1. ICR 1.4 Summarize principles of healthy dating
Dating and Power
Common Core Standard
ICR 1.4 Summarize principles of healthy dating
ICR 1.5 Explain how power and control in relationships can contribute to aggression and violence
You have arrived our lesson on dating and power. When you finish this lesson you should be able to summarize the principles of healthy dating and explain how power and control in relationships can contribute to aggression and violence. Let’s get started!

2. Think about it… What are the principles of healthy dating?
How do power and control in a relationship contribute to aggression and violence?
You have arrived at our lesson on dating and power. When you finish this lesson you should be able to summarize the principles of healthy dating and explain how power and control in relationships can contribute to aggression and violence. Let’s get started!

3. Dating Principles Part One
Define your expectations
Put yourself out there
Be selective
Make a good first impression
Be interested and interesting
The first dating principle we will discuss is defining your expectations. Why are you dating? What are you looking for? Do you want a lifetime commitment, or do you want to live completely in the moment? Whether or not you're seeking a commitment can make a difference in how you approach dating. If you're dating for fun and companionship, what matters most is how well you get along, right off the bat. If you're seeking a partner, you should be more willing to overlook initial shyness and awkwardness so that you can get to know a person over more than one date. Most of us are looking for a mixture of fun and commitment, but it's important to know where you stand so that you can figure out if your date is on the same page.
Second, put yourself out there by pursuing interests and activities that mean a lot to you. Look for local events or meetings that are likely to attract people with similar interests or passions. Be selective. Don't just date anyone who shows an inkling of interest in you. Despite what everyone says about not judging a book by its cover, people who are more discriminating tend to be seen as more desirable probably because having standards shows that you value yourself and aren't going for a date with whoever crosses your path. At the same time, you don't want to be too selective--if you keep holding out for the perfect person, you're guaranteed to miss out.
Making a good first impression means you will want this person to enjoy the date, but you also want them to enjoy you as an individual, so be considerate and charming without looking or acting like someone you're definitely not. People who do a very good job molding their behavior to other people's expectations actually tend to have less satisfying relationships. Remember to have good manners, turn off your phone and (the biggest NO NO of them all - don’t talk about past relationships.)
Be interested and interesting. Don’t exaggerate or boast about your credentials, successes, etc. Just tell them what you really enjoy in life, what gets you excited and what you want to leap out of bed to pursue. Ask them what they really love in life and what gets them excited. Feel the change in energy during this conversation and revel in it. Add humor and stay positive in your conversations.

4. Dating Principles Part Two
Avoid being smothering or obsessive
Be honest
Don’t try too hard and be spontaneous
Avoid being smothering or obsessive. People often say that love at first site does happen, however it is a good idea to not call, or text message more than once a day unless they reply. Continue with other activities and let them know you've got a life beyond dating. At the same time, don't get carried away with the "hard to get" act--the idea is to overcome any feeling that you "need" to call them, or you "need" to see them again, or you "need" this to work out. The difference between "needing" and "wanting" is patience.
Being honest means that if you are not ready to be in a committed relationship, let them know straight away so that you do not give them false hope. If you're just not interested in a relationship with them anymore, tell them so. Don't lead them on. Explain that you just don't see it going anywhere. Don't say that you want to be friends unless you actually want to be friends and spend time with this person on a regular basis. If you are interested in seeing this person more often, honesty is still a critical ingredient to a healthy relationship!
Don't try too hard and be spontaneous. Some people who date end up trying too hard. They just need to learn to relax and be original. If this relationship goes somewhere, leading to something deeper and more serious, your originality will hold great memories for the other half. We all appreciate the simple sweet gestures, or memories which are likely to bring warmth or a smile to our faces.

5. Signs of a bad relationship Part One
Apologizes and/or makes excuses for his/her partner's behavior.
Loses interest in activities that he/she used to enjoy.
Stops seeing friends and family members and becomes more and more isolated.
Casually mentions the partner's violent behavior, but laughs it off as a joke.
Often has unexplained injuries or the explanations often don't make sense.
There are many signs of a bad relationship and a person just needs to pay attention to see them. Often time's people in relationships make excuses for the bad things that are happening to them. Here are a few signs to look for.
Apologizes and/or makes excuses for his/her partner's behavior.
Loses interest in activities that he/she used to enjoy.
Stops seeing friends and family members and becomes more and more isolated.
Casually mentions the partner's violent behavior, but laughs it off as a joke.
Often has unexplained injuries or the explanations often don't make sense.

6. Signs of a Bad Relationship Part Two
Calls you names and puts you down in front of others.
Acts extremely jealous of others who pay attention to you.
Thinks or tells you that your parent (s), don't like them.
Controls behavior, checking up constantly, calling or texting
Demanding to know who you have been with.
A common characteristic of unhealthy and abusive relationships is the control that the abusive partner seeks to maintain in the relationship. This includes telling someone what to wear, where they can go, who they can hang out with, calling them names, humiliating them in front of others. Over time, the isolation from one's social network increases, as the abuser insists on spending time "just the two of us," and threatens to leave or cause harm if things do not go the way they want, "You must not love me." Creating this isolation and dissolution of one's social supports (loss of friends, disconnectedness from family) are hallmarks of controlling behaviors. In addition, abusers often monitor cell phones and s, and for example, may threaten harm if the response to a text message is not instant. Parents are rarely aware of such controlling tactics as these occur insidiously over time, and an adolescent may themselves not recognize the controlling, possessive behaviors as unhealthy. "They must love me because they just want to spend time with me."
In summary, more signs of a bad relationship include:
Calls you names and puts you down in front of others.
Acts extremely jealous of others who pay attention to you.
Thinks or tells you that your parent (s), don't like them.
Controls behavior, checking up constantly, calling or texting
Demanding to know who you have been with.

7. Dating Violence Physical Abuse- Slapping, hitting, rape, death
Mental/Emotional Abuse- Name calling, teasing, jealousy, stalking and controlling behavior
Nearly 1.5 million high school students nationwide experience physical abuse from a dating partner in a single year. Physical abuse is considered to be slapping, hitting, rape and death. Mental/Emotional abuse includes name calling, teasing, jealousy, stalking, and controlling behavior. One in three teens in the US is a victim of physical, emotional or verbal abuse from a dating partner, a figure that far exceeds rates of other types of youth violence. One in ten high school students has been purposefully hit, slapped or physically hurt by a boyfriend or girlfriend. One quarter of high school girls have been victims of physical or sexual abuse. Teen dating violence runs across race, gender, and socioeconomic lines. Both males and
females are victims, but boys and girls are abusive in different ways:
• Girls are more likely to yell, threaten to hurt themselves, pinch, slap, scratch, or kick;
• Boys injure girls more severely and frequently;
• Some teen victims experience violence occasionally;
• Others are abused more often…sometimes daily

8. Reasons People Have Bad or Violent Relationships?
Having sex –As a way to show love, control the other person, get rid of anger, punish someone else
Communication problems-Misunderstandings or poor communication skills
Alcohol or drug use- Accentuates violence and makes problems worse
Victims of Violence- Parental abuse set the example for how to treat their spouse/partner
Peer Influence- Friends who abuse their partners, encourage others to do the same.
Why do people have bad or violent relationships? There are many reasons, of course, but here are some of the primary causes of problems.
Having sex–As a way to show love, control the other person, get rid of anger, punish someone else
Communication problems-Misunderstandings or poor communication skills
Alcohol or drug use-Accentuates violence and makes problems worse
Victims of Violence-Parental abuse set the example for how to treat their spouse/partner
Peer Influence-Friends who abuse their partners, encourage others to do the same.
Here are some relationship statistics to be concerned about:
A study of 1,600 juvenile sexual assault offenders nationwide indicated that only around 33% of the juveniles perceived sex as a way to demonstrate love or caring for another person;
23.5% percent perceived sex as a way to feel power and control; 9.4% as a way to dissipate anger; 8.4% percent as a way to punish someone.
A University of Texas medical center study of new mothers, age 18 and younger, chronicled numerous reports of being slapped, hit, kicked or physically hurt by a husband or boyfriend. Most of the violent incidents occurred during the first three months after childbirth.
Both victims and abusers attribute the responsibility for violent dating behavior to victims, caused by: provocation by the girl; the victim’s personality type; the girl’s need for affection;
communication problems; and peer group influence. 77% of female and 67% of male high school students endorse some form of sexual coercion, including unwanted kissing, hugging, genital contact, and sexual intercourse.
More than half of both prison and jail inmates serving time for violence against an intimate partner were using drugs, alcohol or both at the time of the incident for which they were incarcerated.
The severity of violence among intimate partners has been shown to increase if the pattern has been established in adolescence.
Violent relationships in adolescence can have serious ramifications for victims: Many will continue to be abused in their adult relationships and are at a higher risk for substance abuse, eating disorders, risky sexual behavior, and suicide.

9. Good relationships have a balance of power between partners.
Here are some power issues that may come up in a relationship:
Being overly responsible for the relationship
Being overly available
Over focusing on others
Being overly forgiving
Repressing your feelings
Good relationships have a balance of power between partners. Here, we will look at some common power issues that may come up in a relationship.
The first power issue we will discuss is being overly responsible for the relationship. When you do most of the work in a relationship, you show the other that it's okay to do less and you risk eventually becoming burned out and resentful. Resist being the sole cheerleader for your relationship, constantly pointing out the good things and going out of your way in an effort to convince the other person to stick around. Avoid talking them out of their doubts regarding the relationship. Try instead to listen and really hear what they are saying, believe them and respond appropriately. In the best case, you both may be able to identify problems and address them. In the worst case, if you are not well-matched, it is better for you both to discover that as early as possible and move on to someone who is. Not everyone you like is going to be right for you.
Being overly available means that someone in your life consistently expects you to take care of their responsibilities at the drop of a hat, set a boundary. Being overly available sends the message that you don't have a life of your own, which is generally not an attractive quality to other people. Say "no" sometimes and let them know you have your own life to attend to. This way you will avoid a buildup of resentment and show them how to treat you in a way that is sustainable for the long term.
When someone routinely mistreats or neglects you (unfairly criticizes or ignores you, hurts your feelings), you might be tempted to tolerate it because it's a hard time in their life, they are vulnerable in some way, or they were hurt in the past. Set a boundary and don’t continue to let them take their angst out on you - they will respect you more for it and they will be forced to find other (hopefully healthier) ways to cope with their problems.
Over focusing on others. We tend to respect people whom we perceive to be capable, confident and accomplished in their own right. When you over-focus on someone else’s wants and needs, you neglect your own. Legitimate relationships which are one sided or power-imbalanced include caregiver-patient, parent-child, or manager-employee. Hardly anyone really wants a parent, nurse, or boss as a long-term romantic partner or a friend. Invest time and energy in your own life: try new things, spend time with other friends, engage in hobbies, take care of yourself (exercise, eat well, sleep) and place more focus on the parts of your life that are good. Acknowledge and honor you own wants and needs - treat them as equal to those of other adults in your life.
Being overly forgiving or repressing your feelings. Do you describe yourself as easy going, flexible and giving, yet you find yourself feeling increasingly irritable, angry, and resentful with certain people? You may be ignoring feelings you consider unacceptable so you can continue to see yourself as a “nice person” or because you believe this is the only way others will accept you. That’s not sustainable in the long term because your feelings are sending you important messages and will not go away if ignored. Repressing your feelings also keeps others from learning important information about you which makes it hard for them to know how to treat you. Acknowledge your feelings and assert yourself so that others in your life can make better decisions about how to relate with you.
If you suspect you are "too nice" and you want to learn ways to create greater balance in your relationships, it may be time to consult a mental health professional.

10. Resources http://www.wikihow.com/Date
You should know the principles of healthy dating be able to date people who are good for you and not bad. You will see the signs and know that it is either great or time to get out. The definition of LOVE is a strong affection and unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another. Is your dating partner treating you that way?