1. Challenging Conversations
Together
Welcome
Housekeeping - Fire exits, Loos, Break, Water, Phones
Ground rules – confidentiality – write on flip chart
Icebreaker?

2. Housekeeping Fire exits Loos Tea & Coffee Breaks
What would make this session safe for you?
Phones
Confidentiality
Etc etc

3. Objectives By the end of this session, you will be able to:
Understand what makes a conversation challenging
Plan for conversations which may prove challenging
Practice managing yourself in difficult conversations
Use reflection after difficult conversations to improve or consolidate learning

4. In Groups discuss the following:-
What is a challenging conversation?
What makes a conversation Challenging?
After feedback:
Feedback might be:
Giving personal feedback – you have BO
Performance related feedback
Another persons behaviour is affecting you
Permission for something
Some people may give actual examples

5. What makes conversation challenging?
What happened
Feelings
Identity
What happened – people have different perceptions of whats happened
Feelings – It may trigger all kinds of feelings that we have no idea are there – sadness, anger, history
Identity – You can say Nurse, parent, receptionist, daughter, son etc We all have a picture of our own identity and when it is challenged we fight back.

6. How we communicate

7. Listening… a real skill
Drawing exercise – words alone... Take feedback
you need to hear not just listen
check your intention to listen
don’t wait for an opportunity to respond
repeat what they say or paraphrase
look interested
make eye contact
ask open questions
You need to hear what they are saying not just act like you are listening
Check your intention to listen
Repeat what they say or paraphrase
Ask open questions
Look interested
Make eye contact
Think of personal examples of when you have felt really listened to what was the person doing, saying, how where they demonstrating to you they where listening?

8. The first conversation to have is with yourself.
What is the issue/ problem?
Why is it bothering you?
What emotions are attached to the situation?
What options do you have?
Occasionally you will have time to plan your conversation.
Having this conversation if you have time, might just determine what a problem is and it if warrants a challenging conversation.
It is important before you do anything to establish exactly what is going on within you!
I am going to give you a handout with 3 different types of questions on, using all of these can help you get to the route of a problem, you start quite simply by asking
What is the problem?
The next set of questions you use are the thinking / fact finding to gather more information about the problem
When you are satisfied you have enough understating you can then move onto feeling questions – ask as many as you need to and then move onto
Willing questions
By exploring the actual problem more deeply you can gain a better understanding of it yourself!
Exercise – give list of questions and get into pairs.
Work on a real life issue. Using the Coaching questions hand out.

9. Managing yourself in the conversation
- If possible arrange them rather than have them when angry.
- It’s ok to say – lets stop if the conversation is getting out of hand, if its important to maintain relationship.
Victor Frankel – he coined this phrase ‘your freedom is to choose your response’ take your mind away from where he was and how he was going to use those when he was lecturing his psychology students after the war. The fact he was creating a future helped him to survive. Even when every other freedom had been taken away – no one could take away your freedom to choose your response.
Only takes a second to choose your response.
Keep Calm Keep Control
slow down
think
speak slower
breath deeply
Ask them to talk in two’s describe a conversation that they have had that has become challenging. - What was it that made it challenging? What helped? What hindered?

10. Think about Opening lines You will trigger identity conversation
Look for a third story
Think like a mediator
Invite rather than impose
Agree outcomes (not yours or mine but ours )

11. Think about Manage internal stress Manage body language
Voice volume pitch tone
Establish empathy
Tackle a small thing first
Negotiate to find a solution
Agree the solution

12. Remember this betaris box model. This is about managing yourself again.
Attitude and behaviour becomes a cycle
Example – if we start the day feeling a little negative or gloomy that effects how we behave, when we get to work our attitude which has affected our behaviour can have an impact on the person you sit next to this in turn makes their attitude affect their behaviour and so on it goes…
The important thing to remember here is you have a choice… you can choose to not accept the negative feeling in the first place which turns the whole cycle into a positive one
It is also important to recognise this when you are having challenging conversations, the cycle may begin with the other person but it is still your choice to amend your own attitude and behaviours
Remember 90 seconds!

13. Managing the situation
Confront it
Understand the other persons position as well as your own
Define the problem from what you observe
Search for solutions.
Think win win
Do what you say.

14. think about listening to them helps them to listen to you.
be authentic don’t worry about words
authenticity comes from intent
manage your internal voice
don’t make statements disguised as questions
don’t ask questions to cross examine
Ask open questions
Ask for concrete information. Can you give me an example?

15. think about make it safe not to answer check your understanding
show that you have heard
acknowledge their feelings
empathy is a journey not a destination
beware self sabotage

16. think about what matters most say what you mean don’t make them guess.
have a BUT phobia
don’t present your conclusions as the truth
Don’t exaggerate with always and never

17. How we treat others and how they treat us
Nurturing
Controlling
This is a psychological intervention Transactional Analysis, we are going to explain a very small aspect of it which we think helps particularly when having a challenging conversation
Within us we all have these ego states we can all be adult, we have all been children and we can all take the role of parent.
There is two types of parent, controlling and nurturing.
There are two types of child, free and adapted.
All of these states are acceptable to be in different circumstances…
So what do you think a controlling parent might look and sounds like?
And if someone was talking to you like that how might you behave?
If a colleague was behaving like a free child how might we naturally behave?
Ideally a challenging conversations will remain adult to adult – what do you think adult to adult behaviour looks like?
Adapted
Free

18. Practice Preparation is key:
use a real life challenging conversation to prepare yourself for the conversation that needs to take place or has taken place.
undertake the conversation.
an observer will feedback

19. The seven key components
1. Name the issue
2. Select an example
3. Describe your emotions
4. Clarify what’s at stake
5. Identify your contribution
6. Indicate your wish to resolve the issue
7. Invite a response
If you are in the conversation whether planned or not these 7 steps will help?
- If possible arrange them rather than have them when angry.
- It’s ok to say – lets stop if the conversation is getting out of hand, if its important to maintain relationship.
Victor Frankel – he coined this phrase ‘your freedom is to choose your response’ take your mind away from where he was and how he was going to use those when he was lecturing his psychology students after the war. The fact he was creating a future helped him to survive. Even when every other freedom had been taken away – no one could take away your freedom to choose your response.
Only takes a second to choose your response.
Keep Calm Keep Control
slow down
think
speak slower
breath deeply
Ask them to talk in two’s describe a conversation that they have had that has become challenging. - What was it that made it challenging? What helped? What hindered?

20. Summary. Learn their story Express your views and feelings
Problem solve together.
What is your intention?
Be clear and brief
Look for Win Win