1. TOUGH CONVERSATIONS TO HAVE WITH EMPLOYEES
Paul Falcone
Best Selling Author & HR Practitioner

2. And Author of . . . 101 Tough Conversations to Have with Employees:
A Manager’s Guide to Performance, Conduct, and Discipline Challenges
101 Sample Write-Ups for Documenting Employee Performance Problems: A Guide to Progressive Discipline and Termination
96 Great Interview Questions to Ask Before You Hire
2600 Phrases for Effective Performance Reviews
75 Ways for Managers to Hire, Develop, and Keep Great Employees (new from AMACOM in June 2016!) 

3. Paul’s Rules of Engagement
Each to his own without judgment
What you want for yourself, give to another
Change your perspective and you’ll change your perception

4. Rules (cont.)
It’s not what you say but how you say it
Put others’ needs ahead of your own by treating them with dignity and respect, and expect them to respond in kind
The greatest gift the workplace offers lies in helping others grow and develop in their careers

5. Your Tools
We’re all responsible for our own perception management (“Let me share with you what it looks like from my vantage point. . . “)
Perception is reality until proven otherwise
Positive confrontation = “I’m sorry” and “thank you” (i.e., the importance of vulnerability)
Heightened sensitivity and raised awareness = emotional intelligence / empathic leadership

6. A Positive Opener: “Career Coaching” Interview Questions
What’s your primary reason for leaving your current organization, and how would joining our company satisfy that reason?
What would be your next move in career progression if you remained with your current organization?
What would have to change at your current employer for you to consider staying?

7. Coaching Interviews (cont.)
What would joining us do for you in terms of building your resume over the long term?
If you were to accept a position with us, how would you explain that to a prospective employer five years from now?
In other words, how would this job provide a link to your future career progression?

8. The Golden Rule of Enlightened Leadership
A key tenet of adult learning theory is:
Allow people to assume responsibility for their actions, and you’ll “pierce their hearts” and get them to want to change things for themselves
Greater accountability = the focus in adult leadership development

9. The “Velvet Glove” Approach to Tough Conversations
The path of least resistance is avoidance
Results = grade inflation on annual performance reviews, perceptions of favoritism, unwillingness to discipline or hold employees to the highest standards of performance or conduct

10. “Velvet Glove” (cont.)
How can you make tough conversations more personalized and comfortable?
How can you apply constructive feedback techniques to feel more at ease in evaluating people and situations?
How can you develop greater respect and trust in the eyes of those you lead?

11. Our Opener: Bad Breath
“Dominic, I called you into my office because I wanted to speak with you about something privately. The feedback is a bit difficult for me to share, and I’m fairly uncomfortable right now, so I want to make this as straightforward and simple as possible: I believe you may have a problem with bad breath.”

12. Bad Breath (cont.)
“You know how most of us would appreciate it if someone told us that we had spinach stuck in our teeth or that our zipper was down just to save us from embarrassment? I see this as one of those conversations because even though it’s difficult news to share, it’s really in your best interests.
“I know these things are usually the result of over-indulging in spicy or garlic-y foods, but is there something you might be able to do on your own to fix this perception problem that exists?”

13. Warm-Up #2: Body Odor
“Roger, I wanted to meet with you one-on-one in my office because I need to share something with you privately, discreetly, and with as much sensitivity as possible.
“You may not realize it, but it appears that you may have a body odor problem, and it isn’t merely a personal matter – It’s a workplace disruption issue that I’ll need your help to repair.”

14. Body Odor (cont.)
“I’ve had conversations like this with employees before, and usually they’re not even aware that the problem exists. I don’t mean to make you uncomfortable, but don’t mind my asking, Are you aware of the issue, and if so, is that something you could take care of on your end?”

15. Body Odor (cont.)
“Roger, listen, I’m here to help in any way I can. If you’d like us to set up a fan in your office, or if you’d like to change your schedule so that you could take breaks throughout the day to have time to freshen up, I’d be very supportive of that. Just let me know whatever I could do to help, okay?
“If you wouldn’t mind, though, I’d prefer not to have to address this with you again because it’s a bit uncomfortable for me, so is this something you feel you could fix on a go-forward basis?”

16. BIG GUNS: Stopping “Attitude Problems” in their Tracks
Rule 1: Tell the person in private how you perceive her actions and how she makes you feel
Rule 2: Avoid the term “attitude” and replace it with “behavior” or “conduct”
Rule 3: Be specific and “paint a picture with words”

17. Attitude Problems (cont.)
“Michele, I need your help. You know they say that perception is reality until proven otherwise. I feel like you’re either angry with me or with the rest of the group
“I may be off in my assumption, but that’s an honest assessment of the perception you’re giving off ”

18. Attitude Problems (cont.)
“Do I have your permission to share what this sometimes looks like from my vantage point?” [Yes]
“At times, your body language is very aggressive, almost like you’re waiting for someone to challenge you. You’re also quick to interrupt others, and your tone of voice can come across as abrupt. . .”

19. Attitude Problems (cont.)
“I just want you to know that I wouldn’t treat you that way in front of others.”
“Let me ask you, how would you feel if you were the supervisor and one of your staff members responded that way in front of other members of the team?”
“Likewise, how would it make you feel if I responded to your questions with that kind of tone of voice or body language?”

20. Attitude Problems (cont.)
“That’s not who we are, and that’s not who we want to be as a team. We’re better than that, and I don’t want any of us to allow ourselves to go down that negative path.
“Can you understand why I wanted to call this meeting with you privately? My goal isn’t to vent frustration; it’s simply to raise awareness of how this is coming across so we could make things better in the future. Do I have your commitment that we can fix this together and put it behind us?”

21. Attitude Problems (cont.)
“If so, Michele, then no roller coasters. In all fairness, I want you to assume responsibility for your own perception management. In other words, regardless of your intentions, others can’t be made to feel like they have to walk on eggshells around you.

22. Attitude Problems (cont.)
“That’s not fair to them, and you’re responsible for creating a friendly and inclusive work environment just like the rest of us are.
“I need a commitment from you that you’ll reinvent your relationship with your peers and that we’ll not have to hold another discussion like this. Is that a fair ask on my part?”

23. Mediating Disputes Among Subordinates
Meet with each individual 1-on-1
Share the other person’s side of the story in advance of the group meeting so that the “what” is known (you could then focus your meeting on the “how”)
There’s no need for attacking or defending – we’re simply coming together as adults to solve a problem (which deescalates feelings of angst or anger)

24. Mediating Disputes (cont.)
At the time of the 3-person meeting, set the rules of engagement as follows:
Don’t hold anything back. (This is a once-in-a-career opportunity.)
Everything you share has to be said with the other person’s best interests in mind and in a spirit of constructive criticism. We assume good intentions.
After you walk a mile in their moccasins, determine what you’ll change about your own behavior in order to elicit a different response from the other person in the future.

25. “Speaking off the Record”
Qualify the nature of the issue upfront:
“If it has to do with (1) discrimination or harassment, (2) potential violence in the workplace, or (3) a perceived conflict of interest with the company, . . .
. . . then I have an obligation to disclose that to management and can’t keep it confidential. . .”

26. Avoiding Grade Inflation
“Ted, my goal here isn’t to surprise you with new information introduced at the time of the annual review, but I’m afraid that’s necessary in this case because the issues have become detrimental to your reputation and to our ability to execute effectively as a team. 
“Before we begin walking through the details on the evaluation that I’ve prepared, I want you to know upfront that you won’t be meeting expectations for this review period. 

27. Grade Inflation (cont.)
“First, I’m holding myself accountable for not sharing problematic issues with you at the time they occurred, but I’ll commit to you to bring problematic issues to your attention immediately in the future.
“However, it’s time to share our concerns formally in writing and set our expectations on a go-forward basis, and the annual review gives us that opportunity each year because it’s hard stop in terms of providing feedback and setting the record straight.”

28. “Foul Language”
“Jim, you’re not hearing me. You’re on the offensive when you should be playing defense. This isn’t about you any longer – it’s about your coworkers and our company. “When someone puts us on notice that they’re no longer comfortable with the curses and loose banter and jokes that arguably become ‘pervasive’ in the workplace, then in the eyes of the law, the whole company is deemed to be placed on notice. At that point, we no longer have the discretion to laugh it off and ignore it.

29. Foul Language (cont.)
“In short, we’re putting you on notice that the language and behavior have to stop immediately.
“If you really feel you can’t accommodate our request, then you may have to make an employment decision: In other words, if you can’t or won’t agree to this at this point, you’ll either have to resign or realize you’ll be terminated for cause should this occur again.”

30. Foul Language (cont.)
“Oh, and Jim, there’s one more thing: I’m not saying this to scare you – It’s just that I want you to be fully informed on the matter. If the company were to be sued, you would also be named as an individual defendant in the lawsuit. In fact, in extreme cases where the company warns the employee and the employee refuses to change his ways, then he may be considered to be acting outside the course and scope of his employment.
“And under those circumstances, the company’s legal team wouldn’t necessarily protect you. In short, you could be on your own to find your own lawyer and pay the damages that arise from the claim.”

31. Foul Language (cont.)
“In fact, in many states supervisors could be sued for up to $50,000 of their own money for what are known as managerial bad acts and for acting outside the course and scope of their employment.
“Not so in California. In California, there’s no cap . . .
“We don’t pay you enough to risk your home and savings in a personal liability lawsuit. Are we in agreement here?” [Yes]

32. Leering
“Bill, there’s a difference between perception and reality: Reality is what you know to be true or what you do purposely; perception is what others see, regardless of your intentions.
“As they say, perception is in the eye of the beholder, and even if you don’t realize it, you may be creating a perception that’s offending others.”

33. Leering (cont.)
“From this point forward, I want you to think of it this way: You have to hold yourself accountable for your own perception management.
“In other words, you have to become sensitive to how you’re coming across to others. When you speak with someone else, especially with women, make sure you look at them eye-to-eye, even if they’re much taller than you.

34. Leering (cont.)
“Likewise, don’t stare at anyone’s chest under any circumstances—men or women—so that no one could accuse you of inappropriate behavior. Does that make sense?”
[Yes]

35. Leering (cont.)
“Finally, Bill, like I said, I have no reason to doubt your sincerity. However, I also have to take other peoples’ complaints seriously.
“As a result, I need a commitment from you right now that you’ll remain very conscious of the perception you’re creating at all times.

36. Leering (cont.)
“More importantly, I want your commitment that after today we’ll never have to have a conversation like this again. Will you agree to that?” [Yes]
“Okay, thank you. I appreciate your support with this, and I’m here any time you have questions or want to discuss this further.”

37. Final Tips
Always focus on shifting responsibility for improvement away from your company and back to the employee (where it belongs)
Treat adults like adults and develop a highly accountable team where you praise in public and censure in private

38. Final Tips (cont.)
Successful verbal interventions allow you to handle matters respectfully, responsibly, and in a timely manner, which are the key tenets of workplace due process and fairness.
You can give your company no greater benefit than the gift of a motivated, energized, and engaged workforce.

39. Final Tips (cont.)
Above all, teach your employees to come from appreciation and gratitude in all they do because all good things flow from those two values

40. Thank you! TOUGH CONVERSATIONS TO HAVE WITH EMPLOYEES
Paul Falcone
Best Selling Author & HR Practitioner