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Communicating assertively
Sue Duraikan Communicating assertively
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Meet and greet…. Who are you? What do you do?
One key learning point from online module on Communicating assertively One challenge you still face in communicating assertively What you liked and didn’t like about the online module
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Objectives Have a clearer idea of what it means to communicate assertively Be more confident to use assertive techniques in practice
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7 types of assertion Consequence ‘Unless you.. I will..’
Negative feelings ‘I feel frustrated that… Discrepancy ‘We agreed that.. However..’ Roll with the punch ‘You’re right, that was careless of me.’ Probing ‘Why is that important to you?’ Empathy ‘I can see why you’re annoyed.’ Basic assertion ‘As I see it…’
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Assertiveness starts in your head
Trigger Thoughts Feelings Behaviour
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Cognitive distortions
Magnify/minimise ‘It wasn’t as if I meant to upset her. She just can’t take a joke.’ Catastrophise ‘That was a total disaster.’ Overgeneralise ‘He never gets here on time.’ Jump to conclusions ‘If I criticise him, he’s bound to get upset.’ Mind-read ‘She thinks I’m stupid.’ Fortune-tell ‘They will never offer me the job now.’ Disqualify the positive ‘He only said that because he had to think of something nice to say.’ ‘Should’ thinking ‘She should listen more.’ All or nothing thinking ‘Well that’s it. Turkey’s burnt. Might as well cancel Christmas.’
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Making a request DO Be direct and concise Give reason for request
Respect their right to refuse DON’T Over- apologise Flatter and promise rewards Take refusal personally Try to wear them down!
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Making a request (DESO)
Describe the situation ‘The deadline for presenting the data is tomorrow.’ Express how you are feeling ‘I’m concerned that I haven’t seen your results yet.’ Specify what you would like to happen ‘Can you send me your results by 3 o’clock?’ Outcome ‘Then we can be sure of getting the data collated in time.’
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So why do people willingly do what you want?
Because they… know you like you admire you respect you
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…and because they… Trust you Owe you Can see how it will benefit them
Want to fit in with the majority
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…and because you… Come across as competent/expert
Express clearly and succinctly what you want/need Make it easy for them
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Nudge theory
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Plan What do I know about this person? How can I hook them?
What do I really want? What are my key points? How can I bring them to life? What objections are likely? What’s my back up option? What will make it easy for them to agree? What if we can’t agree?
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The 3As Accuracy Agreement Action Plan Focus Give information/
ask questions/ listen Mutual understanding commitment Agreement goodwill Joint problem solving creativity Agreed action plan Action Post-meeting review
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Refusing a request ‘Thank you for asking me.’ Acknowledge the request.
‘I’d rather not do that..’ …because I don’t think I’m the right person to do it.’ ‘Why don’t you ask Laura?’ Acknowledge the request. Refuse succinctly and respectfully. Give one genuine reason for refusing. Suggest an alternative.
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Refusing a request DO DON’T Be polite ‘Thank you for...’
Ask for more info or time Keep it short but friendly Repeat refusal Speak slowly, steadily, warmly DON’T Over-apologise Over-explain Ask permission to say no Hurt feelings
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Expressing your opinion
DO Relax Plan Rehearse Own your message: use ‘I’ statements Be open DON’T Undermine yourself Apologise Be dogmatic Bow to pressure
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Passive-aggressive is…
Of course even if you are behaving assertively, there’s still the problem of the other person’s behaviour. Passive aggressive behaviour can be hard to deal with. Definition: When someone has aggressive feelings but is not comfortable with direct conflict. Instead they use indirect techniques to express their feelings eg. sulking, sarcasm, criticising behind your back, withdrawing cooperation, ignoring you, conveying message in writing rather than face to face. Characteristics: tense, lack of or too much eye contact, monotone voice. Clip from Comm assertively – how to deal with it
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Handling passive-aggression
DO Ask questions and listen Show you want to understand their perspective: ‘I seem to have upset you. Can you tell me what’s going on?’ Communicate clearly Focus on what you need Be prepared for the long haul! DON’T Be intimidated Focus on their behaviour Be impatient Blame yourself Take the bait May not be able to change it – aim is to focus on what you need. In longer term relationship, show by your communication style that you are listening, that you respect their opinions. Encourage more open communication.
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Handling aggression DO
Use split-second self-talk ‘Stay calm, I can handle this.’ Make time – sit down Aim to defuse: ask questions, listen, then communicate clearly Apologise if in error Seek help DON’T Be intimidated Focus on their behaviour Be impatient Deflect questions Invade their space Feel you have to let it continue
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Handling passive behaviour
Verbal Empathy Ask questions and listen Supportive, encouraging message Firm, clear message, repeated if necessary Vocal and visual Gentle tone Relaxed posture Supportive facial expression
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Your rights Their rights Self talk Visualise success Behaviour Outcome achieved Outcome avoided
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TED talks Don’t be so defensive!
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TED talks Fake it till you make it Fake it till you become it
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