1. Having Difficult Conversations
Webinar
Johsua Koepp

2. Source Material
Authors
Douglas Stone
Bruce Patton
Sheila Heen

3. Engage More Confidently
Desired Outcomes
Understand Structure
Engage More Confidently
Move Toward Learning

4. For Greatest Benefit Identify a conversation. Apply ideas.
Visualize yourself there.
Apply ideas.

5. Structure Difficult Conversation Feelings Conversation
What Happened
Feelings Conversation
Identity Conversation

6. What Happened Conversation
Who said what?
Who meant what?
Who’s to blame?
Who is right?

7. Example
I’m really swamped. Can you help me out with this project? It’s due on Thursday.
He said help.
What does help mean?
What level of quality?
What exactly do you need Thursday?

8. What Happened Gremlins
Misunderstanding
Blame Frame
Intention Invention
Truth Assumption

9. Misunderstanding Angry Resentment
The Truth Assumption
Misunderstanding Angry Resentment
(BTW)
I’m Right
Other ways wrong
One Right Way

10. Truth Assumption Tip
Certainty
Curiosity

11. Appreciate their story.
CertaintyCuriosity
Different
Information
Interpretation
Past
Experiences
Appreciate their story.
Arguing Blocks Us

12. The Intention Invention
Misunderstanding  Diabolical Assumptions
Worst
If-Then
Why?

13. Intention Invention Tips:
Explain
Intentions
Avoid Assumption
Reflect on Motivation
Have a Hypothesis
Listen Past Accusations

14. Fearful Resentment  Toxic Environment
The Blame Frame
Fearful Resentment  Toxic Environment
Blame
Cover
Not Me
Fault

15. Blame Frame Tips Seek to Understand Focus on Solutions Map
Contribution
Start with you.
Listen Reflectively

16. The Contribution System
Contribution is Easier to Raise
Contribution Encourages Learning and Change
Move from certainty to curiosity
Adopt the “AND” stance.

17. Certaintly to Curiosity = Contribution
My Contribution
Their Contribution
Other’s Contribution
And Stance
Curiosity

18. Feelings Conversation
Difficult
Conversation
What Happened
Feelings Conversation
Identity Conversation

19. Feelings Conversation Asks…
Are my feelings valid?
Are my feelings approprite?
Should I acknowledge or deny them?
Should I leave my feelings at the door?
What do I do about another’s feelings?
What if they are angry or hurt?

20. We try to frame feelings out…yet
They leak in…
burst…
Sabotage listening…
Sabotage relationships

21. A way out of the feelings bind:
Find where your feelings hide.
Explore your emotional footprint.
Accept that feelings are normal/natural.
Good people can have bad feelings.
Your feelings are as important as theirs.

22. You might have hiddens feelings if…
Judgments
Attributions
Blame
Accusations

23. A way out of the feelings bind:
Negotiate with feelings…could it be…?
No venting: Describe feelings carefully.
Frame feelings back in (if possible).
Express the full spectrum of feelings.
Don’t evaluate, just share.

24. A Way Out of the Feelings Bind (continued…)
Find Your Feelings: Learn Where Feelings Hide
Find Feelings Lurking Under Attributions, Judgments, and Accusations
Lift the Lid on Attributions and Judgements
Use the Urge to Blame as a Clue to Find Important Feelings

25. A Way Out of the Feelings Bind (continued…)
Don’t Evaluate Just Share:
Express Your Feelings Without Judging, Attributing, or Blaming
Don’t Monopolize: Both Sides Can Have Strong Feelings at the Same Time
An Easy Reminder: Say “I Feel...”
The Importance of Acknowledgement

26. A Way Out of the Feelings Bind (continued…)
Don’t Treat Feelings As Gospel: Negotiate with Them
Don’t Vent: Describe Feelings Carefully
Frame Feelings Back into the Problem
Express the Full Spectrum of Your Feelings
Don’t Evaluate--Just Share

27. Feelings Conversation
Difficult
Conversation
What Happened
Feelings Conversation
Identity Conversation

28. Identity Conversation:
Am I competent or incompetent?
Am I a good or bad person?
Am I worthy of love or lovable?
Impact on my self-image or well-being

29. Identity Quakes Knock Us Off Balance
Exaggeration
I did mean to.
I always do that.
Denial.
I didn’t mean to.
I never do that.
We let their reaction define us.
Was I like that?
Did I mean to be?

30. Ground Your Identity Three things about you: You will make mistakes.
Your intentions are complex.
You have contributed to the problem.

31. Ground Your Identity Adopt the “AND” Stance:
I am a good manager, AND I lost an important contract.
I am a good caring person, AND I terminated care.
I am a good trainer, AND I forgot to reply to student’s reflection..

32. Conversations: Ground Your Identity
Let go of trying to control their reaction.
Prepare for their response.
Take a break.
Imagine it’s three months or ten years from now.

33. Final identity points:
Ground Your Identity
Final identity points:
Their identity is also implicated.
You can raise identity issues explicitly.
Find the courage to ask for help.

34. Certaintly to Curiosity = Contribution
My Contribution
Their Contribution
Other’s Contribution
And Stance
Curiosity