for the future
Treatment Focal Points (continued)

7. Individual Concerns of Each Spouse
Ensure that each spouse takes care of themselves – proper self care, personal responsibility for healing, and adequate coping techniques… community support
Assess for addictions or co-dependency
Pathway for offender – Become Trustworthy
Pathway for the Non-offending – Become Trust Giving
Individual Concerns of Each Spouse

8. Example of Treatment Approach
Semi-Narrative Approach – Dr. Stephen Levin
“Infidelity” Handbook of Clinical Sexuality for Mental Health Professionals, 2010; Ch. 6
The role of therapist – Assist client in revealing internal distress
Therapist again is neutral toward spouses and outcomes
Assist clients in expressing and personalizing meaning of affair
Heightened focus on the “Crisis of the Betrayed;” Special focus on the “Mind” of the Betrayer
Write a new story; Redefine Life Structures
Example of Treatment Approach

9. Parts of this presentation are available in person through the Institute of Sexual Wholeness
“Counseling Infidelity” Lecture By Dr. Mike Sytsma, Spring 2015
Celebration of Sex, Dr. Doug Rosenau, 2002
Handbook of Clinical Sexuality for Mental Health Professionals, 2010, Ed. By Stephen Levin and Candace Risen
Dave Carder “Torn Asunder” and “Close Calls”
Debbie Laaser “Shattered Vows”
Mark Laaser “Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction”
J Carlson and L Sperry “Recovering Intimacy in Love Relationships,” 2010
Resources