1. Effects on their Relationships and Development Meagan Ramsey, MSW
Teens & Internet Porn
Effects on their Relationships and Development
Meagan Ramsey, MSW

2. “The younger generations are, through no fault of their own, learning that sex is what they see in pornography – a medium that is, for the most part, violently misogynistic, devoid of intimacy, and completely unrealistic.”
– Erika Lust, founder of ThePornConversation.org

3. General Statistics (U. of New Hampshire, 2008)
BOYS:
1st exposure to pornography is between ages 11-13
93% have seen online porn before age 18
GIRLS:
1st exposure is typically around age 14
62% have seen online porn before age 18
57% of adolescents have viewed porn before having engaged in real world sexual activity, many before having their first kiss (2012 Australia)
Most comprehensive study to date on first exposure is from Likely the ages of first exposure are lower today.

4. First Porn Exposures
Common routes to first exposure (as reported by 7th graders in my classrooms)
Social media accounts (ads)
Peers
Misspelling or auto-fill online search terms
Intentional (if innocent) searches, i.e. “boobs”
Common Reactions to First Exposure:
Grossed out/Disgusted
Scared/Ashamed
Curious/Interested
Excited/Turned On
Sometimes they don’t know that the sexual pictures & videos they’ve seen are “porn”

5. The Porn Awareness Generation Gap
Of 600 teens and their parents… (University of Indiana, 2016)
Half as many parents thought their year olds had seen porn than had actually watched it
Depending on the sex act, parents underestimated how much their kids saw by as much as 10 times
“Everything I need to know about sex, I learned from porn”: (Boston U., 2016)
High schoolers (age 16-17) said porn was their primary source for information about sex — more than friends, siblings, schools or parents

6. Prevalence of Porn in General
The “parallel universe”: 33% of all internet traffic is porn
PornHub received in 2017: (Pornhub’s 2017 Year in Review report)
28.5 billion visitors, an average of 81 million people per day
24.7 billion searches performed on the site this year
50,000 searches per minute
800 searches per second
Their site receives more traffic than all streaming video services combined (i.e. Netflix, Hulu, YouTube, etc.)
“For many people, using porn is as routine as brushing their teeth.” – Alexander Rhodes
And if you’re a woman and in your 30s and up, some of this may be particularly disturbing, as we are the demographic statistically most likely to be in the dark about the porn industry’s scope and reach. When I first started researching this, I was shocked by the seemingly parallel universe of porn that I never new existed.
Common free sites: PornHub, YouPorn, RedTube, XVideos.com, Xnxx.com, BongaCams.com

8. As viewing porn is illegal below age 18, there is not a category for teens. Either they’re grouped in with the 18-to-24’s or they aren’t counted at all. However, their presence is visible in search terms.
“Fidget Spinner” was one of the new top trending searches in porn (see next slide), and it peaked in May 2017 when the fidget spinner craze was at its peak. There are few 35 year olds with fidget spinners. Likely this was driven by the 18 and under market, or perhaps by adults wanting to see teens in porn.

9. Most porn is racist & hetero-centric
Hentai = Sexualized Japanese anime/manga
BBW = big beautiful woman
Femdom = female domination (S&M, inflicting pain on males)
Ebony = African American actors, typically female
Most porn is racist & hetero-centric
Non-white “other-ness” is eroticized, put into categories – ebony, asian, latina, interracial. Promos for videos often depend on the worst of racial stereotypes
Same-sex (female) activity (i.e. top search – lesbian) is performed for the benefit of heterosexual males, not for same-sex female couples
High school girls who are ‘out’ as bisexual or lesbian report being pestered by boys wanting to “watch them” with their girlfriends

12. Concerns regarding Teen Development: “IRL”
Many teens unsure of what is real and what is fake
53% of boys and 39% of girls aged think porn is “realistic” (2016 UK)
5-of-6 boys and 3-of-4 girls believe women in porn are actually experiencing pleasure (Indiana U. 2016)
Porn separates sex from emotions
Sex is a “thing” you “get” or “take” from another person
Common language in our society supports this: i.e. “hit that”, “get some”
Porn consumption linked to peer harassment at school
Verbal & online slurs, pressures for nudes, forced porn viewing
Middle school is a time of intense desire to be accepted by peers, to be popular or well liked. That isn’t new.
There seems to be pressure that boys start to feel around this age to have to prove their masculinity to other boys, and often this is done by showing others porn, collecting nudes of female classmates and sharing them with others, and harassing female students, which is done mostly to increase their standing amongst male peers. Any sexual interaction that happens as a result or otherwise is often also shared in order to boost social standing. Not all boys do this by any means, but those that do tend to ridicule those that don’t and call them “gay”. We discuss this often in our classes and the boys all hate having to posture like this too, yet they feel they have no choice.
For girls, being asked for a nude seems to show that she has been noticed, been chosen, usually by a boy who’s rising in social status or is surrounded by others of rising social status. She’s damned if she does and damned if she doesn’t – it’s a terrible situation because no matter what, once you’ve been asked your power has been taken away. If she shares a sexual photo, it gets passed around to others, she gets humiliated. If she doesn’t, she’s called a slut or prude or harassed for not being down with what others her age seem to be okay with. It’s a horrible Catch-22.
If your daughter is in this situation, your support will be imperative. Let her know you understand what a terrible situation this is and that she can come to you anytime for support. Help her rally her friends to defend her, promote the posting of positive comments on social media, kind but firm rebuttals to any abusive posts about her, etc., the way they’d want her to do for them if they were in her place.
If you have a son, he should know in no uncertain terms that he’s never to ask anyone for nudes or disparage or degrade other humans in any way. Help him come up with retorts for his friends if they start mocking him for not wanting to do participate in this behavior. It is critical that he have your support and guidance as this is also a difficult place to be put in by a peer group.

13. Concerns about Teen Development: “Signature Sex Acts”, porn bodies normalized
“Countless people are having their sexual tastes shaped by porn producers rather than real, human, experiences” – Alexander Gould
Anal sex
“Facials”
Choking
Female-to-male oral sex (the new “2nd base”)
Body image anxiety, expectations regarding self & others
More than 70% of teens of both sexes completely shave or wax their pubic hair (2012)
Labiaplasty on the rise (2017)
up 45% (UK)
up 80% (US)
5% of those procedures done on girls under age 18
Shaving/waxing pubic hair directly connected to porn viewing
College girls report their modern day version of the “I can’t tonight honey, I have a headache” excuse as “I haven’t waxed, sorry, can’t have sex today” (Pornland, Gail Dines)
Boys reported that if a hook-up partner had pubic hair, they would “get up and walk out of the room” (Girls & Sex, Peggy Orenstein).
Opinion: That’s A LOT of pressure for girls and completely ridiculous that porn has made these boys believe such expectations are warranted.

14. Concerns About Teen Development: Violence in sex normalized
2010 & studies:
88% of scenes showed verbal or physical aggression, mostly spanking, slapping and gagging
If we combine both physical and verbal aggression:
nearly 90% of scenes contained at least one aggressive act, with an average of 12 acts of aggression per scene
In both studies, women were on the receiving end of the aggression more than 90% of the time
In 95% of the incidents, the aggression was met with a neutral or pleasured response by the women being aggressed
Sex often described as “punishment” – i.e. “watch sluts get what they deserve”.
Some sites linger on physical damage done to bodies
71% of girls (aged 11-21) think porn gives “confusing messages about consent and makes sexually violent behavior seem normal”. (2015 UK)
Sexual arousal triggers are deeply coded in our bodies
The earlier the age of exposure to pornography in boys, the more they express desire for power over women (U. of Nebraska, 2017)
“I’m always watching porn and some of it is quite aggressive. I didn’t think it was affecting me at first, but I’ve started to view girls a bit differently recently and it’s making me worried.” – Boy surveyed in the 2015 UK study
Very concerning for formative minds – porn is based upon the idea that any misdeed by a female can bring on a justifiable punishment in the form of violent sex, meted out by a man. Plays into (and perpetuates) beliefs often discussed as characteristic of “porn culture” or “rape culture” where victims are blamed for their assaults due to “what they were wearing”, “drinking”, “being out late”, etc.

15. How Can We Help? Our kids need:
The mental and emotional tools to navigate this world safely
Much like other tools we’ve given them:
Safe crossing of streets
Swimming lessons
How to call 911
NOT Shame/Threats
NOT Scare Tactics only
Blocker software will not fix this problem:
Examples:
Shame: “I can’t believe you would watch such a thing, I’m ashamed of you”
Threats: “If you watch anything like that, I’m taking your phone away”
Scare Tactics: “You’ll get addicted”, or “It’s illegal, if you watch it you can be arrested”
Most are watching on their phones
Blocker software only prevents unwanted access on computers

16. How Can We Help? They need to hear loud and clear:
Porn is not a learning tool. Do not copy it.
Porn is a business, videos are extreme in order to get views and make money, not because it’s what people do/enjoy
Treating partners in many of the ways commonly depicted is at best harmful and at worst criminal
Consent is mandatory & must be given by both people for all sexual activity.
Teens need encouragement to speak up about their wishes, and know how to ask partners about theirs
Don’t try or accept the “just do it and see what I can get away with” idea
Teens must be equipped with tools to manage a partner (or friends) who may not respect their wishes
Partner: “Do you want to try…?”, “Let’s try this instead”, “I feel weird about that, let’s stick to…, that’s really fun”
Friend: “Nah I’m not going to ask that”, “That’s messed up”, “Porn is fake you know”

17. How Can We Help? They need to hear loud and clear:
Real men’s and women’s bodies are naturally hairy
There are a variety of shapes to genitalia, especially in the teen years
Do not look to porn actors as guides for how bodies look
Porn sex is selfish, & divorced from connection between people
It reduces sex to a “thing” you “get” or “take” with little regard for your partner
Real life sex can be fantastic, but it can also be bad, & everything in between – porn shows (fake) enjoyment of almost anything
However you feel about porn is normal:
If you like it, it’s normal (reduce shame, provide corrective information)
If you don’t like it, it’s normal (praise their assessment, equip with tools to maintain stance)
Reduce shame: “These videos are made to be engaging and sexually arousing, especially to males. If you feel that way, it doesn’t make you an awful person, it is how they’re trying to make you feel. Here’s info that I want you to know about why they’re wrong to make videos like that.”

18. The Conversation First: Self-care
Much like the old airplane adage “put on your oxygen mask before assisting your child”, take time to get your mind clear first
Ask yourself honestly:
What are my thoughts/feelings about porn?
Am I ready to have an honest conversation about this with my child?
If feeling uncomfortable about porn and/or talking about this with your child:
Process your feelings first – write, talk, therapy, etc.
Read/watch what you need until you have the information you need to feel confident
Adult anxiety, anger, worry, etc. = teens hesitant to open up and engage
Adult calmness and confidence = teens more able to open up and engage
Goal is to feel centered, confident, and honestly open-minded when you enter this discussion, with the intention of to helping your teen understand and navigate this scene. Ask what questions they have, so you can respond to their specific needs.
It is unfair to you both that you have to have this conversation, but it’s the world we are in – you can bond over the shared craziness of even having to talk about this.

19. The Conversation
An attitude of curiosity is best
Goal is to find out what they’ve seen
Address concerns specific to their exposure
Sample Conversation Starter: (from ThePornConversation.org)
“Hey. Ya know, this is a bit embarrassing for me to bring up, but I’m a little worried about some of the stuff I’ve stumbled across on the internet recently, and I’m wondering if you’ve seen it too. When I go on the most normal sites to shop, I keep getting these pornographic pop ups and stuff. Does that happen on your phone too?”
To remove judgment/emotions:
Pretend they’re an alien telling you about an alien world you’re seeking to understand so you can help them get what they need
Alternative to Sample Starter: seize upon moments that can lead to a productive conversation:
There’s a sexual scene in a movie you’re watching together, you hear obscene lyrics in a song, you see an ad on a billboard, etc.

20. The Conversation
Open-ended questions are best:
“What kinds of sexual images have you seen online?”
“When people first see it, they can feel scared, or disgusted, or curious, or excited, or a combo of these – what was it like for you when you first saw this stuff?”
“What kinds of videos are common for other students to watch?”
“What do you think about those videos? Do you think they are good examples for how people have sex in real life?”
“Why do you think businesses make porn?”
“Why do you think they show the kinds of things they show?”
“What makes the actors choose to be in these kinds of movies?”
Provide corrective information…
“Did you know that… ?”
Most people who watch porn don’t think about/know that…
…and/or the chance for them to look at information on their own
Share resources on the list
Corrective information:
90% of people working in the sex industry were sexually abused as children or teens – iamatreasure.com
The vast majority of sex positions filmed are those that are the easiest to get a good camera angle. Not because it feels good.
Porn is a business first, it exists to make money. When the internet came along suddenly anyone could make porn and a lot of it was available for free. To continue making money by getting “clicks”, they had to start making more and more extreme videos. If they could come up with something no one had seen before, they would get clicks on it for being novel. People get desensitized very quickly to these images, so things became more and more abusive and violent. It’s all about money, not about people’s enjoyment.
*If you find yourself confronted with something difficult, respond with:
“This is very important and I want to be sure I’m giving you the best possible guidance, let me get back to you about this when I’ve got the best possible answer for you”

21. The Conversation: In summary
Do:
Discuss: openly, without judgment or shaming (open-ended questions are best)
Encourage: understanding, critique, & analysis of what they are seeing
Teach: Provide the needed information & perspective to balance what they have seen
You can generalize about other kids to segue in, instead of putting them on the spot from the get-go. i.e. “I know that some teens have seen… What types of things have you seen?”
Also: if they come across videos that disturb them, ensure they know to stop watching and either flag and report them, or get you so you can do it. This includes porn, but also child abuse, beheadings, shootings, and other violence

22. Last Words from the Experts:
Alexander Rhodes: Founder, NoFap.com
“Families need to educate their children about pornography – and they need to do so before the porn producers do, since right now minors are getting hooked on porn long before they are made aware of the potential negative effects.”
Maree Crabbe: founder of It’sTimeWeTalked.com
“Tell them if you want to be a lazy, selfish lover, look at porn. If you want to be a lover where your partner says, ‘That was great,’ you won’t learn it from porn.”
Cindy Gallop: founder of MakeLoveNotPorn.com
“Parents should want their teenagers to be generous lovers. Our parents bring us up to have good manners, a work ethic. But nobody brings us up to behave well in bed.”

23. Resource Guide Available and can be emailed to you, including:
The Porn Conversation and It’s Time We Talked guides for parents
Book ideas for parent book clubs
Films/documentaries for parent research
If I can help in other ways, ask me! 